To desperately want to return to work even though I can't?

[isthisthenorm]

NC for this.

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 (soon to be 3!) children together aged 6 and 3. DH is a very high earner (currently on around £800k after tax). To get this point it has taken a LOT of sacrifices that have nearly cost us our marriage. He spends a ridiculous amount of time at work but we have now got to a point where we can balance it correctly most of the time and he generally doesn't work weekends anymore. However he doesn't generally spend time with the children in the week due to leaving at 6.30 and returning at around 7 so just has time to tuck them in and read a story.

Before having children I was working in my dream job but on around £80k so when we realised I was pregnant I left it. There was no way we could raise children with us both busy nearly every hour of the day and him being obviously the higher earner I quit. I love spending time with the children and although I sometimes miss it I know I am so incredibly lucky to be in the position to do this.

Before I quit I was essentially working my job for ''fun''. My wage went towards the food shop any other small household expenses such as buying a new kettle if it broke. The rest was just for me to spend or save as I liked. During the 4 years I did this I managed to save around £160k. Once I quit I lost this income so DH started giving me an allowance as I was entirely dependant on him. I get around £30k a year but I end up saving most. He covers all other household expenses, holidays and basically anything the children need.

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much. I've spoken to him about it but he just doesn't understand as his suggestion was do you want a higher allowance. Baby no.3 is due in around 3 weeks so I obviously can't return for at least another year.

I know this is such a first world problem but does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to feel less guilty. A friend suggested volunteering in a charity shop which I might do when baby is a bit older. Any help would be appreciated!

Wow!

I had no idea those sort of salaries even existed!!

Women with children don't just work because they need the money though, they work because they want to. I don't get why you don't just get the excellent childcare you can afford and go back to work!

Your 'fun' money is more than my full time job wage after tax, where that also goes towards household bills and raising children

You have access to household funds, have all your bills/housing/children needs paid for by this also.

You are extremely lucky to be able to spend this time with your children and have money at your feet to be able to do anything.

You could quite easily get childcare and go back to work if you wanted, you could stay home all day and do nothing, you could get a hobby etc.

It doesn't sound like you are being very restricted by your husband either.

The world tells women to be the default parent and that they aren't allowed to enjoy working and having a successful career. Just look at OP, it's almost like she felt she had to be a SAHM simply due to her DH's large salary.

Ultimately, it has to be the woman's choice if possible. If OP wants to work, she should. I don't see how children would benefit from an unhappy SAHM.

If you don't want to use childcare then I'm not sure you have many options. But on 800k take home your husband dropping his hours could be an option. Especially if you say you don't spend a lot. With 160k in the bank you'd be fine for a while.

Jesus where are these jobs that pay 800k p.a. and even your previous ‘pocket money’ salary of 80k 6 years ago!?

I sometimes daily rue choosing the public sector route! Swap you some job worthiness for a wedge of your cash OP 😂

You can’t work with three kids and not use childcare.

I honestly don’t get the dilemma here.

She really really really wants to zig a zig ahh

Exactly this. Joint account. None of this "allowance" nonsense.

If you want the freedom that comes with going to work then go back to bloody work. Stop having babies, get some childcare and get a job. You have no problems here that your vast resources can’t solve.

Honestly, what do you want, a magic wand?

I am a SAHM with just 1 child. The income and possible pay disparity (if I worked) is very similar. Even though I bring no income into the household I have access to all money, bank accounts etc. We act as a family unit. I spend as I please (so does he). We are in agreement how much would be a big spend and if it’s over this we let the other know in advance. If the situation were to be reversed it would make no difference. At the end of the day you married your partner and had children, intend to stay together, you are a unit.

Raising three children is hard work, you’re just not “paid” for your contribution.

All of this and your dream is to be someone's employee?

In your position I would definitely hire a nanny and get a job where you work short hours or part time.
I think you have a weird mentality about childcare and that it represents some sort of failure. Having a nanny doesn't mean you've given up on being a parent!! It just means another lovely loving relationship for your children and a means to you keeping your career going while they are well cared for. When you're around the nanny can sort the kids' laundry and do batch cooking etc. This is a dream scenario - wish I could do this!

800k? Um, early retirement?! Philanthropy?!
Is he famous?!

Honestly you could do so much good with that money. Plant trees, anything!

Could you invest the money in some sort of property let (holiday/long term etc). This could then be a bolt hole for you should you ever need it and/or running a bit of a business.
Really admire you for not following in your parents footsteps.

I think this demonstrates really well how much work gives us beyond the remuneration. The sense of purpose, the independence and the sense of self.

I'm like you OP, I can't be reliant on others, I went back to work after DC1 (and 2) because I wanted to, rather than because it was needed. I did however put really clear boundaries in place for myself which meant I haven't missed a school play, assembly or class trip. That's the freedom that not having to work gives you.

Use 'maternity leave' to look at your career options and to seek out a career that will be fulfilling and flexible for you, if your original industry won't do that.

Why would you be left with nothing. You're married.

I think the whole thing about your high earning husband is a bit of a red herring. You have the same dilemma lots of women have - do you want a satisfying career where you earn your own money at the cost that your children need a nanny, nursery or other childcare or do you want to be a SAHM at the expense of your career. Both involve sacrafices and it's impossible to have everything.

OP you are very lucky that you have choices. I would love to be able to work and had the chance of a job in a field I already volunteer in. I couldn't take it though because I am a lone parent who is the sole carer for a disabled child who has lots of time off school with illnesses, appointments and school refusal.

If I was in your position I would source appropriate childcare. A good nanny who could look after DD if I was working would be a dream.

You are in a very fortunate position. Most children grow up with both parents working for at least part of their childhoods. My mum was a SAHM until my brother went to school and then went back, initially part time, to her career as a teacher. None of us felt deprived because of this.

As others have said it's not a choice between being a SAHM or having childcare and never seeing your children. You have to work out why you feel the way you do. Is it that you miss the world of work? Is it that you feel you are looked down on as a SAHM? You are in an enviable position to many people.

Don't forget you are a family unit. Presumably you and your husband agreed that you would look after the children. You are not "living off" your husband but if you feel that way you are in a position to do something about it.

I'm not sure I understand the issue. If you fancy going back to work, go back to work part time, maybe 3 days a week? Hire a nanny or put children in childcare for the days you have work. Best of both worlds surely!

Lots of horrible and jealous comments here, OP.

You aren’t bound by financial restraints, so I would look at going back to work when baby is one for your sense of self and purpose. You could find a part-time role and have baby with a 1:1 nanny at home those days, or a really nice nursery. The time flies by, and by around 18 months baby will really be benefitting from the socialisation at nursery.

Don’t feel guilty. You don’t have to give up your entire sense of self when you have children. Could you go back to your previous career, even if at a lower level? Or on a freelance consulting basis? Is there anything you’re interested in studying/training with a part time uni course? Set up your own small business? Do you have a dream you want to pursue?

If you were part-time, freelance or WFH then the children will still see you heaps. In a few years they’ll all be at school in the day, so those hours are yours to fill anyway.

Are your diamond shoes to tight as well. Get childcare simples.

Haven't read any of the posts so sorry if someone has said this but 30k a year? Your husband earns 800k a year and he thinks the 'work' you do in raising kids/maintaining house etc is only worth 30k? I would be asking for a payrise!

Problem is I feel so trapped just constantly feeding off him. I know I have all this money saved up that I could spend but every time I go to spend it I feel guilty. I desperately want to be back in work because I just miss it so much

Try re-framing that. You’re not ‘feeding off him’. You are a couple - a team. You each bring something. That doesn’t have to be money, it can be skills, household management, support, etc etc etc. If your DH works long hours and brings home more than enough for you to stay at home and focus on the children, the house, etc etc, then do it!

You’ve already said you didn’t like not having your parents around as much as you’d have liked in your childhood. You’re lucky that you can do something about that and stay home for your children.

You say you miss work, and I think that’s the truth of the matter: you feel you should stay at home for your children’s sake, but in your heart don’t want to. Ask yourself why? Then fill any gaps. Is it adult company you miss? Using your brain? What? There are plenty of courses you could do. Why not volunteer when your baby is older? I mean this in a kind way not a dig, but if you volunteer maybe you’ll then see your problem as not a problem at all, just very good fortune.

Money can be hidden or tied up in ways to make it inaccessible. And a man earning £800k, and working in the financial sector, will be well aware of ways of doing this.