Is it unreasonable for a partners family to have no relationship with DC from previous relationship

[spok111]

Would you be okay with your partners or spouses family having no relationship with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite / friendly when happen to be face to face.

I.e. not getting a birthday card for them, only asking if they had a good one when they see them next which could be weeks after, being fantastic and really involved with joint DC but having no real relationship at all with stepchildren, arranging days out with joint DC but never suggesting SC go etc..

Basically would you accept in your relationship or marriage, your partners family having nothing to do with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite when face to face.

I mean your partner decided to accept a new child into their life, their family did not

Why not apply that also to biological or adopted children? After all, the partner chose to have a child or to adopt a child, while their family did not choose this. Would it then be reasonable for grandparents to ignore the grandchild, because they didn't decide to accept the child's appearance in their family?

I think it’s sad.

Brother has two stepsons and I treat them the same as my biological neice - my children consider them cousins and my parents consider them grandchildren!

Love and attention doesn’t have to be rationed and it’s up to the adults to build that relationship - what reasons could possibly be valid to exclude children? The kids didn’t choose this situation.

I think you have to bear in mind how the power dynamics shift. My ILs were as you describe with my DS1. Obviously, as DC 2 and 3 have grown, their allegiance is more towards their brother, it makes it quite uncomfortable when ILs come over as they are not integrated into our whole family and it leads to questions from the DC.

I think for future relations and a time when the older generation will need more consideration from the younger generations, they should treat the SC as children of the family.

The problem could arise that when everyone gets together that your children will feel left out if other biological kids have presents etc and yours dont. If that was a case, i would stop taking my children and just be pleasant back, that's it.

My inlaws have always treated my DD as their granddaughter even after DS came along. I find it very strange that people think it's ok to treat a child in their family like they're a stranger who's wandered in by mistake.

It really depends.

My brother’s ex-wife already two small children when they met and we all just accepted them as our family from the start really. They lived with him and his ex full time and didn’t have much of a relationship with their biological dad. My brother and his ex had more children together too. We continued to see them along with my brother’s biological kids when my brother and his wife separated and it would never occur to me not to call them my niece and nephew. My parents consider them grandchildren.

My sister’s partner also had two kids when she met him. They were in their teens at the time and there was a shared custody arrangement I believe but I have literally never even met them! My parents have met them a couple of times. My sister has a great relationship with them but when my sister met her partner, they were all living 400 miles away and we rarely saw them, and when we did it was always on weekends when the kids weren’t there so that we could stay overnight. When they became adults my sister and her partner moved again and now only see the kids (now late 20s) two or three times a year themselves. My sister and her partner don’t have any kids together.

I think it's relevant here that step DC live primarily with their mum and have a relationship with her parents. They don't spend a lot of time with OP let alone her parents. They have maternal grandparents involved in their lives already who could choose to take time to Disney and not invite OP's child.

If it was a scenario where the step DC are mainly resident with OP and their dad then all the children should ideally be treated the same by everyone especially if they are young. I don't think that is the case here

It is irrelevant to the argument DH's parents are not here as neither set of children therefore have paternal grandparents but both have maternal grandparents. He is asking for the step DC to have more sets of involved grandparents than OP's DD will have.

I don't think it's unreasonable if they are being polite when they see them but there a lot of variables. E.g do they live locally/ you see them.ofren?.How old were they when you got with your partner? My husband's wife had two teens when they got together (no children together).My dad doesn't know when their birthdays and might see them.once a year if he visits my brother or there's a family gathering( we all.live in very different parts of the country) They already have their own extended family🤷‍♂️

There's too many variables. A lot of families live far apart and don't see each other that often. I didn't feel close to my own extended family that I rarely saw so I certainly wouldn't expect much of a bond between unrelated in laws and children in this situation.

The flip side of this is the fact that if there was a split then you'd never see your step relatives again. I can see why some might not want to get too attached.

I would personally find it very sad. I have a step-Gran and she's the only Gran I ever knew. I have step-nieces and treat them the exact same way as my real nieces. I'm 100% team "Your Dh" here.

I'd also lose respect for my parents if they only doted on their "real" grand child and made no effort with their step grand children.

I agree. My parents treated my stepchildren as their grandchildren. Both my stepsons were pallbearers for my parents, that speaks volumes about how close the bond was.

This is so wholesome and how it should be (ideally) 😊

I wouldn’t accept this because I have personal experience with it and it was absolutely awful.

My parents split when I was a baby and mum met someone a couple of years later, then had my brother when I was 6. My brother’s Dad became abusive shortly after he was born towards me, made it clear he detested me and would beat and emotionally abuse me. Fun times.

Worst part was, his family just never accepted me. For Christmas they would wrap up something from around the house like an old diary or cheap bit of jewellery, no thought put in whatsoever and they were not poor. My brother would get some super expensive present. Obviously I noticed this as I grew older and it was hurtful because the only thing I had done wrong was exist. They’d go on holiday without me too when I was a teenager leaving me home alone. You don’t forget that sort of thing.

So long rant over, if I split with DH and met someone else I wouldn’t put up with their family being twats towards my DC.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship like this.

I have been a stepchild for 30 years, and if I don’t tell you, you wouldn’t know.

To my stepdad I have always been his daughter and he’s always been my dad. His family accepted and treated us like his children and my mom’s family fully embraced him and his children.

I’ve been single for some time and I’ve really never been tempted to blend, because I would have nothing less for my child. My sister always said my stepdad set such a high standard, it would make it difficult for her to settle for anything less.

I do buy cards and small gifts for my step grandchildren for birthdays and Christmas, they also are invited for meals and parties at home, but I don’t always include them in days out, they already have multiple grandparents including great grandparents plus spend every other weekend at their Dads so I mostly try to arrange things then. It might sound awful but I can’t afford activities for 5, occasionally we will all do a zoo trip or something but not often.

So having been a step child it didn’t bother me tbh that my stepmums family were not that close to me as I had my own grandparents, they were polite etc and I was fine going round but it would have been weird if they were overly familiar as I saw them so infrequently.

My stepdad however brought me up and his family are my family and I consider him to be the “dad” in my life. So totally depends on context.

My BIL had stepkids who were ranging from 7-18 when he met their mum and he then had a child with their mum. The eldest two were basically adults so I used to include their names on cards etc but beyond that weren’t super close in an Aunty way (I’m not that far off their age tbh). However my SIL youngest daughter was 7 and I never wanted her feeling left out so if my DS or niece (her younger sister) were doing something/ getting something I always made sure she had the same. I felt she’d notice not being treated the same, whereas her older sisters obviously wouldn’t expect the same as kids being so much older.

I think it more matters if the child notices a difference and feels excluded rather than if you “should” force a relationship.

I wouldn't expect the same treatment or relationship they've got with their bio grandkids but I do think it would be kinder to involve them in things like Xmas gifts just so they aren't obviously being left out.

If I have understood this properly, your DSC don’t really know your parents. Would they even feel comfortable going on holiday with them? Would their mum even allow it?
I probably wouldn’t let my father in law take my DDs away because he’s only met them a handful of times and they’re ‘full blood relations.’
On the flip side my mother in law will often take my DSD away with them without us and has never done that with my DDs who are her grandchildren as well 🤷‍♀️ she did it before they were born and it’s never changed.

So does it work both ways? Does your hubby 's ex have a relayionshop with your children?

My DH has been in my life for 10 yrs and is step parent to teen DC. He's quite clear that DC is his son and his family should accept that. And they do because they love DH and respect his choices and they now love my DC too.

I chose a partner that fully understood the role of step parent.

There’s several step dc’s in my family. They all just get embraced as part of the family. Which they are.

I wouldn’t be ok with this, no and I think it fucking sucks tbh. But mumsnet orthodoxy is this is totally fine, and the natural order of things. If it does happen to upset the kids , they just have to be helped to get over it apparently.
Tbh I think it says a lot about your in laws and who they are as people.

As a child in this situation I don't care my step fathers family don't view me as family. It was hard when we were young and not included as it meant mum had to stay with us and send my step father alone. Now I'm older I wish they would open up to us, for my step father, he's my dad, my child's grandfather and I'm sad he can't share this with his family. But he says it's getting easier now, they accept in words which I think helps him, but I honestly don't want a relationship with them and never have.

I think it depends on the family. I’m very close to my SM’s family, especially one of her sisters, and have my own relationships with them outside of her .They have always bought me gifts and also now for my children. My SNan always checks in on me and I her, always expected to be at family events.
Not as close to SDads family but they are lovely and welcoming and again I have always been given gifts and invited to family events etc.
I do have both sets of biological Gparents but my stepfamilies are just extra people to love, and to love me and my children.
Saying all of this I don’t ever expect anything they do for me, I suppose it was easier I came in at such a young age maybe? Before any of their bio grandkids were born