Not sure if this is even any of my business…..but

[Feelingslightlyuneasy]

This is my first post on MN after being a long term reader…I thought it’d be the best place to come for some anonymous opinion 🙂

The situation is that having got divorced three years ago, I met my new partner nearly 2 years ago.
I am in my early 40s, he is 10 years older and we both have no children. I am divorced, finances split and both myself and my ex have moved on and have no contact with each other.

My partner is divorced, but has not come to an agreement around finances yet. He has no contact with his ex, save through a solicitor.

He has made a number of offers to settle financially, all of which have been declined.

He mentioned casually that he has now offered the entirety of the 3 houses they jointly own (all are rented) He has no pension as these houses were meant to be the pension. Everything else jointly owned has already been handed to the ex (who also has no children and does work)

Even his solicitor said this was ludicrous and not to offer anywhere near this. If accepted, it would leave him with nothing and starting again. He says he has done this as he wants to move on with life without the constant drag of this not being settled. I’m not sure why he doesn’t just go to court, but he insists he doesn’t want that.

Having been with him nearly two years, I don’t know how I feel about this. It seems a little like he is throwing away any future and only considering his past.

We do both have well paid jobs, and I own my own place, so we technically do have a chance of building something back up again, but I guess I just want some opinions if I am being unreasonable to think he should discuss this with me before offering away everything he has, and the chance of a secure future?

Maybe I just need to withdraw a little from the relationship until it’s sorted out? It’s a shame as we get on so well, he is a lovely kind man who is trustworthy and caring but I just feel odd about offering your whole life without considering a future life with a partner - particularly as this was his pension?

What I can't understand is why he is telling you all this. Why share his ridiculous plan with you in the first place? Baffled - and if I were you I'd be gone since there's no arguing with stupid.

Yes and that is what is raising a massive red flag as to why he wants to avoid court at all costs - even despite his solicitor saying she will not make the offer without him signing a disclaimer to say it’s against her advice.
Hugely odd.

Make it clear you won’t be moving in with him or sharing finances, and see if he changes his tune on handing over the three houses?

You've hit the nail on the head with your last update OP. I think he's gearing you up to take care of him.

Pushing you to go for promotions and the fact that you're 10 years younger? You can look after him when he retires! He's investing now to secure his future.

He never actually discusses it, and shuts down if I ever mention it.
He drops in these little nuggets every so often as if to say ‘look I’ve now offered this and it will be sorted next month’ and I’m like why the actual fuck would you offer that? (In my head obvs!)
Then I go away and seethe at what a complete idiot he seems to be.
he never discusses it, merely informs me when he has already made the offer

Potential cocklodger was my first thought. Has he dropped any hints about moving in together?

If you were a friend, I would be worried for you that wanting to keep things out of court meant he had something to hide. It doesn't add up.

Do you know about Claire's law?

https://nationallegalservice.co.uk/how-do-i-use-clares-law-to-check-my-partners-history/

Anyway, he’s prioritizing his ex-wife over you, here. Beyond what’s reasonable and normal.

I think this nails it. Even if that isn't his intention. Sorry OP. If it were me, I would be in detective mode right now, or to avoid that I'd have to back away...

You know what, I hadn’t even thought of that.

He seems terrified of even getting a speeding ticket, but I may look into doing this as now you’ve mentioned it, this may be the reason why he needs to keep it out of court

A person with nothing to hide, hides nothing

What’s his salary? If he’s 50 and can invest the maximum 60k a year then he should be on track for a million by the time he’s in his 60’s.

How much equity is the BTL’s? I was an accidental landlord for 6 years. It’s a hassle I would prefer to avoid again now I’m in my 50’s. I just wasn’t cut out for it.

I can understand him wanting to move on and the cost risk benefit analysis may not be as detrimental to his life as you think.

You seem pretty sorted and although it's sad after a couple of years together I'd maybe back off and see how it all pans out for him. It all seems a bit weird and complicated really. He doesn't appear to be entirely truthful and I'd find that hard.

He is treating you now so you feel obligated to support him when he is skint..

You must be so frustrated with the way he is approaching this. However, I don't know how much you know about his financial circumstances, so I wonder if he actually owns the properties he is talking about at all?

I would be dubious about it all TBH, and even if he can prove that he owns the properties outright in his own name, the fact that he is being financially idiotic in handing over the lot, would make me think that there is something far more complex going on here. Either with his own financial situation which could be all fiction, or him still having feelings or ties with his ex and this is his way of keeping her in focus - all the unnecessary drama for instance.

I'm sure you are asking the same questions, but my mantra in life is ALWAYS trust your instincts, and I think you are. There is something not right about someone "donating" the entirety of their worldly goods to an ex, when they don't have to. Hmmmm.

Have you seen proof of any of this? Any proof that he is actually seeing a solicitor or that he owns these houses? Or even that he's actually divorced? I mean I thought the financial settlement had to be finalised before the divorce goes through?
What was she asking for that couldn't be easily agreed that it's gone on so long?
I have an ex that I was engaged to who was divorced- so he told me- we were engaged and had booked our wedding. He told me at the end of the day all about the court case he'd been in, and what the judge had said in a financial matter - guess what - no court case, and also no divorce ... that's only half the story but it got me wondering about your
Bloke

Yes this has crossed my mind too, I see solicitors bills when I go to his house when I’m working at his desk, and he is constantly arguing with the solicitor about how much the bill is. Odd when you’re throwing the rest of what you apparently have around like confetti…

After I got divorced, I had a short relationship with a guy who showed me his divorce certificate as I was suspicious with him ‘working away in Saudi’ turns out he had made it himself; was changing the clocks behind him on every video call, and was still married - and living an hour away from me! So im pretty suspicious now, and have verified a lot of what he has told me.
He often hands me his phone unlocked to search something, so isn’t cagey with that, but he is not a good communicator so is very closed on any subject he does not want to talk about

I would take a step back. Definitely protect what you have and make it clear you won’t be subsiding him in the future.

There's a recent thread from a woman whose boyfriend moved in with her 6 months ago and hasn't paid a bean for anything since. However, before he moved in he was generous with dinners out and presents.
He was reeling her in until he got his feet under the (her) table.
That "Saudi" story is insane

He’s wrong. You need a pension pot of about a million quid to generate an annual pension of £40k. If he can start from scratch and build that up in his fifties then he’s an extremely high earner.

Plus the annual allowance would scupper him

I would be wary of getting any more involved until his financial order is agreed with his ex wife. Certainly do not move it with him.

Look up the Legal Queen on Facebook, she recently did a video saying along the lines of that if you move in with a new partner following your divorce, when it comes to filling in form E you need to state the financial details of your new partner and this could have an impact on any settlement you reach with your ex.

He's after a nurse with a purse

He has mentioned this very thing actually - he’s talked about moving in but renting somewhere, with only his name on the tenancy as otherwise they’d take my salary into account.
that would mean I could keep my place and rent it out if I lived with him.

tempting, but also does not feel right to do this when things are still not sorted out

Ridiculous! If he has no children then why? I'd really wonder what his reasoning was, and reconsider a relationship with him!

Tell him that before he goes ahead with such a stupid idea......

he’s talked about moving in but renting somewhere, with only his name on the tenancy as otherwise they’d take my salary into account.

Ehhh??? Why would they if he's signing over three houses to her, and there are no children? Wtf OP!