AIBU feeling like his mum.

[Whatintheworldgirl]

I've (F30) been with my partner(M28) for two years. He was so romantic and loving and thoughtful when we got together. I had never experienced such effort. That only lasted a month or so though and since then I've been desperately praying it'll come back. I'll do things daily to try and show him love and support. I get up and make him his coffee every morning. I then wake him up. Make him his lunch for work with love notes. Clean the house and cook the dinners. Fund his vaping and give him massages. I treat him to gifts all the time and do my best to build him up.

Now I'm not silly, I know no ones is perfect and I've been quite poorly for over a year so I've lost a lot of weight and I don't 'dress up' all the time so I can understand if he's not feeling sexually physical towards me all the time but its always me who has to 'seduce' him. Make the effort to dress up. I bathe and shave and exfoliate every single day. He doesn't even shower anymore. I'm lucky if he does once a week. He doesn't show me any attention, he's just on his laptop working all the time. He's a jeweller so he's chatting to clients. I don't want to be a bitch and ask for attention even know in all honestly I'd like even just a little bit but perhaps I'm at the point where i need to just walk away. He lives in my house so perhaps it's time for me to ask him to go back to his mums. Would you be bothered with this behaviour? Or do I sound like a brat?

Putting aside how messed up the entire dynamic sounds, this line stood out to me: "I don't want to be a bitch and ask for attention". This isn't a normal line of thought. Asking for attention is a perfectly normal, natural thing to do, which everyone does.

So when you challenge his behaviour, he gets nasty and abusive? Nice. Definitely time for this one to go, he's got himself comfortable and has been taking the piss for far too long. He says you'll never see him again? Good. You're young, go and find yourself a nice man who respects and appreciates you.

Leave. It’s as simple as that. He will never change and the non showing is just disgusting. I really hope you don’t have kids together

You can do much better. It's not your fault. His true self is the one right in front of you. Thank god it's your place. Tell him to leave.

If you own (or are the only one on the rent agreement) the house you’re living in then kick his smelly arse out. Today.

You’ve now seen what he thinks of you. He knows you well enough to recognise that he can make you doubt yourself, and continue to get a free ride, if he bullies you hard enough.

You haven’t mentioned it, but I bet he’s not contributed fairly to living costs has he? I’d put money on that being another thing that didn’t last more than the month.

You are young. Kick this idiot out, take some time for yourself and then, when you date again, act immediately when you see red flags from any future boyfriends.

Oh and in terms of “feeling like his Mum…”

I bet he doesn’t talk to her like he spoke to you yesterday. So he’s not even giving you THAT much respect.

What's the most likely- that he was his real self for a month and then he just switched into a different person? Or that he was acting for one month to get his claws into you before showing his true self?

This is the real him. You did nothing to make him this way.

He's getting a kick from you making all this effort. He sees you as a doormat.

When confronted he's turned on you, tried to scare you into letting him stay. He'll know you don't want to be alone and he's played on that.
Believe me, living with someone who has no respect for you and has you walking on egg shells is the loneliest place to be.

Time for him to leave, if he refuses phone the police. Then block him, his family, any of his friends you have on social media, change the locks. Go cold turkey. And work on yourself.

I say all this out of kindness and I hope it is taken that way. Do not waste another 10, 15, 20 years. You find too many women, including me, did this and I can't bare to see it happening to others. Please get him out before this gets worse, and it will, you'll be left a shadow of your self and it'll take years to undo the damage.

I'll do things daily to try and show him love and support. I get up and make him his coffee every morning. I then wake him up. Make him his lunch for work with love notes. Clean the house and cook the dinners. Fund his vaping and give him massages. I treat him to gifts all the time and do my best to build him up.

Goodness. I might have been this generous when first together - but I am over 70! I wouldn't expect any working woman to pander to a man like this whilst getting nothing back.
Where are you getting your ideas of a good partner from - Marje Proops?

I just hope that the man he was will come back

I hate to break it to you but he was NEVER that man. It was a mask he wore for one single month to get you to date him. His behaviour now- this is who he really is and he will stay this way. No woman would date him with his current behaviour so he had to put on a front to get you. It isnt him, it never was him, and he'll never be that person again.

Instead of asking whats wrong with you, why arent you asking whats wrong with HIM?

You need some counselling to build yourself up and find out why you feel it’s your fault. He is a dick and taking advantage of you, he love bombed you so you would take him in and essentially be his unpaid labourer. Time to send him back to mummy’s.

It would be a cold day hell before I'd let that unwashed dick near me. Throw him out OP, set your bar a little higher.

OP you deserve better than this. You sound like you have low self esteem and are blaming yourself for his shortcomings. Cut your losses with this one, he won't change and you'll end up truly unhappy. Please don't settle for this.

You sound so lovely and the sort of partner that would make someone very happy. But please consider your options here, this man is not fit to be your partner. He’s a jeweller and you’re still funding his vape?! That aside, if he’s pushed your self esteem so low that you’re actively attempting to seduce a man who skips 6 out of 7 showers, a man who lets you believe you’re unattractive due to illness, your bar is quite low & he will only bring it lower with time until you’re accepting absolute scraps. You deserve better than this, everyone does

Instead of having an adult conversation he turned immediately to insults & threats
Obviously it doesn't suit him to move out.
He is set up at your expense
You are hoping for repentance & "the old him" back
Save yourself the pain, his actions show you exactly who he is.
Tell him today, the relationship is over, he has to be out of your house by the w/e
(Hide your things of value)
Get the key back.
Or bag his stuff up, & change the locks.
Dont try & explain or justify. Its your house. He is Out.
Just rip off the plaster.

Kick the fucker out. Pack a (bin) bag of his stuff, put it on the doorstep, and tell him to leave. Change the locks and forget that waste of time.

You were loved bombed. He made sure he hooked you and then went back to who his real self.

Love bombing is a mind fuck. You keep wanting back the person he was at the beginning, except that person never existed. It was all a con.

Drop him. For the last couple of years he's been telling you loud and clear who he really is.

He said those horrid things to scare you, to stop you kicking him out, he's seeing his cushy life disappearing down the drain. He's a horrid man, pack a bag and kick him out

If this is genuine then it's bloody sad. At 30 years old why are your standards so bloody low? Have you genuinely no idea of what a healthy partnership looks like? I'd be checking him out and trying to see if you can get counselling to address these issues. You need to learn to love yourself first and put in place some basic standards. A partnership is a two way thing where both people put in effort to raise each other up and be supportive.

It’s not weird that a text book domestic abuse tactic (pissing all over a victim’s self esteem and making them believe they can’t do better) has been effective in making you doubt if ending the relationship is the right thing. There’s a reason all abusers use the same tactics, because they are tried and tested and very effective.

Then that if I broke up with him I would never see him again

Yes surely that's the point.

Can your friends/family help yo get this loser out?

Hi OP - I am very late to this thread but OMG, I could not read and run.

You are young, you are clearly a caring and giving person, you make an effort for your partner and you are also holding down your own home and dealing with illness. You have your head screwed on, you are smart and intelligent, organised and generous.

Please do not waste this wonderful, kind person on a vicious idiot who does not adore you.

I understand that you are afraid of "being alone" and that you want to be loved - I think all humans want that, companionship is a huge comfort for us all. Getting home and having someone in your corner is priceless - and I say that as a mostly happily single woman.

Please tell this man to leave - so what if you never see him again? He's bringing nothing now so what's the difference? You'll feel better having your ownhouse to yourself. And then use that time and space to work on your own self esteem. Talk to friends, family, colleagues, seek out counselling if you feel you need it. Make a list of all your positive attributes, make a list of what you'd like to see/do/have in life, and make a plan FOR YOURSELF. Once you start to recognise your own value and act on your own needs, you will have less and less time and space for people who do not treat you as you deserve. xxxx

Was going to reply, but I've read the previous posts and I have nothing to add that would say it better.

So I'm just going to say - PLEASE LISTEN to the good advice you've had here.

Don't waste your life. You are worth so much more than this.

I'm going to be blunt...

It won't come back.
You're wasting your time.

Sitting on his laptop and chatting the whole day, but that makes him too tired to shower?