AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

Would you be happy if a man came into the women's changing rooms with his 9yo daughter and got changed in front of you and your daughters?

My poor DH was mortified last week, when a man brought his young daughter into the male changing rooms, DH estimated her as being 7-8. If a man removed his trousers in front of a young girl in Tesco he’d get arrested (and quite rightly so) but somehow it’s ok in the changing rooms!

Its inappropriate whichever way round it is

I cannot believe how anyone would think this is remotely close to being ok, because it definitely isn't.

Unacceptable

He’s far too old to be in the ladies, regardless of any neurodiversity.

it’s utter faff and you have my sympathy- but you should have waited for an inclusive changing room to become available

it’s really not on, and that teenage girl should not have been put in that situation. So unfair.

A male aged 9 should not be in a female changing room.

I think his age is borderline, and it's not ideal but if she was really worried she could have used the single person changing outside.

No in this circumstance it isn't appropriate, if he needs help you need to wait for the accessible changing room. If people were using them without disabilities you need to speak to the staff for assistance to be prioritised. Teens can he particularly self conscious but I wouldn't be comfortable either

Righty o. At least keep it consistent.

Who are you talking to when you say that?

Unless the exact same posters are on this thread and you mean them?

I think your son is too old to be in the female changing rooms. It's really unfortunate that the family changing rooms are so few at your pool though. I 100% understand that is frustrating.

Well that'll really help a teenage girl who doesn't want to get males looking at her in an open-plan communal single-sex space. Unless you're now going to propose a blind-fold to OP it would be hugely more appropriate for her to wait for a family space or just use an individual cubicle- at least where I live, they'll easily fit an adult and two children, obviously with a little less space to spread out clothing and towels. There's plenty of options and OP needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around her in give her rights above those of other women and girls.

I didn't agree with that one either but to be fair I think the dad asked first (shouted in) if it was ok and was told by the women there it was fine. So assume if they'd said no he wouldn't have gone in. Although appreciate that he didn't get consent from any of the women who might have come in afterwards.

Also yes a grown man might technically be more dangerous but lots of concerns are more about privacy - toilet cubicles are enclosed so the women in the toilets wouldn't have been seen using them by the man with dd, whereas the teenage girl had to change in front of OPs son.

So not really the same circumstances.

I appreciate that the room was empty when OP went in so not exactly the same situation but sounds as though she wouldn't have left even if the teenage girl had asked her to.

But people don't tend to be naked in public toilets do they?

This is mumsnet so 9 year old boys with SEN are basically predators. Why is his safety and comfort less important than a ‘potential’ adult woman getting upset? It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I’d feel like a pretty terrible person if it did. You did what you needed to.
A teenager would be difffent.

Why should the girl (who is trying using the changing area appropriately) have to find an alternative because a male (who is using the changing area inappropriately), is brought in there?

YANBU imo

There's plenty of options and OP needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around her in give her rights above those of other women and girls.

Sadly the rights of women and girls are generally at the bottom of the pile these days

A 9yo girl is not privy to his disabilities. It's not fair on the girls in there, never mind the adult woman.

SEN or not, the over 8 years old male does not take priority over ANY female in the female changing area.

So does that mean 9 year old boys can go in the ladies toilets then? Or is it still a female space end of?

I agree, some 9-10 year old girls are growing breast and starting periods, to se a boy their age in there when changing would be v uncomfortable. Sorry there wasn't space in the family change place which is what you need x

9 is too old for the opposite sex changing room.

If there’s no family changing rooms available, I would get him changed under a towel or changing robe.

It’s always difficult trying to balance everyone’s needs.

Why is there so much emphasis on the age of the girl?

It really doesn't matter. It happened to be a teenage girl but could have been a grown woman or an elderly woman. It doesn't make it more or less acceptable and it just seems a bit weird and white knight-y to respond to every single poster saying they generally find it okay with "BUT ARE YOU 14 THOUGH".

OP I would do the other suggestions now your son is getting older. I get it, I have the same quandary, my 8yo DD and 6yo DS do swimming. I'm currently still taking DS into the ladies group changing room but there is another mum who does the same with her lad who looks 3 - 4 years older than mine and it does make me pause for thought. I will probably start using the family change for them soon instead.

No one has said 9yo boys, or even 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 yo boys are predators.

They make preteen and teenage girls uncomfortable, even accidentally. Hence why schools have separate changing rooms for example.

So how does family change work? Is it an area with lots of cubicles?

The ones at my local swimming pool are just a larger than usual cubicle.

You could have used 2 single changing rooms if you needed more space, or waited for the large changing room or changed them under a robe in the space outside the changing cubicles. I don’t think for one minute that he is a predator but he is too old to be in female communal changing spaces. Nobody likes to be stared at and I expect that’s what the girl was concerned about. She wanted a female only space that’s why she was in there.

Personally, I don’t use the female only changing rooms unless there is no other option because I find myself staring - I don’t mean to, I don’t want to but it happens, very embarrassing!