To wait for inheritance before divorce?

[Definitionhelmet]

I have reached a difficult point in my marriage. DH has lied to me and there has been a break down of trust and communication. There has not been any abuse or infidelity but I am done.

DH knows how I feel but wants to stay married and to try and make it work.

The practicalities of separation are difficult. Kids are at a difficult stage and this would exacerbate their problems. Financially we can’t afford to maintain two households and stay in the same area. which would be essential for kids in f we did spilt.

In any case I can’t see a long term future with DH. but also I am not considering another relationship and I am scared about What the future would look like on my own.

But if I do delay the inevitable- for kids and practical reasons WIBU to at least hold on until DH inherits (likely a substantial amount in the next few years) as this would make separation an easier possibility. Or is this grabby, cynical and unfair on DH?

How can I navigate this?

Love, the op knows him well enough to know she can drag this out for another however many years.

Op says nothing of the sort you have simply decided it’s “years”. That is invention.

She has however stated her DH is “dishonest” and that is why she no longer trusts him. The fact that she is considering sticking with him for a better deal for the kids indicates she doesn’t trust him to do so off his own bat when the money arrives.

Bottom line, either way, she can’t afford to divorce him without major upset to her kids as things stand. This is what MN calls “getting your ducks in a row”.

What you call invention was taken from the OP’s post…

But if I do delay the inevitable- for kids and practical reasons WIBU to at least hold on until DH inherits (likely a substantial amount in the next few years) as this would make separation an easier possibility. Or is this grabby, cynical and unfair on DH?

Bottom line is, I have answered the OP’s question based on my thoughts. The OP’s husband is dishonest., she says. I say she would be equally dishonest to fake reconciliation until he inherits.

You are free to offer a different perspective, and the OP will choose what she wishes to do.

I was under the impression that 'getting your ducks in a row' was preparing the ground for imminent separation (i.e. talking to or instructing a solicitor, getting copies of important documents, opening a bank account, arranging alternative accommodation etc) so that when you announce your intent to divorce you can proceed with a modicum of a 'plan' in place. It does not mean hanging around in a dead marriage (for however long) with a view to grabbing a share of a inheritance from someone who is not even dead yet. By the OPs own admission her DH has not been abusive or unfaithful, but had been 'dishonest' (the nature or severity of which we do not yet know) but to some he deserves to be financially rinsed. Maybe he would like to keep hold of some of that money 'for the children' as well, it seems to be assumed here that the OP is going to get full custody.

You're bizarrely invested in this, and in trying to convince me that i'm obsessed with money. Maybe calm down a little bit, it's just a bs thread on a bs forum.

If this is a serious post, your poor poor husband. What a horrible outcome he gets for doing the right thing and getting married. You are very very cruel 😪

It’s interesting that in the imagined prize of getting your ‘sticky mits’ (as one poster put it) on some money - the consideration of the kids goes out of the window, even on a mother’s forum. It’s telling that the focus of the story in certain posters minds - the party they identity with - is one who they feel may be denied money.

We’re all bizarrely invested that’s the point of MN.

Well I’ve spoken to her directly and it’s much shorter than that.

But you’re right, she will do what she wants irrespective of knee-jerk kicks from random posters.

I would think, unless your husband is a complete tosser, that even divorced your children would benefit from this likely inheritance, so staying together would only be for your grabby benefit which is pretty poor behaviour and very unfair on him.

That's horrible, just divorce the man and get on with your lives.

If you can endure being married for several more years for the sake of a large payout, then perhaps you could endure it for your children's same, and keep their family and home intact until they leave home?

And if you make that sacrifice, you can then enjoy the inheritance in good conscience.

Whoopee 👏🏾👏🏾

Integrity is always rewarded in the long run. Don't compromise yours

Well, for starters, it does not sound like just 'some' money, it is an amount large enough for the OP to consider faking the reconciliation of her marriage with her DH in order to keep herself in the mix for a share in a potential windfall that may or not may not materilise later down the line. Second, you keep on labouring your imagined point that any consideration for the kids has 'gone out the window'. Are you assuming that the non abusive DH will not get shared custody of the kids post divorce? That he will not provide any financial support for them? Yes this is predominately mothers forum, however it does not mean that most women on here can't spot unethical or grabby behaviour when they see it.

Sorry but moving in the context of your parents splitting up can be pretty awful.
My DH’s parents split when he was 7 and he moved to a more deprived neighbouring area, away from his friends.
He found it pretty traumatic to “lose” his dad, the nice family house, his whole previous existence (walking to friends’ houses after school etc). He’s still a bit bitter I think.

I read it that the OP is just trying to avoid this by waiting for the inheritance so the family can afford two separate households in better circumstances?

Faking a reconciliation is not in the OP, she simply spoke of delaying divorce.

If you actually bothered to read the OP you’d see that, as things stand, they can’t afford to divorce and both stay in the area. Why would I assume DH wouldn’t get custody? Shared custody would be the best option. Even would be for the kids to have 2 parents in the local area, stay in their schools, around their friends - as I have now pointed a gazillion times to the posters who cannot read for the £££ signs in their eyes.

One can certainly rely on grabby and unethical posters to pitch up and harangue any OP who sounds like they might have some money.

Which is exactly what the OP meant.

However, some posters use AIBU for kicks and ego kibbles.

@Mirabai yes, I meant to quote a PP who said what is the big deal about moving “people do it all the time”. Failed to quote!

Agree with you there and the lack of actually reading the OP properly before piling on.

The other thing to consider is that after you staying for several years, DH could suddenly decide to break up and go for a legal separation just months before he gets his inheritance. He could cite that he wanted to save the marriage and you didn't.

Are you going to actually pretend to be happy or just to trudge along in misery, hoping he won't notice? It will take its emotional toll.

There is no predicting the future in this scenario.

It's just hopes and wishes at this point.

What a vile thing to consider. Grabby is putting it mildly. It would be a devious and manipulative thing to do.

It doesn’t seem the right way to behave to me. If you are unhappy and want to separate, I think prioritise the children’s stability and after that then cut the cord. You shouldn’t be eyeing up your husband’s inheritance. Your children will inherit from him so you taking some of it won’t be for their benefit.

It's not just going to be 'pretending to be happy' is it?
Will there not be physical affection shown as well? I couldn't do that for someone I disliked.
And is op really 'doing it for the children' or using the inheritance to buy in her name a property in an expensive area?
If its for the kids maybe the inheritance can be ringfenced to rent till they leave home?

She doesn’t say several years, no. See my previous post - you’re so obsessed with money that you’ve deleted the kids from the picture. Money is literally all you can see.

It’s an inheritance, of course it’s about money.

I haven’t ‘deleted’ the kids at all, they will have a parent who inherits without the OP stringing her husband along on false pretences. They don’t need OP to receive any of this money because they are already related to the person the she is wishing a timely death upon. They might get their own inheritance, but if they don’t, their Dad will and they can benefit through him.

Ironic because clearly, OP cannot be trusted.

A person willing to lie to somebody long enough to grub money off their dead relative, is clearly no better morally.

On the face of it, OP appears to be worse. OP even admits there is no abuse or infidelity, merely a lie told.

OP also hasn't said what the lie was that apparently merits such a response.

I'm likely to get a sizeable inheritance in a few years I bet you wouldn't say the same if it wss a man holding out foe half of his wife,s inheritance ?