AIBU feeling like his mum.

[Whatintheworldgirl]

I've (F30) been with my partner(M28) for two years. He was so romantic and loving and thoughtful when we got together. I had never experienced such effort. That only lasted a month or so though and since then I've been desperately praying it'll come back. I'll do things daily to try and show him love and support. I get up and make him his coffee every morning. I then wake him up. Make him his lunch for work with love notes. Clean the house and cook the dinners. Fund his vaping and give him massages. I treat him to gifts all the time and do my best to build him up.

Now I'm not silly, I know no ones is perfect and I've been quite poorly for over a year so I've lost a lot of weight and I don't 'dress up' all the time so I can understand if he's not feeling sexually physical towards me all the time but its always me who has to 'seduce' him. Make the effort to dress up. I bathe and shave and exfoliate every single day. He doesn't even shower anymore. I'm lucky if he does once a week. He doesn't show me any attention, he's just on his laptop working all the time. He's a jeweller so he's chatting to clients. I don't want to be a bitch and ask for attention even know in all honestly I'd like even just a little bit but perhaps I'm at the point where i need to just walk away. He lives in my house so perhaps it's time for me to ask him to go back to his mums. Would you be bothered with this behaviour? Or do I sound like a brat?

Kick him out, build yourself up so you don’t put up with this type of shit again - and find someone nice!!

Do you honestly think, and believe, that being on your own for a while is WORSE than what you are experiencing now? Two years (bar one month) of abuse, cruelty, selfishness, contempt - come on, are your standards really that low that you go along with this treatment? You deserve to be with someone who will you love you, cherish you, respect you and be an equal partner in your relationship. This creep is treating you like dirt!

"Only 2 possible options"?!

There are loads more than that!

Option 3. He's an arsehole who love bombed her and now takes advantage of her and treats her like shit

Option 4. He's a complacent bloke with a mean streak so he doesn't care about her enough to be kind or supportive

Option 5. He has poor mental health, takes it out on OP and has no plans to tackle his issues and would rather continue to make her unhappy.

Etc etc.

Lots of options, not just the two you suggested.

And I have ADHD. It's up to me to find coping mechanisms that mean my partner isn't unhappy, under pressure and a nervous wreck due to me having it. And if my ADHD behaviours were somehow contributing to me being mean to someone, it doesn't make it any more acceptable or mean they should stay with me if they're unhappy with me.

Please please please take the advice that is being given to you here.

I wish that I had this kind of advice when I was 16. My partner didn't even have to love bomb me. I had no idea what a healthy relationship should look like. I had no self esteem or confidence. I would try to end the relationship and he would leave without a fuss but then I was terrified that it would be worse to be alone and beg him to come back. It took having kids for me to realise my worth and had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't have put up with him. I am still with him not only because we have kids but also because he and I had both been screwed up in the head from before we met and he has put up with just as much from me as I have from him. We are both much more stable now and try to do the best that we can but the memories of things that he has said and done in the past still hurts but as I forgave him and because I also put him through hell, I can't hold it against him and leave him now.
It's too late for me but please save yourself.

You will be OK on your own - honestly. You will find strength and purpose and have a happier life than with this vile man.

What you’ve caught there is a hobosexual. Throw the whole man away. Yes, the whole man.

The washing once a week is reason enough to remove this person from your life. It's so disrespectful on so many levels and really upsetting to read.

YANBU

“I guess I just want someone to love me. Someone who will stay with me and not leave me.” - you need to go on TikTok and Google “self concept” and work on your own. I know that feeling, but this man is not worth your time, effort and love..!! You are worth so much more

“I guess I just hope that the man he was will come back.” - this is never going to happen, because he was never really that person. The person he is now is who he really is, so if you don’t like him for who who really is, get shot of him immediately without delay, and work on your self concept.

“Maybe I've done something to change that? Maybe he's bored of me?” - I’ve seen a few comments of you blaming yourself. NEWSFLASH - it’s NOT YOU… it’s HIM! He’s the problem. He’s a selfish, lazy, smelly bastard..!!

“Maybe she's got some mental struggles that I'm too dumb to recognise and help him with.” - that isn’t an excuse to treat you the way he has. He’s taking complete advantage of you.

So what if you’ve lost weight, if he loved you and really appreciated you for all the things you do for him he’d make more of an effort… Red flags all over the spot hun… RUN

Kick him TF out

Have you ever heard of someone stopping washing because of someone else’s actions?

I mean this kindly - get a grip!

you deserve better

Also, with his reaction he sounds fucking unhinged… please let us know you are ok.

If you don’t want the confrontation either call the police to remove him, or the next time you know he’ll be out for a few hours - pack all his bags, get the locks changed and place the bags outside for him to collect

Girl what? Read that all aloud and sit and rethink. He was a loving partner for 1 month. You've been a loving partner with zero reciprocity or initiate from his part for 23 months. You've literally got less than 5% of your effort back when both of you should be giving a decent 50-90% every day or at least every week!
He's not your partner. He's your charity project, or your exploiter.
Either he goes to see a GP and a therapist ASAP for undiagnosed depression or you dump him. That's beyond ridiculous, sorry.

This is one of the saddest threads I have read on Mumsnet.
My best friend had a very similar experience to you OP and I can’t tell you how important it is that you get out now. It still makes me so sad and angry thinking about what she went through.

She was love bombed from the start and by month 3 they had moved in together, despite me recognising the love bombing and telling her what it is, she had low self esteem and wanted the validation of having a boyfriend. His behaviour changed very quickly to very similar to your boyfriends but also more emotionally abusive, doing things and saying things to bring her down, calling her chubby, trying to cut her off from friends and family etc. And these were only the things she told us he was doing, it was actually even worse!
After about a year she knew she needed to get rid and it took another 6 months for her to fully do so.
When she told him to get out he reacted like your boyfriend, angrily. He then quickly switched tactic and started love bombing her again. For months he tried to win her back in different ways only for his behaviour to go back to being awful after a week.

Please prepare yourself for this OP and have a plan because he likely will try to win you back and you need to stay strong.

In the end my friend got a new phone and number, new email address, moved to her mums for a few months until he stopped showing up at her house. She also contacted police who advised a restraining order. She told his mum this would happen if he didn’t stop bombarding her and I think then his mum helped to stop him contacting her.

At the same time my friend went to a sex and relationships councillor. It’s the best thing she ever did. They helped her work on her self esteem and understand herself more, as well as what she needs in a relationship. Two years on from this she’s in a happy, healthy relationship with a guy who treats her really well.

It will be hard OP but you have to get him out of your house and go no contact, block him on everything. Yes you will be alone for a few months but you need to learn to be alone and happy in yourself. You don’t mention friends or family but if you can, use them for support. There is more detail I could give on my friends story but it’s too long already! Just please get out now.

A partner doesn’t fill a hole or gap in you, they build onto what you already have in life. Love yourself, get therapy and stick to your guns, even when it’s hard and he’s telling you everything you want to hear.
You are better off without this man, I promise.

There are loads of men who would go for a desperate to have someone person. I think you're safe to let this one go and find someone who will shower at least weekly

He tried hard for one month, sucked you in and sat back with his feet up. He's got it made and he's taken you for a mug. You deserve someone who is going to make at least a bit of an effort for you. Your current man isn't doing that and he's not suddenly going to start doing after 23 months.

You do sound like you have very low self esteem. But the sounds of it that has been caused by this relationship and the anxiety regarding whether he appreciates you or not/whether he will suddenly ‘snap out of it’ or not and start acting differently. You don’t sound compatible, you sound like you need someone supportive and romantic and affectionate…and he sounds like he’s ambivalent at best. Time to think of yourself- you’re only 30!- and move on to something better

OP - never for a minute blame yourself. That’s a number one mistake. Just because someone may become less attracted to you (which I doubt is the case), that does not give excuse to a lack of effort ALL ROUND. Not showering is not an excuse! However, I would say he isn’t only neglecting you, but also himself. Maybe there is more to it, such as his mental health.
Please don’t blame yourself though, or your weight or anything like that!
I think it’s super easy to just say dump him - but you sound like you want this to work. It’s also not giving you both a chance to resolve this increasing distance between yourselves.
Sit him down and have a chat about everything. Be completely honest and vulnerable, there may be more to it than you’re seeing. Then take it from there

You're wasting your time. There are good men out there and you deserve a good man but you won't find him while you're staying with this piece of shit. He's already grinding you down, made a mess of your self esteem.

It's not you, it's him, and it's time for him to go.

Sit him down and have a chat about everything. Be completely honest and vulnerable, there may be more to it than you’re seeing.

She tried that. It didn't go well.

OP, you need to dump this creep pronto. The thing that troubles me more than him though is you. You sound as though you are posting from the 1950's. You are cooking, cleaning, buying him his favourite treats and generally being subservient in the hope of a small crumb of affection. Is this a cultural thing perhaps? Either way, kick him and his unwashed penis out of your home now.

You can have a relationship without living together you know, after 2 years I'm still at the meeting twice a week stage. Does he pay towards bills and food, do you need this money, could you get a lodger.

@Whatintheworldgirl ?

What’s his excuse for not showering before work. I’m surprised you even want to seduce him

Your house? Get him out!

Does he contribute to anything for your house like bills food etc? If you break up with him and he says you won’t ever see him again… surely that’s a good thing 🤷‍♀️ You need to have a bit more self worth, would you really rather have this smelly leech stay with you who it sounds brings nothing to the relationship over being alone and then potentially finding someone later down the line who will treat you as you deserve. You say you want him out your house then don’t sit watching him play Xbox go unplug it and tell him it’s over and he needs to leave cos while your letting him walk all over you he won’t willingly leave!!

😫apologies! I did not see OPs reply about her conversation with him!
ignore my comment about speaking to him then. You’ve done what you can, bin him. Now might be time to suggest some space for you both to “think”. Let him cool off separately from you and then break it to him you’d like to separate and ask him to take his things and leave. Tell him you won’t be in when he does so either, save yourself more abuse from him.