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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU feeling like his mum.

189 replies

Whatintheworldgirl · 22/11/2023 14:38

I've (F30) been with my partner(M28) for two years. He was so romantic and loving and thoughtful when we got together. I had never experienced such effort. That only lasted a month or so though and since then I've been desperately praying it'll come back. I'll do things daily to try and show him love and support. I get up and make him his coffee every morning. I then wake him up. Make him his lunch for work with love notes. Clean the house and cook the dinners. Fund his vaping and give him massages. I treat him to gifts all the time and do my best to build him up.

Now I'm not silly, I know no ones is perfect and I've been quite poorly for over a year so I've lost a lot of weight and I don't 'dress up' all the time so I can understand if he's not feeling sexually physical towards me all the time but its always me who has to 'seduce' him. Make the effort to dress up. I bathe and shave and exfoliate every single day. He doesn't even shower anymore. I'm lucky if he does once a week. He doesn't show me any attention, he's just on his laptop working all the time. He's a jeweller so he's chatting to clients. I don't want to be a bitch and ask for attention even know in all honestly I'd like even just a little bit but perhaps I'm at the point where i need to just walk away. He lives in my house so perhaps it's time for me to ask him to go back to his mums. Would you be bothered with this behaviour? Or do I sound like a brat?

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 23/11/2023 00:01

Ask him once more to leave. Get a friend or family member to sit in another room whilst you do it if you feel scared. Otherwise you ask him to leave and remind him that if he refuses you will call the police to remove him. Make sure your phone is on you and fully charged at all times.

You can do this. You need to do this. You will never blossom or be happy with him in your life.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 23/11/2023 00:07

Glad you have found your anger.

Are you worried about making him leave? Call the police if you’re scared.

Codlingmoths · 23/11/2023 00:09

pack up the Xbox and take it to his mums and tell him to take the rest of his stuff and follow it. Honestly, next time don’t do so much for a man and don’t move them in so fast. If he is depressed, it certainly isn’t your fault! He can leave and see how it is to be depressed without having you do absolutely everything for him as well as dressing up to be sexy.

BowlOfNoodles · 23/11/2023 00:10

I've one question are you funding much more than the vapes for this romance scammer

Moonshine5 · 23/11/2023 00:16

ManateeFair · 22/11/2023 15:17

No, he's just a cunt.

Show quote history

This x 1 million

Armychefbethebest · 23/11/2023 00:18

Awww op I really feel for you. Firstly no this is not your fault that he is this wY, you sound like a natural caring, loving person looking to be loved and seeking that validation from someone? The man you saw in the first month did NOT exist sweetheart it wasn't him in the first place he likely picked up on your weaknesses and said and did all the right things. They say that you don't know someone for 1-2 years when you live together. THIS IS THE REAL HIM. I'm glad you've posted on here you know somethings not right and again I will reiterate it is not you. In 5 years my partner still tells me I love beautiful when I look like pure shit after a run of nights and I'm dressed in my jamas with hair all over that is love a mutual partnership. Not one where you are constantly questioning yourself because of your partners actions I have also been there and it got worse to the point where I scraped the last bit of self respect I had and did a midnight flit to escape. Please at the ment find some strength to leave this "man" send him back to mum. Then some work on you your self esteem and a good long think about what it is you expect from a partner, I bet it trumps the reality of the scraps from this Prince. I genuinely wish you well op good luck and I hope I read one day you've ditch the prick and you have found the fire in your belly again xx

whitebreadjamsandwich · 23/11/2023 00:18

Send him home to his mums tomorrow. Change the locks. Block the dirty smelly toads number. Live your life

Ladyluck22 · 23/11/2023 00:19

Time to ask him to leave. I’ve been very poorly the last 14 months and have a central line coming out of my neck and my husband still loving towards me and makes me feel attractive and wanted. You need to ask him to go he’s not the one. Hope you feel better soon.

LovelyBranches · 23/11/2023 00:25

I used to live with a DP who was a bit like yours, and I used to have the song Foundations by Kate Nash playing in my head almost constantly by the end, and the line ‘oh god I hope I’m not stuck with this one’ might have actually saved my life.

Word of warning, just as I started to see how shit my ex DP was, he started realising he was losing a good thing and at first he got really angry about it, but then decided to hint that he was about to propose. Thank god I dumped him because I could really have been stuck with him. Be careful that you aren’t love bombed into getting back with this man after you get him out of your house.

You need to treat yourself with the same love and kindness you show him, you’ve clearly not been supported and you’ve poured from an empty cup, time to live for yourself.

RantyAnty · 23/11/2023 00:55

Yes get this grubby cocklodger out of your house.
Change the locks.

That first month of nice was all an act to suck you in so he can use you.

The 23 months is the real him. Dirty, mean, lazy

TheSandgroper · 23/11/2023 00:59

I’ve just reread your original post. He is in YOUR house. Sitting in his arse playing x-box.

He has no rights. Tell him to leave. Start throwing his clothes out of the window if you have to. And remember to include his clothes in the dirty clothes basket. Call the police if you have to.

And then change your sheets before you get into the bed.

Never seeing him again won’t hurt you at all.

Canisaysomething · 23/11/2023 01:05

It sounds like you are dating a lazy slob who made a bit of an effort in the beginning to reel you in. Get him in the bin.

Mugaloaf · 23/11/2023 01:08

I really hope you're going to get rid. You deserve so much better than this manipulative, controlling, selfish pig.

If anybody makes you question yourself, they're not the person for you.

therealcookiemonster · 23/11/2023 01:11

@Whatintheworldgirl no adult human who is dirty by choice has any self respect. People shower because hygiene you know and because it feels lovely. any dirty slob who sits in your house and plays on his xbox needs to leave. you basically got yourself a teenage son!

he said those things so you let him stay. he has a good thing going here. he has no respect for you. he should go back to mummy because that's the only woman who will probably tolerate him.

the longer you leave it to throw it out, the more he will reel you in. especially as you've been unwell. get him out ASAP.

Jazzicatz · 23/11/2023 02:21

Is this a joke? Why are you wasting your time, get rid and spend some time on your confidence so that you don’t date another loser.

coxesorangepippin · 23/11/2023 02:43

Exfolianting for this guy? Wtf

Rightsraptor · 23/11/2023 04:23

Your boyfriend is what's known around here as a cocklodger. You need to get rid of him ASAP.

Angelsrose · 23/11/2023 04:31

Please get rid today @Whatintheworldgirl . Your unhygienic partner is really taking the mick and has to leave immediately. Do not delay the inevitable, he has to go. Being alone is way better than what you describe. Good luck.

Mothership4two · 23/11/2023 04:31

So I tried to talk to him about it. It turned into a blazing row. He then threw a few horrible words my way. Basically saying I was easy and should go a shag someone else. Then that if I broke up with him I would never see him again. He wouldn't chase me. All this stuff that I never expected to hear from him. It's like venom in his eyes. I want him to leave. I feel like I want to be on my own but weirdly what he's said has now made me scared. Like I don't want to be alone. So I'm questioning myself. Anyway, we have sat in the same room for 2 hours now while he's playing his Xbox and not talking to me. I just want him out of my house 😭

Then ask him to leave - you could say you need some space so go back to your mums for a bit if you think he will be nasty if you say you want him gone for good. Then don't let him back! He is manipulating you. Once he is not there to influence/exploit you, you will probably be able to see him for what he is more clearly. He has managed to scare you into thinking about living alone which would frankly be a massive improvement on how you live now. You are basically living alone but sharing your space with a disrespectful slob.

Gillypie23 · 23/11/2023 05:25

His being kind and thoughtful only lasted a month. After that turned into a selfish smelly slob.
You decided to stay with him and let him move in with you!
Kick his arse out.

Baffledandalarmed · 23/11/2023 05:39

Whatintheworldgirl · 22/11/2023 15:07

He tells me he's too tired from work to shower 😭

Show quote history

what bollocks. He’s not tired he’s lazy.

I went through a period about a year ago of doing 12hr days at work (+ 4 hours commuting door to door). I did it for about two months. I was literally out the house for 16hrs a day. I STILL managed to shower every day.

I'll do things daily to try and show him love and support. I get up and make him his coffee every morning. I then wake him up. Make him his lunch for work with love notes. Clean the house and cook the dinners. Fund his vaping and give him massages.

But, this ^ is the problem. You act like his skivvy not his partner. Do that stuff if you want to - not to try and buy his love. Stand up for yourself and tell him to move out. He’s taking the piss and sees you as his skivvy.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 23/11/2023 05:45

Of course it's not your fault!!! He acted nice for the bare minimum of time he thought was necessary to hook you in, and now he thinks he's got you where he wants you (pandering to his every need), he's stopped bothering. He just wanted a domestic servant. The fact that you are so reasy to find some fault in yourself to blame for this is very sad, and frankly worrying in terms of you falling prey to other men like this in the future.

justwanttoquit · 23/11/2023 06:30

Please, get out now. It's nothing to do with you. You are doing nothing wrong. Trust me, he will not change. He has taken advantage of you mentally. For whatever reason, you are vulnerable mentally. He's loved bombed you and now has you hooked. Has you thinking it's all your fault cause you aren't x, y or z. This is how my husband acted and still does. I'm now trapped with 4 kids, 3 of whom are disabled, in a house he owns, not enough income to move out and no support to help if I did. I spent many, many years, thinking, like you, it's my fault, cause I wasn't attractive enough etc. So again, please get out.

Takenobull · 23/11/2023 06:34

Sounds to me like you’ve got some serious work to do on your own self esteem before you start any other relationship.
Kick this loser to the curb and start loving yourself. Get yourself some counselling and build your self respect before expecting anyone else to love and respect you.
Only then will the right person come along.
(said with love)

Autieangel · 23/11/2023 06:50

Hope your ok. Tell him to leave this morning. I can tell you now there is a strong possibility he will panic (because he knows he has a good thing going on) and start to love bomb you again, he will apologise, shower you with compliments and promise to be better.
This will not last
This will not last
This will not last
He will go back to what he was at the start you will be ecstatic and about a week later he will get comfortable and you will be back to living with a lazy smelly arse hole. Don't fall for it. If you let him back you are telling him it's ok to treat you like shit.

He's not doing this because you gained weight or because your not interesting enough. He's doing it because he can. Forget about looks/body shape. You deserve to be with someone who treats you nicely and respectfully, does his share in the house and has basic hygiene.

I'd spend sometime being single and working on your esteem so next time you date you know worth. And next time be wary of someone who seems perfect. And if you don't like their true colours dump them before they move in.