Not sure if this is even any of my business…..but

[Feelingslightlyuneasy]

This is my first post on MN after being a long term reader…I thought it’d be the best place to come for some anonymous opinion 🙂

The situation is that having got divorced three years ago, I met my new partner nearly 2 years ago.
I am in my early 40s, he is 10 years older and we both have no children. I am divorced, finances split and both myself and my ex have moved on and have no contact with each other.

My partner is divorced, but has not come to an agreement around finances yet. He has no contact with his ex, save through a solicitor.

He has made a number of offers to settle financially, all of which have been declined.

He mentioned casually that he has now offered the entirety of the 3 houses they jointly own (all are rented) He has no pension as these houses were meant to be the pension. Everything else jointly owned has already been handed to the ex (who also has no children and does work)

Even his solicitor said this was ludicrous and not to offer anywhere near this. If accepted, it would leave him with nothing and starting again. He says he has done this as he wants to move on with life without the constant drag of this not being settled. I’m not sure why he doesn’t just go to court, but he insists he doesn’t want that.

Having been with him nearly two years, I don’t know how I feel about this. It seems a little like he is throwing away any future and only considering his past.

We do both have well paid jobs, and I own my own place, so we technically do have a chance of building something back up again, but I guess I just want some opinions if I am being unreasonable to think he should discuss this with me before offering away everything he has, and the chance of a secure future?

Maybe I just need to withdraw a little from the relationship until it’s sorted out? It’s a shame as we get on so well, he is a lovely kind man who is trustworthy and caring but I just feel odd about offering your whole life without considering a future life with a partner - particularly as this was his pension?

Funny how you always overhear him arguing about the houses with estate agents, and arguing with solicitors. Funny how paperwork is on view for you to come across.

It's giving someone on a phone in public saying, "Yes, a million pounds? No problem! Buy it!" but with no one on the other end.

Do you know how easy it is to make paperwork that says anything? Obviously it won't stand up to scrutiny, but if the person doesn't know what to look for they will be in the dark. It's not to fool a judge. It's to fool you. Right now I could produce a 'deed' that says I am the legal owner of the Sultanate of Brunei. It will be on the wrong type of paper, wrong font, wrong wording etc, but how would you know?

I'm really struggling to believe a middle-aged man with a high/good salary has no pension.
That's all those fucking guys talk about!

Especially as he’s planning to make up his entire pension in 10 years.

This is very fishy. Why is he so determined not to go to court yet willing to give her the entire 3 jointly owned properties, having allegedly handed over all of their other joint assets?

He’s hiding something. He’s behaving very oddly. The current showering you with treats at the same time that he’s planning a future where he has zero savings and assets makes me very suspicious. I think you’re right to keep all your finances separate from his, but I wouldn’t trust him either to be honest and I’d be concerned about some revelation further down the line.

OP when you / he are talking about 3 houses, are they mortgaged? What is the actual equity that js within them that he is giving away? And roughly how much are they worth?

There is a big difference between owning outright 3 houses in Mayfair to owning 3 studio flats with 99% mortgages in a low cost area. Solicitor bills would soon equal 3 low equity, low value flats. Perhaps with the changes to various bills around landlords he half wants out of being a landlord anyway.

Just to put the other perspective on this, He has / is 2 years into trying to sort his divorce and is watching money he has earnt fritter away without resolution. All the time wanting to move on with life. He is then trying to balance a new life with you, unable to really move on until this is sorted.

If he is a high earner then very likely he will be experiencing stress at work too. Dealing witt calls from letting agents is just more hassle. All the time the situation not improving.

I'm not a soft person and have children that would hold me back from being extreme however if I were with no dependents, had a good chance of earning well enough to replenish the money lost to divorce, my desire to move on would outstrip my want to hold onto some equity in rented houses.

The thing is though, at least how I have understood it, is that he is presenting the situation as though those properties are part of his financial portfolio, rather than being negative equity. It's the potential shadiness of it all that is more of an issue. There's more to this story.

Tell him to go to court. He will end up with more. And it’s ok to say he needs to have something to live on in retirement, as you won’t be supporting him. Hopefully that gets the point across.

When he gets fed up, he flounces, is my guess.
Instead, he should find his steely resolve and fight for what he is entitled to - as I had to do, when my Ex refused to co-operate over the divorce settlement.

Funnlly enough, I've recently been having dealings with someone similar to my Ex, who turned out not to be the friend I had thought he was. When I asked for the return of the money I had lent him, he more or less refused point blank. I persisted.

He got so fed up that he got really really cross, so cross that he fired off a text saying how cross he was, and that he was so cross I could have the money back then (as if "that would teach me"(!)) - and paid me back the money! I secretly fell around laughing

Just be careful.

I think the ex in Saudi story makes more sense to be honest. This one sounds like it’s destined for one of those Take a Break ‘ I can’t believe it’ endings that everyone else can see coming from a mile off.

if he’s acting so much against his solicitor’s advice that she wants a waiver signed, and he’s constantly arguing her bills, why’s he still engaging her?

Don't move in with him and don't share finances, Just enjoy dating. If he wants someone to live with he will be off, just you wait.

Thanks for everyone’s advice, it’s really helpful. I’m going to go with my gut feeling here and back off.
although everything appears to be verified by other people (his family) and he has invited me for an inspection he recently booked on one of the properties (I declined as why would I care?!), it does seem more than a little odd why you’d be so desperate to go against the solicitors advice.

Hes the only person I know that would pay someone to give him advice, and then not take it, or even listen to reason

The houses have a total equity approaching 400k. This was on the form E along with banality such as expensive pans, and this how it started off as petty tit for tat around who has what asset.

The main concern throughout seems to be providing a monthly spousal support payment for the rest of his life. It was requested, but he doesn’t seem to understand requesting, and getting awarded at court are two different things. This seems to be the motivation for cutting loose in such a drastic way - but it doesn’t make financial sense, as no spousal support will ever be forever with no kids.

maybe he’s fed up and wants done, but that just shows me he’s willing to be walked over and not fight for his own future. Not a trait I find attractive.

Either way, I think he needs to walk this tightrope himself, I’ve done my own divorce and don’t need to be worrying about someone else’s and all the associated drama.

Onwards and upwards!

Thanks everyone xx

Honestly age gaps really start to show when you get to retirement age. I’m not concentrating on the you may have to care for an older spouse either it’s about the dates you can retire. DH is 3 years younger than me so I am waiting for him to be able to retire. His career kicked off later than mine as he did a PhD so was studying till he was 26. He needs more years of NI and his own pension contributions.

A mate of mine has also retired early like myself but his wife is 12 years younger than him. Even though they are comfortable and we all have decent enough pensions on the event of spousal death those pensions halve in value so it is important to have your own.

Do not move in with him.

You can check the ownership of the houses at Land Registry.

If he's that considerate of his ex then you may want to consider he still loves her

Go for your promotion and use it as an excuse to step back until the dust has settled.

He’s a complete fool.

Truth tellers tell, liars sell. That's what came into my head when you said he wants to take you for a tour of one of the houses. It's all very very strange.

Good luck OP you’ve got your head screwed on straight.

It’s difficult to know whether he’s hiding something thus trying to avoid court - or if this is an ill-considered knee-jerk panic reaction. Neither is good though.

Yes that’s a fair point - I have quite a good pension from a previous career and can take that much early than state pension age.
But still, he is significantly older and will probably still be dragging his moody arse out of bed to go to work, in his 70s at this rate.

When he has discussed buying a house in the future, he has gone to great lengths to explain to me that we will hold the property in unequal shares as to who puts what deposit down - so looks like he’s trying to avoid round two of the asset grab 😂

I’ll just by my own house, thanks - and then I get to keep all of it.

This is the problem with dating when you are older, there is always massive baggage not to mention those skeletons from previous lives.

Im sure it’s easier to be a hermit wIth lots of cats!

One other factor in all this is that we, thankfully, live quite a long way from each other, which makes him moving in to my place unviable.
My place has been sold as it was a stopgap, and was deciding if to buy in a nearer location to him.

But no, I’ll buy a bigger house where I live now, and let him figure his own life and finances out

Op give yourself a massive pat on your back. Not many women so grounded and sensible on here with your set of circumstances. May you serve as an example to wannabe doormats.

Ah Thankyou! I’ve been through the mill with Saudi guy so promised myself I’d never have my choice taken away from me again.

Whilst it’s difficult as I do worry about being on my own forever, I’d rather be that than taken for a fool again

The absolute can be granted before the financial but it is incredibly stupid to do so.

And there's no way he can avoid court. Even the most amicable, zero assets divorce needs the financials rubber-stamping by a judge. It's costing him thousands in solicitors fees as it is, never mind potentially giving away 3 houses - he needs to draw a line and go through court to get things finalised.

(my dp wasn't fully divorced when we met, was fully amicable and it still dragged on for 3 more years. I gave him an ultimatum <stupidly was expecting his baby> to get divorced and it was done in weeks, minimal costs, already established financial separation)

Just to say I did go to decree absolute before the settlement was negotiated. This was possible because we each had the tiniest of pension pots, roughly equal, so there was no issues over division of pensions. The house and savings were all we had to divide.

I had to take him to court to get him to co-operate over the settlement. It cost £3K, which the solicitor deferred till I had the money from the settlement. My solicitor managed to get him to pay £500 towards costs. He had not engaged his own solicitor, and my solicitor had to write him a carefully worded letter explaining what he had done wrong in the process, and what he should do!

The money I had to spend on freedom was money well spent! And my solicitor was great

I doubt spousal support would be mandated with no children unless she is unable to work due to ill health disability etc. I think he is worrying unnecessarily.

My goodness, it’s enough to put you off for life isn’t it! You never foresee this when you first meet someone.

Well for me, much as I enjoy my job, I sure as hell ain’t working my arse off to indirectly fund his ex wife’s retirement 😂

His shit, his problem now.

Genuinely, the clarity this conversation has given me has been mind blowing.
To have other people back my gut feeling up means the decision is easy.

He is under no illusions, following our conversation this morning, that I will not take part in this charade any longer. I’ve told him he knows where I am when he decides if he wants a future, but I can only decide if I do, once I know how’s it’s all been resolved.

Much as I really do like him, I will not be his nurse with a purse.,,

I think you’ve done the right thing op.

He’s either lying to you or to the ex and possibly both.