To wait for inheritance before divorce?

[Definitionhelmet]

I have reached a difficult point in my marriage. DH has lied to me and there has been a break down of trust and communication. There has not been any abuse or infidelity but I am done.

DH knows how I feel but wants to stay married and to try and make it work.

The practicalities of separation are difficult. Kids are at a difficult stage and this would exacerbate their problems. Financially we can’t afford to maintain two households and stay in the same area. which would be essential for kids in f we did spilt.

In any case I can’t see a long term future with DH. but also I am not considering another relationship and I am scared about What the future would look like on my own.

But if I do delay the inevitable- for kids and practical reasons WIBU to at least hold on until DH inherits (likely a substantial amount in the next few years) as this would make separation an easier possibility. Or is this grabby, cynical and unfair on DH?

How can I navigate this?

Without saying much else you need to think a bit more long term than you're sounding.

It's not like you could grab half and run off into the sunset- you have kids together and will surely want to maintain an open relationship for their sakes. The last thing you want is hostility when he'll have your children half the time?? You should be more strategic.

Is money the most important thing to you or is it yours and your kids well-being? If he's not been abusive is it really really bad enough to divorce without trying to get him to behave better? He wants to try again so maybe you should tell him everything he needs to do and see what happens.

If he's committed to the relationship maybe he's not as bad as you think- have you really thought about how difficult and miserable it'll be for the kids if you split up? You'll feel guilty and eventually when they're adults they'll know that he didn't want to split up and you waited for his inheritance etc. Would you be ok with them knowing what each of you did?

Wouldn't it be easier to just work really hard to pull your DH into line and keep your kfamily together? Divorce is not an easy fix- it's constant stress sharing the kids and making digs at each other, guilt and anxiety, worry about how they develop etc.

Yes this is grabby and quite frankly disgusting behaviour, very disrespectful of the dead (even if they’re currently alive!) and tbh if my dp did something divorcable or I just felt that way I would be in no way wanting to stay any longer than necessary for any reason. Take the money out of the equation and work out if staying for now is actually for the best without it, if you have children you may be wanting to stay while they finish secondary or similar so that would be a bigger consideration to me but no matter how much it’s not worth the years of stress and resentment being with someone you don’t want to be with.

I'd focus on getting to a better age for the children but only if it was a year or two.

Imagine if a man was posting this. Or a woman posted about finding out her husband was planning to do this. I understand the material concerns but it's dishonest and horrible behaviour.

I find your post disgusting and lacking in any morals, do better, be better shame on you

Move away, take kids who are having difficulties out of their school, away from their father, exacerbating their problems. What if they’re miserable and blame their mum?

You’re not in that situation, so you don’t know what you’d do for the happiness of your child.

I'd say don't wait. Don't make decisions based on money that isn't banked. It might not happen. It might not happen the way you're expecting. And then there's the opportunity cost. Think of the time lost in building your new and better life. I remember thinking during all the endless lockdowns of all the things I'd said to myself I'd do next year...that then didn't happen, because next year turned out to be a washout. I vowed I would never bank on next year again like that (that isn't the same as not doing long term planning of any kind, mind you). You just can't ever know.

FGS the OP just wants to ensure there is enough money in the pot to ensure stability for her DC when they separate.
Many of us are in a similar position. No one wants to throw the grenade of breaking the family up into their children’s lives, alongside moving to a worse area away from friends etc. It’s traumatic enough for them.
We’re not talking just a slight drop in living standards here.

OP I wouldn’t make any immediate decisions. I don’t think hanging everything on the inheritance is workable. But you will definitely need more time to build finances and fully explore what 2 households looks like.
I think you can be pragmatic and stay in the marriage for some time without being deceitful about how you feel about the relationship.

Waiting to divorce so you can get your sticky mitts on a possible inheritance is really quite despicable. If I was your dh and I had any inkling that this was your plan I would do my best to ensure you got as little as possible in any settlement, and I'd be talking to my rich relative about ringfencing any money coming my way to guarantee you don't get any.

Could you be any more obsessed with money?

So @CalistoNoSolo is obsessed with money for this opinion, yet the op on their dhs family members death is going to add to that stress by serving divorce papers and an open hand for the inheritance share isn't?!

Simply pointing out the irony for posters berating the OP who are themselves obsessed with money.

Not sure where you got serving divorce papers on death other than your own imagination.

I wouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage just in case you might get some money at some unspecified point in the future. And if he's thinking along the same lines you are, he'll talk to a financial advisor and do all he can to ensure you get no part of his inheritance.

The issues you raise for not divorcing right now are certainly potential problems to consider, but they're not insurmountable. You're just afraid of what happens once you leave. That's ok. Whether you stay or leave, you'll have to deal with consequences either way. You just have to decide which option you're most able to cope with.

Can you imagine most men doing anything other than what serves their own best interests, and perhaps those of the children if they are a decent father.

I have no words for this!
If you're not happy you need to leave and sort the finances out and cut your cloth as they say.
I'm guessing the inheritance would be coming from his parents. You are a parent. How would it make you feel if your child's partner stayed with them for the inheritance when they weren't happy?

I can't imagine disliking someone enough that I wanted/needed to divorce them and there also being a price that would let me set that dislike aside for an unspecified number of years

First: As your DH knows how you feel, if he has any sense he will arrange with his relative for the inheritance to be ringfenced so it doesn’t go into the pot. Or if this isn’t possible, he will ringfence it after it’s received so he can at least argue it isn’t a marital asset. I certainly would do this if I knew my spouse was so-so about the marriage.

Second: as pp have said, inheritance may not materialise anyway

Third: It’s pretty nasty to plan to divorce someone just after their parent or close relative has died.

Yes, I could and probably should be an awful lot more obsessed with money tbh. But I find people who feel entitled to what is clearly not theirs deeply annoying and unattractive.

This

If you were even more obsessed you’d come across even worse.

OP simply wants her kids, who are at a “difficult stage” to be able to stay in their area, at their school, keep their friends, and be near their father, as moving away may “exacerbate their problems.”

It’s their father who has broken the relationship through dishonesty of some kind which must be fairly substantial to be a dealbreaker.

You are suggesting a father ringfence family money so it can’t be used to benefit his kids. And then have the temerity to talk of “annoying and unattractive”!

You could be my sister in law. Have your in laws also paid for your lifestyle? 🤣🤣

When else will the inheritance appear she's holding off on divorce for? The death of someone in her DHs family?!

Nowhere has she said she will be serving the divorce papers at the funeral.

The shoe was on the other foot with me.

The day after my father moved into a care home with dementia, my ex husband walked out the door and left me for the woman he’d been having an affair with.

He cruelly told me he was only holding out until my dad died and I inherited £250k (I’m the only family). But it was clear that it would all be swallowed up by care home fees (yup, all gone now), so it was pointless staying.

So that was nice.

So I don’t know what I would tell you to do.

Doing what's best for you and your DC hopefully includes role modelling decent morals including how you treat their father. I think if you are being honest you know that you are being exactly the things you describe in your post but are looking for ways out to justify what amounts to inexcusable behaviour. How would you feel if it was being done to you? No amount of money would be worth the sacrifice to my self-esteem from the level of dishonesty you are considering.