To wait for inheritance before divorce?

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I have reached a difficult point in my marriage. DH has lied to me and there has been a break down of trust and communication. There has not been any abuse or infidelity but I am done.

DH knows how I feel but wants to stay married and to try and make it work.

The practicalities of separation are difficult. Kids are at a difficult stage and this would exacerbate their problems. Financially we can’t afford to maintain two households and stay in the same area. which would be essential for kids in f we did spilt.

In any case I can’t see a long term future with DH. but also I am not considering another relationship and I am scared about What the future would look like on my own.

But if I do delay the inevitable- for kids and practical reasons WIBU to at least hold on until DH inherits (likely a substantial amount in the next few years) as this would make separation an easier possibility. Or is this grabby, cynical and unfair on DH?

How can I navigate this?

Let your dh think you're trying to make the marriage work, when actually you're waiting for his relative to die, so you can take half? Quite immoral actually.

I don't understand the 'waiting for an inheritance' mentality. Unless an elderly relative has a definite terminal diagnosis, and you have seen the will and know for sure that your DH is a beneficiary, then there is no certainty whatever of the money coming his/your way. The relative could live for another 10 or 20 years, and go into a nursing home for all of that time, eating up £100,000s in fees. Or the relative could change the will and leave it to someone else or a charity. And anyway, yes, you're being quite grabby. If you want to split, don't make it dependent on someone dying first. That's just gruesome.

I wouldn't hang around. It would feel wrong.

Unfortunately it's usually women who end up taking on the lion's share of the childcare, mental load and responsibilities, usually to the detriment of their career and earning potential.
I think you have to do what's best for you and the children. Is he going to pay his share, do 50:50 parenting, buy school clothes, organise clubs and activities? Or will it fall mainly to you, while he gets to have fun with them minus the drudgery and with money to enjoy himself?

Lots to think about. Whether you can stay with him long enough and what impact this could have on the children.

You should do what's best for you. I bet he certainly would.

If you admit it would be bad for your children, your husband wants to try and make it work, and you are at least willing to stay for practical reasons (ie money) why don’t you ask your husband if he’d be willing to go to counselling, and actually give it a go at reconciling?

This all depends on what exactly he’s lied about, though, and if he’s abusive rather than you’ve just drifted apart etc, then get the hell out immediately.

Most of the replies to this thread reek of middle class privilege. Some people risk falling into poverty on divorce. OP do whatever you need to maintain stability for the children and a reasonable life for yourself. I would take legal advice.

Depending on your children's ages, remember that you'll probably need to co-parent with him after the divorce.

This plan just sounds morally reprehensible to me. If the marriage is over then get out. Don't put either you or him through stringing it out.

I wouldn't do this

When I got divorced my ex squeezed me for everything. But one of the quite amusing submissions in the financial court papers was the request for his (small) inheritances not be included in the asset split, so effectively to be added back. We had a long marriage/ relationship, DC, and both had contributed financially. We divorced in 2012-ish. The inheritances were both from over 10 years previously, and were insignificant to the overall pot. Funnily enough the court didn't agree. And they were considered to be marital assets, unlike a far more recently acquired asset. (Acquired when my ex knew he was ending the marriage, and I didn't)

But I am not sure in your circumstances that would work. The lie - infidelity, debts, etc. So marriage over. You state substantial inheritance in the next few years - so from parents who are elderly? They may need to use those assets for care. And they may change their mind who to leave it to. My surviving parent has become very controlling over their assets and who they think is worthy. So I am not sure it is worth hanging on. I'm not judging you at all, unlike many on here. Sometimes even a poor marriage can be really bad.

I'd probably wait it out if the inheritance would mean two properties were possible?

Ideally I would want out now but appreciate I was in a different position due to full time career. Options are important some times they come in unconventional means.

I think this is quite grabby TBH. If he does not mingle the assets, i.e. they go under his name and are kept separately they may not contribute marital assets. So you would further need a further layer of deceit where he is persuaded to put the money in joint names as well. Also if I were whoever the money is coming from and I sussed this I would put it into trust.

If you are sure the marriage is over and have no intention of trying to work on your relationship, then you should legally separate. You can (if you both want to) continue to live together, if necessary.

Your husband may not be the best partner in the world, (I can only assume he isn’t abusive as you haven’t mentioned it- and if he is then you should leave immediately, not wait years in the hope of some money) but he is still a person with feelings, the father of your children and deserves better than what you are proposing to do. If you really don’t want to be in a relationship with him any longer, don’t be. End it.

Let’s be honest staying with him- in these circumstances- implies to your husband that you do, in fact, want to continue the relationship and work on your problems. I actually think that it is cruel and underhand to trick someone into thinking you still want to be with them when you have no interest in doing so. To do so for months to years is vindictive. You aren’t allowing them to move on with their life and potentially find another partner, you’re keeping them stuck in an (unwitting) one sided relationship with no future. It’s a horrible thing to do.

To lie to someone about your intentions/ feelings and keeping a relationship going purely so you can wait for someone your DH loves (assume at least one parent) to die and so you can then get your hand on 50% of his inheritance is utterly abhorrent. How long would you wait to announce the divorce? The day after the will is read? A week? Once probate is through? I think he might just see through that. I can only imagine how that will impact on your post-divorce relationship. I wonder what your children might think in the future if they discover you deliberately hurt their father to get your hands on his inheritance? I’d think very poorly of whichever of my parents did that to the other.

How would you feel if someone did this to you? Strung you along, thinking you were working at a relationship with someone you at least care about (likely love), only to discover they have actually wanted out for years and only stuck around to get your inheritance? I’d be devastated.

Have some dignity and decency- end your relationship cleanly and allow both of you to move on.

It’s completely despicable and outlines precisely why divorce laws in this country need a major overhaul !

you are being SO unfair that I hope he divorces you before this happens

Nothing like MN for virtue signalling as an excuse to kick.

Whatever posters say here they’d probably do the same thing. It’s quite staggering how obsessed with money many posters are here, that may well be why they don’t want you to have any.

It’s very easy to be virtuous with someone else’s money.

Many people delay divorce for the kids and for practical reasons I don’t see this is any different.

Exactly. It’s not them faced with moving into a pokey 1 bed with mould on the walls.

My now exh asked me to wait until my parents died before getting divorced when I told him it was over. I was flabbergasted he could say such a thing tbh. It is very cheeky.

I didnt wait. My solicitor at the time said how unreasonable he was, as there might not be any money to inherit if my parents went into care. My mum is still alive and her money is being used for her care home fees.

I somehow think he wont have missed out on much when the time comes.

Not middle class privilege, whatever that is (an assumption that 'middle class' people have more money) but utterly abhorrent and immoral.

Seven years after the inheritance?

No. Once I knew my marriage was over I waited 7 years for my MIL to die, then I filed for divorce.

But he was cheating on me and had obviously checked out of the marriage so he could have divorced me if he wanted at any time. But he'd been thinking with his dick instead of his brain.

Op of your marriage has broken down and you want to leave (for whatever reason) you should separate. Don't give your husband false hope that you want to work on the marriage only to wait until his relative dies and you dump divorce papers on him. Also inheritances are not necessarily classed as marital assets in a divorce so there would be no guarantee that you would receive any of it.

I wouldn't do this.

I know one divorce where the guy went for half of the wife's inheritance. He got it, but they spent half of it on legal fees as the incredibly acrimonious divorce was dragged through the courts. They have a terrible co-parenting relationship.

I know three divorce cases where both parties were extremely reasonable. No court battles. No money wasted on court fees. They have all got good co-parenting arrangements. Assuming both parties are reasonable people I know which divorce I'd prefer.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I had a not insignificant inheritance after we got together and had kids but before marriage - divorcing now and as I've kept it completely separate all that time, it's not been included in the 50/50 split BUT has been considered as a resource I have to rehouse myself so exh got none of it.

Just divorce now, don't wait for a hypothetical inheritance!

Exactly. And how do you know this inheritance will come soon? The Boomer generation live longer than any other, historically.

Don't hang around in a marriage you loathe in the hope of grubbing a few grand. Leave and make your own money. Stay on good terms with DH so that when he eventually comes into the inheritance, you can discuss how he might use it to help DC, which helps you in a roundabout way as it takes the pressure off you to help them with student funding and house deposits etc.