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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find home births completely selfish

323 replies

Baabaaba · 21/11/2023 17:10

No I know I’m going to sound like a grumpy ogre but having been recently diagnosed with cancer and feeling as crap as I can do I was given the displeasure to listen to my neighbours have a home birth last nigh. She and baby are both home and well now however they did need a blood transfusion and ended up going in an ambulance anyway. Am I being unfair to think why did they keep me and my two children up all night with her screaming which nearly killed her when she would have had a safer delivery in hospital and if of had a better night sleep.

I know this is selfish and I am being unfair but honestly why put your health and baby’s health in danger I’m genuinely want to be told how I’m being unfair

OP posts:
OceanicBoundlessness · 22/11/2023 08:20

Two home births and could have avoided a wole lot of trauma had the first been born at home.
Second was a very quick 2 HR labour. Yes, there was screaming for about 45 mins. I really enjoyed that bit! It was cathartic and more a getting the trauma of the first birth out of my system type thing than anything to do with what was going on at the time.

Third, I had my mother and sister in law round. They hardly realised I was in labour. I sent them home and the baby popped out less than an hour later.

All births were carefully considered, cascade of intervention, risk of infection, emergency situations etc. The hospital birth was by far the most risky because of the interventions that I didn't want or need.

We have an elderly neighbour beside us who shouts and screams a lot of the night (sundowning). It's really not pleasant, but having made sure social services are aware and spoke to family and carers we are reassured our neighbour is being well cared for. I'm sorry to hear about your cancer and how the lack of sleep has affected you but having a baby is a one off thing and noise just comes with the territory of having neighbours.

therealcookiemonster · 22/11/2023 08:24

TheKeatingFive · 22/11/2023 08:16

I fully recognise the issues and inadequacies. but at home the patient is on their own with NO help

But that's not true. They have (at least) one midwife attending solely to their care. Something that is not guaranteed in a hospital and the reason why 2 people I know had catastrophic birth outcomes in the hospital.

a midwife who is not medically or nursing trained... they are awesome at handling labour but not able to deal with unwell patients or if things go wrong with the birth also you need access to equipment and drugs when things go wrong, none of that is available at home. I am all for low intervention births, but in a safe environment.

I'm very sorry that two people you know had bad outcomes. I'm a tough girl and have seen awful situations but things going wrong in the obstetric unit, still breaks my heart.

what you are describing is anecdotal evidence and may even be evidence of the NHS failing generally (its really really bad right now) but does not demonstrate that home births are safer.

TheKeatingFive · 22/11/2023 08:26

a midwife who is not medically or nursing trained

Anyone I know who has a home birth was attended by a fully trained midwife.

what you are describing is anecdotal evidence and may even be evidence of the NHS failing generally (its really really bad right now) but does not demonstrate that home births are safer.

Yet, it is my understanding that for low risk, second time mothers, home birthing IS statistically safer.

Emi199 · 22/11/2023 08:31

therealcookiemonster · 22/11/2023 08:05

Perhaps read my post again?

I am fully aware of the differences between UK and Bangladesh, i have a background in studying the differences in global health systems.

I have been working in maternity units in the UK for over a decade as an anaesthetist. I am a uk trained doctor and I fully recognise the issues and inadequacies. but at home the patient is on their own with NO help. insufficient help is better than no help.

I am tired of patient safety being compromised because certain (misogynist in parts - women don't need healthcare!) agendas are being pushed. see the report on the Royal Shrewsbury Trust. running resus on dying mums is definitely one of the worst things I have experienced. because maternal mortality is so rare in this country now, people have forgotten that it can happen and it was not too uncommon even a fifty years ago.

Edited
Show quote history

Really great to hear from medics. I asked my midwife and the student with her if they had or would have a home both and they both said never. I didn’t ask why.

MassageForLife · 22/11/2023 08:32

Nightmarerels · 21/11/2023 22:28

DN has CP after things went wrong and were not spotted without the monitoring and immediate intervention available in a hospital. Not a first, so considered safe to not be in hospital.

Weeks in NICU and the impact is lifelong.

I got no monitoring in the hospital until I needed to push, and then I had to try to get the attention of someone as they were nowhere to be seen. I had much better care at my home birth.

One of my closest friends has a daughter with CP, and she was born in a hospital.

Ultimately you don't know that being in a hospital would have made any difference.

I sincerely wish that the situation could have been different for both you and my friend. I have seen how hard that life is for her and her husband. I hope though, that there is as much love and fun in your house that there is in theirs.

TheKeatingFive · 22/11/2023 08:35

One of the people I know who's had a home birth is a doctor.

itsdark · 22/11/2023 08:36

Because no-one has ever needed a blood transfusion after a hospital birth right? 🙄

Emi199 · 22/11/2023 08:43

I was just surprised that two midwives wouldn’t have one as they really wanted me to go to a birthing centre and not a Labour ward. I thought that’s be keeping with their anti intervention (if possible) stance. I’d have been less surprised if an obstetrician said they’d never have a home birth and I wasn’t surprised when my friend’s husband - a surgeon but not an obstetrician - also said he was happy she wanted to go to hospital.

We all have our anecdotes and I think it can be good to share them too alongside the actual data of course. That’s what’s most important. I wanted to read both and indeed both perspectives when I made my decisions about everything pregnancy and parenting.

Greywhippet · 22/11/2023 08:45

Yes, utterly selfish. YANBU OP. A drain on scant resources.

itsmyp4rty · 22/11/2023 08:56

20 years ago I was told there was little to no chance of getting a home birth with the NHS - I'm surprised there is any chance at all now, they certainly won't over stretch themselves, if there aren't enough staff them they'll just tell you it's not possible. People should be able to have the birth the way they would like it IMO so it's a real shame. But the NHS is shit. I got an independent midwife in the end (for other reasons) and the care was worlds away from what I had with the NHS. I couldn't recommend getting and independent midwife enough especially if you want a home birth.

OP you potentially face many, many nights ahead being kept awake by an unsettled baby so I would get some good ear plugs if I was you.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/11/2023 09:27

I’m still intrigued as to how a woman gave birth, for blue lighted to hospital, lost so much blood she needed a transfusion, had the transfusion, recovered and was discharged and chatting to a neighbour in less than 24 hours.

And screamed " non stop for 6 hours " Really ?

sunglassesonthetable · 22/11/2023 09:28

Yes, utterly selfish. YANBU OP. A drain on scant resources.

😂😂😂👍🏻Indeed. Fancy having a baby!

Fairtobefairohhhhhc · 22/11/2023 09:33

I have had 4 children. 3rd one was a home birth and was the best one I had. Easy, quiet, clean and quick. All the hospital ones ended up being bloody awful. First one they didn't have space. So the room I had wasn't cleaned I had to change my bloody sheets myself after giving birth. They also forgot about me so.nearly did it alone as they sent dh away. This was 10 years ago. Not so long ago! The 2 others where only on hospital because my contractions stopped for 2r hours after waters breaking otherwise number 4 was planned for home too. I went home the same day at 1am with my last because Anti natal wings are like hell on earth

Mariluisa · 22/11/2023 09:43

Ok I’ve changed my mind a bit after the update about all the other people present cheering the labouring woman on. But I still don’t think HB is inherently selfish. The selfishness here is coming from whoever allowed all the bystanders, because they endangered a mother and baby’s safety

MsRosley · 22/11/2023 09:48

Anti natal wings are like hell on earth

I agree. Ante natal wings can be very anti natal, in my experience 😂

ohwellhi · 22/11/2023 09:49

I don't think home births are selfish because the screaming disturbed your sleep. That just life, I think.

I do think they can be considered selfish because of the amount of resources they need.

GP's can only do home visits in extreme circumstances because in the time it takes them to do one home visit they could have seen 6 patients in surgery.

It's similar with midwives being deployed for home births, not to mention the strain on ambulance services, so it does seem a little unfair from that point of view.

CandyLeBonBon · 22/11/2023 09:56

Well if you heard her screaming in labour op, you're most likely going to hear a newborn baby crying at all hours so not sure how you're going to cope with that?

Lots of people have shit going on, and I'm sorry you've got cancer but yabu.

Hibiscrubbed · 22/11/2023 10:23

CremeEggSupremacy · 21/11/2023 22:25

Giving birth at home is the furthest thing from ‘selfish’.

It’s pretty far from safe, too.

Naptrappedmummy · 22/11/2023 10:24

Both my hospital births were awful. The first time just because the baby got stuck not the fault of the hospital at all. Second time because they didn’t believe I was in labour until I was 10cm and then all hell broke loose as i was supposed to be carefully monitored in active labour due to pre existing issues which obviously hadn’t happened. I would’ve felt safer at home with the full attention of a thorough midwife to be honest. It felt like in hospital it was easier for the buck to get passed and things to be missed as various people come in and out.

Mariluisa · 22/11/2023 10:30

Most mothers I’ve met who’ve chosen HB are in their second pregnancy and had trauma from how they were treated in the hospital setting for seemingly straightforward births. They went in blindly trusting the first time

Littlecatonthefence · 22/11/2023 10:38

God people on this thread are so misinformed its scary.

OP Im so sorry for your recent diagnoses and know this must be traumatizing for you but you are being unreasonable along with alot of people on this thread.

People that comment negatively about home births have zero idea and are basing their opinions on perception NOT FACTS - and no im not going to quite the facts because it wouldnt matter to alot of you but you can find them very quickly on official statistics within google.

But the thresholds for hombirths are alot stricter therefor its the same, IF NOT SAFER to have a home birth.

Birth is primal, natural and messy, how dare you all condemn someone for being loud whilst giving birth in their own home.

Pololo · 22/11/2023 10:47

MsRosley · 21/11/2023 18:36

Multiple home births here, all without incident. Women's bodies are designed to function most efficiently when they are in a secure and familiar space. Hospital environments are more likely to lead to complications, not less.

No they aren't. Women at medium and above risk of complications do not have home births at a large enough rate to feature in the statistics. This is a gross misunderstanding of birth outcome statistics.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/11/2023 10:55

Relentlessly, posters have said

it is selfish = midwives are deployed 'away' from hospitals

Other posters have already pointed out that these are COMMUNITY midwives who would not be in a hospital anyway.

Could someone clarify this one way or another? And apologies to those who already have.

JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 22/11/2023 10:59

My community midwife who delivered my first baby at home is also a friend and the community team is separate to the team at the hospital. They rotate between community, ward and delivery suite. Therefore no one is taken from the hospital to attend a home delivery. She is the one who suggested my first birth was a home birth.