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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband always late, can't take much more

434 replies

Dazedandfrazzled · 21/11/2023 22:10

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 22/11/2023 00:03

MrsElsa · 21/11/2023 23:40

He's leaving late so he can stay late at work and miss the dinner/bedtime work. Do you put dinner on the table for him every night? Pack that shit in.

He should be dropping LO at nursery on his way to work.

Stop seething and just tell him what to do. You resent him so much already, what have you got to lose!

Yes, it's deliberate. Is he parenting at the weekend?

WeightWhat · 22/11/2023 00:06

SwedishSchnauzer · 22/11/2023 00:02

I must admit I started leaving without DH. I’d give him advance notice that we were meeting friends and leaving at 2pm on the dot. I’d tell him again at 1:50 I was leaving as I went out the door to wait in the car. At 2.01 I’d drive away without him and explain to him/friends that you don’t have the patience to hang around.

He could just set timers for himself

Did this work?

wildwestpioneer · 22/11/2023 00:07

The problem with living with a late person is it always falls to you. It's all well and good to say leave without him, but by that time you've sorted the dc and done all the leg work. Days out see you making packed lunch, packing extra clothes for dc, ensuring everything is in the car, you darent give them anything else to do other than just 'getting out the house on time' as extra work means extra faffing. It's a exhausting, even popping to the shops with them will see the non faff person make sure you've got a list, bags, even a £1 for the trolley and you can't ask them to do it, otherwise you'd add another 25 mins onto your departure time.

It just gets worse with dc as it takes more organisation to leave the house

Ottersmith · 22/11/2023 00:08

Some people are just incapable of being on time. I've known a few. It's often an ADHD thing. But you have to develop a no nonsense approach. Give him a time (minus 20min for a buffer) then If he's not ready then just leave without him. If you are meeting him somewhere give a 15m cut off before you leave. When it comes to important things like the plane that is an occasion where you could definitely just leave without him.

Can he not take the baby to day care? Then you would have the whole morning to yourself. Needing him to leave or it ruins your day sounds a bit extreme and as others have said it sounds like you don't like him. If he isn't getting in to work till 10 then he can look after the baby from wake up to drop off at daycare, or when he leaves for work. I bet he would hurry a bit then.

Resentment for a partner who does fuck all when you have a baby is hard to come back from. Some men lose confidence when the Mother takes over all the jobs from birth and get used to doing nothing. You need to hand over and let him look after the baby more and then it's up to him if he does everything slowly. Does he come to bed late? Then it could be his job to tidy / empty dishwasher before bed then it's his business if he takes ages.

You need to disentangle yourself from his lateness. But if you really don't like him then just leave. Could it be the PND talking though?

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/11/2023 00:11

With things like meeting friends etc, why did you wait for him? Why not go without him, warn him "I am leaving in half an hour" "I am leaving in ten minutes" "I am leaving" and go.

Same with the flights thing. Warn him and then go. If he misses it then he misses it. If you dont drive arrange a taxi in advance, and if you do then you take the car and he arranges his own transport.

As you say, he can make work meetings, because not getting there has a direct impact on him ie, losing his job. But meeting friends, even missing flights, it doesnt sound like he cares about it much so no impact on him.

So start making it impact on him. He may not care that much about making the flight "Ah well, can always get another one...." until he realises that you made it and he didnt. Same with meeting people. By the time he gets there, if at all, everyone knows why his wife was there an hour earlier than he was and its embarrassing for him.

But, from what you said, I agree that your marriage is over.

StarShipControl · 22/11/2023 00:11

Omg what is he doing in the mornings that takes him 3 hrs to get ready? Is he on his phone and forgets the time or something? It can't be 3 hrs of just dithering, can it?

SunsetApple · 22/11/2023 00:12

Ottersmith · 22/11/2023 00:08

Some people are just incapable of being on time. I've known a few. It's often an ADHD thing. But you have to develop a no nonsense approach. Give him a time (minus 20min for a buffer) then If he's not ready then just leave without him. If you are meeting him somewhere give a 15m cut off before you leave. When it comes to important things like the plane that is an occasion where you could definitely just leave without him.

Can he not take the baby to day care? Then you would have the whole morning to yourself. Needing him to leave or it ruins your day sounds a bit extreme and as others have said it sounds like you don't like him. If he isn't getting in to work till 10 then he can look after the baby from wake up to drop off at daycare, or when he leaves for work. I bet he would hurry a bit then.

Resentment for a partner who does fuck all when you have a baby is hard to come back from. Some men lose confidence when the Mother takes over all the jobs from birth and get used to doing nothing. You need to hand over and let him look after the baby more and then it's up to him if he does everything slowly. Does he come to bed late? Then it could be his job to tidy / empty dishwasher before bed then it's his business if he takes ages.

You need to disentangle yourself from his lateness. But if you really don't like him then just leave. Could it be the PND talking though?

But didn’t you read the OPs post where she said he only manages to make a coffee while she is getting her child ready for the day, making breakfast, lunch etc. He wouldn’t be capable of getting the baby to day care from the sounds of it.

SwedishSchnauzer · 22/11/2023 00:12

Yes weirdly. I had to do it quite a few times but in the end the penny dropped that I was leaving at the time stated and if he wanted to leave at another time that was fine but I was going to stick to my plan

SwedishSchnauzer · 22/11/2023 00:14

He started getting ready on time

Ankerdam · 22/11/2023 00:15

sweetpickle23 · 21/11/2023 22:33

Is he NT? My ADHD causes me to be late a lot, I just can’t keep good time.

This is a very important question to consider if focusing solely on the lateness issue.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 22/11/2023 00:20

Ah, I see from your first few posts that you're married to a faffer too!
I've been with mine just shy of 13 years, and it's anxiety inducing.
My advice, sit down, calmly and explain that you have found that being late is a sign of not respecting other peoples time, regardless of who it is, you, your friends, your family, people from work...you all deserve to have your time that has been set aside for him, or another part of their day honoured and that you'd like to feel validated, and like you are a priority by being the first persons time he takes into account. He can demonstrate this by trying to leave the house when you've asked him to, so you can start your day positively and you can try to frame the day and make it "Good"
Share what your day would ideally look like, and how his actions prohibit that.

When it's other people and activities. DH we need to leave by xx. If you aren't ready, I am going without you.
I've out my kids in the car a few times and left dh at home because he cannot respect anyone or their days commitments.

Firefly2009 · 22/11/2023 00:34

Here's what I would do for now:

Stop waiting for him. Continue to communicate requests and give times, but if he's not ready or not there, carry on anyway. It will highlight what is really going on. After a few weeks you then have grounds to say "so I am basically living a solo life because you have opted out of doing anything..." and take it from there.
I understand you are already at the end of your tether, but do this before anything else.

TwoShades1 · 22/11/2023 00:45

I can see why being late for appointments, flights, reservations is very annoying. But if his arrival time at work isn’t important, I’m not sure how that can really annoy you? Why does it bother you that he is at home? Surely you just come home and get on with whatever is you need to do (work, cleaning, cooking, etc). For some things I would just leave without him if he isn’t ready, he can make his own way there when he’s ready.

Namechange666 · 22/11/2023 00:48

Does he have any other traits of being neurodiverse?

As someone suggested adhd is one example of what it could be but I need to read the rest of your post to see.

It's called time blindness and I had it so bad in my 20s. I forever double booked myself, was an hour late to a friend once. I literally could not make myself move sometimes and I got so stressed out. Overwhelmed and people just thought I wa slow and stupid.

Now I'm in my 30s and before I got diagnosed, I use my phone calendar. Timers help and exaggerating how much time I need to complete something or be somewhere helps too. I also have several reminders in my phone calendar with 1 week, 1 day, 1 hour and 10 mins ahead. So plenty of notice from myself and I always know where and when I need to be now.

However, it has to come from the person to do this. You're not his mother or his personal servant. It's okay to work out how to overcome this together but HE has to implement it.

mathanxiety · 22/11/2023 00:49

Makemydaypunk · 21/11/2023 22:44

He’s not late for work though, he’s on flexi time so if he chooses to faff about that’s up to him. I think you are being very unreasonable demanding he leave the house before 9.30 particularly as he seems to manage it bar one day of the working week.

I dunno - he gets one cup of coffee made in the time it takes her to get up and dressed, deess and feed the baby, and unload the dishwasher.

He's not pulling his weight while he's faffing about daily.

Rowmack · 22/11/2023 00:51

There are two people in this. You need to see how your behaviour is affecting him too. Try to be more understanding. It is a worry that you are so concerned by him 'faffing' about. There are far worse things that people have to deal with in marriages. I think you haven't told us the real reason that you were so frustrated with him initially.

grumpycow1 · 22/11/2023 00:58

How the hell do you get up at 6.45 and not be ready by 8?! I have suspected ADHD but I don’t have a choice but to get my kids ready and to school and myself to work, put a load of washing in etc. All in the space of 1-1.5 hours! Why is he able to just drift about and you do all the work? Like you say, he can do it for what he sees as important so it makes it even more frustrating for you..

grumpycow1 · 22/11/2023 01:00

Firefly2009 · 22/11/2023 00:34

Here's what I would do for now:

Stop waiting for him. Continue to communicate requests and give times, but if he's not ready or not there, carry on anyway. It will highlight what is really going on. After a few weeks you then have grounds to say "so I am basically living a solo life because you have opted out of doing anything..." and take it from there.
I understand you are already at the end of your tether, but do this before anything else.

This!

LimePi · 22/11/2023 01:02

He probably has ADHD so it’s not a question of being selfish, willpower etc
there are ways to improve but shaming or ultimatums won’t help

hoobanoobie · 22/11/2023 01:02

Ex used to do this. Sit for two hours on the toilet just before we needed to leave. He'd stay at his mums and say he'd forgotten to wash his clothes so he's got to wait for them to dry. There's a work meeting on his day off that is compulsory for all staff so our day out with DD would have to wait until he got out (3 hours usually, he was a chef in pub chains) but this excuse was bandied about multiple times. Completely ridiculous excuses, although the one that cracked me up after I split up with him and he was supposed to be taking DD out for the day: "I've shit myself. My boxers and pants are covered. I need to get home and wash them because I've got nothing else clean, but once they're dry I'll be over as soon as I can". That was the most ridiculous of all the excuses I heard. I just thought "you complete waste of skin".
Even on Xmas day he didn’t turn up until 9pm at night after promising he'd be there when DD woke up (more than 15 hours before then). Woke her up to spend 15 minutes with a sleepy 5 year old and then fucked off again to get home.
He disappeared out of our lives 4 years ago next month without so much as another stupid excuse. That is a blessing.

Womencanlift · 22/11/2023 01:03

It annoys me in threads like this that ND is brought out to justify behaviour in such a way that behaviour should be ignored because he may be ND

To give the opposite view, I am actually ND and people faffing or being late is a trigger for me. I will get stressed and anxious and even have a meltdown in extreme circumstances, like someone’s faffing making me miss a flight for example

I have to make allowances and put strategies in place to cope so why can’t the late people? (I know some do of course)

It shouldn’t be used as an excuse for people to treat others, especially their partner, badly

And for those who are not ND and are just late, like potentially the OPs DH, then it does come down to not respecting someone else’s time

Maxiedog123 · 22/11/2023 01:08

Rowmack · 22/11/2023 00:51

There are two people in this. You need to see how your behaviour is affecting him too. Try to be more understanding. It is a worry that you are so concerned by him 'faffing' about. There are far worse things that people have to deal with in marriages. I think you haven't told us the real reason that you were so frustrated with him initially.

But there's now 3 people in this and that's what makes the difference from before

With all this faffing around in the morning and then starting work late the husband ensures he neither spends time with or does anything for the child all week. He spends 3 hours faffing in the morning whilst she gets herself and child up and fed, makes lunch etc. then in the evening by the time he gets home child is fed, bathed and in bed, and dinner is cooked etc. she's effectively a single parent and that is the frustrating bit

BrutusMcDogface · 22/11/2023 01:18

saffronsoup · 21/11/2023 22:31

I think it is unreasonable to give him times he isn’t allowed to be in his own home. Same as if he gave you times you were not to be in the house as he wanted it to himself.

I would suggest you return to work. He irritated you less and your daughter is in nursery anyways. His resentment is going to grow if he is the only one taking on financial responsibility for the family and he is paying for nursery and you don’t want him in the house as you want it all to yourself.

I’m sorry op but I agree with this.

Sconehenge · 22/11/2023 01:19

I don’t really think ADHD would cause someone to take 3 hours to make a coffee, unless they were hyper fixated on their phone or something? Is he gaming on his phone for 3 hours or something like that? ADHD would mean that he might do a lot of side quests like start doing coffee then be off measuring a shelf half way through, rather than just moving at sloth like speed lol.

I agree that he should be doing the morning drop off to nursery, if he has another job in the morning he’ll have to leave at 9 to fit it in rather than thinking he has right up until 9:30. You’ll also get to wave them both off and not have to stress about coming home to him still being there!

allmyliesaretrue · 22/11/2023 01:23

Some of us just have an issue with being anywhere in time!

I'm intelligent, well qualified, work in a responsible job, but I have always, always struggled with being on time!!

I'm not always late by any means - I pretty much managed to be on time to collect my three children, bar one memorable fuck up!

I'm mostly on time for work meetings too but I've had occasions when I haven't.

I often seem to underestimate the time I need to get ready, and to travel to wherever.

I actually fucking hate being late, but I don't seem to be able to help myself. A flatmate in uni 40 years ago used to say I'd still be late for a lecture if I got up the night before...

It's not in any way deliberate and as I say I hate being late, and I don't value my time more than the person I am meant to be meeting with.

It's a personality flaw that I battle with on a regular basis.