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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should have got up?

284 replies

Autieangel · 23/11/2023 07:14

Dh and I went to bed around 945 last night. I couldn't sleep and at about 1030 I heard a loud bang in the house. Like a crashing noise. We have 4 year old ds in his bedroom and a dog downstairs.

I woke dh who said it was probably nothing. I thought one of us should check in case it was to do with our son.

Dh refused so I checked the house alone and concluded our son had put toys on his bed and must have kicked some off.

I was annoyed that dh left it to me and essentially went back to sleep while I walked round the house alone.

Who's unreasonable here?

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 23/11/2023 07:55

My dh has always said to wake him if I heard something like you did. But tbh I'd have probably got up and investigated if I was awake and he was asleep.

Isthisexpected · 23/11/2023 07:56

Autieangel · 23/11/2023 07:46

The feminist comments annoy me. Being a feminist is about respecting and supporting women . It's not about doing everything all of the time and it's not about putting yourself in vulnerable situations to prove a point. It's men feeding that in order to be equal women have to to do everything. No in order to be equal men need to respect and treat women equally.

I agree. Who is more likely to be an intruder? Who is more likely to be overpowered by an intruder? It's facts not antifeminisism.

However, as you mentioned your son in the OP, rather than I thought it might be an Intruder... people are focused on that aspect and that a woman is equally capable of attending to her four year old in the night.

wholecupcake · 23/11/2023 07:56

You're the one who wanted to check it out. If you were scared and wanted him to come too you needed to be more explicit. "I'm worried it might be an intruder who will lamp me - please come with me"

YourNameGoesHere · 23/11/2023 07:56

If I had got up and it was an intruder would dh been at fault for not getting up with me.

At fault for what? Why are you trying to lay any blame for an event that never happened with your DH?

If you thought it was an intruder you would surely go and get your child and then contact the police? You wouldn't go and confront them and risk harm. If they are there to steal stuff my honest thought process would be fuck it, let them it's only stuff and can be replaced. People confronting them cannot be replaced and is just asking for more trouble.

wholecupcake · 23/11/2023 07:57

Autieangel · 23/11/2023 07:50

@KrisAkabusi I didn't know what it was?? Because it was a loud crash. So it could have been the dog, the child, something falling or an intruder. I assumed child as it seemed most logical but didn't rule out any other possibilities. If I had got up and it was an intruder would dh been at fault for not getting up with me.

No he wouldn't the intruder would have been at fault for stabbing you or whatever

Josette77 · 23/11/2023 07:58

If it was an intruder, it would be the intruders fault.

Returnsreturnsandmorereturns · 23/11/2023 07:59

Sirzy · 23/11/2023 07:16

Well personally waking him wouldn’t have crossed my mind and I would have checked myself

Me too. I can’t imagine being worried about my child or pet and waiting to wake another another adult to discuss it when I
could have got up and checked on them
both quicker than having a conversation.

ThePineapplePrincess · 23/11/2023 08:00

YANBU. You can ignore all the woman up bullshit.

He’s the man. He’s bigger and physically stronger. Of course he should have been the one to check and if he was any kind of a gentleman at all he would have done so without question.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/11/2023 08:00

I think it depends a bit on the set up in your house.

Is he one of those blokes dickheads that goes with the line 'I'm a traditional old-fashioned guy' which basically means 'housework and childcare is women's work all day every day, but on the minuscule chance I need to defend or protect you, I will' . If so, he should have jumped out of bed.

But if you live in an equal household, where sex stereotypes don't play a role, then you shouldn't have woken him. Unless you were super scared and he wouldn't have been.

Mayorq · 23/11/2023 08:01

Is "checking for intruders" the new "passport renewals" for the mumsnet competitive division of labour lists?

HappiestSleeping · 23/11/2023 08:02

myotherkidisacassowary · 23/11/2023 07:54

Just in case it helps you feel more comfortable, it’s vanishingly unlikely to ever be an intruder. Burglars don’t break into houses where there are likely to be people asleep, it makes things much more risky for them. The vast majority of burglaries happen during the day or while people are on holiday.

I think things might have been different if you had expressed to your husband ‘I’m worried there is an intruder and I don’t feel safe checking the house’. He would have been more likely to check himself or reassure you then. As it was he was likely just assuming (correctly) it was the dog or a toy and didn’t think it needed further investigation at all.

Show quote history

Additionally, years ago 90% of crime in the UK was against the person (I.e. burglary / mugging / etc), whereas these days, 90% of crime is electronic. Thus the chance of it being a burglar is further reduced, especially one that is able to get in without the dog barking.

maddening · 23/11/2023 08:02

If there is concern of an intruder the the strongest person should check - being that most men (even mediocre men) could kill a woman with their bare hands your dh should have gone as if it were an intruder he would have more chance of fending them off.

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/11/2023 08:03

I very much doubt I'd have woken him up for a one off noise. If my husband was awake he would have checked though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/11/2023 08:05

Iamblossom · 23/11/2023 07:24

I would have been worried it was an intruder , woken my husband and he would have gone downstairs to check, with the base ball bat that he keeps under our bed.

Don't see how that doesn't make me a feminist or a modern woman.

I agrée with you and surprised at responses.

If you thought there was an intruder, then it’s surely better if he gets up (assuming he doesn’t have any sort of disability that makes he more vulnerable than you in that circumstance?).

Presumably you aren’t waking him up every other night.

For something that doesn’t make you think intruder, then the person who wakes up first should generally go (other than where it’s a regularly waking baby, where turn taking is required)

YourNameGoesHere · 23/11/2023 08:05

maddening · 23/11/2023 08:02

If there is concern of an intruder the the strongest person should check - being that most men (even mediocre men) could kill a woman with their bare hands your dh should have gone as if it were an intruder he would have more chance of fending them off.

Or you know contact the police and consider that regardless of whether you're a man or a woman no TV, car or other item in your property is worth confronting an intruder and potentially risking your life over...

arethereanyleftatall · 23/11/2023 08:06

I'm thinking about this too much. But for me, 50 & single, there is very little value a man can bring to my life that a female friend cant do better. Sex is one thing. Getting up for an intruder would be another. That would be about it. If a bloke doesn't get up for stuff like that, id be thinking - what's the point of having a bloke. Rather just have female friends.

maddening · 23/11/2023 08:07

YourNameGoesHere · 23/11/2023 08:05

Or you know contact the police and consider that regardless of whether you're a man or a woman no TV, car or other item in your property is worth confronting an intruder and potentially risking your life over...

Edited
Show quote history

I didn't say he should tackle an intruder but go and check before, you know, calling the police over a sound.

NoSquirrels · 23/11/2023 08:09

It’s obviously less about who should have checked and more about you feeling unsupported and like you are responsible for everything while your DH doesn’t care/doesn’t do.

InterFactual · 23/11/2023 08:09

I find it amusing that the so called feminists in this thread are actively attacking another woman. Feminism is about women supporting women, remember. 🙄

OP, people are being overly harsh. If I suspected an intruder I would absolutely want my husband to go first and I would follow closely behind to help. He is literally twice the size of me, strength matters in these situations and (in my case) those 'feminists' are deluding themselves if they think a 5ft woman with disabilities can fight to protect her family as hard as 6ft weight lifter built like Hodor.

Pretending that women are exactly the same as men in every way is NOT feminism.

Also for those who think it's crazy to jump straight to the idea of an intruder, I'm pleased you've never been burgled or attacked, what a lovely life you've had. Good for you. 🏆

AgaMM · 23/11/2023 08:10

I love how OP has changed tact by now portraying her husband as lazy by asking if it’s another job that is defaulted to her!

Frasers · 23/11/2023 08:10

When this happens I listen out for further noise, if nothing, like in this case, I go check, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t. and going together is silly. Some toys fell off a shelf, that’s it.

and feminism is about equality for women, in social, economic and political context. It is not simply women supporting women. It is about equal rights and opportunities for women in the spheres listed.

Original poster
Autieangel · 23/11/2023 08:11

Mayorq · 23/11/2023 08:01

Is "checking for intruders" the new "passport renewals" for the mumsnet competitive division of labour lists?

😂😂

OP posts:
Whinge · 23/11/2023 08:13

AgaMM · 23/11/2023 08:10

I love how OP has changed tact by now portraying her husband as lazy by asking if it’s another job that is defaulted to her!

Not to mention the story has changed from I thought one of us should check in case it was to do with our son. to my husband is is much better equipt to deal with an intruder than me.

If Op thought it was an intruder then i'm sure DH would have been more interested, as it was she thought it was their son and woke her partner even though she could have dealt with it.

wholecupcake · 23/11/2023 08:13

I woke dh who said it was probably nothing. I thought one of us should check in case it was to do with our son. this is the bit that would get my back up. If you wanted him to check why didn't you ask if he could check as you were scared? Why be vague and hinting. You said one of you should check so unless you spell it out he's probably like "ok go check then".

YourNameGoesHere · 23/11/2023 08:15

maddening · 23/11/2023 08:07

I didn't say he should tackle an intruder but go and check before, you know, calling the police over a sound.

Show quote history

You said check and he'd have a better chance of fending an intruder off hence my assumption you be expecting a confrontation between him and an intruder.

If I suspected an intruder it wouldn't be because I'd only heard one sound. You'd listen for more and then call the police. I certainly wouldn't want my husband risking his life for trivial things, I'm actually quite fond of him so would rather not have a TV and still have a husband.

Anyway it's all a moot point because there was no blooming intruder it's just a daft argument to make people decide she wasn't unreasonable to wake her sleeping husband.