Not sure if this is even any of my business…..but

[Feelingslightlyuneasy]

This is my first post on MN after being a long term reader…I thought it’d be the best place to come for some anonymous opinion 🙂

The situation is that having got divorced three years ago, I met my new partner nearly 2 years ago.
I am in my early 40s, he is 10 years older and we both have no children. I am divorced, finances split and both myself and my ex have moved on and have no contact with each other.

My partner is divorced, but has not come to an agreement around finances yet. He has no contact with his ex, save through a solicitor.

He has made a number of offers to settle financially, all of which have been declined.

He mentioned casually that he has now offered the entirety of the 3 houses they jointly own (all are rented) He has no pension as these houses were meant to be the pension. Everything else jointly owned has already been handed to the ex (who also has no children and does work)

Even his solicitor said this was ludicrous and not to offer anywhere near this. If accepted, it would leave him with nothing and starting again. He says he has done this as he wants to move on with life without the constant drag of this not being settled. I’m not sure why he doesn’t just go to court, but he insists he doesn’t want that.

Having been with him nearly two years, I don’t know how I feel about this. It seems a little like he is throwing away any future and only considering his past.

We do both have well paid jobs, and I own my own place, so we technically do have a chance of building something back up again, but I guess I just want some opinions if I am being unreasonable to think he should discuss this with me before offering away everything he has, and the chance of a secure future?

Maybe I just need to withdraw a little from the relationship until it’s sorted out? It’s a shame as we get on so well, he is a lovely kind man who is trustworthy and caring but I just feel odd about offering your whole life without considering a future life with a partner - particularly as this was his pension?

Good for you, OP.

He is under no illusions, following our conversation this morning, that I will not take part in this charade any longer. I’ve told him he knows where I am when he decides if he wants a future, but I can only decide if I do, once I know how’s it’s all been resolved

You're a very wise lady, OP; so many would have found excuses for him and ignored their gut feeling, so it's really refreshing to hear from someone who employs some real common sense

Of course it's a shame when you liked him, but it would have been an even bigger one to saddle yourself with huge potential problems

It sounds like he is not divorced

So, it would be better to find someone who is 100% single

@Feelingslightlyuneasy

Whilst it’s difficult as I do worry about being on my own forever, I’d rather be that than taken for a fool again

I've said time and again on these boards that it's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.

As far as being on your own, the upside is that all decisions belong to you and you don't have to consult anybody else. Want a pink polka dot living room? Your decision. Want to fly to Rio for Carnival? Your decision. Want to buy something ridiculously extravagant that you've always wanted? No one to say 'Nay'. Want to eat the whole damn cake in one sitting? No one to pull a face at you for not sharing. Want to visit your family or friends or invite them to stay? No one pulling a face and saying "You know I can't stand <insert relative>". And you don't have to put up with someone else's family/friends, either.

We are only as alone as we want to be. Join groups, meet new friends, volunteer. The world is your oyster. My mum was widowed after 52 years of a wonderful marriage. She never even considered dating or finding a new man. She was happy with her memories and busy as a bee with family, friends, church, and canasta. I plan to model myself on her.

So basically, he's handing his EX a golden ticket to never have to work again, whilst pushing you, the woman he supposedly loves, to essentially work harder

THIS

I bet he wouldn't be doing this if he was single

It seems odd that a couple split up?!?! Are you quite alright?!

Your mum sounds wonderful 🙂

I think now is the time to focus on work, get myself secure financially and spend more time with friends who I have probably been neglecting as I’m always with him.

Before I met him I was single for a few months, I went on holiday on my own, took myself out for nice meals alone and generally just enjoyed life doing what I want, when I want. I’m quite looking forward to it!

Are you certain they had 3 houses? Have you seen proof of this. I dont know any man who would give it all up

My mum was wonderful. She had a great moral compass and really knew who she was. Our family was truly blessed with her.

I think your idea re focusing on yourself is a great one. And yes, it's time to reconnect with your friends. This is just the time of year to tie the ties that bind us a little tighter. I'm sure they've been missing you.

And give this some thought, has he been 'monopolizing' your attention? Has he been sort of trying to distance you from your friends? That's a red flag for sure of a controlling person.

I'm glad you're looking forward to your new life. The world is out there, go conquer it!!

Actually I think the biggest red flag of all here is that he can't communicate openly with you. How can you have a long term relationship on such a basis?

Totally agree, he has never been able to openly discuss anything. If I ask a question and it’s something he doesn’t want to talk about, could be anything from work to finances to making an arrangement for something, he will ignore me for hours, even when I’m speaking directly at his face. He says he shuts down and can’t function.

he then came up with the solution of texting from different rooms, but I wasn’t to push him on any subject he isn’t comfortable with - basically anything 😂

I’d often leave his house when he behaved like this and he would text 5 mins later to ask me to come back but he doesn’t want to talk about it whatever it Is (could be something like my Xmas party or where we are staying) I never would go back and then all manner of gifts would arrive the next day.

Far, far too much effort for my liking.

Wow, that's pretty manipulative of him. So he "shuts down" so that basically you have no say (as he won't listen), then when he realises he's gone too far he tries to reel you back in again.

I think you know he isn't the man for you.

My take is different op; my take is they are her houses, and he’s been fighting her for them, and she’s fighting not to let him, and now he’s giving in. That he’s spinning uou a load of bullshit. He may do some of the management, making calls in front of you to prove it. But I think this man has been living off his ex and is now trying to get her rentals. That’s why he’s encouraging you financially.

This could well be the case - although he has always been a high earner, and the ex either worked part time or didn’t at all. I’m not massively surprised, many years of the silent treatment along with the level of control he seems to need over everything from where the spoon is put whilst cooking, to how the curtains are arranged whilst closed, must be absolutely soul destroying and exhausting.

I wish I could do something to explain all this to him so we could work on it, but he just tells me to stop going on and says he can’t be changed at his age.

I predict a string of short relationships coming his way as on the face of it he’s beyond a catch, however the reality of being with someone who’s has to be in control of absolutely everything (other than his own future, it seems) is unlikely to make anyone want to stay long term.

Funny thing is - just as I’ve told him I need to now get on with my own life and planning a future for myself, he suddenly piped up with the fact the ex has now offered to settle. Ok, love 😂

I would be livid with this and would tell him unless he agrees to 50/50 we’re over as there’s no way I’d want to be inadvertently subbing his ex wife.

I have to say though, you really don’t seem too fussed about this relationship ending, most people are in love after a year or two, you just seem a bit…meh?! Which is fair enough I guess, seems like you had more problems than just this money issue.

It’s taken me a long time to get to this place, many tears and talking to a brick wall. I did absolutely want a future with him and could have seen myself for the rest of my life with him. But I’ve come to the sad reality that 70% isn’t enough, the refusal to discuss something that impacts us both plus not being able to discuss feelings, ever, is just something I can’t cope with for the rest of my life. We should be a team after 2 years, yet I am always kept at arms length when it comes to talking about decisions.

He has absolutely no support network, no family he speaks to , and he would never talk to a friend about this so he gets no opinion from anyone else about how odd a thing this is to do. He will not take my opinion into account, despite being quite happy to discuss my financial situation etc.

Loving someone just isn’t enough when he never puts you first

Oh. Dear. God.

Read that back to yourself. And again. And then read it as though it was a friend posting.

You really accepted being treated like that for two years??!

Yeah I totally see that now, I always saw this tortured soul that needed me to help him communicate, so I’d try to be understanding.

However, I can see now that he doesn’t see he needs to change, nor wants to nor would be willing to ever take on board anything around my feelings as he said he doesn’t have any himself, so doesn’t understand why anyone else does.

he certainly seemed to have them when I first met him!

What you have there is a controlling man with red flags for emotional abuse. The stuff with the financial settlement is just the icing on the cake. Lucky escape.

nor would be willing to ever take on board anything around my feelings as he said he doesn’t have any himself, so doesn’t understand why anyone else does.

Just when I didn't think your updates could get any worse...

I'm glad you are seeing this now though as it means if he tries to woo you back in a couple of weeks you won't fall for his nonsense. Because that is what it is. Nonsense. Not love, or caring, or kindness, or respect, nor any of those lovely supportive emotions that make relationships thrive.

Wow sounds like you had a lucky escape too. He sounds like an absolute piece of work.

I totally get what you mean, the control with this guy is such things as I put my watch down the wrong way and he’ll come into the next room to tell me and monitor whilst I get up and put it ‘the correct way up’ all things to make me comply to what he wants, he would unstack the dishwasher after watching me stack it, because it wasn’t done to his liking etc etc etc.

I think some guys just need that micro level of control to feel safe or something. Not a bad guy at all, just with traits that I don’t feel I could live with.

That’s a very kind way of seeing it. I don’t know if I agree or not. Control is often about power over someone else. If it becomes that, it’s abuse.