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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable for a partners family to have no relationship with DC from previous relationship

166 replies

spok111 · 22/11/2023 16:13

Would you be okay with your partners or spouses family having no relationship with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite / friendly when happen to be face to face.

I.e. not getting a birthday card for them, only asking if they had a good one when they see them next which could be weeks after, being fantastic and really involved with joint DC but having no real relationship at all with stepchildren, arranging days out with joint DC but never suggesting SC go etc..

Basically would you accept in your relationship or marriage, your partners family having nothing to do with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite when face to face.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2023 16:15

What matters is how your partner treats your children. You can't control his family members. So long as they are polite and kind when in each other's company, you can't force a relationship upon anyone.

CheatingCheetos · 22/11/2023 16:23

They’re polite and kind when they do interact, and that’s sufficient. I don’t think they’re unreasonable to be honest.

OhmygodDont · 22/11/2023 16:24

I mean your partner decided to accept a new child into their life, their family did not as long as they are not rude I see no issue.

Now say they would actually see them on Christmas Day or such then a small gift should be given. Because the child shouldn’t visibly be left out like that in that situation.

But yeah if you separate they will never see this child again and it can be quite sensible to not form a overly strong bond.

NotLactoseFree · 22/11/2023 16:29

There are too many variables to answer this based on the info you've provided. Overall, if that was me, I would expect my family or DH's family to be more than kind and polite to the children involved but I probably wouldn't expect 100% the same level of attention. The exact levels I'd expect would depend on things like where the child lives routinely, the involvement of the other side of their family, their ages etc.

eg if the worst were to happen and DH and I split up or he died and I got involved with someone else. My children are old enough and have a strong, day-to-day relationship with DH's family so I would not expect my new in laws to do more than be friendly and polite. However, if I had a new partner with a relatively young child who was living with us say 80% of the time, I would expect more from my family as this child would be there and would see the attention my kids get and would understandably be unhappy if they didn't also get some of that.

Mylovelygreendress · 22/11/2023 16:33

My DM had no relationship with my DSDs apart from polite chat on the odd occasion their paths crossed .
No one minded . DSDs had 2 sets of grandparents and didn’t need a third .

Loverofoxbowlakes · 22/11/2023 16:40

My mil sends Xmas and birthday cards with token gifts to my dc, bil and SIL only send Xmas cards and token gifts. I'm OK with that!

Rjahdhdvd · 22/11/2023 16:40

I’m a step parent and I had to ask my mum to step up a bit; she doesn’t have to “love” her like her own but birthday and Christmas presents aren’t an unreasonable suggestion. It does somewhat depend how often a child sees the “step” grandparent as if it’s rare then a relationship isn’t going to develop

Concannon88 · 22/11/2023 16:45

Not enough details to comment. How old are your children? How long have you been with partner? Do they live locally? Do they have any other grandchildren? Tbf lots of grandparents act this way with grandchildren not just step. You cant control other people, you chose and keep choosing to be with partner, not them.

Notimeforaname · 22/11/2023 16:48

You have no choice but to accept it.

You cant force people to do what you prefer.

Your only other option is to break up with your partner if you dont want to see it.

savoycabbage · 22/11/2023 16:49

Yes, it depends on so many things. Do they have other grandparents, how does the partner treat the child etc. I don't think it's black and white. If they were taking one to Disney land and not the other I wouldn't be happy but I think it's fine for grandparents to want to spend time on their own grandchildren.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/11/2023 16:55

Basically would you accept in your relationship or marriage, your partners family having nothing to do with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite when face to face.

What's the alternative to accepting it? You won’t change them so there isn’t one.

Birdcar · 22/11/2023 16:58

What does not accepting it involve?

Baffledandalarmed · 22/11/2023 17:00

Basically would you accept in your relationship or marriage, your partners family having nothing to do with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite when face to face.

Yes. Because I would have chosen to involve myself with a man who had children. My parents didn't make that decision and so I wouldn't force them to have emotional attachment to children that were in no way anything to do with them. They would be nice to them when they saw them, but they're not going to treat them like 'grandchildren,' because they are not. They're not going to invite them on days out with their grandchildren, because step-kids are not their grandchildren.

Being a step-parent is VERY different to being the parent of a step-parent.

And if my partner tried to tell me or my parents that they had to be more involved in these kids, I'd show them the door because my parents wouldn't have made any commitment to these children and it's unreasonable to put expectations on people like that.

Notimeforaname · 22/11/2023 17:09

Yes. Because I would have chosen to involve myself with a man who had children. My parents didn't make that decision and so I wouldn't force them to have emotional attachment to children that were in no way anything to do with them.
This sums it up perfectly.

Womencanlift · 22/11/2023 17:11

I was/am a step child and had no relationship with my step mums family outside of a polite hello.

Even when my half siblings came along (so that was their mums family) nothing changed for me. Now only my step mums brother is still alive and I will sometimes see him at Christmas if all at my dads at the same time

Never had any impact on me. I had my mums family and my dads family, to be honest I didn’t need or want a third

Floofydawg · 22/11/2023 17:18

Yep, that's exactly how it is in our household and I'm fine with it.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 22/11/2023 17:23

considering they have a full set of other grandparents why is anything beyond polite and considerate necessary?

feralunderclass · 22/11/2023 17:24

It really depends on the age of the dc. If they are teens or adult, yeah fine. But if they are fairly close in age to your 'new' dc then I think it is very mean, especially the days out.
I'm a step child on both sides. My DM and her family made no difference with the sc in terms of presents, including them in activities etc. Not because they necessarily wanted to, but out of the fact that they are my DMs step children. I've never met any of my step dads family, and it feels very odd for some reason.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 22/11/2023 17:27

Yes and no. I would accept it, but then I wouldn't put my DC in a position of not being treated like family.

And being treated like family doesn't mean exactly the same value of presents but something thoughtful, etc. so I wouldn't join them for a "family" Christmas because they didn't treat my DD like "family".

I might go to a bbq that had wider family and friends (but probably wouldn't prioritise it).

NorthernSpirit · 22/11/2023 17:29

My DM has no relationship with my DSDs.

My SC aren’t bothered - they have 2 sets of grandparents and didn’t need a 3rd / 4th set through SP’s.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 22/11/2023 17:34

This is much more complex than it seems. Some 'step grandparents' can behave in a suffocating way, feeling entitled to visits and this can last a lifetime, believe me. However well intentioned, this can cause big problems in the family and a huge amount of unnecessary pressure for dc. If your dc has grandparents then look at how your partner treats them, that's where it can stop. It's a lot easier in the long run tbh. Lovely if it is a nice, genuine relationship but it isn't always.

Bigbirthdaycomingup · 22/11/2023 17:36

Way too much information missing to have an opinion. My family were very nice to my SKs, not that it was ever acknowledged or appreciated by anyone. Their DM tried to take advantage of them like she does everyone else.

My DH's family don't even bother with our shared DC so I can't see why they would be interested in SKs.

Nottodaty · 22/11/2023 18:01

My Dad remarried, his wife and her parents have embraced mine and my sisters children - they don’t get as much as the other Grandchildren (definitely not expected) but are felt as part of the family - BUT they have been around since before they where born so have been in their life always. I don’t get birthday cards but I was 25 when my Dad remarried so I lm good with that :) My girls see them as bonus (great) Grandparents & call them Granny & Grandad.

My Nan treated all the ‘step’ grandchildren equal - she was amazing remembering birthdays. Even at her funeral all Grandchildren (step or not) equally involved and all felt a loss of a grandparent.

Though I do think it depends on ages of the children involved. In some cases they may be to old and often already have 2 sets of Grandparents that they are close to.

Original poster
spok111 · 22/11/2023 18:07

Thanks!

The children aren't mine, I'm the spouse with a family who's not involved with SKs. I don't think it's a problem, DH struggles with it.

Kids were 5 and 7 when we met 5 years ago. We have a 3 year old together who my family is very close to and dotes on. I have a sister who has children of her own too who family also dotes on.

I think DH feels something about it because his parents are unfortunately deceased so no grandparents on his side. They are close to mums family though.

OP posts:
Original poster
spok111 · 22/11/2023 18:09

If they were taking one to Disney land and not the other I wouldn't be happy

It's funny you should say that as my parents are doing exactly this with our DC and filters DC next year. SC aren't going as they have no relationship really with my parents so would never occur to anyone that they'd go too.

OP posts: