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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not sure if this is even any of my business…..but

155 replies

Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 21:20

This is my first post on MN after being a long term reader…I thought it’d be the best place to come for some anonymous opinion 🙂

The situation is that having got divorced three years ago, I met my new partner nearly 2 years ago.
I am in my early 40s, he is 10 years older and we both have no children. I am divorced, finances split and both myself and my ex have moved on and have no contact with each other.

My partner is divorced, but has not come to an agreement around finances yet. He has no contact with his ex, save through a solicitor.

He has made a number of offers to settle financially, all of which have been declined.

He mentioned casually that he has now offered the entirety of the 3 houses they jointly own (all are rented) He has no pension as these houses were meant to be the pension. Everything else jointly owned has already been handed to the ex (who also has no children and does work)

Even his solicitor said this was ludicrous and not to offer anywhere near this. If accepted, it would leave him with nothing and starting again. He says he has done this as he wants to move on with life without the constant drag of this not being settled. I’m not sure why he doesn’t just go to court, but he insists he doesn’t want that.

Having been with him nearly two years, I don’t know how I feel about this. It seems a little like he is throwing away any future and only considering his past.

We do both have well paid jobs, and I own my own place, so we technically do have a chance of building something back up again, but I guess I just want some opinions if I am being unreasonable to think he should discuss this with me before offering away everything he has, and the chance of a secure future?

Maybe I just need to withdraw a little from the relationship until it’s sorted out? It’s a shame as we get on so well, he is a lovely kind man who is trustworthy and caring but I just feel odd about offering your whole life without considering a future life with a partner - particularly as this was his pension?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 21/11/2023 21:22

It isn't your business, but you would be remiss not to get involved. Hopefully his solicitor will talk some sense into him.

Firefly2009 · 21/11/2023 21:24

Strictly speaking I suppose it isn't your business. But it will affect you though, won't it? If you stay together forever? If he kept half of everything, he'd be better off forever, which has a positive impact on you. Personally, I'd be frustrated/exasperated to the point of livid. But that's just me!

Firefly2009 · 21/11/2023 21:27

Here's the other thing: This is highly unusual and I'd be thinking either

  1. He's a massive push-over

  2. He has something to hide

Neither one of those is brilliant. Keep it in the back of your mind. I'd want to know why he isn't fighting for what's rightfully his. ffs.

Keepinmovin · 21/11/2023 21:28

It is ludicrous and he should listen to his solicitor. If they have no kids then really just the financial settlement will be 50/50 of joint assets. That's all. He should go to court and get this sorted

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 21:31

Do you know I have thought both of those things!

He doesn’t seem to be a massive push over to me - is stubborn to the point that he’ll argue even when he’s wrong.

part of me thinks he wants to look after her so she has enough money, which is sweet and thoughtful and I have no issue with as I’ve never met her or even know who she is.

But that would be half, not everything you own. BTW, he earnt it, by all accounts she didn’t work for most of the years they were together!

I just feel a bit shitty about it as it feels he’s pushing me to get promoted etc for a better future, but seems to have a very different view of his ex’s work ethic.

Gut feeling is something ain’t right. No one, in my book, would offer such a stupid offer without a reason….

OP posts:
JustMaggie · 21/11/2023 21:34

If it were me I would butt out and let him figure it out with his lawyer. He's a grown up, he can make his own decisions. If he decides to give her everything and just walk away then I guess you get to decide if that's something you can deal with or not. But I would leave it to him to decide.

Bichonmum · 21/11/2023 21:35

Firefly2009 · 21/11/2023 21:27

Here's the other thing: This is highly unusual and I'd be thinking either

  1. He's a massive push-over

  2. He has something to hide

Neither one of those is brilliant. Keep it in the back of your mind. I'd want to know why he isn't fighting for what's rightfully his. ffs.

Or maybe he is just so fed up and wants everything settled as soon as possible that he's offering more than necessary.

TellingBone · 21/11/2023 21:36

What evidence do you have, apart from his word, that they own three houses?

WillowCraft · 21/11/2023 21:38

Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 21:31

Do you know I have thought both of those things!

He doesn’t seem to be a massive push over to me - is stubborn to the point that he’ll argue even when he’s wrong.

part of me thinks he wants to look after her so she has enough money, which is sweet and thoughtful and I have no issue with as I’ve never met her or even know who she is.

But that would be half, not everything you own. BTW, he earnt it, by all accounts she didn’t work for most of the years they were together!

I just feel a bit shitty about it as it feels he’s pushing me to get promoted etc for a better future, but seems to have a very different view of his ex’s work ethic.

Gut feeling is something ain’t right. No one, in my book, would offer such a stupid offer without a reason….

I think it's weird too. Maybe she is blackmailing him?
Surely any normal person would go for a 50 50 split as being completely reasonable in these circumstances?

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 21:40

TellingBone · 21/11/2023 21:36

What evidence do you have, apart from his word, that they own three houses?

He is quite often on the phone to the letting agent about drama with the houses, he has always been upfront with me from the day I met me, invited me to works events within a month or so, met all his friends and he gave me keys to his house etc so I’m pretty satisfied they do exist.

But I get what you’re saying, I have asked him why he would make such a monumental offer and he just said the years he has left to get a mortgage will soon not be enough to be able to buy his own house again, and he wants to move on.

I wish my ex husband had been like him 😂

OP posts:
Birdcar · 21/11/2023 21:41

Something isn't right here.

To give away your pension in your 50's is insane. He's only got around 12/13 years left before retirement. How is he planning to live? Does he think that you will support him?

TellingBone · 21/11/2023 21:42

'ware potential cocklodger

AutumnFroglets · 21/11/2023 21:45

Maybe I just need to withdraw a little from the relationship until it’s sorted out?
Yes you do.

It's coming across as though he doesn't need to prepare for his future as he has found a single woman who owns her own house, good job/wages and probably has a decent pension and savings. He wins. You lose.

He also comes across as somebody who is so lazy they can't be bothered to "fight". That doesn't bode well for him doing chores, admin, satisfying you in bed, doing little pleasing things for you as a partner. He might start off well but he will soon stop once he gets his feet under your table. Bleugh.

PastorCarrBonarra · 21/11/2023 21:48

He may well just want to throw in the towel and move on. Understandable! But you don’t want to end up subbing him 10-20 years from now because of his poor choices. So, keep your finances separate and remember that it’s probably not in your interests to marry him.

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 21:49

Birdcar · 21/11/2023 21:41

Something isn't right here.

To give away your pension in your 50's is insane. He's only got around 12/13 years left before retirement. How is he planning to live? Does he think that you will support him?

I bloody well hope not!
He feels he can invest enough into a pension the next 10 years to make up for the loss. He does have a high salary, but that does seem a little ambitious.

Cocklodger may not be far off 😂

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 21/11/2023 21:50

He is quite often on the phone to the letting agent about drama with the houses, he has always been upfront with me from the day I met me, invited me to works events within a month or so, met all his friends and he gave me keys to his house

Oh dear. That's a lot of red flags by themselves. Too much, too soon, with a shitload of drama about divorce and tenants (that is what you paying letting agents for, to stop the drama).

EDIT - He feels he can invest enough into a pension the next 10 years to make up for the loss. He does have a high salary,
But who will house him, pay most of the bills and entertainment, food, holidays etc while he throws money at his pension 🤔

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 21:52

PastorCarrBonarra · 21/11/2023 21:48

He may well just want to throw in the towel and move on. Understandable! But you don’t want to end up subbing him 10-20 years from now because of his poor choices. So, keep your finances separate and remember that it’s probably not in your interests to marry him.

Totally this. He has spoken about the future and marriage and I’ve been upfront and said it’s not something I want to do again.

I feel more certain now I’ve read the responses that I need to keep my own place and avoid anything joint until it’s sorted out one way or another

OP posts:
CheerfulBunny · 21/11/2023 21:56

Do you know why they split up? Seems a bit odd...

MadeForThis · 21/11/2023 21:58

So the ex has no kids but didn't work? And he wants to give her all the money? You don't even know her name? Can't check this out? Facebook stalk?

He's pushing you to earn more. You own your own house. It's screaming cocklodger.

It definitely doesn't sound right.

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 21:59

CheerfulBunny · 21/11/2023 21:56

Do you know why they split up? Seems a bit odd...

They lived separate lives and then when covid came decided enough was enough. They haven’t spoken, to my knowledge, since. Other than back and forward with solicitors running up mahoosive bills

OP posts:
CheerfulBunny · 21/11/2023 22:01

I wonder why he seems desperate to appease her if thats all it is. There has be more to it than that. Three houses is a pretty big pay off!
Sorry OP.

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 22:03

MadeForThis · 21/11/2023 21:58

So the ex has no kids but didn't work? And he wants to give her all the money? You don't even know her name? Can't check this out? Facebook stalk?

He's pushing you to earn more. You own your own house. It's screaming cocklodger.

It definitely doesn't sound right.

His family has spoken about her, not in a good light, but I tend to keep out of that side of things as it was way before I came along.
It was explained when I met him as it was all sorted out, just the final bits to sign off, as I told him I don’t want to get involved with a situation that still involves an ex.
yet 2 years later - it’s not remotely sorted out.

But now reading all this makes me realise, I can only make decisions for me and my future, without considering him, as he’s clearly not considering me.

Perhaps now is the time I need to put some distance between us, and let him figure this all out himself

OP posts:
CormoranEllacott · 21/11/2023 22:03

Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 21:40

He is quite often on the phone to the letting agent about drama with the houses, he has always been upfront with me from the day I met me, invited me to works events within a month or so, met all his friends and he gave me keys to his house etc so I’m pretty satisfied they do exist.

But I get what you’re saying, I have asked him why he would make such a monumental offer and he just said the years he has left to get a mortgage will soon not be enough to be able to buy his own house again, and he wants to move on.

I wish my ex husband had been like him 😂

Show quote history

Maybe he’s in financial difficulties and owns them at the moment, but potentially going to lose them anyway. Gambling issues for example. Obviously somethings going on. Anyway, he’s prioritizing his ex-wife over you, here. Beyond what’s reasonable and normal.

Theunamedcat · 21/11/2023 22:05

The judge won't sign off on such an unbalanced deal unless he lied and it was hers from before the marriage

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 22:08

AutumnFroglets · 21/11/2023 21:50

He is quite often on the phone to the letting agent about drama with the houses, he has always been upfront with me from the day I met me, invited me to works events within a month or so, met all his friends and he gave me keys to his house

Oh dear. That's a lot of red flags by themselves. Too much, too soon, with a shitload of drama about divorce and tenants (that is what you paying letting agents for, to stop the drama).

EDIT - He feels he can invest enough into a pension the next 10 years to make up for the loss. He does have a high salary,
But who will house him, pay most of the bills and entertainment, food, holidays etc while he throws money at his pension 🤔

Edited

See that’s the weird thing about all this, he is incredibly generous to me - frequently booking lovely spa weekends and presents and always insists on paying. I guess salary wise in the here and now he can do that, but once he’s got shot of the pension part, he will need to knuckle down.
I love the weekends away and everything, and he has very exacting standards about everything being the best he can get, however the party will stop soon, and it does make me wonder if he’s setting me up to replace that element of his spending when he can no longer afford to….

No problem sharing when we are both doing it (as we are now) but not sure how I feel about making sure his ex is comfortable in her retirement whilst he lives on a state pension?!

OP posts: