To think he's 'lost the plot' not I

[ThankGoditsChristmas]

I'll start by saying that obviously these incidents aren't isolated and I'm physically ill from stress.

I honestly think my partner has lost the plot; 2 scenarios to highlight this...

Last week I left the hoover out, in the kitchen out of the way. I'd hoovered half of downstairs but didn't finish as partner was working and didn't want to be loud. So I put it to one side. Let me preface this by saying partner does zero housework, I constantly clean up after him and I am very tidy and house proud.
Partner does not mention the hoover all evening. I take our child to bed, walk back down to the kitchen and see the look on his face. Strangely when he goes on a rant it's honestly like he's a different person (not that he's ever particularly nice), his voice and expressions change.
He asks why I've left the hoover out. I apologise and explain I was going to finish using it. He tells me I've made us look like lower social class degenerates for leaving out the hoover. I can see he wants to be horrible and he will go on and on, so I say sorry, it's just a hoover and I'll put it away. He continues to ask what is wrong with me and says I'm not right in the head. I tell him it's just a hoover and he says but leaving it out isn't normal and I'm mentally ill. I say 'youre telling me I'm mentally ill because I left out the hoover, really' he replies 'yes you're mentally ill and need help'.
I move the hoover and tell him he won't break me by telling me I'm mentally ill all the time and he replies 'if I wanted to break you I'd just leav you, you'd never cope without me'. I walk off and spend the evening in a separate room. My son unfortunately heard all this upstairs.

6am this morning my child woke. I got up to see him, I disturbed partner getting up. He starts getting angry telling me that I fucking woke him. As I reached our bedroom door he says "you always destroy me. Will you stop screaming and shouting". I wasn't even talking. I reply calmly saying I'm not shouting and he says, yes you are. Stop screaming and shouting. I get into bed with our son but don't sleep as I'm so stressed. Partner then tried talking to me as normal. I find it all really odd.

I just need more time to sort finances as I'll be a single mum work part time. I've done the freedom program and have spoken with Women's Aid in the past

You don't have more time. You need to get out, as soon as possible. Like NOW.
There is not time to wait. He is very, very dangerous.

Take you son and a bag, and go, anywhere you can.
If you can drive and have access to cash, you could hire a van for a day to get more stuff out of the house in one fell swoop - do your parents have a garage or shed you could put stuff in?
Even if there is no way to take much stuff with you, you need to go.

The stuff doesn't matter. Finances don't matter. There is always universal credit.

GET OUT OF THERE.

I'm glad you got out and I hope you stay safe and can move forward with healing. 🩷

I didn't read the full thread yet, but he's actually telling you he's a psycho. Listen to him and get the fuck out of there! I understand the disentanglement process is shit but the very fact you can't see what a bastard he is tells you everything you need to know. He's doing a number on you. Run like the wind, and never, ever look back.

I think that’s incredibly unfair. Posters here are aware of all that’s written here and many of them have been in that position themselves.

People are repeatedly suggesting the Freedom Program and contacting Women’s Aid and OP says she has already done both. So what is it you think people should be saying or advising, other than trying to hammer home the fact that she really needs to get out ASAP? What’s your advice?

Leave the bastard. Jesus who gives a shit where a hoover is placed. He sounds utterly unhinged.

thankyou, Mumtobaby.
Sitting here crying.. poor OP and her child. It's awful to think of someone else going through it. I didn't have children but still couldn't leave.. and covid was particularly a desperate time, seemed so hopeless.
in the end my ex had to sell up and so I had to go anyway. I'm ok now most of time but it's only been a few months.. still have nightmares and hard to sink in that I'm alone in own place now. I think my subconscious is only really trying to process it all now I'm safe.
What I can say is, karma has worked since we left that house! My ex has had a dreadful time. That wasn't me wishing it, but!
I will say with a child there is more help available. At least that's how I've seen it with friends leaving with kids in the past. As a single woman it was dire so I gave up.
Please OP.. explore every avenue. This is not a well man and you are living in fear and your idea of normality is warped, as mine was.

You're being abused in your own home by this man in front of your kids. Please think about how you can end this relationship.

He does sound like an extreme Narc (or worse) and he's gaslighting and abusing you.

Don't let him break you down and do keep recording him. If he so much as lays a finger on you then ring 999 immediately and let the police deal with him.

It would be great if you could flee and find somewhere safe to be where he doesn't know the location. I know it's hard but please start trying to think of ideas and work towards them.

This is so horrific. Can you and your son move in with a relative?

He's setting a false scenario that he probably tells anyone who will listen to it for when you finally find the balls to leave this abusive, gaslighting arsehole.

Please make it soon.

I’d rather sleep on a relatives sofa and start over again than put up with one more second of this psychopaths abuse.

please get your son away before it’s too late and he’s really damaged by this abuse. You say your family hate him, that’s good - they obviously know what an evil dick he is and will help you.

Textbook gaslighting and controlling behaviour. You need to plan and draw on all your strength to leave him before he completely drains you of all your self confidence and personality until you no longer recognise yourself. Hopefully you have someone in rl that you can confide in to give younthe support to do this.

@alltoomuchrightnow I'm so sorry you went through all of that. That's heartbreaking to read. I'm so pleased you've managed to get out of the relationship and start rebuilding a new life. Ironically as an outsider I can see that leaving is the best thing. I breathed a sigh of relief on your behalf when I read you're now out of this, you must feel like a weight has been lifted.

No, he's not on drugs. He does drink most evenings, extra strong stuff. If he's in a mood with me then drinking does exacerbate the behaviour. He definitely knows what he is doing, although his family members have commented that they have seen him belittle me. I feel alone and wish other people could see this side of him.
He has a very respectable and responsible career. I can't imagine the oint of going to the police. I have no energy to have someone in authority (partner) trying to make out I'm crazy and I'm so emotionally broken I can't even muster the energy to defend myself.

This was my husband. He also used to rant and shout at me until 3/4am. He would say things I knew I'd said - because they were measured and reasonable - and say I'd said the things he did which were demonic and vile. I actually thought I was mad for a while.

A couple of my children were manipulated by him to thinking I was the problem but it did take about 10 years for them to work through that.

I recall I used to plan DIY in those long rants. "If he leaves the drill .... " I must have been deranged to think he would take it TBH he hated anything to do in the house.

You have likely reduced your existence to nothing so he rants at you for wildly inconsequential things because he is grasping at straws.

Leave my love. As soon as you possibly can.

He does make comments about how good he is for putting with with someone so mentally ill and it saddens him apparently that I'm as crazy as his ex wife.

He'll never want custody of our child. He's far too lazy. He just needs me to look crazy to fit his narrative. To be honest, he's predictable. I found out he cheated, he couldn't cope so had to make out that he chose to leave the house because I was crazy (I had very calmly, with no aggression asked him to temporarily leave). He then started character assassination. His ego has been damaged and thats because of me, so he needs to appear the victim.

He reads like a dangerous man OP,
I half feel like he would hurt you and make it look like you've done it to yourself

Please try to get away from him as soon as you can.
This will just continue to get worse.

Why are you with someone who hacks your phone? That's not normal.

Agree.

I am so sorry you are with this arsehole. It must grind you down so much. But you have to dig in now. Short term pain for long term gain. And for your child especially. My mum escaped at around 60, so it's always possible, but don't put yourself and your child through unneccesary suffering for that long. This man is not adding anything to your life. Start making a plan now, i promise you won't know yourself when you're free of him.

He could be a straight up alcoholic by this point if he sustainedly drinks heavily.

Maybe you could suggest he quits drinking and mention that he seems very odd when he's been drinking. Narcs don't like being out of control, it triggers their shame.

Anyway since you asked him to leave once because of the affair, can you ask him to leave again?

@betterangels honestly because the way he speaks to me I feel as if I'm loopy and he makes it sound as though it's perfectly reasonable. I told him it's illegal to go through my phone and he said he did the same to his ex wife and went to court, so he knows exactly what he can and can't do. Plus he's the one that pays the internet bill (he doesn't).
I've no idea how he's got into my phone but he's deleted photos (evidence of his cheating) from my Google drive (that I didn't even know I had) and knew abou the recording.
He basically said I was completely disloyal because I talk about him to people and when I said "how would you even know" he replied saying he knows what's on my phone and that I'd recorded him. I think he also wants me too scared to use my phone to talk to people...and I was.

He literally left for 2 days stating "I'll leave because I'm scared of you and may try to stab me" it made absolutely no sense. I was making a cup of tea at the time! I've never been violent or aggressive.
I could ask but if he leaves, I have nowhere to live with my children.

Jesus, this thread needs a trigger warning.

He hates you talking about your relationship because he's terrified people will learn how he treats you, he knows it's not right.

Please please leave. This is a dangerous man.

He's gaslighting the fuck out of you, I'm so sorry. Please try to ask for help in real life. You need to be safe away from him.

@EarlofShrewsbury he says it's classless and his mum never did such a thing (his mum and dad had a lovely relationship). He says I'm horrible, nasty and disloyal.
I asked for reassurance he liked me a few weeks ago (pathetic I know) and literally had him shouting at me repeatedly "I don't fucking like you, you're horrible, nasty and disloyal". I cried and he said "look at you crying again, it's pathetic. See you have anxiety problems and need medication. You're so insecure". I'm just a wreck.