To think he's 'lost the plot' not I

[ThankGoditsChristmas]

I'll start by saying that obviously these incidents aren't isolated and I'm physically ill from stress.

I honestly think my partner has lost the plot; 2 scenarios to highlight this...

Last week I left the hoover out, in the kitchen out of the way. I'd hoovered half of downstairs but didn't finish as partner was working and didn't want to be loud. So I put it to one side. Let me preface this by saying partner does zero housework, I constantly clean up after him and I am very tidy and house proud.
Partner does not mention the hoover all evening. I take our child to bed, walk back down to the kitchen and see the look on his face. Strangely when he goes on a rant it's honestly like he's a different person (not that he's ever particularly nice), his voice and expressions change.
He asks why I've left the hoover out. I apologise and explain I was going to finish using it. He tells me I've made us look like lower social class degenerates for leaving out the hoover. I can see he wants to be horrible and he will go on and on, so I say sorry, it's just a hoover and I'll put it away. He continues to ask what is wrong with me and says I'm not right in the head. I tell him it's just a hoover and he says but leaving it out isn't normal and I'm mentally ill. I say 'youre telling me I'm mentally ill because I left out the hoover, really' he replies 'yes you're mentally ill and need help'.
I move the hoover and tell him he won't break me by telling me I'm mentally ill all the time and he replies 'if I wanted to break you I'd just leav you, you'd never cope without me'. I walk off and spend the evening in a separate room. My son unfortunately heard all this upstairs.

6am this morning my child woke. I got up to see him, I disturbed partner getting up. He starts getting angry telling me that I fucking woke him. As I reached our bedroom door he says "you always destroy me. Will you stop screaming and shouting". I wasn't even talking. I reply calmly saying I'm not shouting and he says, yes you are. Stop screaming and shouting. I get into bed with our son but don't sleep as I'm so stressed. Partner then tried talking to me as normal. I find it all really odd.

Oh love. He is abusive. He is gaslighting you. And it is having an awful effect upon both you and your child. You need to get out of there. Can you reach out to Women's Aid again? Or talk to family? You are not safe with him.

Get out of there with your child asap. He is dangerous.

This is extreme gaslighting.
He’s an abuser OP.
He may be mentally unwell himself - but it’s no excuse to be such a horrible bully.

You don’t deserve any of this.

You are worthy of love, respect and happiness. You don’t need to put up with it OP, life is too short to be so miserable.

For your sanity and also the welfare of your child who is witness to this dysfunctional dynamic and your partners toxic behaviour, please consider leaving him as soon as possible.

Women’s aid can support you.

Great point. It becomes second nature to anticipate the 'mood'. Even as a very young child, you live on the edge, waiting to see which Dad comes through the door. The 'merry' one with a few sweets, who's fun to be around, or the violent demon who wallops your mother. It is no way for anyone to live, especially not a powerless child.

This is chilling…please get out 🥺

You state ' he's not ever particularly nice' no he isn't. You sound like your being very considerate ie putting hoover to one side until later so not to wake him it sounds like your pussy footing around him. He's hacking your phone. He's telling you your crazy. He's trying to gaslight you. But your strong so he can't he's trying harder and harder to confuse you. He is by the sound of it a true narcissist. A lot of people use that term lightly these days but do read HC Tudor he is a narcissist and writes about the true behaviour.

This is abuse. I'm sorry but you need to start getting your ducks in a row and considering next steps. If he says to you again I'll leave say go on then good riddance and mean it. It's like he's trying to get you to fight for him have drama with him. And I'm sorry to say he's most likely cheating spying on you and all this anger it could be he's cheating and he's trying to make you the reason why.

Depends how long this has gone on if he was absolutely fine until say a bad life event it could be severe depression and stress only you know OP what do you think ... Was he a charming man who changed into a nasty one? How long have you been together? Hope you are ok stay strong xx

Just to say OP, I grew up in a similar household to yours. My dad's mental bullying and gaslighting got worse. I was 10-years-old, my mum started divorce proceedings, then she promptly gave up as she said us children were better off in a 2-parent family. I begged her to leave him and that we'd be okay. To this day they are still together and my mum will tell you, he's a wonderful husband as he always worked and paid the bills. He has mellowed significantly but is still the same person inside.
I am 50-years-old and despite being strong, independent, intelligent and happy; I still carry emotional scars that I'll never completely get rid of. There are songs I cannot hear and foods I cannot eat because of the memories they evoke.
Do not become my mother and do not allow your son to become another me.

Blimey, he's got all the answers hasn't he, the twat!

Please leave this idiot.

Or before he kills her

Cannot agree with this enough (again). The damage inflicted rears its head years down the line, and it can be life threatening. 3 out of 4 of us siblings in my family have had MH problems, i ended up in hospital because of it. I had someone sitting with me in my hospital room 24/7. I was there for months, and my young child had to see that, and it must have been very difficult for her to understand. She used to visit me in a tiny room, with a screen (altho that was covid related afaik) very like prison. I am so damaged by my upbringing. It's not insurmountable, but why would you do that to your child? Absolutely no man is worth that.

I think he's recording your interactions to somehow try to paint you as being unstable when you leave him. Him saying that he's leaving because he's scared you're going to stab him, or telling you to stop shouting and yelling when you're actually doing no such thing, will be used as evidence later when he tries to convince people how crazy you are. Can you also record these interactions so he doesn't have the opportunity to twist it later?

Perhaps it will stop her thinking it's one big game. Fuck your kids mental health up and anything else you do, provide is irrelevant.

Just tell him to feck off with his gaslighting crap and abusive behavior and start looking for ways to leave and have a peaceful life as he sounds mentally deranged and a narcissist.
What does he add to your life.
Get out while you can before he breaks your spirit as that is what he wants to do.
Really how can you stand this crap. Just start making plans for a better life and to leave. Rings Women's Aid/Refuge and talk to a friend, family and open up to what he is like as he is deranged and who the hell does he think he is, the hoover police, I would shove it up his ass and tell him to feck off.
Do not put up with this ridiculous abusive behavior, you deserve so much more and no child should have to listen to this.

I think when a person is in long term abuse and gaslighting, they lose perspective and start walking on eggshells and kowtowing to abuse. Lose sense of humour and resilience, take a fearful stance and then catastrophise and give them power that they don't even have.

The real truth is it's literally laughable and pathetic. He's a foolish bullying idiot. Put the radio on, play some music, make noise, claim back your space and when he says something insanely abusive, laugh in his face and tell him he's not well.

Practise saying 'this relationship isn't working for me, it hasn't for a long time, we need to discuss going our separate ways'.

Ever heard the saying 'it's better to die on your feet than live on your knees'. Well that's always been my stance.

What you gonna do stay trapped living like a caged cowering whipped dog for the rest of your life?

When your kids are old enough to leave home they won't want anything to do with you and will refuse to come to that house, guaranteed. They'll hate you for making their childhoods a misery and causing their mental health problems (because no-one gets out free from this level of dysfunction).

Haven't you seen the couples in their 60s and 70s in town with the bloke barking to the woman like she's some kind of man servant, both with faces like bulldogs chewing a wasp ?? I certainly have- we all look and pity them and then realise that some poor woman has possibly been treated like this for 20 or 30 years and out up with it-- occasionally I've seen women behave like this too- don't get yourself into this position lovely- kill it off now.

You've all been so lovely and given great advice, thank you. I know I need to leave for my children, I'm really concerned with what they are seeing. Even the atmosphere whereby I try not to speak etc, it's not a loving home and my children are my absolute world.

I am so so sorry you are going through this and wish you all the best of luck in escaping this abusive individual x

He’s an abuser. That’s it, nothing more. He is a straightforward abuser and he will never change, and the longer you stay with him the longer your son will have to deal with the trauma of seeing and hearing his mother be abused.

What? Really? If so, maybe this thread isn't genuine and needs reported? Could be one of those 'send me money' things? Or just a wind up.

Op he sounds barmy. Sorry but that's such fucked up behaviour

Oh love, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I recognise so much of it from my own previous relationship. I'm really glad that you recognise that he's being abusive and that NONE of this is your fault, no matter what bullshit he spins you about your mental health. What he's doing is the very definition of gaslighting and it's dangerous behaviour.

The fact that you're not married is a good thing. I appreciate you wouldn't be able to afford to rent your property on your own, but you and your children would honestly be better off in the tiniest flat imaginable than you are in the house with this man. He's vile and you and your children all deserve so, so much better.

I really hope the next step you can take is finding the strength to leave - I know how hard it is but you will feel so incredibly relieved. when you do. I know lots of people have already suggested speaking to Women's Aid, which would be a good start.

Lots of love to you x

Pack it in !! 😠

You have no idea what it’s like to be so worn down from abuse, fear and walking on shells that you completely lose your identity.

The thought of leaving what little security and everything you know, even if that reality is abusive is terrifying!

The op needs encouragement and support not victimisation! from the very people who should be lifting her up.