Is it unreasonable for a partners family to have no relationship with DC from previous relationship

[spok111]

Would you be okay with your partners or spouses family having no relationship with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite / friendly when happen to be face to face.

I.e. not getting a birthday card for them, only asking if they had a good one when they see them next which could be weeks after, being fantastic and really involved with joint DC but having no real relationship at all with stepchildren, arranging days out with joint DC but never suggesting SC go etc..

Basically would you accept in your relationship or marriage, your partners family having nothing to do with your children from a previous relationship outside of being polite when face to face.

A lot of people on mumsnet are going to say that the family owe your kids nothing and aren’t required to do anything for them. From a legal perspective they’re right.

But from a moral one? It doesn’t sit right with me. How hard is it to make a bit of space at the table for children? I’m not saying they have to get absolutely equal amounts of attention and expense, but it costs very little to be warm, thoughtful and inviting to children. Presents on birthdays and at Christmas don’t have to be a huge deal or expense. If you can afford it I don’t know why you wouldn’t do the little things you can to make a child’s life happier and warmer.

It depends on all sorts of things. My Dad’s neighbours talk constantly about their son’s stepson and are really fond of him. My bro married at 42, he was much older than I am and my SIL had 2 children who were then adults. So, the step nephews and I have children technically in different generations that are much of a muchness in age. My bro loved being a grandad and I love being an auntie (they don’t call me a great auntie)

Every family situation is different and many people obviously don’t see an issue with little interaction between SC and a new extended family. In my case, my brother remarried and his new wife had a daughter from a previous marriage. From the point they got together and we were introduced, her daughter became a niece to us and grandchild to my parents. It never occurred to me that she would be anything other. She is as loved and treated the same as all my other nieces and nephews. I appreciate people holding back with a new relationship, not wanting to invest in a relationship with the children only to be hurt if the relationship failed, but we never gave that a thought and simply welcomed her into our family and have enjoyed seeing our new niece grow into the beautiful woman she is now. At the end of the day as long as the children are not hurt by having a different relationship with your parents to their siblings, everything is kept polite and friendly and your family dynamic works, then great.

@myotherkidisacassowary I really agree with you here. OP has a 3 year old and are married. When you marry someone with children, you accept them as part of your life. No, your parents were not the ones marrying him but morally I would expect my mum and dad to love and respect me enough to accept my life with a man who has children from a previous relationship and yes I would expect them to make an effort with my step children.

I’m not saying it’s something that happens over night, I wouldn’t expect them to take SC in as their own grandchildren the first day they meet but the fact you’re married and have a 3 year old shows you’ve been together long enough for your parents to come round to the idea and spend time with them.

Morally it doesn’t sit right with me that you’re leaving DH and your step kids at home whilst you go to Disneyland with your child and your family. It feels too much of a divide.

DH is obviously upset by this and in my OWN opinion I am on his side here. I think I would expect more from my parents.

Presents are not that important, the other 363 days of the year are.

At the very least step grandchildren should be treated affectionately. They are part of the family and it is affection (love is preferable) that binds families together.

@spok111 it seems to me that communication is key here, DH has reached out to you and you are considering everybody's feelings around the existing relationships. Fair play to you, it's doesn't sound easy.

However, what has worked for everyone in the past is not necessarily the best dynamic moving forward, again, you're considering this, again, it's tricky.

How do you feel about a holiday that doesn't involve your SC, you know them too. Could you suggest an alternative holiday for DH and SC?

@spok111

i think it's sad in your situation because they don't have their Dad's parents & family, only family on their mums side. If your family had chosen to step up your DH would feel he/they had family on his side too.

But you can't make people feel what they don't.

The kids might not be bothered by it, but that doesn't mean their lives wouldn't have been richer for having more involvement from your family.

They have their own grandparents. Friendly when they see them is fine.

Having bonded with children who've joined the family via step parents and thinking of one as my GC, to then lose all contact, going forward I'd always put a boundary in place. I think posters are missing that you only have them twice a week and never on Christmas etc. Would your DH have been ok with having to fit visits with your family into contact? That's how relationships are built. He's feeling it because he has no parents, otherwise it would be too much to see everyone. The now 10 and 13 year old aren't going to start to view your side as close family. The ship has sailed. Financially will they need anything from your family? Is that a worry for him?

@Pinkpinkpink15 but then what if the no Christmas day contact was challenged? How would that go down with the Mother? We don't know if she's happy as things are and glad she doesn't have to give her children to people who aren't related to her. In-laws wanting contact with children can cause issues.

I wonder if it feels to your DH that his kids don't count within your wider family, and that feeling trickles down to him the same way? His DC are being treated with ambivalence at best, cruel exclusion at worse, and you don't seem to care it bothers him. This is the kind of thing that can eat away at a marriage.

By the same token our DC has no paternal grandparents either though. All children involved only have maternal grandparents.

I genuinely have never gotten the impression for DSC that they are bothered or upset. They are of course a lot older than our joint DC so it's easier for the things they get or do to not be such an issue, obviously DSC aren't bothered by a plastic toy that DC may receive for example or a trip to soft play with grandparents.

Appreciate bigger things like disney may be different and can be enjoyed by all but I certainly wouldn't expect my family to pay for DSC that they barely see or know.

We are going on a family holiday as well later in the year so I don't see it as a problem, DSC go away with their mum at different times. So holiday amounts tend to be generally the same.

I can't force a relationship and I don't agree with DH enough (or at all to be perfectly honest though I'm trying to see his POV) to deprive our child of the loving relationship they have with my family simply because
they don't act the same with children they have no bond with. Perhaps if they were here more often and it was natural that they spent more time together things would be different but as it is i think they probably only come face to face once or twice every few months because they live mainly with mum and obviously our 2 days aren't spent with my family, they are spent together or with DH and them.

Nope, kind and polite when face to face is fine.

Some people don’t want to acknowledge that they have an ended up in a blended setup, and want everyone else to bend over backwards to make it look as if it isn’t so.

BTW we do have the kids on Christmas every other year, we just don't spend it with wider family. We just spend it together at home. If we did spend it with wider family I'm sure they'd get DSC something.

Its the same with birthdays, I'm sure if my family saw DSC on or close to their birthday they'd get then something but as they rarely see them then they don't.

Yes. Because I would have chosen to involve myself with a man who had children. My parents didn't make that decision and so I wouldn't force them to have emotional attachment to children that were in no way anything to do with them.

I'd feel this way. They're polite when they meet.

I think ultimately as you can see from the responses on this thread, you're not in the wrong but your DH definitely isn't either and it must be pretty sad for him seeing as he doesn't have his own parents. I don't get why he and the two kids aren't coming to Disneyland too? It's not hard to make more effort when something is hurting your spouse.

It is not polite to be unwelcoming, cold or distant with step grandchildren.

Politeness is more than not swearing at them.

Because its a trip arrange and paid for by my parents for mine and Dsis' children, outside if school hols. I can't expect them to pay for DSC and also re arrange the whole thing to go in the more expensive school holidays as well. I don't know why they would or be expected to do that for children they see a handful of times if that a year.

As I say I am trying to see DHs POV but I'm also not going to deprive our DC of opportunities with their own family because of it.

I think they are as kind and welcoming with DSC as they are with any children they aren't related to and don't see much. They don't consider them grandchildren (or niece / nephew). Obviously whether people think that's right or not varies. Personally I don't think they need to, especially as DSC never seem bothered.

But they aren't just any children. They are the siblings of your family's grandchild/niece/nephew and they are the children of your family's son-in-law/brother-in-law - surely that makes them deserving of a birthday card at the very least? A small box of chocolates at Christmas? You say your DSC don't seem bothered but how do you know for sure? Your DH bringing it up is a sign that they probably are.

I don’t understand why we always think of these relationships/interactions as being the pseudo-grandparents doing all the giving & the children the taking. It’s a privilege and a joy to have a relationship with a child, and I can only imagine fear at them being whisked away, come relationship breakdown, as an understandable reason to hold back. Life often gets smaller as we get older, what a joy if more children/young people come along.

Not all children are joyful. Some are very hard work.

Given DH isn't going to Disney, then really imho SC shouldn't be going either.

It's a lot of responsibility to ask of unrelated people to take SC on extended trips in the absence of a parent.

I find it baffling that people don't communicate about things like this BEFORE getting married, having more kids etc. There are obviously a lot of variables and I think as previous posters have said it makes a big difference who they live with most of the time. I just think if I were in a new relationship discussions would happen. Husband could have said "I want our families to be fully blended, I don't want my older kids to be left out, would your family be on board with that?" If it was a dealbreaker he could have walked away early. If not the communication with the kids could be clear from the get go... "Tom and Sue are little brother's grandparents, just like you have Nana and Grandpa Mum's-side. So brother gets presents and goes on hols with them the same way you do". No fuss, no drama.

I can see why DH is upset. He's sad that his kids don't have that extra love / support network.

I've been the doting aunt to step niblings. I was there aunt for 14 years. When my brother and his ex split she was very clear her kids are nothing to do with me/us (unless it's a Christmas or birthday, and then we are family and it's not their fault the relationship ending). When the kids had their own kids the suddenly contact me independently wanting a relationship. Ibdid a lot for the niblings but she (ex) obstructed a relationship with my nephew (again unless it involves spending money on gifts. He hasn't had trips to the zoo, theme park, sea side like her kids had.

Anyhow, I wouldn't invest my heart or my time into kids that I'm not related to again.