AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

You wouldn’t take an adult man with care needs into that area so the same goes for a 9 year old boy. He’s too old.

I've been there. My eldest is a boy with SEND.
I wouldn't queue for ages, because queues are hard with him.
They'd shower with their costumes on.
I'd have taken both kids to individual changing rooms, put one in each adjacent with the doors open. They have changing towels so put them on, have them strip under there and dry as much as possible, while darting between the two giving assistance. Then when they're dressed, sit them both in the same cubicle, while I go in the other and get dressed. It's a faff, but more desirable than taking the eldest in a female group change.
This is why it drives me up the wall when people say 'Just use the disabled' Like there isn't any actual disabled people who need to use it!

I sympathise with you OP. Stressful situation and as you can see from this thread everything is turned sexual - even for a 9 year old boy. We have similar at our lessons-very limited family changing and sometimes they are taken by a family when they are all the same sex (ie dad and two boys) and they should be using the men's to give priority to mixed families for exactly this reason.

I (a grown woman) would not be bothered. However, my 12 and 9yo DDs would be mortified and have been previously.

Nowadays, they won't use the changing rooms at the pool due to similar circumstances so we bung a big toweling poncho over them, whizz home and then they can shower in privacy. This would be an option for you OP.

Pootle, I don’t think it’s turned sexual, it’s just about the discomfort experienced by females when there’s a male in the changing rooms?

I'd call that sexual. Isn't the discomfort from body parts on display?

I would use an individual cubicle in that situation. Sit one child on the bench while you dress the other. Then swap. Or get 2 adjacent cubicles and put a child in each. Go in with the one who needs more help or get one to just wait in their hooded towel. Nine is much too old for a girls changing room.

9 is too old sorry OP and there was an alternative, you just needed to wait for it which I appreciate isn't ideal.

I think the use of mixed, group, open, large and other words in the OP is confusing.

If I understand correctly:

• family/accessible/baby change x 2
• male group open changing space
• female group open changing space
• individual cubicles too small for OP with DC

So if I've read it correctly, females still have the options of individual cubicles? In which case YANBU. If a class of school girls were getting changed at that time it would be different but it sounds like due to the lack of family cubicles, quite a few families were doing the same as the OP.

If I'd been the teen, I wouldn't have been happy. But I would have had to option of using an individual? Good her for for speaking up though.

If you have to do the same again next week, it's probably ok, but continue to be considerate as you have been with him facing the wall etc.

Like more and more people nowadays, I had early puberty (9). I stopped swimming for years not long after. It's a difficult age.

Not quite the same, but my son is 9 with similar disabilities that you have mentioned, plus others. He is also incontinent and non verbal The 1 and only disabled toilet was out of service at a restaurant the other day and I had to take him into the female loo to change him.

The cubicle is too small for 2 people so I had to change him with the cubicle door open and me kneeling in the gangway, trying my best to preserve his dignity whilst ensuring no one else felt uncomfortable. So, effectively it was an open plan situation!

Any teenage girl (or woman for that matter) walking in, seeing it, then feeling uncomfortable whilst I'm doing all that, sorry - they can wait outside.

Whilst I agree that women and girls deserve privacy changing, so do boys and men. If there's nowhere suitable for all involved, someone has to wait. And that person should be the one who enters second into the room.

Before anyone shoots me - So far as age being an issue and sexualising body parts / pointing out puberty, my 9 yr old doesn't even know what his own belly button is never mind anyone's anything else.... Neurological teenagers or adults however, do. So the onus should be on them not to point out penises or boobs or whatever else and making it a big deal.

Special needs parents can't do right for doing wrong in circumstances like yours. It makes me mad and sad at the same time. I genuinely feel for you. 💐

IMO, YANBU.

Behave yourself OP.

It's nothing to do with 'everything (being) turned sexual', it's about respecting that this is a female space, meant only for females (and boys only up to a fairly young age).

Your child's disabilities do not trump the right of females to change in a male free space.

YABU, he's too old. While I feel for you, I wouldn't have liked it and I wouldn't expect my DD to have to change in front of a child of this age and opposite sex (theoretically, she's still a toddler).

It's not "turned sexual" - this rule of no over 7s in the opposite sex changing has been in existence forever. Plenty of 9 year olds have started puberty and don't want boys their own age staring at them. It's only becoming an issue because parents infantilise their children to the extent that an 8 year old can't change without mummy supervising.

I agree with this, if people can use the single sex changing rooms in that situation they should, your son has additional needed therefore should be a priority for an accessible changing space, I would raise that with the pool.

It's only becoming an issue because parents infantilise their children to the extent that an 8 year old can't change without mummy supervising.

I think this is the issue, as older children without disabilities are then in the family rooms with their opposite sex parent instead of being sent into the correct sex changing room. That and families with same sex or younger children using the family rooms. If these were only used by families that needed them, like the OP's family, then there wouldn't be a problem.

I can see why you made the decision you did but I think once another female told you she was uncomfortable you should have respected that and left.

9 is too old to be in the changing room for the opposite sex. I would not change in front of him.

You need to speak to the management and organise an accessible space now you know there is a problem. You can't use the female changing area.

A difficult one. My private gym allows boys up until age 8 (and I think that’s quite a common threshold).

Your son’s conditions should probably earn him a year’s grace, but other people wouldn’t be expected to know that.

Can you bring a towel and warm onesie, and change him poolside? Or speak to pool management to discuss? Maybe he could get out the pool 5 mins early.

YANBU.

Agree with the majority - it’s inappropriate OP. Girls and women should not be made to feel uncomfortable in their own designated spaces.

He’ll hit the age soon where he wants to start changing independently (irrespective of whether he can) and will refuse to enter the female changing rooms with you, so you probably need to find solutions if you’re planning to continue with this activity.

In our pool (semi private as only for people living in our development) everyone takes their kids into the female changing rooms, this includes 9/10 year old boys. Only once they come swimming by themselves do they go in the males.
mainly because all of them are slow, lose their stuff, spend considerable amount of time clowning around, and the mums wouldn’t be able to supervise. Equally, dads are taking daughters into male changing room.
this is accepted practice (no kids after 7), but maybe that is only our pool.