Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

It is infuriating @NotLactoseFree.

I do think that the socialisation thing means that ND women do still end up with the family responsibilities. They don’t get to drop anything, and have to pick up slack so their husband can focus on his Important Work.

This can be true even where the ND woman also works FT and even where she’s the one with the Big Job.

It's not necessarily about priorities, though. If he does have ADHD or any other ND condition, then home is probably the one place he doesn't have to mask (or shouldn't have to mask). It's the place he should be able to be himself and prepare himself for putting that mask on to get through the day. Just like how the OP needs time alone, he also needs time to get ready for what lies ahead and then time to come down from it afterwards. It's often why ND "crash" when they get home, and all those plans they made to do stuff and socialise on days off are the last thing they feel like doing now. Being put under pressure by someone in your own home will just make the stress worse and the delaying longer.

Absolutely. 100% agree. Basically, men get away with it whether or not they're ND. And women, whether or not they're NT, have to suck it up.

Actually, just to add to this. DS has inattentive ADHD. We're 90% sure DH does too. I am 80% certain that it comes from HIS mother. And you know what... she's had to suck it up and put things in place to try and manage it.

Yes, she's useless and slow at all kinds of things, and she has all these habits that I find baffling. But one thing I do see and appreciate that many of these are coping mechanism she's put in place because she didn't have the option to opt out. She's just had to suck it up and get on with it her whole life. While FIL worked, wasn't terribly involved at home, had a nervous breakdown etc etc etc.

This is not true at all. If you're saying "ND" (I hate that terminology incidentally, it's so insulting and minimising) this includes autism, and the vast majority of people with autism (about 8/10) do live independently, and are not employed, let alone caring for anybody else.

There is no amount of "socialisation" that can force a person with autism or ADHD work through their disabilities; you can either do it or you can't. There are varying levels of autism/ADHD etc and only the very highest functioning are capable of family responsibilities and other markers of adult independence.

The way you say this makes it sound like you think ADHD and autism etc are somewhat of a choice and can be worked through with enough effort. (Paging @NotLactoseFree please stop with your "forced to suck it up" rhetoric). I'd like to know why my "female socialisation" hasn't magically made me more capable, as somebody with autism and ADHD. I have never worked or had a relationship and am still looked after by my mum and support workers. When she can no longer look after me, I will go into a home, like other middle aged people with autism whose parents have died or become incapable.

The differences between men and women who are more mildly affected are as follows: what actually happens is that all people - men and women - with ADHD (and/or autism) have a limit to their abilities. If they are succeeding in one area, something has to give in another area. In this case, OP's husband is succeeding at work, and failing in most other areas of adult independence, being essentially cared for by his wife.

Because men (ADHD or otherwise) generally assume they'll be cared for and tend to be blind to the sheer amount of effort that is involved in household management and childcare, they are more likely to be enabled to succeed at work and be oblivious to this facilitation and their other inadequacies, whereas a woman with the same level of functioning will not be facilitated to work, and instead will simply be unemployed, along with also not being able to do housework and possibly childcare effectively. She will be fully aware of her inadequacies and so will everybody else.

I have ADHD. The actual diagnosed kind. Not the I saw some tik toks about time blindness kind.

Please don’t try to tell me that I don’t know about trying to muddle through home and family and work without it all falling apart with a significant neurodevelopmental disability.

There are choices to be made and priorities to prioritise. There are balls that you simply cannot drop and others that you know will bounce or that don’t really matter either way. Figuring that has not been easy and I veer on the edge of fucking up most of the time.

This man has no diagnosed neurodiversity. He is employed and has chosen to have a family. The only evidence that he needs the OP to be is carer is in the speculation from MNers that he must have ADHD.

And even if he does have ADHD, that doesn’t mean the OP has to want to be the person who carries all the responsibility for everyone.

You have also misunderstood the point about sex based socialisation.

It doesn’t make you more capable. But being female means that no one gives you the leeway or seeks to support you in the way that men get.

Agree with this, I think in most cases the female is the default parent. The man doesn't have to worry because he knows she'll sort 'that' all out

In most cases the male is the default primary earner. The woman doesn't have to worry because she knows he'll sort 'that' all out.

Except parenting usually gets progressively easier once the kids are at school/uni/working, but careers tend to get more demanding and stressful the more senior you are.

Yes. All men have to do is provide a salary. Obviously. Ridiculous to expect them to do any housework or care. And certainly not to have think about it.

I doubt that, had a women with potential ADHD (or suspected as such by MNers) posted, the advice wouldn’t be that her husband should just have to do everything and who cares about his mental health. No the advice would be about managing things better so she is contributing to the household in practical ways.

But a woman posts about a husband who is not pulling his weight and the toll this is taking on her MH and MNers diagnose him with ADHD and tell her than she needs to stop being nasty by expecting anything of him.

Really? Can't say I know anyone like this unless they are very wealthy

@CaramacFiend

Not in the younger circles anymore. I'm my early thirties friendship group, the women out earn the men in about 60% of relationships and most of the rest earn similar (yet mum is still the default parent in most of those).

If you can run a home, care for your children and hold down a job then you are very, very high functioning. Being able to do something with difficulty and effort is a world away from not being able to do it at all. Please take a moment to consider that most people with ADHD are not as high functioning as yourself.

You can either do things or you can't. Many people with ADHD or autism, when forced to sink or swim (ie, "suck it up"), simply sink. That's not because they didn't try hard enough, but because they were inherently less capable.

Most people with ADHD cannot simply "prioritise" as we lack the judgement of being able to guess how long thinks take, and being able to mentally multitask enough to predict outcomes to know which is the most important.

Good for you if you can do that, but you're still punching down on people who are more disabled than yourself. You're not better than people with ADHD who can't do what you can.

In terms of individuals on this thread being hateful and abusive about this man's actions: it is irrelevant whether or not he has diagnosable ADHD, the fact is that the way he is being described is identical to to the symptoms of ADHD, and to see that being described as "pathetic" and as if it is a choice is incredibly hurtful.

The fact that this man is constantly late in ways which affect himself should be a clue that his behaviours are not his choice, and likely not rectifiable without medication and outside assistance.

I never said that OP should be her husbands carer - in fact I specifically said she is not obligated to. I also mentioned her husbands lack of self-awareness about this problem is making it worse.

All I'm saying is that vitriol and judgement about the symptoms of ADHD is hurtful and damaging, to all people with the condition.

I tried to hold down a job, manage a household, raise two DC, cook and clean, despite my ADHD traits. Every job I had managed to take over my brain - I could never stop thinking about it, even outside work hours.

I attempted this feat because I had to, I was married to a lazy entitled man who wouldn't get a proper job, and wouldn't help in the house, no matter how I begged.. I couldn't always manage to keep it together - hence having to leave jobs with depression, and struggle on as best I could.

As I said, I'm now very happily divorced and retired. But I recently had to give up a voluntary role because it was too much on top of life's everyday stuff.

This thread has left me no clearer regarding OP's relationship with her DH, but it does have me wondering if I have ADHD.

Just a couple of thoughts only:

-The fact that he won't discuss things / bad reactions to criticism so you can't discuss things. That's a big enough problem on its own and rather concerning. If you can't have discussions, you're not relating, so you don't have a relationship. You can say that to him next time.

-Although it would make things very difficult, I think I might actually let things go to shit for a while rather than pick up his slack. He can't do things? Two can play that game. You do the exact same thing.

-And at the same time, just to be kind as well, encourage him to get investigated for ADHD. It could be that medication would turn everything around. And if he refuses to go to the GP, well, you have even more reason to stick with not picking up the slack.

-And how about you give into your exhaustion and insist on a week/weekend away on your own so you can recuperate. He'll have to get on with it then and he's the reason you need a break.

@slore it is very clear you have suffered, and I sympathise with that for you. But no, your experience and that of the OP are not the same. For a start, he is not diagnosed. I imagine, based on your descriptions of your experience, that you have struggled your whole life and your family.have had to seek that support and/or provide it. This is not "hidden" and you have not masked.

You are also very clearly self aware. You understand your challenges and why they create problems. I am guessing, as you have not specified but I base this on the way you write, that you are grateful for your family's support. You appreciate their efforts and, in your own way, attempt to show that appreciation.

This is not the case here. OP's h seems to think that her mental health and well-being are irrelevant. He has expressed no remorse. He offers no ideas on solutions. He certainly is not seeking a diagnosis and the support of tools or medication.

I would not expect that someone who was completely paralysed, required tube feeding, communication support and so on to be treated the same as someone in a wheelchair. Both are significant barriers to a "normal" life, but one has significantly more options for independent living. Your experience and the OPs dh are not that similar, even if he did have an adhd diagnosis. Which, I reiterate, he does not.

Hey, you're not frustrated and exhausted because your husband is tardy. It's because he does zero parenting and housework, based on your words. You do everything in the mornings and evenings, and weekends too? No wonder you're a wreck. This is not a minor issue. It's not an embarrassment for you. It's a massive equality issue: either he's your partner and co-parent or he isn't. Now he isn't.
You absolutely need therapy, both individually and as a couple. Also a trial break up could help. You deserve a life, not to be the family maid. All the best love.

@slore So I’m just not disabled enough for you? Wonderful.

This thread is about a man who has absolutely no diagnosis of ADHD. He’s employed. He’s married with a child.

It’s not ‘punching down’ to criticise this man for leaving his wife to do everything and not caring that her mental health is suffering.

Just to be really clear, it is really not OK to tell someone that they are ‘very very high functioning’ so their experience could not be relevant and their struggles aren’t real.

On MN people will generally challenge the now outdated classification of autism as ‘high functioning’. But apparently it’s totally fine to tell people with ADHD that they’re simply too ‘high functioning’ for their experience to be taken seriously.

Indeed, if those of us who have somehow managed to stay employed are so unusually high functioning that we can’t possible represent real ADHD, then the OP’s husband would also be in this group of the so high functioning it’s not really ADHD (if he has ADHD - but that really is just an internet diagnosis via MNers).

This speaks volumes. You’re not annoyed at your DHs timekeeping, you just don’t want to be around him any more. You’re able to have lots of time to yourself as your dc is in nursery and you don’t work, and you want the house to yourself. But it’s his house too. Maybe he likes being alone in the house when you go out, maybe he is waiting for you to return because he likes seeing you?
If he doesn’t have to be in work at a set time, it’s irrelevant what time he leaves the house - he’s not going to be late! So there’s no set time when he should be leaving.
Is he disorganised? Can he tell the time? Has he always struggled to be on time?

OP has said in her updates what he is like with timekeeping and everything she has to do because he can’t/won’t.

Agree with this, I think in most cases the female is the default parent. The man doesn't have to worry because he knows she'll sort 'that' all out

In your case, yes you are the default parent because you don’t have another job and have time whilst your child is in nursery.

So you still pay half into all the household finances? And I also assume you pay all the nursery fees yourself?

Is there a financial contribution threshold that the OP needs to hit before anyone thinks that she might reasonably expect her husband to shoulder some of the practical responsibility of ensuring his house is clean and tidy, everyone is fed and the toddler is looked after?