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Original poster

Lying to DH over having rostered day off.

162 replies

Liarliarpantsonfireahhh · 21/11/2023 08:30

I get a rostered day off every fortnight. It’s my day to catch up on everything and have some time to myself.

My dh has a child from a previous relationship with a medical condition that requires a lot of appointments.

Almost every rdo he asks me to take his child to an appointment. It’s usually mum that takes him, but as she works it’s difficult. I stopped writing the rdo on the calendar as I think she would book things on my day off. Now I think he tells her when the day is. And I know I should, as it means life is a bit easier, but it takes all day and I hate it. Today I had my rdo and it was great. I told dh the day got changed at the last minute. He had to call in sick Monday as I couldn’t take the child to the appointment.

Is it unreasonable to assume my day off is mine?

OP posts:
viques · 21/11/2023 13:43

Do you actually have parental responsibility to discuss the child’s medical needs with HC professionals?

Concannon88 · 21/11/2023 13:51

Not all employers are decent. And it would mean unpaid a lot of time mine wouldnt.

Iamblocked2 · 21/11/2023 13:56

why does DH have to call in sick to take DC to appointment? that's not ok. I have a disabled and take AL, unpaid leave or work around.

on the practical side, I think it would be nice to help out sometimes but it shouldn't fall all into your lap.

Purplepinkfairy · 21/11/2023 14:01

Surely your not next of kin, so therefore not entitled to get information on a child

Mari9999 · 21/11/2023 14:08

@Liarliarpantsonfireahhh
It is unreasonable to think that you would rather resort to lying rather than being honest and saying that you have other plans for your day off.
You are an adult and she be capable of speaking up. It is possible that your husband may be a bit resentful but that is just an outcome with which you will need to be prepared to deal.

JenniferBooth · 21/11/2023 14:10

sugarpops · 21/11/2023 09:28

Are they actually grateful for all that you do? Do they thank you for it?

I never used to get any sort of appreciation or thanks off either my exh or his ex for looking after my step son. In fact, his ex couldn't stand me yet excepted me to look after her son at any given moment!

She couldnt have thought much of her child then if she wanted him to be cared for by someone she hates. 🤔

sugarpops · 21/11/2023 14:21

@JenniferBooth nope she didn't. She couldn't even refer to me by my name. I was always 'she' or 'her'. I know she used to have a horrible name for me saved in her phone too.

Yet she would always ask exh if he could come and stay for longer than he should knowing full well it would fall on to me. She didn't care at all. She just expected my step son to be too priority and above the other dc at all time even though she wasn't doing it herself. I ended up blocking her as she started to send me vile messages.

I could never say no to exh as similar to the op, he would fall out with me if I did so I always looked after him whenever. I'm a carer for my asd son so pretty much home all of the time but my step son was an absolute nightmare to look after. I've been in his life since he was 20 months old and he's now 9. I miss him a lot. He's a kid - none of it was his fault.

Sadly exh now no longer sees him partly because of his ex who is toxic and also because he cannot be arsed to fight for him. I really feel for my step son but there's not much I can do anymore.

Step son's mum now relies on others to do all her childcare as she no longer has me.

wishingiwas20something · 21/11/2023 14:33

Why lie about it? You don’t feel bad? I don’t think you should either. I’d speak with the child’s mother and say ‘hope it’s okay but I need my RDO’s to do x or y, otherwise I’ll have to book other holiday days to run my errands’. Surely if anyone needs to take time off for the kids appointments it’s the parents?

tiredmama23 · 21/11/2023 14:38

wishingiwas20something · 21/11/2023 14:33

Why lie about it? You don’t feel bad? I don’t think you should either. I’d speak with the child’s mother and say ‘hope it’s okay but I need my RDO’s to do x or y, otherwise I’ll have to book other holiday days to run my errands’. Surely if anyone needs to take time off for the kids appointments it’s the parents?

I'd remove the "hope it's ok but" from that sentence.

coconutpie · 21/11/2023 14:40

wishingiwas20something · 21/11/2023 14:33

Why lie about it? You don’t feel bad? I don’t think you should either. I’d speak with the child’s mother and say ‘hope it’s okay but I need my RDO’s to do x or y, otherwise I’ll have to book other holiday days to run my errands’. Surely if anyone needs to take time off for the kids appointments it’s the parents?

The "hope it is ok" should not be included in that at all. The OP doesn't need to ask permission here!

Twilightstarbright · 21/11/2023 14:42

How else do you split things with your DP eg finances? If he pays for the majority it could be that he thinks you could contribute by doing this? devils advocate here.

Both myself and my son have disabilities and I work 24 hours a week so that I have time to take him to appointments (or my own). DH works full time and pays for about 90% of everything. He rarely takes to appointments unless there’s a clash. It’s how we divide things up.

Agree you need some clear boundaries here.

user1466068383 · 21/11/2023 14:52

I agree, you shouldn't be responsible for all his appointments. But I'm also a little surprised how many people are saying - 'not your child, not your problem'. I'd be really upset if I heard someone give my DP that advice in relation to my daughter (his step-daughter), and I know he would be too.
But obviously everyones situations are different, how long have you know DSS for, and are you close? I can completely see that being expected to, and coereced into giving up a day off is extremely frustrating - but if there was no expectation forced on you, would you feel like offering to help out now and then? Maybe think about it from this POV - what would you feel comfortable doing to help out? If it's nothing, than say you won't help at all, but if you do feel you could offer a day here and there then maybe make that clear, with the very strong boundary that on the other days you are busy/have things booked/out of the house?

JenniferBooth · 21/11/2023 15:06

@sugarpops Not surprised he no longer sees his son. That usually happens when there is no longer a woman around to do the grunt work.

I would NEVER date a man with kids. Not even grown up kids as too many grandparents are expected to be default childcare now so i bet there are a few step grandmothers in this kind of situation

Maddy70 · 21/11/2023 15:11

I think you are not unreasonable to want your time off BUT you are all a family , he had to take a day off sick. That could have repercussions for his job.

If you are off and can take the child then I think you should. How do his other parents manage with work?

You need to have a conversation about needing some time off. I doubt it's every single time yoh have a day off, if it is you have a point of it isn't that's all part of being a family

JenniferBooth · 21/11/2023 15:17

@Maddy70 well from some of the posts ive seen on here parents seem to have no trouble navigating with employers AND colleugues when they want to swap shifts so they can have Christmas off if job involves Christmas working.

Maybe apply the same determination?

wildwestpioneer · 21/11/2023 15:23

I'd just not tell him when your day off is, if he asks why you're only telling him on the actual day, be honest and tell him this is your leave and you've asked him not to book appointments on your day off but he's not stopped doing it.

You need your own downtime from work.

jeaux90 · 21/11/2023 15:29

OP I'm pretty sure that this is helping no one. Your DSS would prefer one of his parents I just think it sounds like your DH is treating you like his support human.

Just say no. I'm not doing it.

Fundays12 · 21/11/2023 15:30

Can your DH and the child's mum not use carers leave? Most organisations offer this if you have a child with a disability or they are flexible. Also no you shouldn't be expected to take your step child to these appointments on your day of. That's his parents responsibility.

Passepartoute · 21/11/2023 15:32

Liarliarpantsonfireahhh · 21/11/2023 09:20

I work extra hours during the week. Dh and the boys mum use sick or annual leave to take him to the appointments.

Can they not take unpaid parental leave for this purpose?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 21/11/2023 15:36

Going forward, be truthful when asked when your RDO is, but as soon as they TELL YOU you're taking the child to the hospital, say "I can't, I have made plans". You do not have to justify yourself of 'change' your plans to facilitate this. You absolutely should be able to use your day off as you choose, and it's absolutely not for them to dictate your time like this. I'd be furious. But I wouldn't lie, I'd just outright refuse by now. If I was a step parent, I absolutely wouldn't mind helping out like this occasionally, when I was available to. But I absolutely would not be letting the parents dictate how I spend my days off, nor would I be enabling this to be a regular arrangement.

Concannon88 · 21/11/2023 15:47

I dont think they would have that attitude if her husband wasnt such controlling use r

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 21/11/2023 15:50

You shouldn’t have to use all your days off to take them but is nice if you can do some. The parents should cover others but they shouldn’t be calling in sick for it.
Pulling out of it at the last minute just because you don’t want to (ie not for a genuine reason like you being ill) is harsh and puts you husband in an awkward situation.

Hibiscrubbed · 21/11/2023 16:06

I think it’s appalling he expects you to use your entire earned day off to make his and his ex wife’s lives easier, and is angry at you for taking your day off for yourself.

JenniferBooth · 21/11/2023 16:07

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 She didnt pull out at last min. She has told him she doesnt want to do it Stop gaslighting

Melodysmum12 · 21/11/2023 16:08

You lying is the issue.
Explain why to your DH. It’s unfair he took a day off sick!

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