Lying to DH over having rostered day off.

[Liarliarpantsonfireahhh]

I get a rostered day off every fortnight. It’s my day to catch up on everything and have some time to myself.

My dh has a child from a previous relationship with a medical condition that requires a lot of appointments.

Almost every rdo he asks me to take his child to an appointment. It’s usually mum that takes him, but as she works it’s difficult. I stopped writing the rdo on the calendar as I think she would book things on my day off. Now I think he tells her when the day is. And I know I should, as it means life is a bit easier, but it takes all day and I hate it. Today I had my rdo and it was great. I told dh the day got changed at the last minute. He had to call in sick Monday as I couldn’t take the child to the appointment.

Is it unreasonable to assume my day off is mine?

”I am not going to be doing this. I love your dc (if you do, or life/ fond of), but it’s not for me to take them to appointments- it’s between you and exw. I’m not going to be telling you when my day off is from now on because I don’t want you to plan things for me to do. That day is my own.”

And if he pesters about it, leave him.

Don't lie and don't pretend to be sick. Just point blank don't do this any more.
If the child misses an appointment that's a shame but they have two parents who should be taking care of them. You're being taken advantage of.

Then you need to be VERY firm and tell your husband again that you're not spending every day off taking his child to an all day medical appointment.

When do you get a break exactly?!

They can’t make you do it after all. Any more than you can make them be considerate of you and your time.

Presumably this is instead of a weekend day, so you need it?

I get what everyone else is saying....

But

You married him knowing he had a special needs child. I'd be pretty hacked off if I had to lose a day's pays when my life partner was able to do the job AND not lose a days pay. Your family unit loses out financially.

It's not really a partnership if you don't share the load.

This is daft, you shouldn't have to lie or pretend to be sick.

Firstly, notwithstanding any drip feed back story, I think appointments should be 50:50 covered between the mum and DH. HE needs to set this up with the mum.

Secondly, you and him are married, so you're a team. Are there negative implications for him financially, career or otherwise when he has to do it? Could you help e.g. 1 in 3 of 4 of his ones? Simply because a marriage is a bit of give and take?

Do we know that they lose a days pay?

If the OP has to work weekends but gets a RDO instead, because mediaeval appointments fall in the week, it would mean that she gets less leisure time. Which isn’t fair either.

But I guess we don’t know how evenly split things are or if there is a financial need. More info needed OP

I don’t think a child should suffer just because the adults can’t discuss and agree. That’s not on. Not to mention the awful waste of NHS resource here. The grown ups need to sort this out without the child feeling like they are a burden and without missing medical appointments (which would be a safeguarding issue if it happened regularly enough).

Very true. However it is also assumed the OP only gets this day off, that's not necessarily true either.

I agree. It concerns me that DH just goes ahead and expects it even though she’s said she doesn’t want to do it. That needs sorting out first and foremost.

True.

More info needed OP.

Medical appointments. Not mediaeval!! Can’t edit.

Tell him that you're not doing it anymore and you've booked yourself in for something on your days off.
Let him still expect it you ignore the expectations and do your own thing.
And it's fine to stop telling him when it is but you now there are bigger issues here.

I work extra hours during the week. Dh and the boys mum use sick or annual leave to take him to the appointments.

Are you both working full time, OP?

Can DH consider dropping his hours to facilitate his dc's appointments?

I think it depends if it's an extra day or in lieu of a weekend day.

It's taking the piss for the mum to expect you to use your day off so she can relax, but equally if an OP posted on here saying she was taking days off work because her husband didn't want to help with her child and wanted an extra day to play golf instead he'd get crucified.

No he shouldn’t !
He should be telling his company the truth as it’s a medical appointment . The parents need to be frank with their employers and sort it out for their child .

I've just come out of a marriage where I was expected to do everything for my step son. Both exh and his ex took massive advantage of me over the years. I miss my step son but I don't miss the being taken advantage of at all. You have my sympathy op - I know what it's like.

You are just the step mother I cannot imagine why his mother tries to evade the appointments. I would want to be there.

Are they actually grateful for all that you do? Do they thank you for it?

I never used to get any sort of appreciation or thanks off either my exh or his ex for looking after my step son. In fact, his ex couldn't stand me yet excepted me to look after her son at any given moment!

Tell your dh you're not doing it anymore. Its not your responsibility. He hasx2xparents not 3. If he doesn't get the message, tell him you're going to text his ex wife letting her know that's the case. Why should you work extra hours to accommodate which is frankly their parental responsibility. They're taking the piss.
If they continue, then constantly change your day off so there's no pattern so they can't rely on you for this.

I'd just tell the pair of them that they're his parents and it's down to them to sort out appointments.
What would they do if you wasn't on the scene?
Whatever the reply to that is, is what they need to do.
I'd personally want to be at my own child's appointments, not ship him out to the step mum.

If you are telling your husband you don't want to do it, but then still go ahead and take him, then a large element of this is your own fault.

Attitudes to step parenting varies. There are some who treat the children as if they were their own and fully share the parenting. And others who take a stepped back approach and don't want to actively parent. And these things are influenced by the behaviours and attitudes of the mum and dad. Neither approach is right or wrong, since all families are different. Some parents would prefer step parents to not be doing what they see as their own role, others will be fully embracing of shared parenting. But everyone involved must be clear and honest.

Lying to your husband about this is wrong and damaging. You have to tell him that you feel this is too much and not your responsibility. Be tactful but truthful.
If you aren't getting any time off because you are either at work or doing this, you have to point out the inequality of it.

I would probably agree to do appointments that really couldn't be rescheduled or dad couldn't get time off for, but if the child has a condition that will always require regular appointments then mum and dad have to find work that allows for this and not assume you will always be available

I don't blame you for lying this time but just tell him that you aren't doing it any more and won't use your days off for this reason.

Helping out occasionally I think is ok but it shouldn't always fall to you. Realistically you won't be in a position to make decisions on his care so really his actual parents need to work it out between them and you be a back up for emergencies only.