Is it unreasonable for a partners family to have no relationship with DC from previous relationship

[spok111]

Would you be okay with your partners or spouses family having no relationship with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite / friendly when happen to be face to face.

I.e. not getting a birthday card for them, only asking if they had a good one when they see them next which could be weeks after, being fantastic and really involved with joint DC but having no real relationship at all with stepchildren, arranging days out with joint DC but never suggesting SC go etc..

Basically would you accept in your relationship or marriage, your partners family having nothing to do with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite when face to face.

If not the communication with the kids could be clear from the get go... "Tom and Sue are little brother's grandparents, just like you have Nana and Grandpa Mum's-side. So brother gets presents and goes on hols with them the same way you do". No fuss, no drama.

This should be the default without a conversation, surely. This is just common sense.

Well, you only get the relationship that you facilitate. If your family never see them, how could they have a relationship? If your DH wanted them to be part of your wider family then he needed to have prioritised incorporating them into that family more.

They've no obligation at all me personally tho I'd of sent a birthday card.

Maybe it's a generational thing, my parents are disappointed that I don't have a relationship with any of my extended family but as you said, they did pretty much nothing to facilitate it. It's like they thought it would just happen.

This isn't even a blended family issue, it's a you can't make something out of nothing issue.

I think it can be hard to visualise from out the outside, but the reality is that many SCs have little to no interaction at all with their step-parents family due to logistics.

My DP has SCs every other weekend and time in the holidays, and that limited time is used to see their own family, not my parents. They also live far away so not practical to pop in often although they have met a couple of times.

It's not a case of cutting them out or not caring about them, but purely that time with SCs is spent doing what they enjoy and seeing their family - not purposely taking time away from that so they can bond with my family.

If my family were to see them on Christmas Day then they would definitely get them a little gift to open, but tbh they never would see them on Christmas Day as if we do have the children on Christmas Day then obviously we'd spend it with their own grandparents and cousins etc.

Yeah but I imagine it's very different in a situation where the SC is a resident child so there would be plenty of opportunity to see the SP's family.

If my SC's lived with us rather than came every other weekend then of course they'd likely see my family more and know them better. When you've got very limited time, bonding SCs with the SP's family is not usually a priority.

@Ponoka7

what ?

I didn't mention Christmas Day??

Your DH can’t demand that of your family any more than he can demand you consider your stepchildren to be your children (or conversely, demand that his children consider you to be their mother). It isn’t the fault of your parents that your stepchildren don’t have paternal grandparents, and nor is it their responsibility to compensate for that.

I would absolutely stand your ground. Don’t deny your child opportunities, because that can easily backfire too. There was a thread recently where the OP’s younger children were angry and resentful over being denied a relationship with their father’s family because they didn’t take on her child as a grandchild.

Blended families are different to nuclear ones, and the children of them aren’t going to share every family members. They’re not always going to have the same opportunities and/or experiences with the same people.

I mean it's a bit sad and a shame but as long as they are respectful to your children and not causing them harm you would just have to accept it. Your partner took them on, not his family

It’s a privilege and a joy to have a relationship with a child
Well you might think that way, but i dont think everyone would agree .The prospect of building a relationship with a random non-related child would not bring me any joy.

I think the description I saw recently of queen camilla's relationship with the Wales children is the right default position for all these complicated relationships. she is not their step grandmother but she is a kind funny grown up that they see, particularly at family events.

I think the fact that DHs parents are dead matters quite a lot. It sounds like your DH doesn't feel like family to them and he and his children have been rejected. It's a shame that no one made an effort over 5 years for the grandparents to get to know two small kids. 2 days a week contact isn't insignificant and a more than most. So I can see why to him it seems a purposeful and hurtful division. I'm a stepmum and my parents have always given to DSC on birthdays and Christmas despite not even living in the same country. It's an act of unity as a family. It hasn't gone that way for your DH. It's just a shame really but it doesn't sound like after 5 years anyone is open to his feelings including you.

Then you should be paying for your DSC to go too. I wouldn’t allow this unless DSC have been or are going with their mum. So cruel for some DC to go and not others.

My step mum is my DCs granny - that’s how we view it. She organised their Christmas and birthday gifts usually, not my Dad.

The fuck? 😂

they don’t all have the same family common, and as such their experiences and opportunities will be different. It isn’t up to OP to pay out for her stepchildren to go on a trip they haven’t even been invited on. Her parents want to take their children and grandchildren on a special trip, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There aren't any step children in our family but it's an interesting question to ponder.

We all have so many different places that we're coming from and our experiences - and posts - are heavily coloured by that. Thinking about it, if the step children have parents, grandparents and wider family whom they are involved with then they perhaps wouldn't 'miss' a relationship with their step-family?

I suppose much depends on the age and the make-up of the families but unless there's some sort of problem, people don't pay this much heed. I would treat any child with kindness and I wouldn't hold them in different regard for cards, presents, and perhaps days out (if the relationship is there) but, when it comes to inheritance, what then?

That's the big question and it would really not be appropriate to treat children and step-children the same. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't leave them something but no, they're not the same exactly. I would get around this by leaving to my children only - and they can do the same with their own children and step children. It's their party after all.

Yeah that’s pretty much how it is with us, but they do have much to do with our children who are their grandchildren either tbh.

I think a small gift for the birthdays shouldn’t be too much for them to do though.

YANBU.

I can’t remember ever meeting my stepmother’s family but it may have happened. I certainly didn’t want a relationship with them. They didn’t mean anything to me.

I wouldn’t be ok with this. We have 1 DS together and DSD. My parents treat her as close as possible the same as DS. They put money in both their savings accounts each month (granted not the same amount but still significant). They bring them both gifts back from their travels. They spend similar on them at birthdays and Xmas. Granted we don’t have DSD full time and my parents do a lot of child care for us while we work. So I do think they take DS on more trips etc and he does get more ad hoc gifts and treats but that’s a time spent with thing not a treating differently thing.

They bought gifts etc for DSD before there was a DS.

I couldn’t imagine it being a different way. DSD is my DS sister and so is important to him. We would always want to include her and would never exclude at all if we could help it. Granted I guess this means she gets extra things financially / treats etc which I guess some people may see as being more fortunate than DS (because her mums family is lovely and generous too) but she is growing up not seeing both of her parents every day so in my view DS is still more fortunate.

However, if your parents / family haven’t made an effort to date. It will probably never happen. The ship has likely sailed. So it is something to live with.

It wouldn’t be random and unrelated though? It’d be part of your son or daughter’s family.

To each their own. I’ve fond memories of my grandma, who was a step-, and my kids adore their step-granny & she them.

N

I think if sc live with the family and only spend a couple of nights a week or every other week I wouldn't expect my parents to become involved with them but if they were a pretty much constant presence I hope they would. Your dh is being unreasonable and making an issue when there is none.

I actually think this is incredibly cruel of your parents/family to not even get a birthday card for SC. I foster my niece, if my DH family excluded her, that would be a deal-breaker for me. Your SC probably don't 'seem upset' by it because it is normal to them to be treated so poorly by your family. Your DH is absolutely in the right and if I were you I would be speaking to my family to ensure they made more of an effort in the future. You can't undo the past or change the plans for Disney but you can definitely make it clear to your family that it is upsetting DH and in the future it is expected that they are to build a relationship with SC so they can be included.

I’ve been the step child in this scenario, from the age of six, and despite it being over 30 years later I am still angry at my step mother’s parents for ignoring me and her for not challenging it.