To think he's 'lost the plot' not I

[ThankGoditsChristmas]

I'll start by saying that obviously these incidents aren't isolated and I'm physically ill from stress.

I honestly think my partner has lost the plot; 2 scenarios to highlight this...

Last week I left the hoover out, in the kitchen out of the way. I'd hoovered half of downstairs but didn't finish as partner was working and didn't want to be loud. So I put it to one side. Let me preface this by saying partner does zero housework, I constantly clean up after him and I am very tidy and house proud.
Partner does not mention the hoover all evening. I take our child to bed, walk back down to the kitchen and see the look on his face. Strangely when he goes on a rant it's honestly like he's a different person (not that he's ever particularly nice), his voice and expressions change.
He asks why I've left the hoover out. I apologise and explain I was going to finish using it. He tells me I've made us look like lower social class degenerates for leaving out the hoover. I can see he wants to be horrible and he will go on and on, so I say sorry, it's just a hoover and I'll put it away. He continues to ask what is wrong with me and says I'm not right in the head. I tell him it's just a hoover and he says but leaving it out isn't normal and I'm mentally ill. I say 'youre telling me I'm mentally ill because I left out the hoover, really' he replies 'yes you're mentally ill and need help'.
I move the hoover and tell him he won't break me by telling me I'm mentally ill all the time and he replies 'if I wanted to break you I'd just leav you, you'd never cope without me'. I walk off and spend the evening in a separate room. My son unfortunately heard all this upstairs.

6am this morning my child woke. I got up to see him, I disturbed partner getting up. He starts getting angry telling me that I fucking woke him. As I reached our bedroom door he says "you always destroy me. Will you stop screaming and shouting". I wasn't even talking. I reply calmly saying I'm not shouting and he says, yes you are. Stop screaming and shouting. I get into bed with our son but don't sleep as I'm so stressed. Partner then tried talking to me as normal. I find it all really odd.

I was counting the number of apologies in your post.

I am sorry you are experiencing this.

We don't always process what's ok / not ok in the moment. Taking a step back and time helps tremendously to see the impact a relationship, a person has on us.

It's taken me a while to understand how my body feedbacks when I'm connected to a person who is not healthy for me. Spending time following #somatic (instagram) and Dr. Nicole LePera (on Twitter) helped me tremendously understand healthy boundaries and call out behaviour that was not okay.

Here's a quote from Dr Nicole LePera's Twitter page (lots of free resources) -

"We teach people how to treat us...

No, we don't.

We were taught how to be treated as children. We were shown what to accept in our lives.

Becoming an adult is about unlearning dysfunction as love."

I hope you've got some people around you that you can get support from to help you in your choices.

We are the average of the 5 (nervous systems) people we spend the most time with. Choose well.

Can't you rent a room out if he leaves and make up the rent?

Anyway worry about that after he's gone!

Do you know about alcoholic psychosis? Delerium tremens? Confabulation disorder? Wet brain? They're all real things.He might even be believing the things he's saying if he's a chronic alcoholic dipping in and out of withdrawal (that he may not realise).

Personally, I'd be all for the idea that he thinks I might stab him and let him do a runner.

Does he not have friends and family or colleagues or a GP you can approach? In a 'concerned' manner. Because believe me you at by this point everyone has noticed whether you think so or not. You could even say that the relationship isn't working but you're concerned what will become of him and he needs help.

I know it's a matter of when I will leave mad not if
Please let it be BEFORE your child is further affected and learns that this is how you treat women/demand to be treated. Do not let what is being modelled be his 'normal'

Somebody very dear to me was in a relationship with a man like this. They were so emotionally beaten down that their whole way of thinking became twisted into this man's abusive world view. That is how control works, by isolating you and convincing you that they are right and that you are bad and wrong. They convince you that if only you were "good" and behaved yourself then they would treat you better because you would then deserve better treatment. Of course you will never ever achieve the standards they set because all they want to do it to keep you in thrall to them. To cut a long story short, the person i knew left in the end. It was tough and the man concerned fought dirty and continued with the manipulation but from a distance which made it easier to cope with. They are now settled and happy. Leave him please, he won't change

Seriously, start to make a plan to leave. Nobody is happy here. You're in charge of your own happiness, and nobody elses. He sounds like he needs serious help tbh. But i'm guessing would never be the type to acknowledge that. Remember your child is being damaged by all this, not your fault, but you really need to get them out of this toxic environment.

Wtf? So you do all the housework and he still treats you like that?

Dump him.

He's a selfish, abusive dick and he will never change.

You deserve better.

It's honestly not just an alcohol issue. So he doesn't drink throughout the day. Just a few bottles from around 6pm. If I keep my head down and don't complain or ask anything of him then he's ok with me and cheery when drinking. I can just never voice an opinion.

Can you stay with your family while you get yourself sorted out?

I feel alone and wish other people could see this side of him.

But your family do - they hate him. They clearly see the real him.

Go back to Women's Aid. Do the Freedom Programme again.

He's abusive. You should leave him.

What do you want to happen from here then OP?

Img I have been here and it will only get worse. Leave as soon as you can, he's going to try to destroy you before and especially when you leave.

Ok, but can you see that absolutely none of that is healthy or normal? It's not a relationship if you are mute. And it's terrible modelling for your child. Maybe start by writing down/laying out (just to yourself) what your ideal life would look like. See how far away you are from that right now. From your PPs, it seems to me that unless your H has a complete personality transplant, your only option is to leave him. I know it's massive and i'm not saying it lightly, but i really think you should be looking at leaving him.

Well there's many an alcoholic braving it through the work hours with gritted teeth.

However, since he's not an alcoholic, he's just a straight up abuser and you need the right support and help to break free - not only literally leave or boot him out but to comprehend how far down into the abuse you've gone and how it's distorting your own perceptions.

Save yourself whilst you've still got the mental capacity and where with all and insight and wellness to do so. Cos things can get even worse, far far worse. You need to take action, I'm sure you've realised this, now you need to do something. Take your power and take help. Can you ask your GP or local mental health team or child welfare team for suggestions on how to get help?

Listen, you really don't need to wait to leave him. You're renting and you're not married. That makes it a lot easier to just leave (I'm not saying this lightly, have left an abusive man myself). Pack essentials, get your child and go. Take some time off work and just turn up at a relative's house, or get a really cheap B&B somewhere, but please do not stay. He may be reading this thread and that puts you in danger. As soon as you leave. Turn the phone off, and get a completely new phone with new phone number.

This was me for fifty years. Then one day he dropped dead. The last seven have been the happiest of my life.

@ThankGoditsChristmas do you mind if I ask you OP- does he have a good job? because he comes over as a total inadequate , is the child both of yours? Start making sure you know the financials- what he earns etc, ideally photocopy wage slips- because you might need them if going for CMS. Do you rent? If so get onto entitledto and work out what income you could get if you got him out (may be possible ) factor in CMS too - as that doesn't affect your benefit and you may get £300 or so if he's an average ish earner

This is abuse. You know this and you’ve not prioritised yourself, but please leave for the sack of your child. Don’t let them continue to see this and believe this is a normal way to treat people. I wouldn’t want him to have access.

This man is abusive and he is gaslighting you, trying to degrade you, ruin your self worth and make you actually feel like you are mentally unwell.
It's very disturbing!
Think about your life and the part he plays in it, I think you'd cope absolutely fine without him. And this is an option you should seriously consider looking into. It's bad enough that he is abusive to you, but now your child witnesses it too.
Trust me when I say this will impact the young adult your child becomes if they are not in an emotionally healthy environment. Your home is emotionally unsafe due to your partners behaviour.
Things can't carry on like this, for the sake of yourself and your child.
Wishing you all the best

Just reading that he was waiting downstairs to discuss the hoover being left out and that you are clearly used to assessing his expression and body language, was terrifying to read, let alone experience. He clearly has psychological issues and if you don't get away from him, you'll end up with chronic stress and/or depression. Value yourself, your health, your sanity and your son - living simply and peacefully is what you both need.

OP, my ex drank heavily every night. LIke a bottle of whiskey, then wine. He didn't have the alcoholic behaviours that an actual alcoholic I was once engaged to had (eg didn't get the shakes, or the sensitivity to booze..) but was very dependent through habit. He is also a diabetic and has high blood pressure. He put his hearing issue down to ear damage (works in music business) however none of this is ANY excuse. I still see it as an exercise in control. After all, if your hearing is that sensitive.. you'd leave the music industry, you would think?!

You need to leave and take your DS with you. He sounds unhinged at best, dangerous at worst. Please contact Womens Aid.

I really can't agree with this enough. I coped as a child, but it caught up with me eventually, and it was catastrophic to say the least. I had my own child, so they suffered the consequences of my parents choices. The myth of the two parent family at all costs couldn't be further from the truth imo.

and your partner uses the same coercion... the fact it is a hoover of all things made me want to throw up readingy your post, but of course could be any object.... It's nuts I now hoover freely every night as if it's a bloody luxury!
Typical gaslighting when they scream and shout and then accuse you of it and of course you've remained silent with fear. Also very conveniently, the alcohol causes amnesia.. hmmm

I’m really concerned for you and your sons safety. This is some serious gaslighting. Not only has he got you doubting your sanity but I suspect he’s telling other people the same and how you’re the one crazy and abusive, then if something happens to you he has this excuse.

I can see how he has worn you down but you can do this with support, I did it with 2 little girls and a couple of black bags. Call Womens Aid again and get help to get out! Now! If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your son.

There’s a lot of women here who will help support you every step but we can’t do it for you. Your not alone 💛

Please go somewhere safe with your son OP, this person is so far removed from healthy and you and your child will continue to suffer and truly, things will get worse, they always do in active addiction and abuse, please just go, everything else can be sorted at a later date, the priority is for you and son to be away from this disgusting person