To wait for inheritance before divorce?

[Definitionhelmet]

I have reached a difficult point in my marriage. DH has lied to me and there has been a break down of trust and communication. There has not been any abuse or infidelity but I am done.

DH knows how I feel but wants to stay married and to try and make it work.

The practicalities of separation are difficult. Kids are at a difficult stage and this would exacerbate their problems. Financially we can’t afford to maintain two households and stay in the same area. which would be essential for kids in f we did spilt.

In any case I can’t see a long term future with DH. but also I am not considering another relationship and I am scared about What the future would look like on my own.

But if I do delay the inevitable- for kids and practical reasons WIBU to at least hold on until DH inherits (likely a substantial amount in the next few years) as this would make separation an easier possibility. Or is this grabby, cynical and unfair on DH?

How can I navigate this?

Yes, unless OP is not in England or Wales, the inheritance becomes a marital asset same as other savings, pension, property etc.

I would have to be bloody sure there was a short time frame though. I’m not convinced you can live together without things blowing up once you have emotionally checked out of the relationship.

Jesus that's so cold and grabby OP.

If I was your husband I'd be suggesting to who ever the inheritance might come from to leave it to the kids to ensure you don't get your grubby paws on it to be honest

My inheritance was included as a joint asset because I’d paid it off against the mortgage. If I’d kept it separate I’d have had a good chance of keeping it separate (long relationship but short marriage). My ex was a tosser about it and wouldn’t budge. He received a big inheritance (probably 5 times bigger than mine) less than a year after I left him. If I’d have known I’d have hung on for that year and, given his mean, money grabbing exploits I wouldn’t have felt bad for a second.

OP isn't holding out for the money because she wants to buy shoes. She is trying to make life as decent as possible for her dc. Divorce now and have to move away, change schools by the sound of it. That's not in their best interest.
But I think if she stays she should make a genuine effort to give the relationship a shot.

My divorce has been going on for years now. My advice is leave as soon as you can. No amount of money is worth being with someone you don’t like and your divorce could take years if he battles 50/50 like my husband has. Plus it costs an absolute fortune, I’ve spent £32 500 give or take a few pounds so far!

There was an article in The Times last week which said most people end up inheriting 50% of what they think they will get, i.e. we tend to overestimate how much we will inherit. So it might be worth taking that into account.

If you do hang on, you are wasting precious years of your life when you could be living your life as you want to, building your own earning capacity and pension, and modelling all this for your kids. So it is a pretty serious trade off.

It depends. If you mean so that he would be able to afford to stay in the area I can see the logic, although then you'll be divorcing someone recently bereaved, or wait longer still, and you don't know when it will be. What if they live until 110?

If you mean so that you get a share then you are being massively unreasonable and grabby.

No. Divorce now if you are going to. There's no guarantee there will be any inheritance and even if there is it's not a done deal you'll get any.

And would you announce the divorce at the hospital when the life support is being switched off, or save your big news for the graveside?

Your husband may argue that it should not be considered as part of the marital pot if you stand to inherit a comparable amount further down the line. This tit-for-tat arose in my parents divorce and it ended up being excluded from the pot.

It's grabby, cynical and unfair and you should be having a serious word with yourself.

You are upset that your DH has lied to you; enough so that you intend to end the marriage. But you are also considering lying to your DH for years in the hope of making off with half his inheritance. If you do so, you will be just as bad as him and potentially worse.

Imagine sitting down and being honest about your plans with your DH. "For me, the marriage is over and I intend to divorce you, but as that will be financially challenging, I've decided to stick around for the next few years until your parent dies and I can get my hands on the money they may leave you."

I know someone currently divorcing and her inheritance is having to be split despite them being separated at the time of receiving it.

Do what's best for you and your DC.

You are the only perdon to walk in your shoes so only you can decide.

If it's just about the money grab a solicitor and get informed. If its not going to be a marital asset, buy one. Morals may make you feel good but they don't put food on the table. Failing that get him to put the money in trust for the dc: he owes them even if he doesn't owe you.

Well, this sounds like a healthy scenario for the children. 🙄

Yeah, this.

Focus on your own employment and income with an eye to supporting your own independent household.

This is awful. What kind of person waits in a marriage to take half of someone’s inheritance? Just horrible

Inheritance, particularly if kept separate, is not always joint matrimonial property in England and Wales. It is at the discretion of the court.

It is more likely that a new inheritance will be kept separate. It can take a long time after someone dies to receive an inheritance (often over a year).

Regardless of the ethics, you could wait years for a relative to die, potentially a year or more for the estate to be distributed (to maximise chances of it being considered joint property), go through a lengthy and expensive court battle and may not end up getting what you anticipate anyway.

Announcing that you want a divorce just after your husband’s relative has died and then trying to take a share of the inheritance will almost certainly prevent you having an amicable co-parenting relationship and may not go down well with your children either. I don’t think it’s a given that this scheme would be in your children’s best interests because it will make the divorce and aftermath so acrimonious.

I wasn’t clear enough. I mean my husband wouldn’t let me have 50% even though I contributed half. He may just let you have 50% if you don’t go for the inheritance. That would actually save you so much money! Leave him now.

You sound ghastly, and I am sorry for your husband. You complain about him telling a lie, but you are planning to effectively steal from him. Just vile.

This. You sound like my SIL.

My ex used his significant inheritance (inherited after we split) to hide all his income and pay no child maintenance for 6 years whilst living the high life himself. So there's that to consider.

Abhorrent.

In this case, I think the OP would deserve her husband doing this to her!

When my marriage was done, it was DONE done.
No amount of money would have bribed me to stay. In fact, I took on debt to push the divorce through quicker. I decided that the younger the child the better. Their life would become a new normal and they would have less memories to compare against.
Either piss or get off the pot @Definitionhelmet , you want to end the marriage because of his lies but also keep the marriage going with your lies.

I wonder how big a bag of gold, a gold digger is actually happy with?

I know two people in their 40s who died in the last 18 months- there is no guarantee you will outlive his elderly relatives. Life is too short to spend years in a sham marriage. If you know it's done you should end the marriage now.