Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who should have got up?

284 replies

Autieangel · 23/11/2023 07:14

Dh and I went to bed around 945 last night. I couldn't sleep and at about 1030 I heard a loud bang in the house. Like a crashing noise. We have 4 year old ds in his bedroom and a dog downstairs.

I woke dh who said it was probably nothing. I thought one of us should check in case it was to do with our son.

Dh refused so I checked the house alone and concluded our son had put toys on his bed and must have kicked some off.

I was annoyed that dh left it to me and essentially went back to sleep while I walked round the house alone.

Who's unreasonable here?

OP posts:
BlueEyedPeanut · 24/11/2023 20:56

If you genuinely thought you had an intruder, neither of you should have been getting up to confront them.

SoTired12 · 24/11/2023 21:35

bitchatty · 24/11/2023 18:56

given your username @SoTired12

perhaps you’re being woken up too many times to check out noises?

Your 'comebacks' are shit 😭 bet you were so pleased with yourself too

SoTired12 · 24/11/2023 21:36

bitchatty · 24/11/2023 18:56

given your username @SoTired12

perhaps you’re being woken up too many times to check out noises?

Your 'comebacks' are shit 😭 bet you were so pleased with yourself too

Thirtyandflailing · 24/11/2023 21:39

Yabu unfortunately, my dh is similar to yours works out a lot 18stone of muscle, however, when we hear a noise it’s whoever is awake that checks the kids. So for example I’ve heard a bang, I rushed into ds room and he was on the floor but didn’t wake up. Whereas if you checked your child and it wasn’t them, then I’d go wake dh

Yourcatisnotsorry · 24/11/2023 21:57

I would have made my DH do it too :-)

Whathappenedtomyvag · 24/11/2023 22:24

Collapsed lung. Ended up on a ventilator. But fine now, just a very stormy start in life that lasted for a few years. Luckily we haven't played one upmanship with each other over who is the biggest arsehole about getting up!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/11/2023 23:14

If you really thought it was a burglar he should have checked/ if you thought it was the dog or child then you shouldn't have woken him if he's already asleep

Legallybrunette97 · 24/11/2023 23:34

@TheChosenTwo I’m sorry, but this whole I “don’t feel the need to be protected by a man” so you willingly put yourself in what could potentially be harms way… to what? Prove some feminist point that you’re a strong independent woman?
Why, if there is a bigger stronger person (male or female - I am generalising heterosexual relationship here as that is what yourself and OP appear to be in) in the house, would the smaller person choose to go and “check” if it’s an intruder, when someone likely more able to defend themselves against an intruder (which are most likely to be men, btw) could go instead?

But no, all you strong independent, “I don’t need no man” women go and try to protect your homes to prove a point!

OP, I’ve done the same as you before. If I think it’s an intruder, I wake my husband up. I know for sure he’d much rather I did that than attempt to fight off an intruder (man) at my meagre 5ft 3! (I am also quite strong, but I wouldn’t like to take on a man).

On another note, I don’t think it should be a case of turns. If you think something is wrong with your baby and you’re awake, you may as well go to them and check - you are awake, after all :)

Canisaysomething · 25/11/2023 01:54

I’m a massive feminist until it comes to putting out the bins and checking for intruders.

Pandajane · 25/11/2023 02:10

You husband was being a lazy ass unsupportive c*nt. It doesn't matter who you are partnered with, if they love and care about you and your child, they should immediately take you seriously and be there to help and reassure you even if they think it's nothing. By the way, ignore the "uhhh, actually, I would go myself because I'm such a full on feminist empowered woman" and the pickme girls with their "oh your poor husband, you should not be waking him, he should be complaining about you" - they're just a bunch of bitches which is pretty much all you get on here. You are NOT being unreasonable, it's little moments of disrespect like this that erode a marriage.

MissTrip82 · 25/11/2023 02:12

Legallybrunette97 · 24/11/2023 23:34

@TheChosenTwo I’m sorry, but this whole I “don’t feel the need to be protected by a man” so you willingly put yourself in what could potentially be harms way… to what? Prove some feminist point that you’re a strong independent woman?
Why, if there is a bigger stronger person (male or female - I am generalising heterosexual relationship here as that is what yourself and OP appear to be in) in the house, would the smaller person choose to go and “check” if it’s an intruder, when someone likely more able to defend themselves against an intruder (which are most likely to be men, btw) could go instead?

But no, all you strong independent, “I don’t need no man” women go and try to protect your homes to prove a point!

OP, I’ve done the same as you before. If I think it’s an intruder, I wake my husband up. I know for sure he’d much rather I did that than attempt to fight off an intruder (man) at my meagre 5ft 3! (I am also quite strong, but I wouldn’t like to take on a man).

On another note, I don’t think it should be a case of turns. If you think something is wrong with your baby and you’re awake, you may as well go to them and check - you are awake, after all :)

I don’t think anyone’s proving a point. Just being a normal functional adult. Unusual noise, check on the kids.

Im fascinated by people who not only live somewhere where an intruder is the most likely cause of a noise during the night, but who sleep with a weapon under their bed and are married to someone so accustomed to violence that they’d be perfectly comfortable using it without having to consider that it would likely be taken off them and used against them should this entirely hypothetical intruder exist.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 25/11/2023 02:15

Wow my DH is pissing me off right now, but I'd totally expect him to do it and he would. Surely an intruder is the one time it's ok to be sexist??

Darlingx · 25/11/2023 02:36

I had this on a late night tube journey someone chased someone as the tube doors closed their reaction was to use a fire extinguisher to smash in the windows of our carriage they didn’t break open but it was terrifying being trapped . Tube drivers reaction was to vacate the train whilst guy was smashing up carriage and my partner ran to his own safety with no concern for mine and it was a force majeur moment for me personally because as it turned out when someone is telling you who they are believe them moment.

TheChosenTwo · 25/11/2023 02:45

Legallybrunette97 · 24/11/2023 23:34

@TheChosenTwo I’m sorry, but this whole I “don’t feel the need to be protected by a man” so you willingly put yourself in what could potentially be harms way… to what? Prove some feminist point that you’re a strong independent woman?
Why, if there is a bigger stronger person (male or female - I am generalising heterosexual relationship here as that is what yourself and OP appear to be in) in the house, would the smaller person choose to go and “check” if it’s an intruder, when someone likely more able to defend themselves against an intruder (which are most likely to be men, btw) could go instead?

But no, all you strong independent, “I don’t need no man” women go and try to protect your homes to prove a point!

OP, I’ve done the same as you before. If I think it’s an intruder, I wake my husband up. I know for sure he’d much rather I did that than attempt to fight off an intruder (man) at my meagre 5ft 3! (I am also quite strong, but I wouldn’t like to take on a man).

On another note, I don’t think it should be a case of turns. If you think something is wrong with your baby and you’re awake, you may as well go to them and check - you are awake, after all :)

I think really it’s just that I don’t find unexplained noises threatening that I need defending from. Noises in an old house are just noises, the house moving, sometimes things falling on the floor.
I’ve never had a burglar and hope to never encounter one either but if I do then I do. It’s not to prove a point. If I’m up and I hear a noise that concerns me I’ll go and check it out, I wouldn’t wake dh and send him to check it out.
I can’t remember a time where I’ve been worried about a noise to the extent that I’ve gotten up to check it.
how many times have you got up to an unexpected sound? How many of those turned out to be intruders?
Also, I’m just not a wimp!

Thexwife · 25/11/2023 02:48

If I thought someone was in the house I would expect the man to go down - he’s bigger and stronger. If I thought it was my child I’d get up.

THEDEACON · 25/11/2023 04:12

I'd just have got up and dealt with "the Intruder" or whatever

Legallybrunette97 · 25/11/2023 05:57

@TheChosenTwo in fairness, I am 26 and I’ve been woken up quite a lot from lots of different sounds - I’ve lived in Germany and all over the UK in varying types of areas from “rough” to the countryside. Only once has that noise been an attempting Intruder and to confirm - this noise was the quietest and least likely of them all to have been one you would expect of an intruder.

Thankfully my family dog got up and growled at the window. I was 19 at the time and home alone in my parents house ( I had already moved out), and yes, maybe I was being a wimp. But at the time, where I lived people were getting raped and seriously assaulted in a so called “public park” just behind our house. So no, I was not going to go investigate and/or defend our house. Now, had my now husband been there, I know he’d have gone to investigate and I’d have felt a lot calmer knowing he had. Instead I sat up bolt right in bed for 2 hours until my parents came home and I could relax. It was only midnight at the time of the intruders attempt.

So forgive me for being a wimp and being wary of what loud noises in your house are - some have just been unexplained and downright weird, fyi! (Bookshelf and picture frames slightly moved downstairs… no sign of burglar but a MASSIVE bookshelf moved? Sleepwalker? Who knows)

But I stand by my point, whether it’s likely to be a burglar or not, I actually think human instinct is either fight or flight - from what you have said, yours is to fight, mine is to flight. My partners instinct is to fight and he’s a lot bigger and I’ll let him (I’d rather he didn’t fyi, but I also know I can’t stop his instinct to go and protect our home).

For reference, I actually weigh more than my partner (I am 5 ft 3 and 60kg, 3 months PP for reference, so no, I’m not obese or anything like that) but he is easily 5x stronger than me. He does also box and do other such sports, however.

My point being, I’m glad you don’t find the noises anything to be concerned about and would rather go look yourself. Good for you. But that doesn’t mean you should put other women down for not feeling the same or having the same instinct as you. I think it’s more reasonable to assume most people (largely women) would rather avoid confrontation with a potential intruder in their home and that’s fine. I also think it’s fine for them to ask their partner/husband. They can only go and say no! And that’s not wrong either.

fyi we’ve two Staffies, one whom never barks unless there is something to bark at, and his bark when he is letting you know there is a “danger” is very different to his bark when he’s playing. Now, at night, he has barked on average of once every two weeks in a very aggressive “danger” bark and growled. Each time, it’s been a “false alarm” but every time, there have been people outside/in the distance. Sometimes it’s a bloody pheasant. But every time, my husband has gone down to not only check he is okay, but to just check the house and outside for what it could be setting our dog off.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to do so and check for your own peace of mind. Stop putting other women down (you’re not the only one doing so on this thread) and accept that you’re not all heroes

Robbee · 25/11/2023 06:39

The dog would have warned if it was an intruder!

Robbee · 25/11/2023 06:44

If it had been an intruder the dog would have barked! You're just looking for excuses

Ukrainebaby23 · 25/11/2023 06:54

TheChosenTwo · 23/11/2023 07:46

Sorry, your response wasn’t there when I started typing!
Anyway, I haven’t changed my thoughts on this. Highly unlikely to be an intruder but I’m not afraid, I’m quite tough and generally don’t feel the need to be protected by a man so I’d have just gone and checked myself.

Totally the wrong thing, if you've even possibly got an intruder, wake the person you're with, grab the phone, turn on as many lights as you can and have 999 on speed dial ready as you both check. Any sign of external interference, 999 start by saying police, when they answer, say your address, then possible intruder on premises, I'm alone with kids etc etc, get the important stuff out first so they know it's a real emergency. Don't say, I've heard a bang blah blah, get your address our first. Many times we've caught intruders this way. I used to work in a cops control room.

Most important is to get rid of intruder safely, not to try to catch them and corner them.

captainmarvella · 25/11/2023 07:15

InterFactual · 23/11/2023 08:09

I find it amusing that the so called feminists in this thread are actively attacking another woman. Feminism is about women supporting women, remember. 🙄

OP, people are being overly harsh. If I suspected an intruder I would absolutely want my husband to go first and I would follow closely behind to help. He is literally twice the size of me, strength matters in these situations and (in my case) those 'feminists' are deluding themselves if they think a 5ft woman with disabilities can fight to protect her family as hard as 6ft weight lifter built like Hodor.

Pretending that women are exactly the same as men in every way is NOT feminism.

Also for those who think it's crazy to jump straight to the idea of an intruder, I'm pleased you've never been burgled or attacked, what a lovely life you've had. Good for you. 🏆

i'm a feminist but i'd not expect to go by myself as I don't want to get attacked by an intruder. And it's not about 'me before him' - I'd also be scared that my DP, whom I love, would end up getting hurt if there was really an intruder and there is an altercation. So, no, in this case, if there was really an intruder, we will ring the police. My husband is a strong man but I am def not going to send him out to fight with an intruder who might have a knife or a gun, just so that I can feel protected.

HolidayAddict23 · 25/11/2023 08:04

Jesus Christ, get a grip!

ActDottie · 25/11/2023 08:45

Why would this fall to your husband anyway?? Because he’s a man?

If you had to wake him the noise obviously wasn’t even that loud, he also hadn’t heard it so from his point of view why would he go and check…

ActDottie · 25/11/2023 08:48

Autieangel · 23/11/2023 07:38

I didn't want to go alone as my dh is twice my size and works out in the gym 4 times a week so is much better equipt to deal with an intruder than me. My preferred choice would have been to go together.

I wouldn't go without waking him incase it was an intruder.

But I did it alone. So if it happens again should I deal with it again or is it dh turn? Or should this be another job that defaults to me.?

This is all so over the top!!!

Vonesk · 25/11/2023 18:21

I would not be too upset. Look at it this way : You could next time say: " Honey ,I just got a message from me bestie inviting me to her impromptu Hen Party.......I'm off out now."
Then go party.

Swipe left for the next trending thread