Lying to DH over having rostered day off.

[Liarliarpantsonfireahhh]

I get a rostered day off every fortnight. It’s my day to catch up on everything and have some time to myself.

My dh has a child from a previous relationship with a medical condition that requires a lot of appointments.

Almost every rdo he asks me to take his child to an appointment. It’s usually mum that takes him, but as she works it’s difficult. I stopped writing the rdo on the calendar as I think she would book things on my day off. Now I think he tells her when the day is. And I know I should, as it means life is a bit easier, but it takes all day and I hate it. Today I had my rdo and it was great. I told dh the day got changed at the last minute. He had to call in sick Monday as I couldn’t take the child to the appointment.

Is it unreasonable to assume my day off is mine?

I would do one in three appointments. They can’t argue with that.

Firstly, notwithstanding any drip feed back story, I think appointments should be 50:50 covered between the mum and DH. HE needs to set this up with the mum.

This.

I mean I think you could - and probably would happily - help them out in an emergency, or do something like one in ten appointments, but not be the default person. Isn’t this what unpaid parental leave is for - or can either of them work flexibly?

How do you and DH share finances, does it impact you financially if he takes unpaid leave, or uses all his annual leave on it?

This!

I think by telling lies, it looks like you are trying to cover up.

Be honest, it's a no!

It does impact him and mum, as they tend to use up sick leave on appointments. He is annoyed with me tonight for having the day off. But there is no point in working the extra hours if I don’t get to enjoy the day.

I won’t lie again. I realise it’s going to make it worse.

They can’t use sick leave for this indefinitely? Their work won’t put up with this forever. That’s why they’re pushing it on to you.

They need to work out between themselves how to do this. Drop hours, etc.

Whatever it is, it’s not up to you unless you want to volunteer.

Sounds like they’ve agreed between themselves that you’re the answer to their mutual parenting issue. This is their issue. If they are using sick leave to take their child to appointments they aren’t using their weekend time. Why should you use what’s effectively your weekend to help them out?

Why can't one of them request to work compressed hours ? Sounds like it would be helpful for the appointments.

Most hospitals do Saturday appointments now cant the appointments be made for a Saturday (presuming mum and dad work Mon-Fri).
You say the mum makes the appointments for your day off so she obviously has some control.

It's not about making it worse, it's about your DH making you feel you have no other choice. That's not great.

I'm assuming from what you are saying you work a compressed hours schedule so you also still have weekends? He needs to understand you put in the graft on the other nine days to get this day. (Unless he somehow facilitates your longer hours e.g. looking after other DC, for example). It doesn't make you the go-to option for appointments.

That said, a child needing this many appointments is obviously unwell putting pressure on everyone. It sounds like you need to be able to have an open convo with him, and once he understands and accepts his position, he and the mum need a sustainable plan for these appointments.

This.

It's not your responsibility OP and they'd have to manage between them like other parents do if you weren't around!

I'd just say you're not able to do it as you have plans on your day off, and just keep repeating that until one of the child's parents takes proper responsibility for him.

Well, of course it impacts them. They're the child's parents. They're the ones it SHOULD be impacting, not you.

Once in a blue moon, fine. But once a fortnight? That's not fair on you at all. If they don't have jobs that allow THEM to work compressed hours or flexitime to deal with their own child's medical condition, they need to start looking for one.

Annoyed is he? Oh well, that’s a shame. Doesn’t make it your problem. You’ve been annoyed at having other people try to allocate your free time and they haven’t given a shit. Hold firm.

@Liarliarpantsonfireahhh Can I just confirm what the position is with regard to your working days?

If I have read your posts correctly, you work a compressed week Monday to Friday. so extra hours work 4 days a week and then the 5th one off, but you also get both weekend days off as well? Is that right?

Your husband needs to request flexibility due to having to attend the appointments not farm out the responsibility for his wife to deal with.

Yes it will impact on his career just like many women’s careers get impacted. Alternatively can he access the appointments privately at a time that suits the parents?

What type of appointment is the child having every 2 weeks that take the whole day?

Is it something private**? (assuming so as they seem able to book it around your rdo)

** private as opposed to NHS

Have you ever said no, you're not happy with them dictating your time off and that you won't do it anymore?

Try it, whats the worst that can happen?

Unreasonable to lie yes
Unreasonable for not wanting to do it ?no

If you can't assertively say no no matter how annoyed he gets then you absolutely should lie.

You are not their babysitter or childcare, between them they can manage this.

I would also re-assess how much you do for your DH, why he doesn't give a shit about your time off and whether you really want to spend your life or have kids with such a selfish man.

Which is fine until he runs out of Annual leave and OP wants to spend some time with him/ go on holiday etc.

OP YANBU to not want to do it all the time especially if you think they're purposely arranging so that you can, but it seems iffy that you resent it so much if its a long term issue as issues may keep coming up. Also lying isn't great

Parental leave can be taken in single days if your child is disabled. It is unpaid but doesn't then eat into any annual leave entitlement.

I think they're being unreasonable. They put you in this position every time regardless of whether you agree. That's why you're having to lie. They shouldn't have this expectation. They are not entitled to your time.

I imagine it's different if they were grateful and appreciate and try to make it up to you in other ways. Do they? Or are they being CF about it?

Of course she resents it. Her day off each week is being usurped by her DH and his ex for childcare. They should prioritise their child and speak to their employers about compressed hours / flexi working.

Laughable that you're so moralistic about OP saying she's working and yet fine with her being used as their skivvy.

If they have a disabled child the parents can take a day of parental leave for this (rather than a full week).

https://www.acas.org.uk/parental-leave#:~:text=Each%20parent%20can%20take%20up,a%20year%20for%20each%20child

OP, I am shocked by the fact that neither parent had even considered sorting out somebody to take their child to his hospital appointment.

You get lots of threads where women who are being treated unfairly/exploited are told to 'just stop enabling', and that is exactly what you did.

Yes, there were consequences to a vulnerable, disabled child. But what do people think will happen when women stop doing the unpaid, undervalued labour expected of them?

Are you even allowed to take a child for whom you don't have PR to a medical appointment? Unless they are 15 and can make their own medical decisions.
YANBU at all except that you shouldn't have to lie.