Is it unreasonable for a partners family to have no relationship with DC from previous relationship

[spok111]

Would you be okay with your partners or spouses family having no relationship with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite / friendly when happen to be face to face.

I.e. not getting a birthday card for them, only asking if they had a good one when they see them next which could be weeks after, being fantastic and really involved with joint DC but having no real relationship at all with stepchildren, arranging days out with joint DC but never suggesting SC go etc..

Basically would you accept in your relationship or marriage, your partners family having nothing to do with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite when face to face.

Sorry - but no way would I have my DSC treated like that - unless, as I said, they were getting the same trip/ treat with their other parent. I would put the family dynamics of my immediate family, that is, our kids, before what my parents wanted to do with their DGC. My mum’s friend treated her son’s stepchild exactly the same as his own children.

Someone who isn’t their grandparent isn’t treating them like grandchildren. It’s not exactly an unusual dynamic.

You’re free to do what you like with your own family, just as everyone else, OP included, are free to do what they like with theirs.

I too have seen the very long term damage done in this type of situation (not me personally but someone close to me, now an adult). In blended families, when some children have more (attention, love, opportunities, resources Inc financial), the experience is very likely to be toxic and damaging for those who have less. Just because the children don't come across as caring doesn't mean it's not having an impact on self-worth/emotional well-being.
The parents of the children have a responsibility to balance things and ensure equity IMO.

That is true, EmmaHeather, the parents have the responsibility. It was their choice to create a blended family up to them to make sure that all parents of the children involved are on an equal footing. Their responsibility, nobody else's.

When the responsibility part has been properly taken care of then grandparents and wider family don't need to feel manoeuvred into a role that they don't want. It's the children who suffer when people without parental responsibility are strong-armed into it.

As I said, there are no step-children in my family but there are in my husband's and I can see the sour feelings erupt from one side. We treat them the same and are scrupulous about it but, it isn't and everybody is aware of it.

I don't think family blending is all it's cracked up to be.

I am also appalled at the grandparents’ cruel behaviour. It was the responsibility of the parents (but mostly OP as it is her parents) to develop the relationship between her SC and the grandparents. That is where I think the problem lies. Two days a week and every other Christmas is more than enough time to ensure the grandparents and SC spend time together to develop a relationship. Their exclusion from the larger family over the past five years has definately been noticed by them and is being explicitly stated by the father. It is a shame that five years has gone by but relationship-building can start now.

As to the Disney trip, the SC have now been put in a no-win situation. Of course the siblings should go to Disney together, but if you pull the youngest child it will seem like punishing her. Even though it is during school, I think DH and the SC should go so the family can be together. This is another opportunity for the grandparents and SC to build memories and a relationship together.

I hope OP integrates their SC into their extended family going forward - I’ve never heard it said that children can have too many people that love them

FriendlyGiant, how does that work with the other side of the family, husband's ex-wife, her siblings/parents (and his, if he has them) and so on? Will they make the same provision for OP's children that he is expecting OP's parents to make?

It's messy and there's huge potential for disparity.

Is that not up to their mum? Hes not with her anymore so he cabt really have a say on how her and her family run things.

Her partners not happy with it though is he?

That's lovely

Nope I wouldn't. My dsis had a child at 20, dad didn't want to know and has never met child. She met her now husband (tiger her 15 years) about a year after and he took child on as his own as did his parents, siblings, grandparents etc. they all dote on him. My dsis has 2 more children and they're all treated exactly the same. My heart would break if I thought he was being treated differently.

I think how much or if at all this affects you as a child must differ from person to person.

I'm a stepchild, I have never had much involvement at all with his parents. Never even met his dad and he's been married to my mum for 12 years. I've met his mum but she's not my grandma, I have those already.

It has never ever occurred to me that I should be hurt or damaged by the fact some woman I barely know and who isn't my grandma, doesn't treat me like her granddaughter.

I love my stepdad to pieces, he's not my dad, I have a great one of those already, but he's a valued and brilliant family member of mine who has always treated me well. Tbh the relationship with him is the only one I'm arsed about.

I must say I don't really get why someone would be damaged that their step parents family didn't treat them like a grandchild. Especially if they already have grandparents anyway. I don't see what it is they think they should be receiving from these people who aren't actually related to them or what they think they have lost by not doing so.

And the argument always falls apart for me when people go on about siblings needing to experience the same things I.e. the disney trip here. The stepchildren aren't necessarily received "less than" the shared DC because their grandparents are taking them somewhere, in the same way no one would suggest the shared DC are being treated "less than" if the DSC were taken somewhere by their maternal grandparents.

They are siblings yes, but they happen to have different families so will sometimes receive different opportunities, and that goes both ways, DSC will receive things from their mums side that shared DC will not. It's just life in a blended family surely?

I don't get why people always try and mash a blended family into a seamless nuclear mould. It seems a bit daft to me.

My Granny and extended family treated my cousins and step cousins. They were a couple of years older than me and I never realised they weren't my biological cousins. I do remember that my aunty and uncle did make so much more fuss of 'their' child.

Surely there is a bit of nuance involved though. Your sisters child had no father, her new partner has essentially become that child's father in a way a lot of step parents who's DSC have another involved parent, do not. I'm also assuming her child lived with them 100% of the time too.

Obviously this will depend on the actual situation, but in this one where DSC don't actually live with this parent and only stay 2 days a week, it's obviously going to be less noticeable that step parents family they never really see treats them differently than it would be to a child who lives there 100% of the time and has no other side of the family.

my PILs ask how my kids are doing, but don't have much more of a relationship with them.
I'm not bothered by it to be honest, I didn't expect much at the beginning of mine and DP's relationship, and as my kids have 2 sets of grandparents already and didn't really need a 3rd set.

My sister married a man who had 2 children from a previous marriage. He has joint custody so the kids live with them 50% of the time. They have one dc together. My parents live abroad but always treat all children the same when they see them in terms of gifts, treats etc. They are children and do not need to feel left out when among family. When my sis travelled abroad to see my parents, her step children were not allowed to go as their mother did not want them to travel so far without her, the kids are aged 14 and 10. So only my sisters child went. My parents still bought lots of gifts for the other two children and sent it for them. Always treat children with love, and if your parents can’t afford to take all the kids to Disney then you and your partner should save and take the other two kids too. Playing favourites within a family is not nice.

I would say the reason why this affected me as a child was that I’d already been through the experience of my father leaving to live with another family, I’d seen him raise two children who weren’t me or my sibling, instead of us. His family welcomed them with open arms and we shared our grandparents and aunts and uncles with our new step-siblings. My step mothers family completely ignored us, other than being polite when our paths crossed. I already felt rejected and I already felt excluded, this furthered it. I never acted visibly upset about it, it just further compounded the belief that I wasn’t worth knowing, I wasn’t worth staying for and I wasn’t worth enough.

As an adult I absolutely know those things aren’t true, but I wasn’t an adult when it happened.

I genuinely cannot fathom a situation where my child married into a family and took on a step child and I didn’t engage with them- it completely baffles me that anyone would behave that way.

I think it makes a difference if the child already has Grandparents living or they don't because they are dead. I know my MiL told me once when my DC were teens by this time, so about 5 or 6 years after she had been their Grandma, she was happy to be Grandma to my 2 DS's because my DC didn't have any Grandparents living so she knew she was not stepping on a biological Grandparents toes. I couldn't have wished for better Grandparents than my in-laws if I'd hand picked them.

if your parents can’t afford to take all the kids to Disney then you and your partner should save and take the other two kids too

Even if they can afford it, Disney is not a small amount of money. Who on earth would be entitled enough to expect OPs parents, who barely know DSC, to pay for them to go.. Really?!

As for OP and her DH then having to save to take DSC. Would this be the case if it were reversed? If DSCs maternal grandparents took them to disney or anywhere else, should OP and her husband immediately start saving to make sure their joint child can also go?

The children have different grandparents. They are going to occasionally receive different things and go to different places. I really don't understand the big issue.

This is not a case of DSC living their 100% of the time, having no other grandparents and a mother who's not interested. They live with their mum, have grandparents of their own who probably do things with them and have an involved mother. It's not comparable to a lot of posters examples on here of their own situations.

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years - my daughters dad died when she was 5 so my partner is her SD and all of His family are absolutely brilliant with her, every birthday and Xmas she gets a gift, and even though my daughter is now 16 she is always invited out on days out & holidays. Similarly I have a step daughter who is 11 and she comes to us every 2nd weekend and my mum and brother ALWAYS get her gifts for birthdays and Xmas, & even Easter, even if they do not see her at these times. A gift is always dropped off for her when she next comes for the weekend. Tbh I would REALLY struggle with a family like yours treating step children different and I completely understand your DP feelings on this. They are not just your partners children, they are YOUR SC and are the siblings of their grandchild and I do think it’s a little selfish if I am honest!! Fine, not taking them on the Disneytrip I can understand but not making them feel included or part of the family is harsh and if my family did that with my step daughter I would be very annoyed. Sorry, but I’m with your DH on this one and I’d have to have a word with parents as I feel like you are facilitating this as you don’t see it as a problem yourself!! It absolutely will be as the children get older so I’d nip it in the bud now so your step kids do not feel left out as the children get older.

I'm really lucky. I have a DD from my previous relationship and my DH's family treat her like their own. She gets presents for her birthday and Christmas and my DH's parents even brought her a present back from holiday. I always massively appreciate that they include her. It means a lot to me.

I have had lots of children in this house over the years that are no relation of ours and I am a lot more than polite to them.

I am very warm and welcoming because of their relationship with my children.
It has always been important to me that those my children care about felt very welcome and comfortable in our home.

I think the relationship of your SC to your child should encourage your parents to be warm, welcoming, and interested in them, whenever they see them.

I would think that is just basic kindness.

The holiday is different as its an out of term treat and I think it is ok as your parents are paying.

However, I would be encouraging your husband to make your absence very special and arrange a lovely treat for his children during this time, emphasising the one on one time they will have together.

This will likely happen again, so you need to be firm with your husband that HE needs to do something very nice for his children so that they feel this is a win for them when time like this pops up.

I wouldn't be happy. Especially if there are other children to be compared against.

I've been with my partner 6 months ish. His parents have fully taken DS into their family, they see him loads, spend time with him, buy him toys, they have said that they want him to be just like any other grandkid. It's important to me that my son is not "extra" or "outside" family. He is equal to all his family.

I think it's wrong. And even if you don't. Your partner is upset about it, surely you care about that?

People go into another dimension when it involves Disney and DSC. It sends people frothing into orbit

My DPs family immediately accepted my 3 children and we have been on holidays etc as a family. My future MIL loves the fact she has 3 more grandchildren to spoil and they adore her. We've been to many family gatherings and they are treated exactly the same too. I'm very grateful to all of his family but they are a big family and it suppose it comes naturally given their nature's?

For content my DP has a biological older child who he doesn't see ( one night stand, never together with birth mum, but the not seeing is not his choice) and a previous step child (who again is now an adult ) who cut all ties with him when he split from his mother which obviously broke the whole families hearts as my DP raised him from age 6.

My children do not have any contact with their biological dad due to court orders ( domestic violence etc) so I am so grateful they do have a loving "other family" that's not just from my side.

However saying the above, if they were just token polite etc to my children then I wouldn't begrudge them that. I would understand their previous pain at losing a step child already and live with it. My DP is the best dad to them and I wouldn't find it a deal breaker at all.