Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

Also, my niece has just been diagnosed with ADHD because she found she was spending days at work, paralysed in front of the computer and unable to get on with her work. Meds seem to be helping her.

So there may be hope, if that is what the problem is, and if your H seeks help. Which he should arrange, not you!

Btw I didn't mean that to come across as critical OP. Your issues are valid. Just that he may need treatment.

If that’s the only part of my comment filtering through, it’s a red flag. You sound as if you were very successful before being a SAHM, is it not better for you to get back into a role that satisfies your skills and drive and gets you away from focussing on your husband’s weaknesses? Sounds like it would help your MH, too. Even volunteering PT, if you had been looking forward to a break from work? You must have married him for some reason, can you remember these? The stage of life you’re at is the hardest on any marriage, so you do have hope, if you want it for you all. Because it doesn’t sound as if you being at home is benefitting your child or marriage. Is he genuinely selfish, or does it seem like he is because you’re being goal-oriented? Does he love and support you in non-deadline related ways? If he does, you can normally work around more shallow issues. Either way, with a child, I’d try getting out to work and getting counselling before thinking of throwing in the towel. You haven’t got anything to lose?

You aren't unhinged, you have a husband who is leaving all the stress of the family logistics to you. He's watching you struggle and he's looking the other way.
There are some unhelpful responses on here tonight so disregard them and take on board the advice from those that are listening to you. I haven't any practical advice but I get what you are saying and your feelings are valid.

A friend told me she divorced her husband for this reason, almost 50 years ago. She said she knew it sounded like nothing, but she was unable to plan anything and had to manage everything herself. Also that it was constantly embarrassing, but also occasionally humiliating because it was so inconsiderate of everyone else around.

I hope he will change, but please don’t feel petty or insane. It’s about having a true partner who cares about you, your child and his own integrity.

Why is your mental health so dependent on him being out of the house? Is this an approach recommended by a therapist or doctor? Or something you've come up with?

I get needing time and space to yourself but he's an adult, presumably you don't need to do anything for him and can just get on with whatever you do to unwind? Let him faff and be late, his job is flexible.

I get people saying he's opting out of the parenting grunt work, but if I had a SAHP spouse with one child and that child went to nursery for half the week- I wouldn't expect to do much parenting grunt work frankly.

When is your DHs spare time?

It sounds like you're unhappy in general and you don't like him anymore. Maybe you're realising your marriage is ending and looking to blame him.

Idk if I have adhd. But some of these behaviours are definitely something Since becoming a parent, I have managed to create strategies to overcome many of my issues.

One thing, which really helped me was having a strict schedule. Dd is very schedule driven and because I hadn’t settled her into a routine (I had no idea how to do this), she wasn’t coping and neither was I. A neighbour lent me her copy of Gina Ford and it literally had a schedule for what you do every 5/10 mins throughout the day. I followed that schedule for months and months. It gave me an insight into a world of regime and time planning. It really fixed things for me.

I still forget appointments and have to keep chanting in my head that I have an on the day GP appointment or I need to collect dd at x time on x day. I also set alarms for myself as I’ve in the past forgotten arrangements, appointments etc.

I used to be an hour or more late to meet friends, dh and I nearly missed flights on a few occasions - he is also a very late person. Nowadays, I am chronically ill so don’t see people that much. However I am now pretty much on time for things.

Why does he need to be out the house before you get back? Where is he going? If he's late going somewhere, why are you stressing about it? If he's late he's late then it's on him.

I’ve just explained my issues. It’s actually much easier to do something routinely for me, where there is a specific time as I kind of train myself to do it. The flex working possibly isn’t helpful for him. To relate to me, I have weekly physio. I schedule it at the same time / day as that is easiest for me to remember and less likely for me to forget that if I booked it at different times. I don’t even think to look at my diary every day so things are easily missed.

Haven’t read all comments. You both sound unhappy and are taking it out on each other in ways you know will annoy each other.

you posts make you sound controlling to me. Missing 1 flight by 2 mins is hardly a huge crime. Loads of families do that.

dkes he wants to be where his child is in the morning. Getting lso e joy and connection from them cos it’s not happening with you ? He can take kid to nursery on way to work .

And to the other posters, yes I suppose I don't like him that much anymore. Every now and then there is a glimmer, but its getting harder and harder to feel love (or even any like) anymore.

I suspect the problem is much more than your husbands timekeeping, am I correct?

If I was in your position I would (i) get anti depressants and (ii) get a full time job. You will need a job if you leave and it is possible that being at home is exacerbating your irritation and giving you time to overthink. Being around others in a more positive environment may be more suited to your personality and it may balance out the home stress while you decide what to do next.

Could it be this? Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile associated with autism and ADHD. If you have PDA, you may find it challenging to carry out demands, even if you want to. You might go to extreme lengths to avoid complying with demands of all kinds. PDA is also called Extreme Demand Avoidance.

It really does sound like there’s a ND element at play, and statistically that makes it more likely that your LO could share traits too.

It presents differently in girls - where boys externalise and misbehave, girls internalise the shame and anxiety.

I grew up in a house where my dm had so much contempt for my df, and while it was understandable, it was hugely damaging to me because I felt I had to hide so much of myself.

It’s clear that you’re struggling to accept or accommodate these issues in your dh, and probably it’s better for the relationship to end rather than to keep going on this path damaging each other.

But even if you stop living together, you’re still going to have to co parent. And it’s going to be incredibly important for your dc that you find ways to work with his/her df that aren’t always highlighting his shortcomings.

I know my adhd can be infuriating (trust me, no one is more infuriated with me than I am) understanding what I’m dealing with has made a tremendous difference to being able to address and work on it. In the past so much energy was devoted to covering up, that there was nothing left over.

I hit the jackpot in life by finding a partner who appreciates all the good parts of me, and has the capacity to absorb some of my flaws.

You don’t have that capacity op - and that’s ok because we are what we are. But your inability to adapt is part of this dynamic. This isn’t an argument about what who should do; it’s an observation. And in the same way that he might need to research time blindness, you should be wary of getting involved with someone who hasn’t excellent executive functioning skills. Reading up about adhd may help you navigate future relationships, will help you co parent. Even if your LO is 100% neurotypical s/he still needs to be free to love their dad without being caught in an emotional tug-o-war.

It’s very clear that this relationship isn’t working out. Regardless of what the reasons are for your DH’s issues, you aren’t obligated to be his support human. You are every bit as entitled to walk away from a relationship with someone with adhd, as someone who is an infuriating faffer!

But if you only see these issues as his character flaws, or try and attribute an ability deficit to bad motives, it starts to justify questionable behaviour on your part too. Controlling when someone is allowed to be in their own home is veering dangerously close into abusive territory. It’s better to walk away.

I think what everyone is missing is the fact that OP’s husband takes forever to just get himself ready for work therefore all the home organisation is being left to OP day in day out while she watches someone else do basically nothing! Whether or not her DH has ADHD or executive functioning issues is irrelevant the OP feels alone and the pressure of doing it all is getting to her.

Also because her DH is starting work so late he is finishing really late at night too so therefore not helping with dinner or bedtime! He’s not helping the household at all! Sounds exceptionally selfish to me I would lose my cool too

So what?

The minute I read the OP, I knew that’s what everyone would come on to say.

What difference does it make if it’s ADHD?

That doesn’t make it any easier for the OP.

And she’s not obliged to stay / put up with it, just because he has a neurodiversity.

I realise that’s harsh. But the OP is miserable. Why should she sacrifice her mental health and wellbeing for him?

Mumsnet is absolutely full of medicalised bad behaviour. Even if someone has adhd the op can still call him a dickhead and leave. It's not an excuse to be non functional.

Why not put the child in nursery in the afternoon if it’s making you so angry he’s not left by 9.30. As he’s not home until 7 so plenty of time without him around. Doesn’t sound like you like this guy at all

You need a job op. Either to get back your sense of self or to have an income if this goes tits up.

You are largely able to determine what happens next, either work with him to improve it or ditch it. Telling him what to do won't get you where you want to be.

I sympathize as I am the pita and he is the faffer in our relationship, but there is no room for victims, you just need to decide if you want to put the time in and if so put your best foot forward.

I managed to stop my husband keeping us waiting if we were going out as a family, and after I'd dove all the kids/prep/god knows what ekes whilst he "showered".

I'd tell him I'd wait 15 minutes then go. And I did, so a couple of times I took the kids to events whilst he turned up in his own car , feeling hard done by. Make it inconvenient for him, not you.

The fact that he can be on time for things he clearly deems ‘important’, makes it’s all the more galling.

I just knew ADHD would be thrown around, but it’s irrelevant. Firstly, he can be on time when he wants, he just doesn’t think the OP is of any value and so doesn’t bother.

OP, he’s awful, he does fuck all and is making your life considerably worse. It’s time to leave. Well done for being financially independent.

Your husband aside OP, have you done anything to tackle your mental health? take it from someone who has had real world experience, PND is absolutely debilitating. I had some CBT and was on anti-depressants for a while, and my life changed almost instantly. I felt similar about my husband, and once I sought treatment my marriage improved ten fold.

I think it would be sad to break up your family because your husband won't leave his own home quickly enough for your liking, but you do you.

So much of this post resounds with me too. Fortunately my husband has many redeeming qualities so I don't feel like you do all of the time. He is also remorseful when I tell him how upset it makes me, but then the next week he will be late again and he doesn't know how. But many times it has caused an argument or I have been in tears over it because its like he has no respect for anyone else's time. He is regularly late for work meetings. Like working from home the meeting starts at 9am and at 8:59 he'll go start making a coffee.

I've done some 'educating' him on prioritisation which helps a bit. So if we are getting ready to leave I tell him he needs to do all the things essential (dress, dress kids, pack bags, shoes on kids) and anything we can then do once this is done is a bonus. So often I'm telling him to not check his emails, or transfer that money, or even hang up the washing because all of that can wait until we are not under a time pressure. But it does result in me doing more than my fair share because he is faffing and I am ready so I end up doing all the other bits myself while I wait. I've not often resorted to leaving without him though because often that's not helpful but I often sit in the car and wait.

Completely agree with this. It’s amazing how these people who are always late always seem to be on time for things they deem ‘important’!

I cannot stand people who knowingly make people late! I know a few people like this who seem to get pleasure out of how stressed they are making you with their lateness. Even if there are no clocks in op’s house, surely her DH has a phone which will tell him the time! It’s not difficult when you have to be somewhere at a certain time to know that you need to get a move on and start getting ready! People like this are incredibly selfish!!!!