Not sure if this is even any of my business…..but

[Feelingslightlyuneasy]

This is my first post on MN after being a long term reader…I thought it’d be the best place to come for some anonymous opinion 🙂

The situation is that having got divorced three years ago, I met my new partner nearly 2 years ago.
I am in my early 40s, he is 10 years older and we both have no children. I am divorced, finances split and both myself and my ex have moved on and have no contact with each other.

My partner is divorced, but has not come to an agreement around finances yet. He has no contact with his ex, save through a solicitor.

He has made a number of offers to settle financially, all of which have been declined.

He mentioned casually that he has now offered the entirety of the 3 houses they jointly own (all are rented) He has no pension as these houses were meant to be the pension. Everything else jointly owned has already been handed to the ex (who also has no children and does work)

Even his solicitor said this was ludicrous and not to offer anywhere near this. If accepted, it would leave him with nothing and starting again. He says he has done this as he wants to move on with life without the constant drag of this not being settled. I’m not sure why he doesn’t just go to court, but he insists he doesn’t want that.

Having been with him nearly two years, I don’t know how I feel about this. It seems a little like he is throwing away any future and only considering his past.

We do both have well paid jobs, and I own my own place, so we technically do have a chance of building something back up again, but I guess I just want some opinions if I am being unreasonable to think he should discuss this with me before offering away everything he has, and the chance of a secure future?

Maybe I just need to withdraw a little from the relationship until it’s sorted out? It’s a shame as we get on so well, he is a lovely kind man who is trustworthy and caring but I just feel odd about offering your whole life without considering a future life with a partner - particularly as this was his pension?

I think because that isn’t agreed yet, as every offer is rejected by the ex.

so if it ends up going to court, they’ll have to do form E again and disclose all financial matters - whixh I definitely don’t want to be involved with.

At the start of all this, he was livid and refusing every counter offer proposed, trying to prove that he earnt all the money etc. he was also very open to discussing it.

As time has gone on, he has closed up and now seems desperate to get it sorted but also doesn’t want to talk about it. In one of his more ‘sharing’ moments, he told me this was because he was so very depressed that he’s losing everything he’s ever worked for. Which begs the question, why not fight to keep some?

^Then I go away and seethe at what a complete idiot he seems to be.
he never discusses it^

If you can say this about your partner he ain’t the one.

He’s either an idiot or hiding something - both are dealbreakers.

Bizarro OP. There’s a reason why he’s divorced.

Absolutely. I try my best to rationalise that everyone has issues/little things about them that are annoying. Hell, anyone looks good compared to the previous disaster 😂
But I think I can now see this is no basis for a long term thing, we need to cool things off and I’ll re look at it once it’s sorted

No one gives 3 houses away, no one, particularly if there are no children involved and a divorce would generally be a 50/50 split if the marriage had been long enough, there is something going on that he is not telling you without a doubt.

It's coming across as though he doesn't need to prepare for his future as he has found a single woman who owns her own house, good job/wages and probably has a decent pension and savings. He wins. You lose. just posting this gem again, he has lined you up to finance his retirement whilst also being his carer, don’t be fooled by what he buys you now and don’t let yourself end up financing a geriatric cocklodger. This is very much your business as he has lined you up to pick up his tab the sneaky git.

Run OP! He's setting you up to be a 'nurse with a purse' - get your trainers on the hills are that way 👉🏼

Which means he’s giving conflicting information here. If he’s planning on giving her everything, then why would it matter if you were living together? Obviously, I wouldn’t get entwined with him at all in this situation. But it is curious why he’s saying and doing different things.

Are you sure he's actually divorced OP? Financials have to be agreed before the decree absolute.

Something very very odd going on here.
Are you prepared to put more numbers to this?

You say he’s concerned about time left to get a mortgage to buy a house to live in now.

Which means these 3 houses aren’t owned outright - as he could get a mortgage today if they were.

Which means that even if he “gives” them to her, she has to pay the mortgage (mortgages?) on them.

But you implied that he was the high earner not him - so how is she going to do that?

Any chance he’s a big spender (like the “generous” spas for you) and the reason this is complicated is because they’re all on interest only BTL mortgages with little equity?

So he “gives” them to her - and never has to explain to you that it was smoke and mirrors and not a great asset collection. But that stalls if she can’t take them on (can’t get a mortgage?) - or doesn’t want to.

You say he’s already given her their other joint assets - what? You rarely have 3 rental properties but no marital home. What happened to that?

I wouldn’t believe a word of this.

Are you sure that in 30 odd working years including now as a high earner he’s got no pension except these properties?

Given how tax efficient actual pension saving is, I’m… surprised.

You sure he’s not trying to offload heavily mortgaged properties with tenants that have to managed just as the private landlord market is under pressure onto her? When she’s actually saying - no, I’ll have a chunk of pension instead thanks?

This is too odd to be true.

Honestly I don't believe a word.

First thought. So many red flags with this man.

That’s not true.
Crackers, but not true.
You can get divorced without sorting finances out at all.
You can apply for a Consent Order after a Decree Absolute. Years after! Any time.
What you can’t do, is have a legally binding Consent Order until your Decree Absolute. You can (should!) agree it before but it only becomes binding when the Absolute is granted.

This is just my take....For the ex to be turning down every offer means that this will need to go to court. If it goes to court, likely it will get split 50/50. It's a win-win situation so why not just get on with it and do that? If he'd done it earlier, he'd now be in a better position.

He doesn't want to go to court because he's hiding something. Or he is an idiot.
And I agree with other posters, that for me either of those would be a dealbreaker.

Even in a best case scenario, he's not being transparent enough with you.
My last significant relationship was with a divorced guy. They'd been divorced for over a year and separated for two. And they were still trying to settle the finances. I admit that I'm ignorant about divorce settlements, but without kids involved I just don't understand it. I was dealing with what looks like a similar thing to what you're dealing with. The ex-wife was being difficult and he seemed unable to just sort it out.

My main problem for me though was him being cagey about it; that could have been for any number of reasons, including emotional baggage but that just isn't okay with me, so it was the beginning of the end. I won't date another man again that doesn't have this stuff sorted; but especially not when your DP gets cagey. Rip the plaster off and go to court FFS!

At the very least, do not share any finances with him and do not move in with him. I'm so glad in my situation I did not allow myself to be pushed into moving in with him.
Thinking of you. Let us know how it goes.

Honestly: I’d put money on the 3 properties being BTL IO mortgages that have recently had a big % interest rate rise - and she can’t take on the mortgages, and they’re spent the equity on holidays and fast cars 🤷🏻‍♀️

I love the weekends away and everything, and he has very exacting standards about everything being the best he can get, however the party will stop soon

I bet those BTLs have been remortgaged and rinsed for every drop of equity to fund years of his “exacting standards” and “the best he can get” 😉

No decent solicitor would be condoning this as you describe it. Either he has lots of other assets you don't know about it there is something else going on.

But it's not your business really technically as you aren't married etc so you would be well advised to play your cards a little closer to your chest til the dust has settled.

I don't know what he's playing at but either he's stupid (unlikely) or there's something going on

Either way it wouldn't be for me

I'd be saying goodbye

Although thinking about it one mortgage is bad enough in the current climate let alone multiples...

Have you pointed out to him if he becomes ill, loses his job or has a bad accident he will very much need the 50% proceeds from the houses to fall back on.
He is not being sensible or logical.
As has be suggested perhaps the houses are highly mortgaged anyway so not much money is left in them.
Has he told you what the proceeds would be from the sales once any mortgages or loans are repaid and after legal costs? Do you know how much is involved? .

The houses are a liability, his ex is rightly not agreeing to his not so generous offer and probably wants a % of his pension.
This man is likely a liar and has his eye on using you for financially at some point.

I would back off completely, you can't trust him.

Situations like this are one of the reasons that, should I lose my DH, I will NEVER marry nor cohabit ever again. TBH, I don't even see myself being 'involved' with someone.

At any rate, in OP's situation I'd make it clear that living together or marrying is NOT in the cards. I'd say I'd be happy to be 'exclusive, committed companions/partners who share their lives', but he is not putting his boots under my bed. See how anxious he is to give away 3 houses and all his pension pot then.

He’s prepared to either work until he dies of old age or survive on the little he manages to squirrel away in the next ten years, after paying off another mortgage and general living expenses, rather than go before a Judge? Even though he’s prepared to argue the point about everything else?

Yeah, there’s definitely something he’s not being honest about. I’d second the advice to do a Claire’s Law thing. He could be telling you lots of lies about his finances and these houses don’t exist, or he’s hiding an off shore bank account full of money he doesn’t want to share with his wife, or he’s a con man who is playing the long game, or he’s a wanted criminal and doesn’t want to go near a court room, even if it isn’t a criminal court. None of these scenarios play out well for you. Is he really worth all this worry?

I would need to have a very serious conversation that given he's in his 50's, what is his plan for money in retirement? Where will he plan to live and fund himself. I couldn't be with someone who was choosing to make themselves destitute- I've worked and do work too hard to be finding someone else's retirement!!!!

I think you just need to be really upfront and say that you’re not interested in pursuing a relationship where he is happy to give away a financial safety net that could help secure your future together. You’ve been together two years not two months, so it’s perfectly reasonable for you to have some skin in the game at this point. Let him know that there is a big factor he hasn’t considered here and that’s you! Maybe that will be enough for him to come to his senses. Ridiculous for him to think his income is even guaranteed at this age, so many things could go wrong and the rental from the 1.5 properties that are his could be a lifeline, for the both of you. Perhaps knowing that he has more to lose (you) will be the cold water her needs to come to his senses. If he truly cares about taking care of her then there is nothing to stop him giving her some money down the line if needed.

Op you sound so sensible. Make sure you and your assets are not any part of his future financial plan.