AIBU feeling like his mum.

[Whatintheworldgirl]

I've (F30) been with my partner(M28) for two years. He was so romantic and loving and thoughtful when we got together. I had never experienced such effort. That only lasted a month or so though and since then I've been desperately praying it'll come back. I'll do things daily to try and show him love and support. I get up and make him his coffee every morning. I then wake him up. Make him his lunch for work with love notes. Clean the house and cook the dinners. Fund his vaping and give him massages. I treat him to gifts all the time and do my best to build him up.

Now I'm not silly, I know no ones is perfect and I've been quite poorly for over a year so I've lost a lot of weight and I don't 'dress up' all the time so I can understand if he's not feeling sexually physical towards me all the time but its always me who has to 'seduce' him. Make the effort to dress up. I bathe and shave and exfoliate every single day. He doesn't even shower anymore. I'm lucky if he does once a week. He doesn't show me any attention, he's just on his laptop working all the time. He's a jeweller so he's chatting to clients. I don't want to be a bitch and ask for attention even know in all honestly I'd like even just a little bit but perhaps I'm at the point where i need to just walk away. He lives in my house so perhaps it's time for me to ask him to go back to his mums. Would you be bothered with this behaviour? Or do I sound like a brat?

It isn't you - it's HIM!!!

He's a lazy CF, who you have allowed to squat in your home. He needs to go, TODAY! You deserve better.

He doesn’t shower????????!!!

surely the effort he puts in (and lack thereof!!) is evidence of his feelings for you. You like him and put in so much effort and he doesn’t. Sometimes we believe that if we work hard, someone will treat us better. And that’s rarely the case. Someone will only treat us better if they want to.

Im sorry you’re in this situation and hope you leave and find someone who would treat you well and value you.

Be aware that when you try and leave, his behaviour may change and get better. But if you stay with him, things will go back to how it was before.

Stay strong and leave!!!

Sweetheart, you are worth way more than this. You shouldn’t accept a man who only gives you 4 weeks of effort.

Bin. And go and get a new one that will value your lovely caring qualities.

None of this is your fault. You are an amazing girlfriend and he doesn’t deserve you. You sound awesome and he sounds rubbish. You can do way better than him

"I guess I just hope that the man he was will come back."
That man NEVER existed. He was a fiction acted out by the unwashed waster squatting in your house, in your life. A mask, donned by a con-man. He can't come back because he was never there.

"I just wish things were how they used to be."
Things will NEVER be how they used to be. Why would they? Your cocklodger sussed one month after meeting you that he could make no effort - so he doesn't. Instead, you run after him. Why would he make any effort that he clearly doesn't need to?

"I guess I just want someone to love me. Someone who will stay with me and not leave me."
Well, he's unlikely to leave when he has it so damned soft, living off you, having you skivvy for him. But HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU AND HE NEVER WILL. And his presence in your life, in your home, means he is preventing you from finding someone who WILL love you.

You clearly have emotional issues, and please, please - get some help with them. Counselling, therapy - whatever it takes to feel that you are a person who is worth loving. Because to suffer the level of disrespect this man is showing you, and yet still be torturing yourself as to what you've done wrong - it's heartbreaking.

He's showing you the man he is, acting a certain way for a month is all it was, an act!

You deserve so much more than him, but look at all the effort you put in, he's getting everything he wants handed on a platter.

Why do you want to be loved by someone who is treating you this way? Why are you making such an effort for someone who's not got enough basic respect for you (or himself!) to even shower!

Leave him to his hovel lifestyle and get back out there and don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated

He sounds like a total waste of your time and effort. DUMP!

I am wondering why you are even questioning yourself when it seems so obvious?

Wow! Get rid. Wow! Sorry you've hung on in hope for so long.

You feel like his mum because you’re acting like it and allowing it, and he’s going to take advantage of that. He’s a grown man, stop being such a mug and trying to buy his love and validation, it won’t work. If it was going to, it would have by now. Relationships are a two way street.

Assuming you have let your feelings be known, with all the effort you are going to and he's treating you like this, then he's not a keeper. Get shut.

Oh OP, I feel really sorry for you. I agree with PP - your self esteem is terrible. He was nice for ONE month?! And you STILL let him move in. I bet along with you doing all this for him, and him not showering, that you are funding him too aren't you?

Please please please - you have to look at the numbers. You've been together for 24 months and he has only been nice for one of those. That is roughly 4% of your TOTAL relationship. I would expect to consider my relationship in fairly big trouble if the stats the opposite - ie DH was lovely to me for 96% and a wanker 4%.

Then perhaps it's time for you to seek some therapy to figure out where these self esteem issues come from.

Good luck.

OF COURSE IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Give yourself a shake. Your self esteem is through the floor.
You wait on him like a servant. He does nothing for you. He doesn’t love you I’m afraid.
Get rid of this one. Now he thinks he’s got you, he’s being his true self and he won’t change.

He sounds like he's using you.

Run.

He tells me he's too tired from work to shower 😭

Incredibly poor excuse for his pure laziness.

Could it be my fault though? Perhaps because I've lost weight he's not attracted to me anymore so doesn't want to wash? I don't know

Highly unlikely to be anything that you've done, don't put yourself through thinking that.
He's a grown man and no matter how tired he claims to be basic hygiene doesn't take much effort.

Without meaning to sound nasty he's not going to be giving you a second thought if it only took him a month before he had you at his beck and call, he's probably thinking he lucked out at how little effort he had to put in and that's about all you're going to get.

Unfortunately until you change your ways he'll be quite happy just being waited on.

Yes my love, it's definitely overdue time that he went back to his mothers. This isn't even a mother/son dynamic, it's worse, you can be sure his mother isn't tying herself into knots with a daily exfoliating regime for him.

He isn't going to go back to who he was, this is who he is. Watch him miraculously remember where the shower is when he needs to find the next woman to make his packed lunch and change his bed sheets, and again, when he gets his feet under the table he will reveal his nature.

All the energy that you're putting into thinking about him, and trying to make yourself loveable? Kick him out, and put that into working on your own self esteem before you get into another relationship. Until you can command more respect because you know and believe that you are loveable just like you are, you are rolling out the welcome mat for wasters like this, and you will repeat the cycle until something clicks for you.

He isn't "the man he was." That was fake, and it's not coming back. He's a disgusting man-child who can't handle a mature relationship. He bathes ONCE A WEEK! How can you stand to be near him?

Please get counseling to figure out why you've been willing to subject yourself to this disgusting creature for so long.

Not washing and treating you like a maid is not something that's happened because you've lost weight. It's because he's a twat

He sounds awful. You can find someone far more appreciative and attentive. I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum. He's just reverted to his true self

It's not your fault. Stop trying to fix people.

Hes disgusting and very few women would put up with him.

You on the other hand are 30. You have LOADS of time to meet someone lovely who does make an effort. Honestly, you're selling yourself short and I guarantee will kick yourself in a few years when you're still with him and very unhappy.

Could it be my fault though? Perhaps because I've lost weight he's not attracted to me anymore so doesn't want to wash? I don't know No, it's not your fault. He just doesn't care about personal hygiene. What you have now is who he is.

The loved-up can't keep your hands off each other phase of a relationship doesn't last long, and, if the relationship is going to work, it's replaced by a deeper love and respect for the real person that you're with. So that no matter what happened, he would still cherish you for the person you are. It sounds like he has a very juvenile view of relationships "butter her up till I've caught her then I can relax". Cut your losses!

Even if, as someone suggested, he's suffering depression (and I agree with her, it's not that), clearly your attention isn't helping him. so let him loose and he can go and sort himself out.

I have been married for 25 years, I would love my wife to all that for me, for about a month, then I would loose respect for her and myself. The more you do. The more someone will let you if it’s their nature and how someone can only shower once a week ! You said return to his moms, I think you have replaced her. You want someone to love you, and I think you have mistaken waiting on someone hand and foot, or being waited on are signs of love. They are not. Grab a handful of esteem, start loving yourself and send him home with a note for his mom.

He wasn’t ever “that man.” He pretended to be until he had you and then realised he could give up making the effort. You can do better.

Firstly thank you so much to everyone that responded and offered helpful insight and guidance. I genuinely cannot express how much you have all helped and I have saved this thread so I can keep re reading everything.

So I tried to talk to him about it. It turned into a blazing row. He then threw a few horrible words my way. Basically saying I was easy and should go a shag someone else. Then that if I broke up with him I would never see him again. He wouldn't chase me. All this stuff that I never expected to hear from him. It's like venom in his eyes. I want him to leave. I feel like I want to be on my own but weirdly what he's said has now made me scared. Like I don't want to be alone. So I'm questioning myself. Anyway, we have sat in the same room for 2 hours now while he's playing his Xbox and not talking to me. I just want him out of my house 😭

Being alone is far better than being with someone who has no respect for you, OP. You will give yourself time to build yourself up to eventually meet someone new who you deserve and treats you well.

Staying with him is just going to make everything worse. It’s really sad to think what could have possibly gone wrong in your life to make your self esteem so low that you’re willing to stay with an abusive prick just so not to be alone 😭

Get rid.