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Original poster

Is it unreasonable for a partners family to have no relationship with DC from previous relationship

166 replies

spok111 · 22/11/2023 16:13

Would you be okay with your partners or spouses family having no relationship with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite / friendly when happen to be face to face.

I.e. not getting a birthday card for them, only asking if they had a good one when they see them next which could be weeks after, being fantastic and really involved with joint DC but having no real relationship at all with stepchildren, arranging days out with joint DC but never suggesting SC go etc..

Basically would you accept in your relationship or marriage, your partners family having nothing to do with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite when face to face.

OP posts:
Original poster
spok111 · 22/11/2023 18:11

Sisters DC not filters DC

OP posts:
sprigatito · 22/11/2023 18:11

I wouldn't make a fuss about it, because people are who they are and they don't change their values because you ask them to.

I would, however, have little liking or respect for them and would make very little effort to see or include them. I think treating all the children of a family like valued family members is basic decency. I can't imagine not going out of my way to include a child who was a part of my own child's family unit, or having a two-tier approach to family children at family events, Christmas etc. Loving your own grandchildren more is inevitable and natural, but that doesn't mean you have to leave stepchildren out of things like cards and presents or treat them as lesser. It's cold, tribal and unpleasant, and I wouldn't have much time for anyone who thought it was normal.

Original poster
spok111 · 22/11/2023 18:14

They stay 2 nights a week so live mainly with mum which means they don't often see my family either so probably doesn't help. We also never spend Christmas day with them. I think if we did they'd probably bring something for them but they don't now because they never see them at Christmas or birthdays so don't feel the need.

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 22/11/2023 18:14

My parents don't have much to do with my SCs. They have met them and are kind when they see them. I'd think my partner had gone nuts if he told me he didn't "accept" this.

I think trying to force a relationship that isn't there is really unhealthy for all concerned.

margaritabonita · 22/11/2023 18:14

spok111 · 22/11/2023 18:09

If they were taking one to Disney land and not the other I wouldn't be happy

It's funny you should say that as my parents are doing exactly this with our DC and filters DC next year. SC aren't going as they have no relationship really with my parents so would never occur to anyone that they'd go too.

Are you and DH going too?

Original poster
spok111 · 22/11/2023 18:15

Me and DSis are going, DH isn't.

OP posts:
MonaDaVinci · 22/11/2023 18:15

Mine were 10 and 8 when my in laws met them. They were always polite, etc. But over the years a lovely relationship formed and now they are grown up, they keep in touch independently of me, which I really love.

Emptyheadlock · 22/11/2023 18:15

I wouldn't be happy and would think less of them.

My dh's family treat my eldest the same as they treat the children that are dh's.

I have a lot of friends that had children already when meeting a new dp. All their new in laws treat those children really well.

My sister and brother both have partners with existing children. Myself, my parents and grandparents etc treat them as well as bio family kids.

Libertass · 22/11/2023 18:16

It’s unrealistic to expect people to treat their offspring’s / sibling’s stepchildren the same as they treat their own actual grandchildren / nieces, especially if they see them infrequently and therefore have little opportunity to build up a relationship with them. A card probably isn’t too much to expect but, at the end of the day, they are just other people’s kids.

bringbacksideburns · 22/11/2023 18:23

Given they are only primary school aged, I wouldn’t expect expensive holidays etc but a card and little present occasionally, especially at Christmas, would be nice. Especially as his own parents are dead. I can understand why he might feel a bit sad about that.

Do your parents not get on with your spouse? How do you get on with the SC?

You say they dote on the 3 year old. Do they make it obvious when you are all together because all the kids are very young and would pick up on that.

If it upsets your spouse have you ever asked your parents why they show no real interest or is it because you never talk about them?

Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 22/11/2023 18:28

I have a step-nephew who was 4 when my brother in law met his mum. He is now 12 and treated the same as all other grandchildren by my in laws. I don't know if they love him as much as their biological grandchildren deep down but he is treated the same, with christmas presents from us all and I refer to him as my child's cousin.
I'm sorry op but I think your parents sound a bit mean in comparison.

Me1987 · 22/11/2023 18:30

I met my partner when my child was a toddler, his whole family embraced her like she was their own blood, we then had a child together. 15 years later nothing had changed, both treated equally. Because if the way they treated her I will always love and respect all of them for it, they make more effort then my own family do. I also ensure even though they are older and grumpy teenagers that they visit and make an effort. I would have behaved exactly the same if my partner had a child.

Concannon88 · 22/11/2023 18:34

I stand corrected haha

Concannon88 · 22/11/2023 18:40

I think that's really shitty. The 3 year old is going but the 10 and 12 year olds arent. I'd be more bothered about that than your dh. It's ok to prefer your own grandchildren, but it has to be subtle imo. This is blatant favouritism and I do feel sad for the kids and think your husband has a point.

OhmygodDont · 22/11/2023 18:42

I don’t think you can expect a step parents, parents to spend Disney land/world money on people who they see maybe only once a month as they only do week visits with dad as if they are the same as a child they likely see regularly.

Leftinlimbo · 22/11/2023 18:43

It's not unreasonable. They are not their grandparents so the relationship is bound to be different.

CremeEggSupremacy · 22/11/2023 18:48

I think if it was the case that person A is in a relationship with person B and person B has kids but there's no joint kids between person A and B, it wouldn't be unreasonable for person A's parents to not be that bothered with them. But when person A and B have their own kids as well as person B's kids...idk, I do think it's nice if person A's parents then make a bit more effort IMO

HenriettaVienetta · 22/11/2023 18:50

Personally, I don't think it unreasonable that kids that have no direct relationship to them aren't going, especially if they are paying.

They have grandparents. They don't need any more, or an 'equal' standing with their wider stepfamily. Does their mum have a new partner? Are they involved there? It isn't possible to have that number of relatives and actually have a genuine close relationship with all of them.

saraclara · 22/11/2023 19:09

I think there's a huge difference between a child who lives with their parent and step parent, and a child who only spends every other weekend with them.

I wouldn't expect the family of the step parent in the latter case to have much involvement at all.
In the first case they're likely to see them more regularly in the general scheme of things, so I'd hope that there'd be more of a connection.

Menora · 22/11/2023 19:12

I’ve seen this scenario on here before

I think it’s fine unless your DH goes, as then that would be quite shitty of him not to take them

as he isn’t going I think it’s fine. You can do things with your family that don’t include the SC. My family do include my SC in gifts at Xmas but maybe not a holiday that DP wasn’t even coming on

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2023 19:18

spok111 · 22/11/2023 18:09

If they were taking one to Disney land and not the other I wouldn't be happy

It's funny you should say that as my parents are doing exactly this with our DC and filters DC next year. SC aren't going as they have no relationship really with my parents so would never occur to anyone that they'd go too.

I can see why they wouldn't pay for non relatives but I think it's sad

Original poster
spok111 · 22/11/2023 20:05

Can I ask genuinely what is sad about it? DSC have never, to my knowledge, been bothered by the lack of relationship with my family or about not being taken on holidays by them. They are just other people that they don't really know that well.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 22/11/2023 20:24

I was very lucky because both my exh and my parents were dead but my now DH took my DC on as his own and his parents did too. They bought my DC birthday and Xmas gifts and Easter eggs and because they lived by the seaside they invited my DC up to stay with them for a week each year. FiL would take a week off and they'd take my DC to the beach or out on a boat ride or petting zoo every day. Also MiL cooked all their favourite foods. She's a great cook. DH and I got a week's holiday alone somewhere romantic. My kids are grown up now and FiL has died but my DC independently go up to see MiL 150 miles away 3 or 4 times a year each and always take her a bunch of flowers. Mil lives alone and loves their company. They take her out for a cream tea or sometimes just go to the beach for an ice cream. They have ne er forgotten her kindness to them and they all call her Gran too.

LlynTegid · 22/11/2023 20:27

I'd wonder why and it would be a concern to me, if they were as with the OP, children.

Though what is described is nowhere near as bad as those dads who refuse to have any involvement and deny being the father.

WillowCraft · 22/11/2023 23:22

I suppose if your parents rarely see them then maybe they aren't aware of it as such although that will change as the 3 year old talks more. I do think it's a bit of a shame. It's going to drive a wedge between your child and their half siblings which can only be detrimental as they get older. When they are all adults the grandparents will be irrelevant but their half siblings will hopefully be their lifelong support.
It sounds like you don't really care about your stepchildren and would rather they didn't intrude on "your" family. I would take a long term view on this and think about what is best for your own child, putting aside your own awkwardness about these children. If you take the lead, maybe your parents will make more of an effort