To think he's 'lost the plot' not I

[ThankGoditsChristmas]

I'll start by saying that obviously these incidents aren't isolated and I'm physically ill from stress.

I honestly think my partner has lost the plot; 2 scenarios to highlight this...

Last week I left the hoover out, in the kitchen out of the way. I'd hoovered half of downstairs but didn't finish as partner was working and didn't want to be loud. So I put it to one side. Let me preface this by saying partner does zero housework, I constantly clean up after him and I am very tidy and house proud.
Partner does not mention the hoover all evening. I take our child to bed, walk back down to the kitchen and see the look on his face. Strangely when he goes on a rant it's honestly like he's a different person (not that he's ever particularly nice), his voice and expressions change.
He asks why I've left the hoover out. I apologise and explain I was going to finish using it. He tells me I've made us look like lower social class degenerates for leaving out the hoover. I can see he wants to be horrible and he will go on and on, so I say sorry, it's just a hoover and I'll put it away. He continues to ask what is wrong with me and says I'm not right in the head. I tell him it's just a hoover and he says but leaving it out isn't normal and I'm mentally ill. I say 'youre telling me I'm mentally ill because I left out the hoover, really' he replies 'yes you're mentally ill and need help'.
I move the hoover and tell him he won't break me by telling me I'm mentally ill all the time and he replies 'if I wanted to break you I'd just leav you, you'd never cope without me'. I walk off and spend the evening in a separate room. My son unfortunately heard all this upstairs.

6am this morning my child woke. I got up to see him, I disturbed partner getting up. He starts getting angry telling me that I fucking woke him. As I reached our bedroom door he says "you always destroy me. Will you stop screaming and shouting". I wasn't even talking. I reply calmly saying I'm not shouting and he says, yes you are. Stop screaming and shouting. I get into bed with our son but don't sleep as I'm so stressed. Partner then tried talking to me as normal. I find it all really odd.

This just makes me feel sick reading about it.
Wtf are you still together?

He is abusing you which is why you are ill. Please contact Women's Aid asap. Remember, there are different forms of abuse.

Psychological and emotional abuse can be difficult to describe or identify. It’s* *when a perpetrator uses words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, scare or upset you. Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse are:

• Screaming and shouting at you
• Mocking you, calling you hurtful names or using derogatory words about you
• Sulking or refusing to talk or be kind until you do something they want
• Making you doubt your own sanity. This is known as gaslighting. A perpetrator may gaslight you into thinking that you are remembering things wrong or that you are misinterpreting things, later making you believe their version of events is true. This behaviour is often used to manipulate.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

WTAF??

I voted YABU - highly unreasonable to be with him. Life doesn't have to be this way, I promise. He's an abuser.

More knowledgeable posters can give you practical help, please listen to them. Please.

Please make a plan to leave. You call him your partner but it sounds as though there is no actual partnership on anything. The more you write the worse it gets.

Who cares if he has lost the plot or not? He behaves monstrously towards you and you don't deserve it, despite him doing his best to make you think you do.

Please don't share your life with him any longer.

OMG it just gets worse. It sounds like he has broken you and you're questioning your own sanity. Please see him for what he is - an abusive arsehole. And how is he even hacking into your phone? Change your MN password so he can't look at anything (if he even is). Seriously, I don't throw in LTB lightly but this is what you need to do.

He's an awful abusive prick, get your child away and safe from his gaslighting manipulative clutches

It's very difficult to explain. Having someone a lot older and respected, calmly telling you how crazy you are. Some things he's said and done are so surreal that I almost don't believe it myself. He's always been selfish and entitled but got worse after I discovered he had cheated on me. It's tarnished his ego and I don't think he can cope and takes it out on me.

I know it's a matter of when I will leave mad not if. I just need more time to sort finances as I'll be a single mum work part time. I've done the freedom program and have spoken with Women's Aid in the past, thank you for the suggestions.

I don't know how he's hacking I ot it but he knew things he'd only know by being on my phone. He told me not to forget that he knows what's on my phone and he's tech savvy.

The man is deranged, cruel and abusive. I don't say this often but I pray you get away from him. You're going to be so much happier.

If you’re reading this, OP’s partner: you are a hateful abusive bastard and when she sets things in motion to escape from you, there will be hundreds on women on here and in real life supporting her.

It is difficult to explain, but there are plenty of people who belive you, and understand exactly what you are trying to say, you don't need to to doubt yourself for a second. This is real, it is happening, and you can get away from him, ask for help, and take whatever is offered.

Above all, remember, just because he says it doesn't mean it's true.

He is really not well in the head- sorry OP you need to find away out to move on and really quickly. He is actually a psychopath - and you and your child aren't safe around him. I have no idea what you saw in him in the first place- I can only presume he was very different and thus has crept up

Why on earth are you still with him? Have you looked into your entitlement to maintenance and benefits?

Please save your child from this man. You need to take your son away from him. Is this how you want his childhood to be?!
Honestly it's so awful I wouldn't have my children in the house with a person like this for another hour.

Also OP, get yourself a cheap separate phone that he doesn't know about and use your other phone he does know about rarely - just for calls or the odd innocent texts etc. don't look at house rentals, mumsnet or anything like that on it - change your passcodes on it and if it's an iPhone change your Apple ID immediately- many phone spyware things work off appleID if it's an iPhone. Make sure he isn't linked in on your phones to 'findmyfriend' or a version of that. Clear your browser history daily too

ThankGoditsChristmas · Today 16:40

I don't know how he's hacking I ot it but he knew things he'd only know by being on my phone. He told me not to forget that he knows what's on my phone and he's tech savvy.

Jeez! Use a fingerprint lock.

And leave him. Yesterday.

Please call women's aid and make a plan to leave this abusive man. What he is doing is abuse and it's not ok.

You know this is wrong. What stuck out for me was when you said you didn’t finish the hoovering because you didn’t want to be too loud…..IN YOUR OWN HOME! You are already doing things subconsciously to pacify him or not trigger him. Sorry if I overlooked how old your son was but not good for either of you. Any family nearby you can go to? This man is not behaving normally- leave.

This is abuse. This is gaslighting. Please, please get a plan in place to leave, for your sake and the sake of your children. Don’t let them grow up thinking that this is what normal relationships look like

OP, please speak to Women's Aid about your options and leaving safely. This won't get better. You're not crazy, but he's doing his best to make you feel like you are.

I always wonder who raises these tossers and then why women stay with them?

This is a clear case for Women's Aid, OP. You need help to get away from this dangerous man.

@astarsheis He needs to have a warning sticker tattooed on his face,

I know it's a matter of when I will leave mad not if. I just need more time to sort finances as I'll be a single mum work part time. You need to do this as quickly as you can. He is a role model for your DC. That's not a situation you want to continue.

(not that he's ever particularly nice),

Surely, this one half sentence tells you everything.

He literally hates you.
If he’s not already having an affair, he will be soon.

Why are you apologising to him for leaving the hoover out!
If he has an issue with it then he needs to put it away.

You work, you do all of the housework and probably most of the parenting - so why are you worried about being single?

I am a single working parent and I never have anyone speaking to me like that in my own home.
No way would I be apologising for leaving a Hoover out in my own home, if I want to leave something out I do.

I actually don’t think you realise how bad this relationship is.
Please leave asap.

Whose name is on the tenancy?