Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

I suppose its difficult to argue he's late if he works flexi time so effectively isn't actually late. Does he have any core hours he must be in work? Maybe then you could request nursery hours to fit that?
My husband works in our garden in his office (literally 30ft walk) and he's late everyday and he is meant to start at 9

You cannot change him. You cannot control him. You can only change and control yourself and how you react to it. You need to decide how that looks for you.

With the nursery and day time thing, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things?

My DM is like this. It is because of neurodiversity and mental health problems with my mum. Regardless, the result is that I do not make any plans with my mum that rely on her being anywhere at a specific time. So she doesn't do childcare. We don't have meals out together. We've never gone on holiday or trips together as adults. It's a shame. She is losing out especially now I've had kids. But that is just who she is and she won't change.

This is absolutely screaming time blindness (TPAD) and neurodiversity to me.

He may benefit from assuming that he has ADHD and looking up time passage awareness disorder coping methods. It sounds like he needs help, not impending divorce.

And that you do too. It's normal to be frustrated with this - it's not normal for it to be affecting your MH so badly. Xxx

I can relate to this as my DH is a bit like this but it doesn’t bother me. Just concentrate on you. If he’s still in the house when you get home what does it matter? Just carry on with what you wanted to do anyway. It sounds like you don’t really don’t like him much.

To cope with my DH I just get on with my life. I don’t nag him, I’m not his Mum if he’s late that’s his business. If we’re going out somewhere together I get myself ready and wait outside / in the car for him. We normally manage to get places on time just about! He’s definitely better than he used to be. He’s better if it’s our DC that need to be places for certain times he does manage it as he knows how stressed they get if they’re late. They’re older and have been upset in the past when he’s made them late.

As a recovering late person, he can definitely fix this, but it takes work every day, and thinking about it. I am still 'at risk' of being late all the time.

I think ask him if he really wants to sort this. He needs to think about what is stopping him being on time and how he thinks about time. For me it's a kind of terrible optimism - I find it almost impossible to believe that things will take the time they really do. Because I once got out of the house in ten minutes flat from bed to pavement, part of me believes i can do it every day. Because Google Maps thinks I'm 21, it tells me it will take 15 minutes to cycle across town, and part of me believes it.

If he has the same thing, he just has to live with that and override it.

He needs also to really believe that other people's time matters.

I actually really sympathise with your desperation to have time at home alone. But it's not a great sign for your relationship either. I hope he can do enough to stop you focusing on this so hard.

He’s not late for work though, he’s on flexi time so if he chooses to faff about that’s up to him. I think you are being very unreasonable demanding he leave the house before 9.30 particularly as he seems to manage it bar one day of the working week.

Well the kind of behaviour you describe is one of the main reasons I ended my marriage. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that it's persistence over years and years wore away at my love and affection, made me lose respect for him and also infuriated and often embarrassed me. It is no small thing. Every plan, every day had to take into account this aspect of his character and frankly by the end I couldn't have cared less what caused it, whether he had ADHD, poor executive functioning or was just a selfish prick, the effect was the same on me and on everybody. It continues to drive my children mad and I do feel sorry for then for having to navigate it without me being the grown up in the room. So I don't know the ins and outs of your marriage but I hear you about how serious this is. If he hasn't already, your husband needs to hear it too..

Sounds very annoying
My friends husband is like this, takes forever for him to do anything.
She is paralysed and in a wheelchair and just wants to get on with stuff and he takes such a long time to do the smallest thing. Very frustrating. I'm

I am married to a faffer. It is infuriating, but he does have many redeeming qualities so I don't feel as you do.

I put up with it for a while, but in the end I would just do what I needed to do, and if that meant I left the house without him, or went home without him then so be it.

He has got better in recent years, I think having a child helped, he took DS to school and various activities, so he had to be on time.

If he says he wants to change, then tell him he is now responsible for the nursery run on his way to work.

@LizzieSiddal this is exactly it and if I ask him to 'help' it will just take him longer to get ready so its a lose-lose for me. The more I read the replies and think about this ridiculous situation I realise there really is no hope. Thank you everyone. What a mess.

But surely you're getting the house to yourself from 9.30? I'm not disputing you're struggling but if half an hour with him at home in the morning is causing you so much distress, I think you have serious issues with your marriage.

@theleafandnotthetree this is exactly it, the slow erosion over time. You have articulated it so well, it makes me cry

It sounds like he has no respect for you. He knows his behaviour is causing you stress and upset but doesn’t appear to be doing anything to help you

He could put things in place to help him but sounds like he is just in a “this is the way I am deal with it” frame of mind. Not a great basis for a relationship

Could you put DD in of na afternoon so he isn't in during your alone time?##

Also OP I can identify with it getting/feeling worse when you have a child. I could just about handle my ex husband before - we did our own thing a lot of the time and I was especially independent. There were pinch points like having to be on time for events or flights but they were relatively infrequent so I could suck it up to a point. But having children together is a whole other ball of wax,. By its nature, you rely on each other and intersect far more and there is simply far more to do and to take care of. So what was annoying once a week can become annoying multiple times a day and that's when your own mental health can suffer because you feel angry and resentful. So for example previously if I had plans in the evening, I just went. But when you have a child you are relying on the other person to be home at X time. So you're stressing whether they will be, having to text friends to say you're delayed, going out to meet your friends filled with stress and resentment rather than in good form. It is very corrosive all round.

@SleepingStandingUp Yes, I do have serious issues in my marriage (the resentment which has built up since our child was born and him doing nothing and only stepping up when after a year I told him I would leave). Having a few hours for myself was a way I thought I would be able to get back to 'normal' without having to split up my family or go on anti-depressants or worse. It seems petty but this is what I have asked of him to help me get back on track and I guess why it hurts so much. I do realise to most it would seem a small thing, but its the constant disappointment of what seems a simple request

YABU. Maybe it doesn't matter for his job when he turns up. Telling him to leave the house before a certain time is extremely controlling.

It sounds to me as though he has ADHD.

When contempt sets in, I don't think there's any hope for a relationship. Not your fault, not his fault (you say he's really trying) just incompatibility. I would also find that level of incompetence a deal breaker, just no.

I think you need to chill out.

He’s not late for work, and so what if he’s home when you are? It’s his house too.

If he’s late for something, leave without him. Why does it take him 3 hours to get ready for work, what’s he actually doing? If he does nothing to help you, what does he do that takes 3 hours?!

I think the main problem is that you don't like him.

"Time Blindness: Symptoms, Cause, Tips" https://www.healthline.com/health/time-blindness

I agree my sons friend has this luckily he's self employed can work night and day. It's a very distressing condition for the sufferer, and family
@Dazedandfrazzled really needs to research this as does her partner. Knowledge is helpful for both of them.

I absolutely hear you and I think some people on this thread have no idea what it's like to live with someone who acts like this/is like this. His riding roughshod over what you are clearly telling him you need for your mental health - especially so when he has played a huge role in creating your unhappiness - is pretty terrible. I would say that even if he thinks the whole 'leave the house by X time' is a bit silly, he should still at least try his hardest to do it. There is a kind of complacency at least and contempt at worst in people who are so cavalier with other peoples time. People talk about you being controlling- in my experience it is the faffers and terrible time keepers who have much more control in terms of the dynamics of a house, and rarely in a positive way.

have you tried leaving without him? ie if you're going for lunch or to an event or something, leave his ticket with his wallet and just go, he can get himself there.

I really can't stand this kind of behaviour and can't bear a pfaffer - I'm impatient anyway - and have spent years managing my husband to be where we need to be at the time we're supposed to be there.

Having said that ..... I do know someone who suffered cognitive, memory and processing issues following a viral disease, who makes my husband look like speedy gonzalez. They're upset they can't keep a long term partner but I can't imagine anyone willing to live or be with someone who can't get out the house even with a 3 hour head start and without loads of prompting. It's really excruciating, even if they can't help it due to their condition.

I feel your frustration. The previous posters saying "it's not such a big deal if it's Flexi working" are completely missing the point.

It's that he has failed to live up to your seemingly reasonable expectations of being a partner in life and parenting. If he's faffed about for 3 hours in the morning that's 3 hours he could have done something meaningful for himself, you or the children / the family. 3 hours of time frittered away. Multiplied by goodness knows how many instances, days, weeks and months.

Even if it is due to time blindness, I am just so sorry to hear that you are going through this.