To think he's 'lost the plot' not I

[ThankGoditsChristmas]

I'll start by saying that obviously these incidents aren't isolated and I'm physically ill from stress.

I honestly think my partner has lost the plot; 2 scenarios to highlight this...

Last week I left the hoover out, in the kitchen out of the way. I'd hoovered half of downstairs but didn't finish as partner was working and didn't want to be loud. So I put it to one side. Let me preface this by saying partner does zero housework, I constantly clean up after him and I am very tidy and house proud.
Partner does not mention the hoover all evening. I take our child to bed, walk back down to the kitchen and see the look on his face. Strangely when he goes on a rant it's honestly like he's a different person (not that he's ever particularly nice), his voice and expressions change.
He asks why I've left the hoover out. I apologise and explain I was going to finish using it. He tells me I've made us look like lower social class degenerates for leaving out the hoover. I can see he wants to be horrible and he will go on and on, so I say sorry, it's just a hoover and I'll put it away. He continues to ask what is wrong with me and says I'm not right in the head. I tell him it's just a hoover and he says but leaving it out isn't normal and I'm mentally ill. I say 'youre telling me I'm mentally ill because I left out the hoover, really' he replies 'yes you're mentally ill and need help'.
I move the hoover and tell him he won't break me by telling me I'm mentally ill all the time and he replies 'if I wanted to break you I'd just leav you, you'd never cope without me'. I walk off and spend the evening in a separate room. My son unfortunately heard all this upstairs.

6am this morning my child woke. I got up to see him, I disturbed partner getting up. He starts getting angry telling me that I fucking woke him. As I reached our bedroom door he says "you always destroy me. Will you stop screaming and shouting". I wasn't even talking. I reply calmly saying I'm not shouting and he says, yes you are. Stop screaming and shouting. I get into bed with our son but don't sleep as I'm so stressed. Partner then tried talking to me as normal. I find it all really odd.

He sounds very abusive. He is trying to make your life a misery. And he doesn't do any housework? Misogynistic pig.

Honestly, you will be better off without him. I know that's easier said than done, but definitely something you should seriously consider.

Put plans in place to leave him now.

Do you work long hours or do you work part time? I hope you get out soon. Do you have anyone you can stay with while you save up more money?

only one who has mental health issues is him. When he next starts could you get him committed because if he is going off about a hoover or a stool the something is broken in his brain and I wouldn’t feel safe being around him.

Please leave before your children think this is a normal way to behave and sobering breaks in their mind.

Can you change phones. Get a payg one to make calls to the police and solicitors and WA and get yourself away from him

HRTFT but do you mean the Freedom Programme? Also, get yourself a copy of "The Dominator" https://amzn.to/49QCI7K

Hey there cunty chops. Leave op alone or the full force of mn will upload that hoover up your nether regions. Seriously op next outburst you ring 999. He isn't mentally well. You need him locked up.

Op, this is really really bad.

Please consider yours and your childs safety.

You need to get away from him. I'd be completely terrified living with someone like that.

You are not mentally ill. It sounds as though he is. Seriously, my partner has Bipolar Disorder and this behaviour sounds exactly the way he used to act before we sought medical help and got his meds sorted. It nearly broke us. My advice - get him to see his GP and If he won’t, leave because if it is BD it will get progressively worse until he seeks proper treatment. So sorry you’re going through this.

@ThankGoditsChristmas

If you were my daughter, I would be taking you and your child away from him. I’m so angry, reading what you’ve written that I have to remind myself that I’m over 24 hours and at least one plane change away from the UK (which is probably for the best!).

This man is manipulating you, he’s psychologically, mentally and emotionally abusing you, he’s gaslighting you, and he’s making you scared of yourself. He’s also been unfaithful.

You say that he’s an older man.

Have you ever wondered why he went for someone so much younger?

Exactly because he can be abusive and he thinks he can destroy your self worth, self confidence and self esteem, and in doing so, make it so that you don’t have the confidence to leave him.

Keep a diary of these things, even if it’s just on the phone.

Change the PIN code on the phone every morning and every evening.

Change the passwords on your email, online banking, everything!

Start getting everything you might need, such as birth certificates, marriage certificates, etc., together.

Try to get copies of his financials.

Start slowly taking clothes out of the house and leave them with a family member or friend.

Tell people what he’s doing, such as the teacher at school or your manager at work. People will want to help you.

Start recording him either on your phone, or buy a nanny cam.

Get legal advice. Do that before you leave.

Get out of there and get to somewhere safe! And tell him to stick his rent money where the sun doesn’t shine.

Now you know why his first marriage failed and it wasn’t because he was such a nice caring and respectful person!

You really need to get away from this man OP, before his gaslighting starts to work and you start to believe it’s you that is the problem. From what you’re saying here- it is absolutely NOT you that is the problem, it’s him.

My first ever proper boyfriend (I was 16, he was 19) was a champion gaslighter and used to tell me I was mad. I began to believe him. I managed to get out eventually but even 30 years later, I still sometimes look back and think I was the one in the wrong (but in my calm, logical moments, I KNOW it wasn’t my fault- he was abusive, no doubt about it).

Chuck him out. He's abusive.

He's a controlling gaslighting wanker. The very worst of men.
The only place for them is divorced.
He's also a bully, pathetic and not a man and he knows it.
Proper men don't behave like this.

@ThankGoditsChristmas why did you even say sorry you had left it out?
Why didn’t you say you hadn’t finished hovering yet?

You need to leave him - he’s 100% controlling you and emotionally abusing you.

Wherever he lives he’ll have to pay rent or pay for a house.
For your sake and especially for your child’s, either kick him out or leave him.

This is no way to live.

He sounds unhinged and very dangerous. Can you get a secret burner phone? You really need an exit plan in place before he does worse or starts on your children.

How did you meet and how long ago? How much more cash do you need to save until you can leave or can you change the locks while he’s out??

Coercive control and emotional abuse are illegal now so also consider reporting him to the police at the same time - extra protection for which of the two routes you take. Do it soon.

Stop being so cavalier about this OP. Your son deserves better. Leave as a priority. You really can’t wait until you have all the finances perfectly in order. You could literally be dead by then & your son is being damaged more and more every single day.

A few questions:

• By partner, I presume you're not married?
• He comments that he pays the rent, so you don't own a property together?
• Is this a new change in behaviour that could be brought on by a medical condition?

If the answer to all 3 of these is "no", leave, as soon as you possibly can. Your mental health and the future wellbeing of your child will be so much better without him.

Wtf is wrong with him!

Why didn't you leave when he cheated on you?

Get another phone, asap!

Please leave him. He is a bully. This a terrible example for your child to be witnessing. Would you like them to copy that in their life? Give them an example of what a grown up does when mistreated. They take control away from a bully and leave them, do not give them attention . Do not persist in being a victim, no law is forcing to be with him. You are a law onto you and you must leave him. For you and your child, for your self esteem, for the future, which can be bright, if you let it.

OP. You are worthy of a partner who adores and respects you. How dare he degrade you and call you mentally ill! Your son will hate to see his mother spoken to this way. I couldn’t stand it myself.

edit:sp

Every single thing you mentioned would be enough for me to leave DH over. None of this is ok or even remotely normal. He will wear you down until there is nothing left and you need to leave him for your own sake and that of your child.

I think the fact that you refer to it as merely odd shows how he has screwed with you.

I say 'youre telling me I'm mentally ill because I left out the hoover, really' he replies 'yes you're mentally ill and need help'.
I move the hoover and tell him he won't break me by telling me I'm mentally ill all the time and he replies 'if I wanted to break you I'd just leave you, you'd never cope without me'.

I mean bloody hell-what even is that exchange??!!