Is it unreasonable for a partners family to have no relationship with DC from previous relationship

[spok111]

Would you be okay with your partners or spouses family having no relationship with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite / friendly when happen to be face to face.

I.e. not getting a birthday card for them, only asking if they had a good one when they see them next which could be weeks after, being fantastic and really involved with joint DC but having no real relationship at all with stepchildren, arranging days out with joint DC but never suggesting SC go etc..

Basically would you accept in your relationship or marriage, your partners family having nothing to do with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite when face to face.

This is how it is with my family. I had children before I married my husband, so did he. We then had one together.
our daughter is treated differently by all of my husband family, they have little to do with my children from my first marriage.
but on the flip side, my sisters don’t have a relationship with his children from his previous marriage either.
we, as a couple, and blended family are all the children need. They are all treated equally by us both and I suppose that is all that matters.

My aunty was pregnant with another person's child when she got together with her late husband. They were both teenagers. They got married when the baby was about 6 months old and had another child the year later. My cousin, who had absolutely no contact with their father or his family, never knew that she wasn't my uncle's child until she was 18 (though it was common family knowledge) but my uncle's parents etc always treated them differently eg buying elaborate presents for her sibling and a selection box for them. They would also take the sibling on outings etc. My uncle always treated them the same as his biological child and was a wonderful gf and ggf to their children and grandchildren. I think my uncle's family were totally in the wrong.

My sister always got on perfectly well with her husband's children as far as I know (those children are grandparents themselves now). I've met them once or twice, it was friendly, but that's spread out over decades and I barely remember their names. I wouldn't recognise them, nor they me.

I think you just have to take it as it comes. Some of my family get my SD gifts and cards for her birthday/Christmas, and then others don’t. But I don’t begrudge the ones that don’t. And I am super grateful for the ones that do. My dad has a special place for my daughter as she is the “only girl” as I have a son and my sister has 2 sons. Although in my eyes I have 2 girls including my SD but my dad doesn’t see it that way. I don’t feel negatively towards it though, he just never expresses it around my SD and is lovely and pleasant when he is here and she’s around. He will also buy her gifts for birthday/Christmas but considers my daughter his only “granddaughter” I think it’s up to them as long as they’re not unpleasant towards your stepchild.

But it's relevant. If the SC were treated as GC, then occasionally they'd be expected for Christmas day along with the other GC. The opportunities for the wider family to see them are limited. If they were seen differently then you've got another set of people wanting contact, holidays and school events. How it stands might suit the Mother and the children.

I don’t understand how you had gained two stepchildren and your parents and wider family didn’t immediately start buying them birthday/Christmas gifts? How does that happen? Especially when they were only 5 and 7? Regardless if you only see them 2 days a week and they see them once every couple of months, that’s still a lot more than a lot of children may see family.
You also keep saying that the children ‘don’t seem bothered’. Have you ever asked? Maybe your DH is annoyed by it, because they have shared with him that they are bothered about being excluded by your parents. Not from Disney necessarily, but from other celebrations you guys have.
Tbh it’s probably too late to fix now that you’re 5 years down the line, because the kids are probably already used to that feeling of being left out by your side, so not much you can do about it. I’m with your DH though.

Ah you’ve posted about this before haven’t you….

I think it’s strange tbh, if I was your parents I literally couldn’t treat them differently to my own grandchild (maybe I’m too soft?), especially knowing your husband no longer has any parents!
No way could I not even get them a card or token gift for their birthdays. And I find it odd your husband never ever spends Christmas Day with his children (unless I’m jumping the gun here and his ex is difficult and if so I hope he’s seeking legal help/taking it to court)??
They’ll grow up and remember every little thing like never spending Christmases together, not feeling involved in the family and probably all these little things as a whole resent you all in some way/shape/form.
Needs to be more effort put in all round.

You’re free to do what you like with your own family, just as everyone else, OP included, are free to do what they like with theirs

wellll her DH apparently isnt happy with it (presumably because he’s thinking of his children). Is he part of the family and does his opinion count or is it just OP who is “free” to do exactly as she pleases regardless of the feelings of others?

Oh gosh when they are so young too. I have been that excluded stepchild, I think it’s awful. They should 100% be buying them a Christmas and birthday present unless they can’t afford it, then shouldn’t be buying for your child either. When you engage in this type of relationship the kids are part of the package so should become part of the family for all. If it were me I’d be livid with my parents

When I read these threads I always wonder why the expectation is on the grandparents/extended step family rather than the two people who have actually chosen to blend their family to make the big effort. Surely if you want your parents to see you all as one family then you spend time and effort to make that happen? You lead on it. YOU invest time facilitating the relationships between the children and your extended family. Otherwise you are essentially saying ‘I have some children in my life my parents don’t really see. AIBU to think they should take them to Disneyland?’

No I would never accept it. My DSD was two when I met my DH and she is 100% my parents grandchild and my siblings niece. Same on her Mums side, her stepdads family include her completely. Treating children of the same family differently is just building resentment for the future and anyone who wanted to do so would not be allowed contact with my step or bio kids. My DH and his sister experienced this growing up and it’s damaged their relationships and sense of worth well into adulthood.

I think the circumstances matter. My sister got together with someone who had kids and she lives in a different country so my parents only met the children once, years after they’d been together. They never bought presents for the children at birthdays and Christmases as they didn’t know each other. Also the children never had any comparison to how they were treated differently to their biological grandchild. My sister has now split up with the man and so they won’t meet the children again.

I do feel for children who are in situations where they feel one sibling is getting better treatment because of who they’re biologically related to if they don’t have anything equivalent on their side.

My parents don’t buy things for my step children in the same way they do for my children because quite simply; they don’t have much interaction with my step kids. My step kids have 2 sets of grandparents as do my children. It’s unreasonable to expect other people to go above and beyond for children that have no emotional bond with them. Being polite and kind is absolutely an acceptable way to be. They don’t need to be forced to go out of their way for children that AREN’t actually their grandchildren.

He’s welcome to have a problem with it. Him having a problem with it doesn’t automatically mean that OP and her parents are wrong. It also doesn’t make it their responsibility to change in order to suit him. His opinion isn’t of greater importance than theirs.

Very well put. Same here.