Lying to DH over having rostered day off.

[Liarliarpantsonfireahhh]

I get a rostered day off every fortnight. It’s my day to catch up on everything and have some time to myself.

My dh has a child from a previous relationship with a medical condition that requires a lot of appointments.

Almost every rdo he asks me to take his child to an appointment. It’s usually mum that takes him, but as she works it’s difficult. I stopped writing the rdo on the calendar as I think she would book things on my day off. Now I think he tells her when the day is. And I know I should, as it means life is a bit easier, but it takes all day and I hate it. Today I had my rdo and it was great. I told dh the day got changed at the last minute. He had to call in sick Monday as I couldn’t take the child to the appointment.

Is it unreasonable to assume my day off is mine?

Do they claim DLA? If they can then parents can get parental leave unpaid and perhaps come to some arrangement with their employer. Presumably they get a decent amount of notice so can negotiate time off.

I'm not fine with it but if it's a long term condition these issues will keep coming up so the situation is not likely to get better therefore she should make further considerations as to whether she can handle the situation be it her doing the appointments, or her DH meaning they could have very little time with eachother if his leave is going to medical appointments.

OP I think it’s forgivable if you decide to just keep lying - or at least don’t volunteer the info about when your days off fall, which isn’t lying.

It’s the easier and most effective tactic for the short term. And for the long term it will force the child’s parents to be 100% responsible between them or find an alternative solution.

The only downside is it’s not great for transparency in a relationship but I think the effectiveness of the tactic may outweigh this, and also promote other positive returns for your relationship (eg you are rested and not resentful).

I think it’s unreasonable to lie; it doesn’t show a great relationship. It’s not your responsibility to take the child, and you need to make that very clear to your DP and ex.

Most parents take a days holiday to take their sick DC to a medical appointment. Why can't your DH just do this or his Mum. Surely they could take it in turns to take a days holiday.

He's just unilaterally deciding how you should spend your day off? No, I wouldn't accept that. You shouldn't have to lie, but the bigger issue is that with something that happens this frequently, it quickly becomes quite obvious that you are lying, which defeats the purpose and leads to other problems between the two of you. It's better to have a discussion and explain that you aren't interested in regularly spending your free day taking his child to medical appointments. The problem is that being available for 'emergencies' will likely be abused with your DH and his ex having 'planned emergencies'.

None of this bodes well for the relationship. He's acting as though your time is his own, which is wrong, but on the other hand, it does seem likely to lead to resentment if he feels that he's struggling and you're not 'helping' when you could. (I wouldn't want to, either, btw! Attending someone else's medical appointments is a miserable use of a day off work!)

Nope. Child's father and mother should take them on their day off or take day off to do it. They should look into their rights as carers to time off for this kind of thing or flexible hours etc. why haven't they done this?

This is definitely an issue if you have expressed yourself and it’s being ignored and you feel you have to lie (which is definitely not okay).

I would argue that the child does have three parents, if you are otherwise treated as a parent, but that means the responsibility should fall to you 1/3 of the time and no more. If you are not otherwise treated as a parent (your views considered in decision making around your DS etc.) then I would say the primary responsibility is with the bio parents, they should split the appointments evenly and you help out when you can.

It sounds like whoever the resident parent is (or both parents if they share care) should be making a flexible working request based on the child’s medical needs. Companies have these policies for these reasons, and there are usually options to take special or unpaid leave too.

How old is the boy? Just have a straight conversation with him.
Explain that you know he is very ill, and although you're free, you'd simply prefer to spend the say at home watching Friends re-runs.

How did this situation even come about? No you arent unreasonable. Hes a cheeky fucker and shes a massive cheeky fucker. I could in some ways understand a one off if something cropped up, like a broken down car or similar but to expect you to do it every time is just beyond cheeky.

🙄Friends reruns?

The thing is, if OP doesn't take the child to the appointments, one of his actual biological, legal parents will. It's not as though OP's shrugging while the child huddles in bed, suffering for lack of medical attention.

I disagree, and withholding the truth is very normal in relationships. Eg one parent (usually Dad) saying they need to work late to avoid bedtime or other domestic chores. It’s just not usually women who do it. It doesn’t mean a relationship is doomed to fail. And in this case OP is being treated like a doormat and unless she’s willing to stand up for herself - and risk a big row, emotional guilt and worse - not writing her days off on the family calendar doesn’t seem unreasonable. And will force the parents to address the issue.

It’s unreasonable to NEED to lie about it, but the child’s parents are taking the piss out of OP,

You need to be clear, and to assume your partner respects you enough to hear you.

"For clarity Steve, I'm really not ok taking Bob to therapy on my day off. I love the kid, but it is something his parents should be doing and I won't be doing it going forward. Please respect .y decision."

If he keeps on, there's bigger issues in your marriage.

Unfortunately if they have a disabled child with complex needs, they need to find ways to manage. Which includes both taking unpaid leave as necessary not lying to work and pretending to be ill

I wouldn't be foredooming with any information, I'd become evasive ... so yeah I'd lie.
I've been in a similar situation and until I became evasive it continued.
No matter how many times she says no this won't stop, he will continue to tell the ex what days OP has off for fear of upsetting and then the only option for these appointments will suprisingly be the day OP is off.

I'd just be honest and say you need a day to yourself.

Surely he shouldn't have to call in sick, any decent employer would give someone a day off for something like that - I know mine would.

My DS has a medical condition requiring frequent hospital appointments. Do is see a time where I would be happy to manipulate a hypothetical future wife of DH into taking him to these appointments? Hmm....
That's alot of shit, it really is.
I'd probably lie for a bit to train them up to deal with their own child again, then once the training wheels are off I'd be telling DH what I expected going forward and I'd tolerate no arguments.
This sounds deeply patronising but really, people who abdicate their adult responsibilities like this deserve to be treated like children.

What an entitled attitude 🙄

You were a bit U lying but not U at all to not be happy with the situation- it needs to change.

Quite apart from the fact that they are clearly taking advantage of you, this is not good for the child or for his medical issues. I’m quite surprised the hospital has allowed this to continue as it should be someone with parental responsibility who attends most appointments if the child is a minor. I have a family member who has a complex medical procedure, and it’s really important that both of the parents know exactly what’s going on, next steps, tests needed, things to look out for etc. I imagine that you are good about passing information on, but it’s not the same. Also at a number of hospital appointments I have had to give consent for various medical procedures/operations, and this can only be done by someone with parental responsibility, which from what you’ve said does not sound like it would be you.

I know it can be difficult, but this if this is an ongoing condition than the parents need to work out a plan between them, which does not involve relying on sick leave and partners to this extent. Either one or both of them needs potentially to get a job which is more flexible, or they need to accept that they both need to use scheduled or carers leave to cover these appointments (and maybe unpaid parental leave for holidays etc).

Well you shouldn’t have to lie about it.

But no you shouldn’t have to use your day off for the appointments. What would they do if they were still together or both single?

They are taking the piss… of course it’s very convenient for them. I would tell DH that you will not be doing any more appointments. Even if they do fall on your day off.

A lot of lying is never good, from both of you. It undermines your relationship. However, you should only be going if it’s an emergency, I’m surprised medical staff don’t say anything. They shouldn’t be discussing private medical information with someone who doesn’t have parental responsibility anyway. Be honest but firm, this is my day off, but I’m not doing the appointments, it’s not appropriate or fair for little jonny, his parents should do it.

I think the fairest way would be to have a rota system around the 3 of you. You obviously knew your partner had a child and willingly took on all that comes with it, forseen or unforseen.

Think of the boy, how heartbroken he would be to think his necessary medical appointments were such a hassle to everybody ☹️ I think once every couple of weeks would be a kind gesture

The lie is unreasonable, but you're under no obligation to take the kid to appointments.

However, as others have said, the lie is a big red flag - you need to address this before it turns into more lies.

If I had a child who was so ill he needed fortnightly appointments, I’d be making damned sure I was the one who took him!

This is what you need to say.
It's clear, to the point and leaves no wiggle room for the other side to come back at you.

If you decided to at a later date, give them a dig out for an emergency, then you still have the option to do that but there should be no expectation, and I think it's the expectation that because you're not out at work, that you will be available to do it.

Organise your own appointments for your RDO.