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Original poster

Husband always late, can't take much more

434 replies

Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 22:10

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

OP posts:
YouBringLightIn · 21/11/2023 23:08

arethereanyleftatall · 21/11/2023 23:02

I think the main problem is that you don't like him.

Yes I think this is the crux of it.
Being late and faffing are really frustrating, but ultimately you can leave without him for things and so on.
It's annoying that he's in the house when you want to be alone, but equally if you're a SAHM then presumably he doesn't get much regular time alone in the house either?
I think the big problem is you don't like him and you don't want to be with him- your rage (from simply reading your post, obviously I don't know the whole picture) feels really disproportionate to the problem.
I'm sorry to say indont think there's much coming back from this.

theleafandnotthetree · 21/11/2023 23:09

Christmaste · 21/11/2023 23:01

I think you need to chill out.

He’s not late for work, and so what if he’s home when you are? It’s his house too.

If he’s late for something, leave without him. Why does it take him 3 hours to get ready for work, what’s he actually doing? If he does nothing to help you, what does he do that takes 3 hours?!

Yeah let's everyone chill out and just do whatever the fuck we want and who cares how it affects other people.

And can you not see that the unhappiness and frustration experienced by the OP is precisely because SHE can't understand why it takes him three hours to get ready. Imagine watching that every morning? My blood pressure is rising just thinking of it.

AutumnCrow · 21/11/2023 23:15

I think you need to chill out.

He’s not late for work, and so what if he’s home when you are? It’s his house too.

I was thinking about the hours.

They have a two year old child.

Husband spends 3 hours in the morning simply getting a coffee, putting clothes on and leaving a house. All for himself.

Starting work at 10am means he won't leave till around 6, maybe later.

When he gets home OP will have already borne the brunt of the child rearing tasks (bath, book, bed), probably cooked dinner, probably done a load more things for their home and their child. She says she bears the brunt of the housework. He's not there for all this. He's opting out. He's failing to participate in his own child's life. He's showing no love toward his wife.

MrsMorrisey · 21/11/2023 23:17

There was a thread about a woman a while back who walked slowly everywhere.
I wonder if this husband has the same motives.

AutumnCrow · 21/11/2023 23:21

MrsMorrisey · 21/11/2023 23:17

There was a thread about a woman a while back who walked slowly everywhere.
I wonder if this husband has the same motives.

What were hers?

Original poster
Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 23:21

@AutumnCrow Yes he comes home about 7, so either I am putting LO to sleep (I don't ask him to do this as he's been at work) or LO is already in bed. So Mon-Fri because he works he does nothing. In the weekend its probably about 50/50 (although the first year I also did everything as I felt that was my 'job', until I basically couldn't take it anymore).

And to the other posters, yes I suppose I don't like him that much anymore. Every now and then there is a glimmer, but its getting harder and harder to feel love (or even any like) anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 23:27

This relationship is doomed isn't it. I think I have my answer.

Truly, thank you. Its hard to even talk about as I feel embarrassed about the situation and really the answer is: a) suck it up - which I don't think I can anymore b) talk to him, which I have and nothing changes or c) leave

Just being able to talk here has helped in that it has allowed me to process my thoughts somewhat

OP posts:
Teenagehorrorbag · 21/11/2023 23:28

Totally agree about labels, but it really sounds like ADHD (or ADD). DS (15) is incapable of hurrying. He wouldn't get to school on time of he had to leave home and walk there by himself. It's several miles so I drive, but I always have to say - have you got x,y and z? Often no. I point out he has ten minutes left so can't have more toast he needs to clean his teeth. He just says 'OK don't shout' - when I am not shouting at all, just instructing. I can't see how he will ever cope in a job in the real world.

He is organised and makes lists and does everything he has to the night before - but he can't speed up. The other day he asked for more toast and I said he had time if he got a move on. He went upstairs! I cut him some bread and put it in the toaster - when he came down he said he'd remembered something he had to get from upstairs. I said 'wouldn't it have made sense to put the toast on and then get the thing while you were waiting'? His brain just doesn't work like that.

I then said - why don't you put your shoes on while you are waiting for the toast? So he did. But he would never have thought of that himself. It's a whole different thought process, and very frustrating. But it may well be that your DH has this, rather than learnt behaviours from youth (although one of his parents may well have had the condition too). Either way, I sympathise....

Mylovelygreendress · 21/11/2023 23:29

You mentioned earlier that you missed a flight ? What happened there ?
I actually ended a friendship with someone who was constantly late . I ( and others ) had conversations with her but she seemed to treat it as a bit of a joke “ oh I am always late, ha ha”.
Anyway , 4 of us booked a city break . Faffer friend was told in no uncertain terms when she was being picked up , check in time , flight time etc .
She wasn’t ready . We waited half an hour then left telling her to get a taxi to airport . She missed the flight , kicked off at us , demanded money back etc etc .
Never Again.

justasking111 · 21/11/2023 23:31

Even when you do split up, you'll be sharing custody so will be frustrated by this behaviour for many more years.

OhwhyOY · 21/11/2023 23:39

It doesn't answer your long term issue but re nursery and him still being around in the morning could you put her in for afternoons instead? Hopefully he can make it to work for lunchtime 😆

MrsElsa · 21/11/2023 23:40

He's leaving late so he can stay late at work and miss the dinner/bedtime work. Do you put dinner on the table for him every night? Pack that shit in.

He should be dropping LO at nursery on his way to work.

Stop seething and just tell him what to do. You resent him so much already, what have you got to lose!

TeaGinandFags · 21/11/2023 23:41

If 5want him out of the house earlier adjust the clocks by 5 min increments. That should get him out on time. However doing do is the start of a one way slippery slope. There again you're already a single married woman.

Wrangle a week without him wherever to see if you actually miss him. That will tell you what you need to do. Or just give you a break. Meantime just organise thinks without him.

Original poster
Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 23:42

@Mylovelygreendress we missed the flight by about 2 mins so it meant we had to go on another flight and basically lost a day of our trip. We have also cut it close twice for two other flights. For casual things, its embarrassing if we're late meeting friends or family because its rude, and for appointments its stressful if we have somewhere to be because we're rushing. Even if it is something like ADHD, he does manage to make important work meetings, so he can do it. I'm just over it. Before it was annoying but tolerable, now its something else. I guess over time a (not so) little thing has become a big thing, and adding a child into the mix has exacerbated the issue.

OP posts:
WeightWhat · 21/11/2023 23:43

He needs ADHD meds and counselling to accept the role this plays in his life.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 21/11/2023 23:47

Give him an ultimatum.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/11/2023 23:48

ADHD

Dc are exactly the same. He may want to be assessed. All the replies castigating him - perhaps he is ND and can't help it.

SwedishSchnauzer · 21/11/2023 23:48

tell him to get an adhd assessment and medication or step up without intervention. It’s one of the other. Or the end.

Radiodread · 21/11/2023 23:50

Why are people so sure he has ADHD? Some people are just inconsiderate pricks without a diagnosis of any sort.

What I’m getting from the OP is someone who feels unheard, unseen, and whose needs are ignored. If he’d said, “oh hey, OP, I can see how you feel ground down and I absolutely hate the fact I’m always late, I’m so sorry”… that would be ok. But what he has done has ignored her, watched her struggle with their relationship, and a small child, and done exactly what he has always done. That isn’t love. That’s why she is at the end of her rope.

SwedishSchnauzer · 21/11/2023 23:53

Has he explained why he can be on time for work meetings but not on time in his personal life?

TomatoSandwiches · 21/11/2023 23:55

I would ask him to get an assessment because if he does have ADHD or is ND then he will need the diagnosis and help possibly medication to be an effective Co parent.
I do think this relationship is done though, you sound completely done, but before you leave make sure you try to get him to have an assessment, you won't be able to convince him after you leave.

Maxiedog123 · 21/11/2023 23:58

I'm one of those people who is often a bit late, like 15 minutes, because I'm poorly organised. It's been explained to me and I understand that it is disrespectful to others . So I try.

But up at 645 and can't get organised to leave the house by 0930. That's a whole different thing.
WTF is he actually doing in that time to not get ready. And not be able to contribute to his child's care either...

I can't understand how he remains employed if he is like this about getting things done at work. What type of work does he do?? Unless he does actually get it together at work because he cares enough to unlike at home......

SunsetApple · 21/11/2023 23:59

I feel your pain, OP. I have a close family member like this and it drives me nuts. She can never, ever be on time. She’s always ‘busy’ but doesn’t achieve what you’d think she would in all the time she spends doing stuff. She takes hours to cook the simplest dish, can’t leave an event without talking to everyone again that she’s talked to all evening, takes so long to make the coffee she offers you that it is cold by the time she pours it out and you are ready to leave by this stage. Everything always involves me hanging around somewhere waiting for her to turn up/do the thing she said she would do. I think she may well have undiagnosed ADHD and I love her but find her utterly frustrating.

SwedishSchnauzer · 22/11/2023 00:02

I must admit I started leaving without DH. I’d give him advance notice that we were meeting friends and leaving at 2pm on the dot. I’d tell him again at 1:50 I was leaving as I went out the door to wait in the car. At 2.01 I’d drive away without him and explain to him/friends that you don’t have the patience to hang around.

He could just set timers for himself