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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband always late, can't take much more

434 replies

Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 22:10

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 21/11/2023 22:11

What is he late for? Can you give some examples?

HungryandIknowit · 21/11/2023 22:11

It's difficult to comment without some more information. Do you have examples?

Original poster
Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 22:14

Sorry. He's late for everything and anything. Lunch with people, we've even missed a flight. Telling him an earlier time also won't help. At the moment I'm a SAHM and my mental health is in the toilet, I have put my LO in nursery for a few mornings a week to be able to have some space and time to myself and have requested that he be out of the house by 9.30am so I can have a breather to try and get myself back on track, but he's not managed this even once. I feel like I'm going insane.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 21/11/2023 22:14

When you say hours, you are not being unreasonable at all. If you give any ultimatum, then you have to stick to it.

AutumnCrow · 21/11/2023 22:16

Is he late for work? Is he leaving the house late to go into his job?

coxesorangepippin · 21/11/2023 22:16

God I'd have no time for this

He's an adult, and needs to behave like one

BrendaBicycle · 21/11/2023 22:18

Does he work? Can he stick to working hours or is he late for work, work meetings etc too?

WeightWhat · 21/11/2023 22:18

It’s not really clear how he holds down a job?

Sympathies - it sounds very dysfunctional.

JettyB123 · 21/11/2023 22:19

I've had this problem for the last 20 years. I often lie and tell him things start earlier than they actually do just to get places on time. He's like having a third child. His parents are exactly the same though so it's like a learnt behaviour.
I also threatened to leave him once because of it (before we got married) because I told him it's like he feels like his time is more important than mine. He's amazing in many other ways and amazing with the kids so I have just started to get used to it over the years.
What's he doing when he's faffing about? Is he on time for his work and meeting his friends etc?

JaneAustensHeroine · 21/11/2023 22:19

How does he feel about being late?

How does he respond to it and does he see it as a problem?

Is this due to lack of organisation or other factors?

Original poster
Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 22:20

Quite honestly, I wonder how he keeps his job given he must turn up at 10am or after, but I guess with flexi working no one cares or at least hasn't said anything. I feel its petty, but how hard is it really?? It is also making me start to lose respect for him, well I probably have lost respect now. I just find it pathetic

OP posts:
Original poster
Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 22:22

Trying to answer everyone, he just take FOREVER to get anything done, he's so slow. I think when I was working I wasn't home to see it so didn't realise (Also I'm sure its worse). But now basically I see this every morning and its annoying me so much. In the time it takes for me to unload the dishwasher, get dressed, make LO breakfast and lunch he would've probably made a coffee. I find it pathetic :(

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 21/11/2023 22:24

does he get up late or does he just massively faff around, what is the reason for it?

Do you have to be tied down by his lateness in this way? Can't you just go about your day and if he's not ready go without him, or just get on with what you're doing?

ayegazumba · 21/11/2023 22:24

SAME! We have huge arguments about it. I find it so incredibly selfish. I've told him I'll never be ok with it so he needs to stop getting angry with me for telling him to hurry up. The only way for that to stop is for him to be on time. I feel like I spend my life waiting for him. I feel your pain and completely understand how it can get to this point. I think it's your anger at the underlying selfishness of it.

lesdeluges · 21/11/2023 22:29

That old nugget, ADHD or similar going on maybe? I don't wish to label him or anyone, but some with the condition can be disorganised, start something and not finish it, be late etc. you get the drift. I know one personally and he is quite similar, has a diagnosis though.

But it could be just thoughtlessness and whatnot. But it would drive me mad too.

Original poster
Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 22:29

@ayegazumba thats it exactly, I feel I am wasting my life waiting for him. It has just hit me recently. I drop my LO at nursery at 8.45, then I 'waste' some time and come home at 9.30 hoping to come home to an empty house. Yet there's been at least one day every week where he's still here and I guess that's why I feel like it's driving me crazy. He knows its impacting my mental health and I really need time for myself, yet he can't seem to do it.

OP posts:
Trixibella · 21/11/2023 22:29

Could be time blindness. Is he indecisive? Easily distracted? My niece is completely unable to judge the passing of time and it’s infuriating. She isn’t capable of it. Always an hour late to everything but can’t explain what she was doing.

Elvis1956 · 21/11/2023 22:31

He isn't late. He is a faffer. My father was a late person, because he would end up chatting or doing a job that he hadn't told us about. You husband just cannot organise himself
My mum and I learnt to manage dad and accepted him for being busy at times without communication(pre mobiles he died 25+ years ago)
You will never change your husband. He will need to change himself but I doubt he will because it doesn't effect him...He gets away with it

saffronsoup · 21/11/2023 22:31

I think it is unreasonable to give him times he isn’t allowed to be in his own home. Same as if he gave you times you were not to be in the house as he wanted it to himself.

I would suggest you return to work. He irritated you less and your daughter is in nursery anyways. His resentment is going to grow if he is the only one taking on financial responsibility for the family and he is paying for nursery and you don’t want him in the house as you want it all to yourself.

sweetpickle23 · 21/11/2023 22:33

Is he NT? My ADHD causes me to be late a lot, I just can’t keep good time.

mynameiscalypso · 21/11/2023 22:34

I am also married to a faffer and it drives me mad but I'm not sure you can dictate what time he leaves in the morning if he doesn't have to be in the office by a set time.

Thyroidlady · 21/11/2023 22:35

Has he always been like this? Could he have adhd or another condition that has ADHD behaviour as a symptom? (E.g hypothyroidism). Does he care? I mean does he attempt to make it on time but just never actually happens or is it just a he doesn’t actually care what time things are and will just go at his own pace regardless? You say it doesn’t matter if you say things are earlier so I assume it’s the latter and he doesn’t actually try to be on time?

Very frustrating for you OP.

Original poster
Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 22:35

The worse is that he seems to be trying. I'm embarrassed to say, but he is now getting up at 6.45 ... so basically he takes about 3 hours to get ready for work. This is in the weekends too if we are going somewhere. I can't believe this is my life.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/11/2023 22:37

Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 22:29

@ayegazumba thats it exactly, I feel I am wasting my life waiting for him. It has just hit me recently. I drop my LO at nursery at 8.45, then I 'waste' some time and come home at 9.30 hoping to come home to an empty house. Yet there's been at least one day every week where he's still here and I guess that's why I feel like it's driving me crazy. He knows its impacting my mental health and I really need time for myself, yet he can't seem to do it.

Why is it impacting your mental health that your husband is still in your home when you get back? Can't you go and have a bath or something? Seems so odd and unkind to kick him out.

LizzieSiddal · 21/11/2023 22:37

Gosh he sounds dreadful. This has got more to do with his faffing than “just” his lateness. I presume he knows about your mental health problems and he’s doing fuck all to help you. Why are you having to do absolutely every in the morning for the baby, whilst he faffs about? It’s his child too! If he can hang about all morning until after 9.30 he has plenty of time to be doing his fair share.

Tell him you can’t cope anymore and he needs to step up. Make a list of all the things you are doing in the mornings, including looking after the baby, and ask him which ones he’s going to do every morning.