AIBU feeling like his mum.

Whatintheworldgirl · 2023-11-22T14:38:07+00:00

I've (F30) been with my partner(M28) for two years. He was so romantic and loving and thoughtful when we got together. I had never experienced such effort. That only lasted a month or so though and since then I've been desperately praying it'll come back. I'll do things daily to try and show him love and support. I get up and make him his coffee every morning. I then wake him up. Make him his lunch for work with love notes. Clean the house and cook the dinners. Fund his vaping and give him massages. I treat him to gifts all the time and do my best to build him up. Now I'm not silly, I know no ones is perfect and I've been quite poorly for over a year so I've lost a lot of weight and I don't 'dress up' all the time so I can understand if he's not feeling sexually physical towards me all the time but its always me who has to 'seduce' him. Make the effort to dress up. I bathe and shave and exfoliate every single day. He doesn't even shower anymore. I'm lucky if he does once a week. He doesn't show me any attention, he's just on his laptop working all the time. He's a jeweller so he's chatting to clients. I don't want to be a bitch and ask for attention even know in all honestly I'd like even just a little bit but perhaps I'm at the point where i need to just walk away. He lives in my house so perhaps it's time for me to ask him to go back to his mums. Would you be bothered with this behaviour? Or do I sound like a brat?

mbosnz · 22/11/2023 14:40

I reckon I'd be chucking that fish back in the river, and casting my line again.

He is taking you for granted, and putting absolutely no effort into the relationship, let alone showing respect and appreciation for you.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 22/11/2023 14:42

The 'good part' only lasted a month?!

Previous poster is right - he's not the one for you (or for anyone by the sounds of it) Definitely move him out of your home and move on with your life.

Unabletomitigate · 22/11/2023 15:00

Sounds like you make a lot of effort for him, and get nothing much in return. If this is not what you want from a relationship, ditch him.
Not all relationships last.

DropDeadFreida · 22/11/2023 15:03

Genuine question: why did you carry on with the relationship if he changed after just one month? I'm not trying to be goady, but I think it's important to think about why you would accept that sort of treatment from someone who was essentially still a stranger. He's moved into your house, I'm going to bet he's not pulling his weight financially or domestically, and you're bending over backwards trying to make him into someone he never was.

He acted for a month to secure you. The man sitting in front of you today is who he is-the fantasy man does not exist. So your options are to accept him as he is and settle for less than you're worth, spend the rest of your life trying to change him and drive yourself mad, or kick him out, work on your self esteem and live you life as you wish.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 22/11/2023 15:03

To me it sounds as though he knows he should make an effort (which he can do, and did) but now he thinks he's 'got a girlfriend' he no longer has to make any effort at all. A bit like baiting a hook, then once the prey is caught, why would you waste more bait?

He's only going to get worse, OP. Sling him back and find someone who can be consistently nice, not just when they think they need to get someone.

Original poster

Whatintheworldgirl · 22/11/2023 15:05

DropDeadFreida · 22/11/2023 15:03

Genuine question: why did you carry on with the relationship if he changed after just one month? I'm not trying to be goady, but I think it's important to think about why you would accept that sort of treatment from someone who was essentially still a stranger. He's moved into your house, I'm going to bet he's not pulling his weight financially or domestically, and you're bending over backwards trying to make him into someone he never was.

He acted for a month to secure you. The man sitting in front of you today is who he is-the fantasy man does not exist. So your options are to accept him as he is and settle for less than you're worth, spend the rest of your life trying to change him and drive yourself mad, or kick him out, work on your self esteem and live you life as you wish.

Thank you for your question and your supportive words. I guess I just want someone to love me. Someone who will stay with me and not leave me. I guess I just hope that the man he was will come back. Maybe I've done something to change that? Maybe he's bored of me? Maybe she's got some mental struggles that I'm too dumb to recognise and help him with. I honestly don't know. I just wish things were how they used to be.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 22/11/2023 15:06

If someone stops paying you attention after ONE MONTH, you dump them. You don't stay with them for two bloody years. Are you mad?

HE DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING SHOWER. Why on earth would you want to be with this absolute arsehole?

Original poster

Whatintheworldgirl · 22/11/2023 15:07

ManateeFair · 22/11/2023 15:06

If someone stops paying you attention after ONE MONTH, you dump them. You don't stay with them for two bloody years. Are you mad?

HE DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING SHOWER. Why on earth would you want to be with this absolute arsehole?

Edited

He tells me he's too tired from work to shower 😭

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 22/11/2023 15:09

That is completely disgusting.

He made an effort washed for 1 months and in return you have treated him like a king for 24!

Time for him to go.

TheSandgroper · 22/11/2023 15:09

If he doesn’t shower, then he doesn’t clean his backside or under his foreskin for days on end.

Words fail me.

Original poster

Whatintheworldgirl · 22/11/2023 15:10

AnnaMagnani · 22/11/2023 15:09

That is completely disgusting.

He made an effort washed for 1 months and in return you have treated him like a king for 24!

Time for him to go.

Could it be my fault though? Perhaps because I've lost weight he's not attracted to me anymore so doesn't want to wash? I don't know 😭

OP posts:

BoohooWoohoo · 22/11/2023 15:10

He love bombed you for the first month because he wanted you to become attached to him. He’s not bothering now because he’s too lazy to keep up the fake version of himself and he thinks that you’re hooked on him. The old version isn’t really him so it won’t come back. When you get the courage to ask him to leave, I suspect that he will promise a return to old him. Definitely get rid. He’s got way too comfortable too soon.

BoohooWoohoo · 22/11/2023 15:12

I bet that this is exactly how he behaved when he lived with his mother. You are seeing the true him and deserve so much better than being a slave to a man baby.

Hubblebubble · 22/11/2023 15:13

OP, think about this logically. If you, for whatever reason, stopped being attracted to your bf, would you stop showering?! He's disgusting and doesn't make you happy

DropDeadFreida · 22/11/2023 15:14

@Whatintheworldgirl everything you have said in response to my questions makes it clear that you have very low esteem.

Firstly, and I know this sounds like such a cliche, but you need to love yourself first. You need to think about what sort of life you deserve. You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and think about who you are and what you expect from life. There is a reason that certain types of women attract these types of men: these men can smell low self esteem from a mile away.

Secondly, do you think he spends even a tenth of the time you spend worrying about his needs worrying about yours? Do you think your needs/happiness/mental health is a consideration for him? If not, why not?

And lastly, do you want a partner or a project?

Relationships are not always easy, but they should ultimately enhance your life, not detract from it. And no matter what happens, do not ever forget that the longest relationship you will ever have on this earth will be the one you have with yourself. So maybe spend some time worrying about your health and happiness rather than his?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 22/11/2023 15:16

You are giving everything. He is taking, taking, taking and giving nothing back. He is selfish, inconsiderate, entitled & lazy.
He has no personal hygiene & no respect for you. He is treating you like a convenience.
What a catch! Seriously, tell him he's moving out. Don't ask, TELL him.

ManateeFair · 22/11/2023 15:17

Whatintheworldgirl · 22/11/2023 15:05

Thank you for your question and your supportive words. I guess I just want someone to love me. Someone who will stay with me and not leave me. I guess I just hope that the man he was will come back. Maybe I've done something to change that? Maybe he's bored of me? Maybe she's got some mental struggles that I'm too dumb to recognise and help him with. I honestly don't know. I just wish things were how they used to be.

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He was nice to you for one month. ONE MONTH. He's been awful to you for twenty-three months. The awful him is the real him. The nice him was an act.

You haven't done anything wrong, you are not 'dumb' and he is not bored.

He's just a twat. That's literally it. Send this terrible man back to his bloody mother's and never speak to him again!

I don't mean this unkindly, so please don't take this the wrong way, but you are in need of therapy to regain some of your self-esteem. You would do well to stay single for a while because 'just wanting someone who will stay with you and not leave you' is something that is making you incredibly vulnerable to abuse and being taken advantage of by lazy grasping bastards like your current boyfriend.

You are setting the bar astonishingly low, OP. You deserve WAYYYYYY better than this! You're awesome and you deserve a man who is kind and attentive and appreciative and who you can have fun with, and who is great in bed, and who will be as thoughtful towards you as you are towards him. Don't settle for anything less xx

ManateeFair · 22/11/2023 15:17

Whatintheworldgirl · 22/11/2023 15:10

Could it be my fault though? Perhaps because I've lost weight he's not attracted to me anymore so doesn't want to wash? I don't know 😭

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No, he's just a cunt.

Cosywintertime · 22/11/2023 15:18

Can’t believe what I read on here sometimes, op this is just so desperate. You even pay for his vapes? Let him live in your house? Make him lunch? Clean the house? Cook his meals for him?

why, where did you learn about relationships ? You are not this man’s slave, you don’t have to beg like this. Please end it and get him out.

Snorkmaidenn · 22/11/2023 15:22

Why did you ask him to move in after just one month of knowing him? Why didn't you date first and get to know him gradually, spend weekends together before progressing so quickly into a full time relationship? There's a saying, full on fast, full off even faster. You need to send him back to his mum and work on yourself. A man won't solve your problems. Take care of yourself. X

HollaHolla · 22/11/2023 15:24

I don’t have a partner/have someone I’m attached to. I still wash!!
i think it sounds like he might be depressed, if he’s abandoning self-care…. But, if that happened after only one month, I’d have thought he might have gotten lazy, as soon as he ‘had’ you.
Id be getting rid. Sorry,OP.

Nicole1111 · 22/11/2023 15:28

Dump him and do some serious work on your self esteem. The book Overcoming low self esteem is a good place to start

80sMum · 22/11/2023 15:29

Whatintheworldgirl · 22/11/2023 15:05

Thank you for your question and your supportive words. I guess I just want someone to love me. Someone who will stay with me and not leave me. I guess I just hope that the man he was will come back. Maybe I've done something to change that? Maybe he's bored of me? Maybe she's got some mental struggles that I'm too dumb to recognise and help him with. I honestly don't know. I just wish things were how they used to be.

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Sadly I think "the man he was" never truly existed. He was an idealised version of the man you actually live with.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2023 15:30

What has happened in your life that causes you to accept such utter shit from a partner? You should have dumped him 1 year and 11 months ago.

Mothership4two · 22/11/2023 15:33

I guess I just hope that the man he was will come back. Maybe I've done something to change that? Maybe he's bored of me? Maybe she's got some mental struggles that I'm too dumb to recognise and help him with. I honestly don't know. I just wish things were how they used to be.

You can wish all you want but that man is not coming back because he doesn't exist. That was your partner on his absolute best behaviour to get his foot in the door and now he has done that he isn't bothering and the man you have got now is the real him. His behaviour is NOT your fault. You probably shouldn't have put up with him for so long, especially as the nice version of him only lasted one month and you seem to be doing a lot of mollycoddling. Running around after him is not working. He is showing you that he does not respect you. Low libido and not bathing may be a sign of depression, but tbh it sounds more like he just can't be bothered and your treatment of him doesn't seem to be helping his MH. Personally, I would not put up with this behaviour, but, if you want to give him a chance, sit him down, seriously pull him up about his attitude/behaviour and tell him what you want to change, within a certain timeframe, or the consequences will be you move on and he moves out - unless you want to stay his doormat (sorry to be harsh, but you are) forever. You are worth more than his crappy treatment of you.