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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying to DH over having rostered day off.

162 replies

Liarliarpantsonfireahhh · 21/11/2023 08:30

I get a rostered day off every fortnight. It’s my day to catch up on everything and have some time to myself.

My dh has a child from a previous relationship with a medical condition that requires a lot of appointments.

Almost every rdo he asks me to take his child to an appointment. It’s usually mum that takes him, but as she works it’s difficult. I stopped writing the rdo on the calendar as I think she would book things on my day off. Now I think he tells her when the day is. And I know I should, as it means life is a bit easier, but it takes all day and I hate it. Today I had my rdo and it was great. I told dh the day got changed at the last minute. He had to call in sick Monday as I couldn’t take the child to the appointment.

Is it unreasonable to assume my day off is mine?

OP posts:
duvetday9 · 21/11/2023 08:32

It is unresenable to Lie about it..

BoxOfCats · 21/11/2023 08:32

YANBU. The child has two parents, if you weren't there they would have to find a way to manage.

mamamadammim · 21/11/2023 08:33

No it isn't unreasonable at all. Yes on the odd occasion, but they are both taking the piss expecting you to do it all the time so it doesn't interfere with their plans!

Why isn't your husband taking annual leave so he can care for HIS child?

Danikm151 · 21/11/2023 08:33

Just don’t lie. Be frank and tell him that you feel taken advantage of.
He has 2 parents that should organise appointments around their schedule

whyamiawakestill · 21/11/2023 08:33

Can't you just say "I have a day off to myself"? Why does he get to control your life to this extent.

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 21/11/2023 08:34

Erm he should be taking his child if his mum is working, that's a no brainer. Unless you have explicitly said you will do it, I take all the kids to medical stuff BUT my dss lives with us full time and has done for 12 years and I want to and I offered, it was 100% never expected!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/11/2023 08:34

YANBU but I think you need to be honest with him that you don't want to help with this, at least not on a regular basis. I get that it's difficult for the child's mum and dad, but it's their responsibility, not yours.

As an aside, your DH shouldn't be calling in sick when he isn't sick!!

rookiemere · 21/11/2023 08:35

I think you should have a conversation with him about not scheduling appointments for his DC on your NWD. Not telling him when it is, is as good a way of that happening as anything else though.

TheresaCrowd · 21/11/2023 08:35

Not unreasonable no, but definitely unreasonable to feel you need to lie about it.

How did it get to this point?

You two need a big chat where you let your own needs be very much known.

Gymmum82 · 21/11/2023 08:36

I think you just need to tell your partner you’re not willing to take his child to appointments anymore. Not your child. Not your responsibility

EdinaMonsoon · 21/11/2023 08:37

YANBU to consider your RDO as yours alone. It’s just unreasonable that you feel forced to lie about it. It sounds like you are being used as default childcare. I’m not a stepparent, so perhaps others would take a different view, but personally I would not be willing to spend every RDO doing what is being asked of you. Ultimately, their child, their responsibility to ensure that they are able to take child to appointments or put alternative childcare in place.

TheDinnerDilemma · 21/11/2023 08:40

The appointments are for the child’s parents to sort. I’d help out occasionally but not all the time. I wouldn’t lie about my day off, I’d tell my husband to change his expectations and take responsibility for his child.

wokbun · 21/11/2023 08:40

It absolutely shouldn't have got to the point that you are lying about it.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 21/11/2023 08:42

Your not unreasonable but lying is. People normally lie (when they normally dont lie at all) when they can't or are afraid to tell the truth. I would lie to my abusive ex out of fear.

Why do you feel like you can't tell the truth. What makes you feel like lying is the only option?

MidnightOnceMore · 21/11/2023 08:42

If you have to lie about it, there is a serious relationship issue.

IMO a healthy situation would be the parents do most of the appointments, you help when they can't manage it.

AnneElliott · 21/11/2023 08:45

No you shouldn't have to take him but it Shiism t be expected - you're not a parent. He has 2 of those to sort it out. Yes you should have a conversation but stop telling him when your day off is.

AnneElliott · 21/11/2023 08:46

Shouldn't be expected*

Smileycup · 21/11/2023 08:49

I am guessing that a RDO is instead of weekends off? Does this mean that you often are working at the weekend when they are not? Most medical appointments are in the week. So because you CAN do it without taking leave, it’s fallen to you?

If I am right, this means that you get less time off because your leisure time is taken up doing parenting. Time off should be equal.

Im mixed on the lying. I can imagine doing this because I know it would cause a row. But ideally it would be an honest discussion about your need for time off too and an agreement about how much you are willing to do.

All that said, children with medical conditions can start to feel like they are a burden and it can massively impact on their self esteem. I think it’s really important that none of you leave the child feeling like it’s a chore to do it. It should be seen as a good opportunity to spend some 1-1 time with them. From the child’s point if view, you, as a step parent, choosing that time would be really good for their self-esteem so if and when you feel like you do have the resource then I think it’s a lovely thing to do for them (rather than a favour for the parents).

Original poster
Liarliarpantsonfireahhh · 21/11/2023 08:49

Sorry I should have said I have told him I don’t want to. But it is still expected. I really should just refuse and if it’s still expected just not take him. I have pretended to be sick to get out of it too.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 21/11/2023 08:50

The lie is unreasonable, but not the rest.

It doesn’t bode well for the relationship if you cannot tell him you’d prefer not to spend every day off facilitating appointments.

crumblingschools · 21/11/2023 08:50

This is not a good relationship

TheJabberwocky · 21/11/2023 08:52

What did they do before you came along? Is the mother booking the child’s appointments based on your day off? Can you change your rdo so it’s on a different day and then just tell your partner that going forward it may be more flexible and you won’t be available? I guess that’s still lying to be honest, but whilst I don’t agree with lying I think you will end up with a load of shit if you just say no.
The child’s parents need to organise formal care for the appointments going forward.
you are not his carer.

Leftphalange100 · 21/11/2023 08:52

I agree with others. YANBU to not want to do it.

Yabu to lie and pretend to be sick. You either need to be a bit more assertive or you are scared for some reason to tell him the truth

Rjahdhdvd · 21/11/2023 08:53

I kind of get this as I’ve got a day off coming up that I won’t mention until the last minute as I don’t want DH to ask me to do jobs on that day. However I think in this situation you just say no I’ve got things to do and that you’ll do it once every 3 months or whatever feels appropriate (if that’s none then that’s also fine)

HardcoreLadyType · 21/11/2023 08:54

Are you the only person that takes your DSS to these appointments? In which case, it is very unreasonable of your DH and his ex to schedule things like that.

Or is it 3 people, each taking a reasonable share of the load? In which case, it is unreasonable of you to marry someone with children and not accept that you also have responsibility for those children.

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