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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure if this is even any of my business…..but

155 replies

Feelingslightlyuneasy · 21/11/2023 21:20

This is my first post on MN after being a long term reader…I thought it’d be the best place to come for some anonymous opinion 🙂

The situation is that having got divorced three years ago, I met my new partner nearly 2 years ago.
I am in my early 40s, he is 10 years older and we both have no children. I am divorced, finances split and both myself and my ex have moved on and have no contact with each other.

My partner is divorced, but has not come to an agreement around finances yet. He has no contact with his ex, save through a solicitor.

He has made a number of offers to settle financially, all of which have been declined.

He mentioned casually that he has now offered the entirety of the 3 houses they jointly own (all are rented) He has no pension as these houses were meant to be the pension. Everything else jointly owned has already been handed to the ex (who also has no children and does work)

Even his solicitor said this was ludicrous and not to offer anywhere near this. If accepted, it would leave him with nothing and starting again. He says he has done this as he wants to move on with life without the constant drag of this not being settled. I’m not sure why he doesn’t just go to court, but he insists he doesn’t want that.

Having been with him nearly two years, I don’t know how I feel about this. It seems a little like he is throwing away any future and only considering his past.

We do both have well paid jobs, and I own my own place, so we technically do have a chance of building something back up again, but I guess I just want some opinions if I am being unreasonable to think he should discuss this with me before offering away everything he has, and the chance of a secure future?

Maybe I just need to withdraw a little from the relationship until it’s sorted out? It’s a shame as we get on so well, he is a lovely kind man who is trustworthy and caring but I just feel odd about offering your whole life without considering a future life with a partner - particularly as this was his pension?

OP posts:
Daftapath · 23/11/2023 12:30

Your latest updates give me the shivers.

Aside from all his shenanigans around the divorce/financial agreement, monitoring how you put your watch down IS abusive. I bet he has trained you to do lots of things his way and you do them automatically now without realising. His lack of communication is also control. Run! Even if he settles his finances with his xw, this behaviour towards you will not ever change.

The fact that his xw will only communicate through solicitors speaks volumes here. I would consider whether he is continuing his abuse of her through being difficult about financial agreements.

This is not a good man. So many red flags. End the relationship. Permanently

DropDeadFreida · 23/11/2023 13:21

Your updates make it clear that this is an abusive man who was attempting to groom you. Please read all your updates back to yourself over and over again OP and ask yourself why you would ever consider having a relationship with this man even if he sorts all his finances out?

Get out now while you can.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/11/2023 13:30

Not stalker style but have you Googled his ex? Maybe she wasn't what he claimed to be at all. Could explain some... But the making you move your watch was terrifying reading. Thats some issues there op..

SurelySmartie · 23/11/2023 13:40

he just said the years he has left to get a mortgage will soon not be enough to be able to buy his own house again, and he wants to move on.

That doesn’t make sense. The proceeds he would have from the sale of half of that would likely mean he wouldn’t need a mortgage?

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 23/11/2023 14:06

SurelySmartie · 23/11/2023 13:40

he just said the years he has left to get a mortgage will soon not be enough to be able to buy his own house again, and he wants to move on.

That doesn’t make sense. The proceeds he would have from the sale of half of that would likely mean he wouldn’t need a mortgage?

Yes precisely. He seems terrified of court, and the ex so there is something there definitely not right - but I’ve learnt there’s no point in asking as he will not discuss it and stonewall for days on end while shaking his head, if I do delve too deep

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 23/11/2023 14:08

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/11/2023 13:30

Not stalker style but have you Googled his ex? Maybe she wasn't what he claimed to be at all. Could explain some... But the making you move your watch was terrifying reading. Thats some issues there op..

I have googled her, and spoke to the one family member he does speak to, about her.
She didn’t have much to say other than she doesn’t like her, and that she has always taken from him.

That could all be a narrative driven by him though

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 23/11/2023 14:09

It sounded like you already ended it yesterday, OP? He responded that he was going to sort the finances. But you’re not falling for it so that’s good. Is he leaving you alone now? I’m glad he doesn’t live near you!

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 23/11/2023 14:15

Firefly2009 · 23/11/2023 14:09

It sounded like you already ended it yesterday, OP? He responded that he was going to sort the finances. But you’re not falling for it so that’s good. Is he leaving you alone now? I’m glad he doesn’t live near you!

Yes I did tell him that I wanted no more to do with it. He came back and said the ex solicitor had now said she’s ready to settle. More than a little coincidental!
He’s text a few times, never addressing the issue just asking if I want to go on a weekend away/sending me links to houses he wants to either rent or buy.

I feel so much more clarity that this just isn’t for me, I won’t feel sorry or worry about missing out on being with my him again now

OP posts:
SequentialAnalyst · 23/11/2023 14:16

I’ve learnt there’s no point in asking as he will not discuss it and stonewall for days on end while shaking his head, if I do delve too deep

Sums up perfectly why it's a good thing you've ended it.

pikkumyy77 · 23/11/2023 14:22

F

Firefly2009 · 23/11/2023 14:25

His response is interesting and so revealing!

I am curious to know what he will say when you double down and make it clear this is over. I’m glad to hear you’re detaching from it though.

AutumnFroglets · 23/11/2023 14:25

I think some guys just need that micro level of control to feel safe or something. Not a bad guy at all, just with traits that I don’t feel I could live with.

No OP, based on what you have written in this thread he has been abusing and controlling you since the beginning. He is a very very bad man. Unfortunately you can't see it as he has trained you not to question his behaviour but one day you will get a sudden realisation that nothing about your relationship was normal at all. Your reality will tip. Seek counselling to protect yourself from men like him before dating again. Take care Flowers

Concannon88 · 23/11/2023 14:40

I cant believe someone who owns several properties and is a landlord (high aspirations) is willing to let them go so easily. I think hes lying and he doesnt own any, the divorce is an easy way to get rid of the problem of coming clean.

DropDeadFreida · 23/11/2023 14:49

It wouldn't surprise me if the properties were actually hers in the first place. Maybe that's why she didn't work full time? This may have been her inheritance or something and the rent her own income. I'd question everything he says to be honest.

Firefly2009 · 23/11/2023 15:13

I don’t think OP is likely to ever find out about the finances as she’s ending it with him. I just wonder how he’s going to react when he realises he can’t manipulate anymore.

TheNoodlesIncident · 23/11/2023 15:32

Please block him @Feelingslightlyuneasy, show him you mean it when you say you're done. No good will come of this guy!

Homewardbound2022 · 23/11/2023 18:03

RESTACKING the dishwasher is a dumpable offence on its own!
I wouldn't trust myself not to stick a bread knife in between his shoulder blades.

Original poster
Feelingslightlyuneasy · 23/11/2023 18:33

Homewardbound2022 · 23/11/2023 18:03

RESTACKING the dishwasher is a dumpable offence on its own!
I wouldn't trust myself not to stick a bread knife in between his shoulder blades.

After having stood in silence, watching me stack it 😂
Seriously though, I’m lucky I met him now, when I am much stronger and resilient than I was a few years ago as I could see how this could really depress and destroy someone who is vulnerable (like I was a few years ago) Many month’s of counselling from my previous employer paid dividends that I now feel strong enough to walk away, it would not have been the case a few years ago

OP posts:
SequentialAnalyst · 23/11/2023 21:27

Brilliant, OP. You nearly got sucked in again, but you had learned from previous experience, and this time you saved yourself before you got too far inSmile

StarStarStarStarStar

daisychain01 · 24/11/2023 05:44

I’ve told him he knows where I am when he decides if he wants a future

I'm staggered that you would even consider a future with this idiot, with a track record of texting you from another room to avoid communications and being a bare-faced liar.

Really? Goodness knows what he's done to deserve any loyalty from you. No wonder he's come crawling back saying everything's sorted with his ex. You'd be crazy having anything more to do with him.

billy1966 · 24/11/2023 06:17

You sound great OP, but this thread is chilling.
I wouldn't believe a single word from him.
I think he is a liar.
I think you could well be a sting, his long term retirement plan.
Presently an investment he is making for his future.
Men can age very rapidly mid to late 50's and there is absolutely no guarantee of health.
This man is alone and undoubtedly your age and solvency make you an excellent investment as indeed a nurse with a purse.
At your stage of life I wouldn't share finances with anyone, simply too risky.

I think doing a Claires law would be an excellent idea, but either way, run.

It is no coincidence that he has quickly returned with a resolution.

He is hiding so much.
Being afraid of a parking ticket?
There is undoubtedly a back story.

The houses being hers and he has managed them seems more believable, hence his encouraging your career🙄......nurse with a purse and #hisretirementplan sounds most likely.

billy1966 · 24/11/2023 06:21

Oh and in his early 50's starting his pension plan?

Has he a 100k+ to put in a year to get it where it should be to provide for himself?

Because doing an acturary calculation can be quite the eye opener that late.

Mirabai · 24/11/2023 08:05

daisychain01 · 24/11/2023 05:44

I’ve told him he knows where I am when he decides if he wants a future

I'm staggered that you would even consider a future with this idiot, with a track record of texting you from another room to avoid communications and being a bare-faced liar.

Really? Goodness knows what he's done to deserve any loyalty from you. No wonder he's come crawling back saying everything's sorted with his ex. You'd be crazy having anything more to do with him.

I have to agree. The updates are dismal. The question is now why you’ve even wasted 2 years on him. This getting involved with liars seems to be a pattern.

Riverlee · 24/11/2023 10:13

billy1966 · 24/11/2023 06:21

Oh and in his early 50's starting his pension plan?

Has he a 100k+ to put in a year to get it where it should be to provide for himself?

Because doing an acturary calculation can be quite the eye opener that late.

I think op was his pension plan!

SequentialAnalyst · 24/11/2023 11:32

This getting involved with liars seems to be a pattern.

As I said above, OP noticed much earlier this time, and I bet she has now pretty much learned what red flags to look out for. She has changed the patternSmile