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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's 'lost the plot' not I

267 replies

ThankGoditsChristmas · 22/11/2023 16:16

I'll start by saying that obviously these incidents aren't isolated and I'm physically ill from stress.

I honestly think my partner has lost the plot; 2 scenarios to highlight this...

Last week I left the hoover out, in the kitchen out of the way. I'd hoovered half of downstairs but didn't finish as partner was working and didn't want to be loud. So I put it to one side. Let me preface this by saying partner does zero housework, I constantly clean up after him and I am very tidy and house proud.
Partner does not mention the hoover all evening. I take our child to bed, walk back down to the kitchen and see the look on his face. Strangely when he goes on a rant it's honestly like he's a different person (not that he's ever particularly nice), his voice and expressions change.
He asks why I've left the hoover out. I apologise and explain I was going to finish using it. He tells me I've made us look like lower social class degenerates for leaving out the hoover. I can see he wants to be horrible and he will go on and on, so I say sorry, it's just a hoover and I'll put it away. He continues to ask what is wrong with me and says I'm not right in the head. I tell him it's just a hoover and he says but leaving it out isn't normal and I'm mentally ill. I say 'youre telling me I'm mentally ill because I left out the hoover, really' he replies 'yes you're mentally ill and need help'.
I move the hoover and tell him he won't break me by telling me I'm mentally ill all the time and he replies 'if I wanted to break you I'd just leav you, you'd never cope without me'. I walk off and spend the evening in a separate room. My son unfortunately heard all this upstairs.

6am this morning my child woke. I got up to see him, I disturbed partner getting up. He starts getting angry telling me that I fucking woke him. As I reached our bedroom door he says "you always destroy me. Will you stop screaming and shouting". I wasn't even talking. I reply calmly saying I'm not shouting and he says, yes you are. Stop screaming and shouting. I get into bed with our son but don't sleep as I'm so stressed. Partner then tried talking to me as normal. I find it all really odd.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 22/11/2023 17:41

I don't think it sounds like he's lost the plot at all. I think he is fully in control and knows exactly what he's doing. He's laying the groundwork to claim you're mentally ill when you divorce.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/11/2023 17:42

His comments sound so bullying and threatening

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 22/11/2023 17:42

I'm not surprised you are ill from stress.

You need to leave. Do you have family or friends you can go to immediately until you get a longer term plan?

If you were my sister or friend, I would do around and take you away from this man.

FeetupTvon · 22/11/2023 17:43

You need to seek advice on how to get him to leave.
Please don’t put yourself or your son through this one moment longer than you need to.

OneMorePlant · 22/11/2023 17:43

Why are you putting up with this and letting your child grow up with someone this unstable who treats you like this??

Take your child and go. Get a good lawyer and if he wants custody demand a full psychological evaluation of him as you think he is unstable.

FeetupTvon · 22/11/2023 17:43

Is he ever physically violent towards you?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/11/2023 17:44

This is more than odd
Your DP is at best a nasty bully at worst a sadist. It gives him pleasure to shout at you and make you wonder what you've done wrong
This is no environment to bring up your child He is taking this in and will think it's normal Next comes the shoving, hitting and beating
Leave asap and put your child first, not him

Blanca87 · 22/11/2023 17:45

Hello OP’s waste of space husband. If you are reading this you spineless fuckwit, I hope you get an eternity of Willy thrush whilst you dwell in purgatory.
Please leave him OP. ❤️

Therealjudgejudy · 22/11/2023 17:46

He sounds deranged...but also dangerous.

You need to leave.

Allthecheeseplease · 22/11/2023 17:47

ThankGoditsChristmas · 22/11/2023 16:25

I mean these situations are nothing really compared to everything else. It's just what I live with on a daily basis. It completely messes with you. To be told to stop shouting and screaming when you're not even talking...
I walked in from work and he tried arguing with me about a stool (that's my child's from his room) being moved. He kept going on about how it shouldn't be moved and rating at me. It's just a stool...just get it. I said to leave me alone and not shout at me and he says "and you stop being rude, aggressive and shouting at me". I'm not though. I don't even speak unless spoken to these days. Don't have an opinion either.

He's also told me in the past he hacks into my phone, so if he's extra grumpy with me later, he's probably seen this.

Oh moy goodness, you poor thing. That's a horrific way to live. There's no need t compare of minimise. It's emotional and physcological abuse and coercive control. Ring Womens Aid and talk it through with one of their volunteers. His gaslighting is already working if you think this is not serious. Children hearing this is also very concerning. Please take care of yourself. Also you can factory reset your phone and only reinstall apps you recognise. Change your passwords, especially your google/apple ones as he could have those and that could be what he's using.

FeetupTvon · 22/11/2023 17:49

If he is reading this… he can read what we all think of him.

Hiphopopotamonster · 22/11/2023 17:50

FFS. I know I’ll get flamed for this and I know there are many reasons why women stay with abusive men. But I get so angry reading these kind of posts. OP you have a choice of who you live with and where you live. They might be difficult choices and you might feel trapped but you do have a choice. Your child does not. Protect your child. Let him grow up in a home with no abuse. Please.

CallmePaul · 22/11/2023 17:50

He sounds like a truly horrible individual, if you were my daughter I'd batter him with that hoover.

If he is hacking your phone, then this is directed to him, (& absolutely & utterly not at you mate) you are a sad pathetic coward & feeble excuse for a human who needs to seek a mental health professional to deal with your obvious issues & learn to behave like a decent human being.

Pr1mr0se · 22/11/2023 17:51

Your partner is being abusive, this is not a loving supportive man. He has mental issues. You sound remarkably sensible and calm considering how he bahaving.

ttcat37 · 22/11/2023 17:52

I think you need to get a bad, your child, and leave him before you become the subject of a true crime podcast. He sounds psychotic and in need of help. Genuinely- not using that word as a slur.

HazelBite · 22/11/2023 17:53

I think the OP is so used to this behaviour that she just doesn't realise how unreasonable, bizarre, and downright truly awful his behaviour is.
Please OP listen to the posters on here and distance you and your child from him sooner rather than later.

CatMadam · 22/11/2023 17:53

He sounds horrendously abusive, please leave this shite man !

JFT · 22/11/2023 17:54

ThankGoditsChristmas · 22/11/2023 16:25

I mean these situations are nothing really compared to everything else. It's just what I live with on a daily basis. It completely messes with you. To be told to stop shouting and screaming when you're not even talking...
I walked in from work and he tried arguing with me about a stool (that's my child's from his room) being moved. He kept going on about how it shouldn't be moved and rating at me. It's just a stool...just get it. I said to leave me alone and not shout at me and he says "and you stop being rude, aggressive and shouting at me". I'm not though. I don't even speak unless spoken to these days. Don't have an opinion either.

He's also told me in the past he hacks into my phone, so if he's extra grumpy with me later, he's probably seen this.

Firstly he sounds intolerable and you should plan to break away IMO

but how old is he? Does he have dementia or some form of personality disorder? Was he always this abusive and dominant? Does anything he say sound like a full blown delusion / psychosis? Is he having 'episodes' that fluctuate? Does he drink or use drugs (as frankly he sounds like a nasty old drunk to me).

Sometimes when people who are really abusive or narcissistic get older the severity of their disorder gets far worse and more entrenched as they become less inhibited so it's more obvious. But the accusing you of yelling when you're not talking etc, that's a bit far gone and maybe he's got a severe mental health problem?

RantyAnty · 22/11/2023 17:55

How old are the children and how long have you been with this abusive twat?

Trommelgeroffel · 22/11/2023 17:57

I have voted YABU purely because you are still living with him. Perhaps he's done such a number on you that you genuinely think it's kind of ok, but you don't even sound that bothered. Your tone is more "oh dear, DH forgot to pick up the milk".

I can assure you, if this is true, that you should have left him a long time ago as he has severe problems.

jeaux90 · 22/11/2023 18:01

This is gaslighting.
You need to leave.

For yourself and your DC.

TeaGinandFags · 22/11/2023 18:05

Why don't you record him?

Keep a log where he won't find it, say, in the laundry basket. Talk with Women's Aid and a solicitor. Fantasise about arsenic but try not to use it: they can test for it these days. Unless you can get him to self administer... Apparently it's a lovely green colour.

BTW considering one of you does all the coping and the other does absolutely bloody everything I suspect the single life would be an improvement for you. Good luck and LTB!

Nowherenew · 22/11/2023 18:05

Therealjudgejudy · 22/11/2023 17:46

He sounds deranged...but also dangerous.

You need to leave.

I agree.

His behaviour is really concerning and he doesn’t just sound like a dick, he sounds actually dangerous.

Thelnebriati · 22/11/2023 18:08

@ThankGoditsChristmas Please talk to Women's Aid and the police first thing tomorrow. He sounds dangerous, its illegal for him to hack your phone, and he seems to be making recordings that he intends to fake - complaining about you shouting at him when you are not.

StopStartStop · 22/11/2023 18:11

He's abusive. Protect yourself and your child. Get away from him. Don't record him, don't provoke him. Get support (Women's Aid, family if you have them) and make a safe exit.