AIBU feeling like his mum.

[Whatintheworldgirl]

I've (F30) been with my partner(M28) for two years. He was so romantic and loving and thoughtful when we got together. I had never experienced such effort. That only lasted a month or so though and since then I've been desperately praying it'll come back. I'll do things daily to try and show him love and support. I get up and make him his coffee every morning. I then wake him up. Make him his lunch for work with love notes. Clean the house and cook the dinners. Fund his vaping and give him massages. I treat him to gifts all the time and do my best to build him up.

Now I'm not silly, I know no ones is perfect and I've been quite poorly for over a year so I've lost a lot of weight and I don't 'dress up' all the time so I can understand if he's not feeling sexually physical towards me all the time but its always me who has to 'seduce' him. Make the effort to dress up. I bathe and shave and exfoliate every single day. He doesn't even shower anymore. I'm lucky if he does once a week. He doesn't show me any attention, he's just on his laptop working all the time. He's a jeweller so he's chatting to clients. I don't want to be a bitch and ask for attention even know in all honestly I'd like even just a little bit but perhaps I'm at the point where i need to just walk away. He lives in my house so perhaps it's time for me to ask him to go back to his mums. Would you be bothered with this behaviour? Or do I sound like a brat?

Sounds like he love bombed you. Re read your post YOU put all effort in yet YOU dont feel good enough and thats because he puts in no effort No appreciation and makes you feel not good enough

Remove the parasite from your property. If he refuses, call the police to remove him.

Do not go near another man until you have done extensive therapy and work on your standards and self esteem. This minger should never have been accepted into your life to begin with, it’s disturbing how skewed your thinking is and how you don’t understand bare, bare minimum basic, fundamental standards.

I really don't understand why you are in a relationship with him. Can you explain what you get out of this relationship? Care, affection, emotional support, financial support, fun, pleasure, attention?

Also, just re-read what you do- you have lost your sense of balance. It's not normal to do all of this all the time. You are behaving like some sort of maid to him. You're certainly not behaving like his mum who I doubt 'bathes, shaves and exfoliates every day' for him.

Chuck him out and never speak to him again. You've lost your self-esteem. He's not someone who any woman should be in a relationship with. He's moved into your home and is treating you like a maid.

Christ, why do women still feel they have to baby the men in their lives. Is it the 1950s still?

No one needs love notes in their lunchbox btw. Also, he can make his own lunch.

You sound like you're a bit scared of him after that row. Is there anyone you can ask to be with you when you ask him to leave? Might make things easier.

He’s not right for you. He uses women for an easy life- first his mum now you. When you send him back to his mum I bet she’ll be devastated after having had her life back for the past few years.

He brings absolutely nothing good to your life.
you deserve so much more. Get him out and get help if you need.
then maybe look for a good counsellor to support you moving forward.

Tell him to leave. By letting him stay there you're accepting this behaviour. He thinks he can manipulate you to stay. He has no intention of changing and what a horrible life that would be for you. Tell him to leave, A weight will be lifted from your shoulders.

Your bar is so low you could step over it. Either leave or give him the boot. The suggestions that he's got MH issues are nonsense. He's downright idle and complacent.

Then look at ways to improve your self esteem.

Please let us know you're ok.

If you can get a friend /relation to be with you, demand he leaves your home.

Take his keys and book a locksmith tomorrow to change locks. Install a doorcam.

The suggestions that he's got MH issues are nonsense. He's downright idle and complacent

I agree. Even if he DID have MH issues, thats no excuse to verbally abuse people and treat them like absolute shit- there is zero excuse for that, we all have choices. Absolutely noone is obliged to put up with that. Also, funny how those issues miraculously werent there when he was snaking his way into your life isnt it? This is 100% deliberate and its completely toxic.

Be glad he got angry & showed you his true colours, rather than panicking that he was going to lose the woman who not only tolerates his shitty behaviour, but bends over backwards to look after him, because he could have tried to love bomb you all over again, with promises that he'll change.
He may well try that once he realises you're serious about wanting him gone - you are, aren't you? - but I sincerely hope he never again traps a vulnerable woman - your low self-esteem makes you an easy target - & he has to rely on his mother to enable his lifestyle & pathetic behaviour.

Don't over think it.

It's not working.

End it. Move on.

I reckon he got abusive rather than say-anything-to-keep-you because he knows he has worn you down & wouldn't dare leave him. He knows fine well how much effort you make to keep him happy whilst he needs to do nothing, not even wash ffs, & he doesn't think you're strong enough to kick him out.

Have you told him to leave OP? I really hope so.

Don’t waste any more time on him, life is too short. He won’t change, he love bombed you in the beginning and once he got his feet under the table the real him came out, this is going to be your life going forwards unless you do something about it. You’ve already began the process of doing so by challenging him, he didn’t like being challenged or made to account for his behaviour hence the attack on you.
Keep that in your mind and tell him to leave, don’t waver if he says he’ll change, he won’t or if he does it won’t last.

@Whatintheworldgirl
All the things you list that you do to try and keep him happy, you don't have to do any of them. Not for a selfish wasteman cocklodger abuser, nor for the next partner or anybody else ever!
Yes it is NICE to treats one's partner, but.... there should be give and take.
The man in your house is a taker. He has never truly been a giver. Sadly he saw your vulnerability and latched on like a leech and has been draining you ever since.
I really hope with all the support here and hopefully support right there with you (family, friends, police) you have your leech removed today. The wound will take a while to heal and I strongly suggest some counselling if you're able to.
Keep safe and stay out of the pond with leeches in it

Get rid of him asap. He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you, he is just using you as you are acting like his servant.

This. Gross.

But then I think anyone who doesn't bath or shower everyday and who vapes are gross anyway.

Bloody hell, have a word with yourself. What on earth were you taught growing up that makes you think this is all your fault ? You have been ill and are still acting as his housekeeper. He doesn't make an effort because he doesn't have to, he knows you will run after him like a puppy.
You need to get rid of him and get yourself some self respect, you really do. Remember this is 2023 not 1923

OP, surely alone is better than this.

I get that alone can be scary, that you're worried you'll be starved of affection, of love, of companionship or intimacy.

But you're not getting any of those things now either. All you've got is a leech draining you of your self respect.

At least if you're alone you've got the opportunity of meeting someone, right now all your effort is going into a man who can't even be bothered to wash.

Please fucking kick him out, your life will be immediately improved.

He has targetted you because he knows you’re soft and would struggle to kick him out. Do you have someone male like a father or brother who can be there when you tell him to leave?
The nasty words that you’re hearing is the real him. He doesn’t love you or care about your feelings and knows where your insecurities lie.

That first month he was wearing a mask.

The one you needed to see for him to manipulate you into doing what he wanted - to replace his mother.

As soon as he secured the place to live, job done. Mask off.

The not washing - that is vile. Shows zero care or respect for you.

So it's time to start looking at your vision for your life, your future.

What do you want?

Do you have a picture in your mind of the kind of life and relationship you want and deserve? Look at it. Is it this? I doubt it.

Is it possible to achieve that?

Well, you've tried and tried to get across to him how you feel, what you need.

It's irrelevant, doesn't matter, because he's got what he wanted. And he isn't prepared to do one damn thing to change what he's doing.

He's fine. You're not. That's not fair.

If that were me, I'd be telling him I wasn't happy with the relationship or his contribution and effort to make it thrive.

I'd be asking him to move back to his mother's.

I think you'd benefit from some support building your self esteem back up. You're worth it.

This man is a parasite.

He is dirty.

He is aggressive and abusive.

You deserve SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Do you have any backup? Father, brothers, colleagues, neighbours, friends? Anyone who you trust and can be with you? Yes, men.

This is your home.

Research local locksmiths - get the locks changed. It's not his property, he isn't your lodger. He's there with former permission that you've withdrawn.

There’s only 2 possible options here:

1. you're trolling
2. he has ADHD. I discovered my husband had ADHD one night when I googled in desperation; “why does it feel like a parent and child dynamic?”

Fundamentally, some parts of ADHD brains don’t mature past childhood.

there are lots of other things that hint to ADHD:
the initial love and attention is hyper-focus
relying in you to pay the rent and his vices
inconsistency to something basic like hygiene (in his case showering)