AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

Could you have squeezed into an individual room?

I’m on the fence but it sounds like such a faff helping two children get washed dried and dressed, especially if you’re in a group change, it’s super busy, trying to be quick and protect their modesty. Assuming you drive home, I would opt for big towelling ponchos over them both, towelling type joggers and slip on shoes and just get them home asap.

I used 14 in my response to OP, She just said teenage. I think I just envisaged the situation from someone around the 14/15yo Mark, and that ended up in my text. But the girl could be anywhere 13-19. Not that it matters. She was right to call it out.

Probably the more practical option is mot to swim with the dc. Put swimwear on at home, onezies over the top.

Sit with one dc and watch the others lesson from the side then they can just de-Oodie and go to the pool for their own lesson. Then, while dc2 has their lesson go get dc1 changed. Then when dc2 is finished, you get them changed. No need to get yourself changed.

A towel poncho is a good idea. Just to get wet things off and pull on something easy like joggers and hoodie to get home.

You should have waited for an accessible changing room to become free if he can’t manage on his own.

ds is 14 with complex needs. After the age of about 6 I stopped taking him into the ladies toilets/changing. As much as he doesn’t care he is still entitled to dignity and privacy and so are the women using the facilities. He still needs supervision and help now but understands he doesn’t go in the women’s because he has learnt that over the years

I've been in this situation, as the mother of girls trying to use the female changing room, whilst a woman with a boy aged similarly to yours and a younger one were in there. The older boy was dressed.

My older girl (about 11 at the time) refused to get out of the shower while he was there. Another girl, with a swim club, was sat uncomfortably and wouldn't get into her costume until he'd gone.

I asked the mother if he could wait outside and she got arsey with me, but left promptly. The centre manager re-emphasised by email circulation subsequently that children over 8 need to use the appropriate changing room by sex.

I understand that your child has additional needs, but you prioritised his and your comfort and needs over those of the girls using the space. Good on that teenager for speaking up.

I understand your dilemma but it's not appropriate to have a 9yo boy in female-only space.

Are you a teenage or pre-teen girl? 🙄

Yes you were unreasonable. Your son doesn't trump young teenage girls, but I assume you've taken it onboard and it looks there's a few helpful suggestions on how you can navigate the situation next time.

As a practical suggestion, I normally get out of the pool 10/15 minutes before the session finishes so that I dont have to wait. Might help you get a changing room faster.

Our pool have an age limit of 8 which I completely understand but it’s already worrying me a bit- there are only female and male group change, no individual cubicles.

He’s nowhere near the age of having to change without me yet, but I can’t see myself feeling comfortable with him being in a publicly accessible changing room with unknown adult males, without me, at the age of 8. I think we’ll just have to only swim when his Dad can come with us when we reach that point.

I think in your situation I’d speak to the gym staff and maybe ask what they’d suggest to accommodate your DS’s needs best whilst keeping everyone comfortable.

I've been directed to use changing rooms for additional needs for my asd son who cannot be unsupervised when changing. Definitely check with the pool over their policy - it's often 8 or 9 that children are expected to change independently. It is worth getting a radar key if the facilities are controlled in this way. We have the choice of a discrete room (though it is accessed through the ladies entrance 🙄) with a radar key or a poolside room, i prefer to not use the poolside room as it is results in a gallery of spectators watching you go in and come out like it's some sort of show.

YABU but I sympathise

Maybe email the pool about the issue. They could consider making family rooms disability only, for those with an opposite sex child 8 or over for example, so they aren't constantly occupied by families that could use the group change.

The pool that my children have lessons in don't allow boys over 7 in the female changing rooms.

I think generally that's about right for communal changing areas.

My DD is 13 and wouldn't feel comfortable with a boy that age in the changing room. Good on that girl for speaking up! That said it must be very difficult if your son has SEN so I'm not judging you. I think there should be family changing facilities everywhere for this reason.

I have a (not arsey) question. Why didn't you take him into the male changing rooms?

If him being in the female changing area shouldn't be an issue for young girls and other women, wouldn't the risk of mortification be lessened if you all went in the gents?

I'd be in the wait for a family change camp, but if you didn't want to wait, it's interesting that you assessed women and girls as more likely to say nothing, even if they were uncomfortable.

So my current response to everyone who insists on taking an over age boy into a female loo or changing area is: why not take him into the male space and be in there with him while he sorts himself out?

So my current response to everyone who insists on taking an over age boy into a female loo or changing area is: why not take him into the male space and be in there with him while he sorts himself out?

Would you be happy if a man came into the women's changing rooms with his 9yo daughter and got changed in front of you and your daughters?

It wouldn't bother me either but I'm a grown woman with a high embarrassment threshold, it would bother my 13 year old daughter who is going through puberty.

You shouldn't have used the female group changing room with a male child of that age. If there's a queue for the rooms you need, you queue for them. It's not fair to others wanting to use a female changing room to have to not have that option because you didn't want to wait.

Next time, you need to not swim with 1 child whilst the other is having their lesson, or at least get out of the pool with enough time to get you both dressed whilst the other finishes their lesson. Then if the cubicles are full, get him dressed poolside.
Your biggest mistake is all having showers instead of being as quick as possible. In reality, in this case, your DSs needs really don’t override the dignity and privacy of other females I’m afraid, never mind the fact that your DS may also have felt very uncomfortable and embarrassed at being in the female changing room.

That dad on here a couple of weeks ago who went in to the female toilets with his DD was a bigger threat to a 14 year old girl than a 9 year old boy with additional needs is in a changing room. And yet plenty of women on here told him it was all cool to go in there. But yet a boy with additional needs is not ok because apparently HE is a problem in a female space and a grown arsed man isn’t.

Righty o. At least keep it consistent. 🤦🏼‍♀️

thing is if she didn't feel comfortable SHE (or any other woman) would have had to stand in the cold and wet being uncomfortable despite being the person the female group changing room was designed for. So your and your DCs needs don't trump hers. It's like nicking the disabled space by the supermarket despite not being disabled because you don't want to get wet - nobody does but that space is not designed for you.

If you think it's okay for DS to change there now now, when do you think it will be inappropriate? When he's 10?12? 14? Most changing rooms give an absolute limit of opposite sex kids of 8 for a reason.

Agree with getting a dry robe (you can get kids ones for under £15. Just stick it over him and he can pull his swimming trunks off poolside under it, then stick tracksuit bottoms on and go to the car. I've walked/driven home in mine before rather than changing at the beach.

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong - 9 is getting to the age where a lot of women/girls will take issue with it. Most places have a no over 8s in opposite sex changing rooms rule.

My 9 year old has autism, adhd, physical conditions etc and he can’t change alone- I take poncho changing robes (like a dryrobe thing)and crocs swimming, so if there isn’t a family/disabled changing room available then we put them on and go home like that.

You have my sympathy though, it is so annoying that there aren’t enough accessible changing rooms at places- I frequently have 2x boys who can’t change alone, and 2 times girls that physically can but get extremely anxious and are too young to be safe alone really. Add to that I’m a wheelchair user and swimming is a massive pain in the arse.