To think he's 'lost the plot' not I

[ThankGoditsChristmas]

I'll start by saying that obviously these incidents aren't isolated and I'm physically ill from stress.

I honestly think my partner has lost the plot; 2 scenarios to highlight this...

Last week I left the hoover out, in the kitchen out of the way. I'd hoovered half of downstairs but didn't finish as partner was working and didn't want to be loud. So I put it to one side. Let me preface this by saying partner does zero housework, I constantly clean up after him and I am very tidy and house proud.
Partner does not mention the hoover all evening. I take our child to bed, walk back down to the kitchen and see the look on his face. Strangely when he goes on a rant it's honestly like he's a different person (not that he's ever particularly nice), his voice and expressions change.
He asks why I've left the hoover out. I apologise and explain I was going to finish using it. He tells me I've made us look like lower social class degenerates for leaving out the hoover. I can see he wants to be horrible and he will go on and on, so I say sorry, it's just a hoover and I'll put it away. He continues to ask what is wrong with me and says I'm not right in the head. I tell him it's just a hoover and he says but leaving it out isn't normal and I'm mentally ill. I say 'youre telling me I'm mentally ill because I left out the hoover, really' he replies 'yes you're mentally ill and need help'.
I move the hoover and tell him he won't break me by telling me I'm mentally ill all the time and he replies 'if I wanted to break you I'd just leav you, you'd never cope without me'. I walk off and spend the evening in a separate room. My son unfortunately heard all this upstairs.

6am this morning my child woke. I got up to see him, I disturbed partner getting up. He starts getting angry telling me that I fucking woke him. As I reached our bedroom door he says "you always destroy me. Will you stop screaming and shouting". I wasn't even talking. I reply calmly saying I'm not shouting and he says, yes you are. Stop screaming and shouting. I get into bed with our son but don't sleep as I'm so stressed. Partner then tried talking to me as normal. I find it all really odd.

I think a few people could do with reading this and also thanking their lucky stars that they've either never been in a coercive control situation or that they were strong enough to realise and get out

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/#:~:text=Shame%2C%20embarrassment%20or%20denial&text=This%20prevents%20people%20recognising%20the,to%20cover%20up%20the%20abuse.

Ah well if he does read this he'll find out that I think he's a massive cunt!

OP, do you have options to leave? If you go to your family will they take you in and help and support you while you get work and sort out school/childcare for your son? You really can't stay with this man, he's a monster.

He's a vile abuser.

Please leave him - please leave him tonight. Pack a bag, grab your son and stay with a friend or family. He is truly nasty.

Sometimes we don't have the courage and strength to help ourselves because we become so undermined. But take heart at the corroboration voiced on here about your abhorrent, abuser OH.
Get angry on your sons behalf and take action for the childs sake if not your own.
Talk to somebody, family or friends and make plans. If you can ,transfer half of all available cash funds into a separate account as soon as you have thought of a way out.

Look up gas lighting.

You say your family hate him, have you much relationship with them? I suspect maybe not as he's put a wedge between you and your family, either way turn to them they will support you.

Look at your child deep in the face and remember you are showing them combined with that scumbag how to live. Get him the fuck out I've been this one it gets worse

100% this. The whole 'stop screaming' when you are being quiet is a clear indicator of this. It is either to make you doubt your reality, or because he is playing to a (hidden) future audience.

There is no saving this relationship, and it is hurting your child. Why aren't you leaving? If it is worry about managing financially by yourself, (borrow someone else's phone and) check out what you would be entitled to in benefits (entitled to website), if you were a single mum. You would probably be entitled to a lot more support than you think.

There’s something wrong with this guy and he’s damaging you and your child. I know it’s incredibly difficult, you have been conditioned to put up with it and you will be fearful of leaving, but please, you must leave. This will escalate over time and it won’t get any better.

He's abusive and you need to leave.

Please call womens aid. They are wonderful. Men like this are incredibly manipulative and make you believe you are going mad (it happened to me).

For posters asking why you haven't already left him, or telling you to leave him. It's often not that simple, I didn't realise I was even in am abusive relationship as he only hit me twice. These men also get inside your head, I was led to believe the messy tupperware cupboard was one of the many reasons he was always so vile to me. I believed it too. It takes time to fight back. Your first step is to contact women's aid. They will find you a refuge if that's the way you want to go. Be safe doing so x

I agree with others that he's likely making recordings of you, trying to paint you as the abuser.

If not then he's gaslighting you so you feel like you're losing your mind.

It is very important that you leave ASAP.

100% not OK or normal.
You deserve to feel safe in your home. I think you need to think about leaving. Good luck

That is horrific. Please make a plan to leave.

My ex once told me "you are the architect of my misery" . Sounds similar

@ThankGoditsChristmas
Has he seen a mental health professional? Some of what you are describing sounds as though he could possibly be hallucinating.

Please document everything he does and says as well as write out every thing you can remember. Give copies to someone you trust.
Make your exit plan now, carefully, again with help of someone you trust implicitly.
Contact women's aid. YOU MUST GET OUT.
He is f-ing insane but is trying to make you and your son believe it's you. If you do not leave with your child, your child will become him.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

He sounds extremely paranoid...... does he smoke (weed?) or drink. Not that I am excusing his behaviour at all but some of the things you've said make him sound mentally unstable! Has he always been like this?

Whatever the reason I agree with PP you need to get yourself and DC away from him. He's toxic or even dangerous whatever the reason / excuse.

Is he on drugs? Seriously concerning behaviour! You are far to good for this and both you and your son deserve much better.

Please, please, please put plans in place to leave. This is horrible, and not great for you or DC.

Please, please get yourself and your dc out of there. A refuge might be a possibility? Surely better than him going to court for custody telling everyone you shout and scream and you’re the mentally ill one. I think taking your dc out of school and going to your family would be worth it.

Do you want your Son to think this is a normal relationship? You need to take him and go to your family. Call women's aid first or go to a women's shelter or even call the police so there is a record of him being abusive so it's harder for him to get custody.

This is not a healthy environment for you or your son. I think you know this.

It made me feel sick to read this, a real trigger
My ex hated the hoover, the noise disturbed him, He was very filthy in the house so I had the need to obviously hoover. I'd have to ask for permission to do so... if I took too long he'd hit me . So I'd always have to wait until he'd gone out but as a shift worker (and he didn't work for two yrs in covid) the opportunity wasn't often there.
So I'd have to live with the filth OR risk a beating.
He said it was because his hearing was too sensitive.. I also got beatings for.. using sellotape near him (he hated the noise of it peeling off the roll) and several times for opening cans of coke... all noise triggers for his rage. Took me 9 yrs to leave as had nowhere to go.
I urge you to seek help.
This is not normal behaviour and of course I was always told it was ME who was not normal. Of course it was just a way to control me... knowing living in a dirty house upset me... that's why he did it. He held that power over me.
The neighbours heard me being beaten up a few times and did nothing.
I'm a few months out of this now and into my new life.
Pls do get out