AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

by using the female changing rooms for an older male child, you clearly don’t believe that their privacy is of concern. So next time you can have the same lack of respect for your child’s privacy instead and get him changed outside?

We do lessons at a less convenient swimming pool than our local one purely because they have a changing village with individual cubicles rather than female/male changing rooms. Ds is 12 and has SEN. He can now get changed himself. It took years to master, hopefully your son will get it soon.

I think this brings up the wider issue that more family change rooms are needed.

my son is 8 but is tall so looks older. I am not happy letting him be alone, showering and being naked whilst getting changed with males he doesn’t know - with no adult there to ‘protect’ him (he has mild Asd and is very trusting). I’m sorry but unfortunately I don’t trust many adult males.

we always use the family changing rooms

Your son’s conditions should probably earn him a year’s grace, but other people wouldn’t be expected to know that.

I disagree, a girl will just see a preteen boy and feel uncomfortable, she won't feel less uncomfortable because he needs supervision or assistance to change. Once the child is too old for the opposite sex room, if disability means they cannot use the correct room then there needs to be a family room reserved for families in that situation. He should not be in the women's.

I'm surprised there are so many able bodied NT women/girls using the big group changing room tbh.

I would have been mortified to change in one at any age past the year 3 class lessons before having kids myself!

a teenage girl clearly told you she was not comfortable and you have to ask if yabu??

Mum of 3 sen children here he's now old enough where his privacy needs to be respected as much as those others in his space. Waiting for the family change is the right thing to do for your child aswell as the general public.

Reading the OP, she did not say she was not comfortable. She pointed out to the OP that she and her son were in the female changing rooms and then proceeded to change.

It's really quite normal for mums to take male DC and dads to take female DC to the changing room appropriate for the parent to use.

If you want to fully avoid boy children then you should use individual cubicles if you are on your own.

The rules and guidelines should be followed but there will always be borderline situations like this e.g. kids who meet the technical age for the policy but look bigger and older.

I don't think we need to demonise and berate parents and their poor kids who have no say in the matter, it's really unnecessary.

I mean for her to mention it she was uncomfortable. A female in the females changing rooms feelings should always trump that of a person who shouldn’t be there. It’s her space not his.

Parents would really be happy for their daughters to be uncomfortable so a male or rather his mother can be happier? Nope.

Find a suitable pool with enough correct rooms, wait your turn cold and wet like everyone else or don’t go. You don’t impose on women and girls because oh well fuck em my sons getting cold waiting like everyone else.

The rules and guidelines should be followed but there will always be borderline situations like this e.g. kids who meet the technical age for the policy but look bigger and older.

How is it borderline? The child isn't a 7 year old that looks 9, he is 9. It would be difficult if you find have an older looking child but then at least you could tell people their actual age.

Same here.

I said e.g. as in LIKE that. I was speaking generally.

A boy just over the typical age limit with SEN is also a case I would consider "borderline". "Borderline" is subjective but again that's kind of my point, some parents will make judgements on the side of using the group changing room, and armed police aren't going to jump out at them and demand they remove themselves, so as said, if you know that you are going to be unhappy about potentially running into the pretty normal practice of a male child with his mother in group female changing rooms, then perhaps some onus is on you to refrain from using that group changing facility in the first place.

You should have waited in one of the queues like the other people.

We are not able to use our local swimming pool as it only has group changing. The disabled changing area is inside the women's changing room so not really much help!!

A common problem, not enough changing spaces for the outflow of class, personally I've had to leave my class a few minutes before everyone else to secure a family change and put a marker e.g. shoe poking out underneath so rest of family know which door to knock on, are the kids who are in classes without you be able to find you if you do this?

Good for the teenager for speaking up. I think OP if the group changing room is full in future and you absolutely need to go into the female changing rooms, don't get him to shower, just go in get changed as quickly as possible and shower at home.

I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation

Queue for one of the other rooms like everyone else?

In five years time, do you want your DD to feel comfortable in ladies changing rooms?

There is no absolute need to take the male into the female changing area.

I would have skipped the shower part tbh. Shower at home for quickness of getting dressed and out.

@SnowflakeSparkles it isn't normal to find males, except very young ones, in female group changing though, nor should it be.

We are talking about small children in the single digit age group here fgs.

Said dad also made no concessions to better preparation or better parenting on his part. He said he would be continuing to do the same thing, and to blazes whether the women who used that facility objected or not.

Which kind of does beg the question as to why he'd bothered to post in the first place. Other than to tell women to know their place. Again.

Most pools don't allow children over the age of 8 in opposite sex changing, rightly so.

They do need to provide more accessible changing though, and make it clear that disabled and SEN take priority over those just wanting more space.

Nb. My son is 9. We'd known this has been on the horizon for some years beforehand, as it's fairly common practice that 8 is the cut-off age.

The onus is on me to work around that. It's not for other women and girls to move over because males are automatically deemed more important. I also don't think that is a bad lesson for young boys to learn. It would be hard to raise my son to be respectful to women - not to view them as commodities as some men still unfortunately do - whilst commandeering their spaces because it happens to be more convenient to us. Women should not automatically be the ones to shut up and budge up.

Respecting their spaces is really basic to all that. The girl who questioned his presence was right to do so, IMO.