Lying to DH over having rostered day off.

[Liarliarpantsonfireahhh]

I get a rostered day off every fortnight. It’s my day to catch up on everything and have some time to myself.

My dh has a child from a previous relationship with a medical condition that requires a lot of appointments.

Almost every rdo he asks me to take his child to an appointment. It’s usually mum that takes him, but as she works it’s difficult. I stopped writing the rdo on the calendar as I think she would book things on my day off. Now I think he tells her when the day is. And I know I should, as it means life is a bit easier, but it takes all day and I hate it. Today I had my rdo and it was great. I told dh the day got changed at the last minute. He had to call in sick Monday as I couldn’t take the child to the appointment.

Is it unreasonable to assume my day off is mine?

I completely disagree with this. The 'rota system' need not involve OP at all - just the child's actual parents would suffice.

While it’s unrestored lie to your DH, they are being unreasonable to expect you to do their childcare.

I would never lie to my hubby no matter what, you get caught out and then it makes you wonder about everything that's said to you. Have a frank convo they maybe don't even realise you would like some time. Just sounds like a not thinking thing nothing major

Exactly this! People need to get a grip with the emotive suggestions that OP is leaving the boy to die ffs. He has two perfectly capable parents who can and should take him to his appointments.

I would never rely on anyone other than my child's other parent to take them to a medical appointment. I'd have to adapt my working life around my child's needs if I was in that situation, and the only other person I'd equally expect to do the same would be the child's father. No one else.

It depends upon how long you have been together, your future plans and whether you will become a step mother to this child. You shouldn't be doing it every time, but neither should you lie about it.

YABU for lying but YANBU for not wanting to use up your day off when the DC has two parents who can take DC to appt. What is the point of you working extra hours over a fortnight so you get time in lieu off, only for it then to be used up because the parents of the DC want you to bring their DC to the appt?

I would be telling DH - I'm not willing to use up my day off to bring your DC to appts. It is you and the mother of DC's responsibility to bring DC to these appts, not mine. I wouldn't even offer in an emergency right away either because they'll take the piss. So I'd set a firm boundary now - you will not take DC and maybe in the future if they respect your boundaries then maybe the odd time you might want to do DH a favour the odd time (but you don't have to). But for now - no, I will not take DC to appts.

Not your problem and l wouldn’t get involved. The child already has 2 parents and they can work it out between them. Take it in turns, use annual leave, trade days off etc. It must be great having a 3rd adult to fob things like this onto. Interestingly it always seems to be step mums who end up in this situation.

None of that matters if OP doesn’t want to do it. It’s their parents job.

And what kind gesture (gag) will OP ever get from the boy's mother and father, pray tell??

We all know the answer to that, don't we??

And the favours always ever flow in one direction.

Oh nothing, but OP should be HONOURED to be expected to do this for DSS. That’s the SM’s lot in life. They should accept whatever they’re given with thanks, while never being able to ask for anything themselves. ‘Be kind’ etc, ‘you knew what you were getting into’, ‘the poor DSC has two separate christmases, this is the least you can do’

Exactly! Most of us don't have that 3rd adult to take on things like this and just manage it between two parents. So entitled to expect a third adult - who let's not forget has no legal parental responsibility or rights in respect of that child - to do something of this nature.

you could prompt the medical professionals who attend to the child to expressly ask that he is accompanied by a parent or someone with parental responsibility (which I presume you don’t have).

Some clinics my DC go to I have not been able to send them with their nanny (paid childminder not granny) as she does not have PR.

I just thought all those in a parental position working together for the good of the child would surely benefit him. He's already been dealt a tough card with regular hospital visits.

By all means if OP doesn't want to do it full stop, that is entirely their prerogative. Or if they are burnt out and need a bit of time off then again, of course that's not unreasonable.

I think helping here are there would be a lovely way to help. Certainly don't be taken advantage of, that's not what I was implying at all.

It's our old friend Entitlement again, you start by doing a favour and then before you know it, it just become expected and not appreciated. Your DH has no right to be angry Op, I'd stop lying and tell him to sort it out with his ex

Tell him you want your days off for yourself and won't be telling him
When those are

No more lying, OP. That can impact your relationship.

You're an adult - time for adult, calm conversations.

You have a right and a need to days off, especially if you're working long hours.

DC has two parents (GPs too, maybe?) It's their duty to sort themselves, their diaries and their hours off to support their child.

You may be available to help - but they must not assume or presume. And they shouldn't be arranging between themselves when they can drop it on you.

Time to set your boundaries.

I'm just wondering about some details which you probably don't want to reveal like how old is the child, what's your relationship like with his ex, how long has this been going on for, are the medical appointments ever going to ease off or is it going to be like this for years?
It seems you're currently being taken for granted as part of the 'family unit' and therefore they think you have a shared responsibility but was this ever discussed? I think they need to sort it out between them as the parents and only ask you to help in a dire emergency but I suspect you're the default now. What's going to happen if you refuse?

Yep. My husband and l work it out between ourselves rather than being entitled. It is entitlement assuming my time is more valuable and important that someone else’s

Surely they can arrange unpaid parental leave for appointments?
It's usually only to be taken in weeks but if a child is disabled then the leave can be taken as individual days for medical appointments, etc.
They are entitled to 18 weeks unpaid parental leave until the child is 18.

They will just have to organise it.

Is it worth going back to standard hours for a few months to reset expectations? If it helps you can always blame it on your employer.

Or does working longer hours mean that you can avoid doing other things during the week eg school runs/bedtimes/shopping?

I'm just wondering about some details which you probably don't want to reveal like how old is the child, what's your relationship like with his ex, how long has this been going on for, are the medical appointments ever going to ease off or is it going to be like this for years?

Again, none of this matters if OP doesn’t want to do it.

If he doesn’t accept and respect your boundaries that would be a as deal breaker for me. Appalling that he’s asking you in the first place never mind getting stroppy when you say no! Ugh, the absolute entitlement. I’m cross for you.

YANBU!!!!

So what happened before you were in the mix Op?

Does the ex have a partner/spouse who is also expected to help out?

Does your working the extra hours to get a rdo impact your husband at all?